Originally written for Tumblr, but thought I'd pop it on here as well
Utter crack. Jimmy gets drunk, then gets a moustache to impress Thomas. Also somehow manages to time-travel to the future and watch The Dark Night. As you do...
Anyway...
Must Dash
It was a breezy August evening and Thomas Barrow was tucked up in bed with a good book. Mr Carson had been working him particularly hard of late, so it was a pleasant surprise for Thomas to find himself with a quiet night where he had nothing to do but to sit back and relax. His only regret was that Jimmy wasn't anywhere to be found. He had hoped that they could have spent the evening together, having a giggle and a gossip in between kisses, but this was sadly not to be. It was the footman's day off, and although Thomas had expected him to return for his tea, the handsome blonde had not yet made the journey back to Downton.
Thomas was just considering sneaking down to the kitchens to swipe a piece of the chocolate he knew Mrs Patmore kept squirreled away in the pantry, when his door flew open and Jimmy strode into the room. The blonde was dishevelled and had clearly been drinking; his normally pristine hair was sticking up in all directions and Thomas could smell the alcohol on him, even from his position on the bed. He must have been drinking all day, thought Thomas, a little in shock. But it wasn't the drink or the messy hair that was worrying Thomas at this point, as worrying as these things were. It was the large black handlebar moustache that had somehow managed to become attached to Jimmy's upper lip that was really perplexing Thomas.
"Jimmy, what on earth-", Thomas began, but the footman wasn't listening. "THOMAS!" bellowed Jimmy, loud enough to wake the dead, and certainly loud enough to stir any of their colleagues who had already settled in for the night. Thomas found himself praying that everyone was still downstairs, safely ensconced in the servant's hall.
"THOMAS!" Jimmy repeated, marching over to the bed and looming over Thomas, his hands on his hips. He hiccupped. "I HAVE BECOME A MAN FOR YOU THOMAS!" Jimmy yelled, toppling over as his legs gave way and landing splayed across Thomas' lap. "I HAVE A MUSTACHE NOW" he slurred loudly, as if this wasn't already obvious.
"Ah, yes, I, um, see that." Thomas replied lamely, more than a little taken aback by this bizarre addition to his lover's face. "And, err, very nice it is too."
Jimmy smiled toothily up at him from underneath the monstrosity, giving another hiccup and moving clumsily around to straddle the under-butler so that the two men were face to face. Thomas tried not to wince as he caught a whiff of Jimmy's beer soaked breath. "But it may be an idea to keep the noise down, love, unless you want Carson bargin' in and catchin' us like this." He gestured at their comprising position. Jimmy's eyes went wide and he nodded vigorously.
"Good plan!" exclaimed the footman in a drunken stage whisper that wasn't much quieter than his yell. He continued to stare at Thomas, eyes becoming a little unfocused, and a sloppy smile plastered on his face.
"So, err, where did you get it from?" asked Thomas. He was at a complete loss for anything else to say.
"I grew it!" Jimmy slurred proudly, beaming up at Thomas. "I grew it for you." Jimmy poked Thomas in the chest with his forefinger, as if to clarify that Thomas was indeed the 'you' he was referring to. "Because I want to be both the man you need and the man you deserve." He nodded slowly as he said this, eyebrows knitted together in deep concentration, as if he was imparting some great wisdom.
Thomas was at a loss for words. "Right, well, that's, umm, lovely." he stuttered. Jimmy moved his head a little nearer to Thomas' own, close enough for Thomas to deduce that the moustache was made from black bristles of some kind, and was held in place by a sticky, sweet smelling substance.
"Do you want me to move over so you can get into bed?" Thomas figured that the best course of action would be to get Jimmy in bed and asleep as fast as possible before any of the other servants had a chance to find him in this state.
But Jimmy shook his head firmly. "Can't" he said seriously, suppressing another hiccup.
"And why is that, love?" Thomas queried.
"Because I MUST-DASH!" cried Jimmy, bursting into a fit of laughter. He hiccupped again, gave a loud whoop, lost his balance on Thomas and fell off the bed and onto the floor, where he proceeded to rock back and forth, his body racked by giggles.
Thomas just stared at his inebriated lover. Best get him some water he thought, and rose off the bed, making his way gingerly across the room so as not to disturb a now furiously hiccupping Jimmy.
He shut the door firmly on his way out and was just about to walk down the corridor when Alfred appeared from his own room. Thomas pretended not to notice him. Alfred didn't get the hint.
"Psssh, Mr Barrow!" he stage whispered loudly. He's almost as bad as Jimmy for that, thought Thomas, hope he hasn't been bloody drinking as well. The footman walked over to Thomas, who was relieved to see that he looked quite sober.
"Have you seen Jimmy today, Mr Barrow?" asked Alfred, grinning from ear to ear.
Thomas adopted an air of indifference. "No, why should I? It's his day off today, isn't it?"
"It is" Alfred said gleefully, his grin becoming even wider. "He got back 'bout an hour ago, half-cut. He were rummaging through the kitchen cupboards, blabblin' away about wanting to find a broom head and some honey to make a moustache with. Can't wait 'till Carson finds him." Alfred let out a hoot of laughter and hot-tailed it down the corridor before Thomas could reprimand him for talking ill of his superiors.
With Alfred gone, Thomas opened his own bedroom door again to risk another quick look at Jimmy. The footman had stopped with the hiccupping/laughing combo and was fast asleep on the floor, snoring loudly. The moustache had migrated from his lip to his chin, and a steady drip of honey was falling from it onto his chest.
Thomas closed the door again with a heavy sigh and a fond smile. He made his way down to the kitchens for a glass of water and that chocolate. He figured he deserved it now. So much for a quiet night in...