A/N: Happy birthday to Stan and Trey Parker today! I wanted to upload something for Stan's birthday, so I hope that this turned out okay. I feel like Stan and Kyle haven't done anything super best friend-y in a long time, especially after You're Getting Old and Ass Burgers. So this is sort of a response to that. I was kinda writing out of my comfort zone, so I hope that it's not too hard to follow. Also, this story takes place during chapter 4 of my other fic It Wasn't Just Once, but you don't have to have read it to understand. People kept saying that they wanted to know what happened during that part, so I came up with something. Enjoy!

A Wallet, a Theatre, and Some Aliens

"Dude," Kyle started as the group walked into the leather store, "this is all real leather. There's no way you can afford this."

"Yeah," Stan replied, "but they have some good knock-offs in the back. I got my last one here."

"And how long have you had that one? Less than a year?" Kyle was not exaggerating, but he also wasn't considering all of the abnormal abuse that the old wallet had taken. After extensive pressure and water damage and the like, most wallets would have given out by now. Still, Kyle had his own reasons for not wanting Stan to buy a new one right now. "I dunno. These look pretty cheaply made."

Cartman made a comment about Kyle being a Jew, and after some more banter among the five fifth graders – Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters – Stan proceded to purchase his new wallet. They left the leather store and continued their walk down the halls of the South Park mall.

"I can't believe you bought that after what I said," Kyle complained. "You never listen to me."

"So what do you guys wanna do now?" Stan asked, ignoring whatever shit his friend was saying. Kyle gaped at him.

As fate would have it, their feet brought them right to the place that the old Hot Topic had been. The Hot Topic had been burnt down for a while now, and all that while the empty store had been closed off and practically invisible to the mall patrons. As many times as the boys must have past the spot, they only now rediscovered it in all its renovated glory.

Stan was the first to figure out what they were looking at, and instantly, he became excited, saying, "Dude, when did they build a theatre in the mall?"

"I don't know," Kyle replied, trying to recall what had once stood in this place. "Isn't this where the Hot Topic used to be?"

Not one of the five boys noticed the figure approach them until it spoke in a slow, deep drawl. Even then, it took a moment for their ears to register that he was speaking words and not just emitting a low hum. "Ahhh," it spoke, "I seeee you..."

The boys gasped, Butters actually shouting out in shock, as they turned to see the tall man in the blue suit. He was thin and lanky to the point of looking unhealthy. The eyes on his gray face were grave, but his mouth stretch nearly ear to ear in an unsettling forced grin. He continued:

"like my creation."

"Creation?" Stan questioned, his voice cracking.

"Yes," the tall man continued, "You see, I am the proprietor of this 'theatre.' You can buy your tickets upstairs if you'd like." With that, he walked away rubbing his hands menacingly. Of course, the boys paid no mind. If anything, the suspicious behavior only removed their initial discomfort because now he just seemed like anyone you'd run into in South Park.

"Let's go see a movie," Kyle said, sounding excited once more.

Unfortunately, Kenny had to back out. "(I don't have enough money,)" was his muffled and disappointed response.

Their intentions were not to be rude, at least Kyle and Stan's weren't since Cartman ridiculed him, but they really were excited to check this new theatre out. Luckily for Kenny, Butters agreed to keep him company while the others went without them. In all honesty, Kyle would have rather Butters stayed with them. If it were a group of four, the experience would not feel so much like Cartman invading on his time with Stan. To Kyle, it seemed like it had been a while since he and Stan last hung out just the two of them.

The three walked into the dark tunnel-like entrance, and as their eyes adjusted, even looking back to where Kenny and Butters stood blinded them. So they walked steadily forward down the tunnel. Further ahead, the sleek blackness became more distinct as thin, white lights streaked the rounded walls.

"Damn this is a long hallway," Cartman complained. "When are we gonna get to the theatre?"

"I dunno," Stan replied, turning his head this way and that.

"Does anyone else have a weird feeling about this?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah," Cartman said. "I'm starting to think this is gonna be a really shitty theatre. They probably only show one really gay movie at a time. We better not be wasting our money."

As they walked, they wondered where the movie posters were that one would typically find. They finally reached the end, but instead of finding the ticket booth, they found themselves as if already in the theatre. Many rows of chairs faced a large screen on the further end. They were on the left platform, which itself only had four rows before hitting the stairs that lead to the hundreds of others.

"What the Hell is this, Mary Poppins's vagina?" Cartman said, for there should have been no way for a room this big to fit in the little alcove that was Hot Topic. They expected there to have been an expansion to accommodate a new movie theatre, but this would have been overlapping other parts of the mall. Not knowing what else to do, they sat at the front of the platform.

After a moment, a low rumble shook the ground, and the screen lit up. There was no projector shining onto the screen, but instead the screen itself shone blindingly at them, making them cover their eyes. Strange sound effects began to play, attracting Stan's curiosity. With effort, he peeked at the screen.

"What?" he gasped. "Kyle, look."

Still holding his arms over his face, Kyle looked to Stan, seeing him looking mesmerized at whatever was on the screen. On his other side, Cartman began to make sounds of struggle. He tossed and turned in his chair, kicking the ground, and when Kyle looked at him, his eyes were also wide but with fear of what was being displayed. Finally, Kyle looked at the screen. It was still blinding, but the images were a strange montage of bizarre creatures. Then a swarm of what looked like maggots filled the screen. The fast vibration of an insectoid wing replaced the maggots. Large, shiny black eyes stared at them. These images shifted and repeated each time a little differently. Eventually, each boy felt himself grow fuzzy as their vision shrank. Stan heard Kyle's fainting sigh before going out himself, and Cartman held on the longest before finally blanking.

Cartman was the first to wake back up. He picked himself up off the ground. He had been lying face first in a large piled of what looked like mulch. Now, he was in a different cave. This one was made of earth and lit by white pods that grew out at random spots in the walls. He dusted the mulch off and crawled to Stan and Kyle, shaking Kyle's shoulder.

"Hey," he said. "Hey wake up you ass-holes."

Stan and Kyle groaned as their eyes opened. They sat up and absorbed their surroundings slowly.

"Where did that screen send us?" Stan said.

"Mary Poppins's fuckin' vajayjay."

"We gotta find a way out of here," Kyle said, being the first to spring to his feet. "Maybe we can just follow the cave..."

Kyle walked a few feet before the rope around his ankle snagged. He barely had time to look down at it before it jerked him off of his feet and began to drag him in the opposite direction kicking and yelling.

"Kyle!" Stan shouted, jumping to him and grabbing on as he slid past. They linked their arms at the elbows, but the rope around Stan's ankle jerked him the other way. The two struggled in each others grasps for a moment, and Cartman quickly began to claw at the rope on his ankle. When scratching didn't work, he picked up a wood chip and slid it between his leg and the rope, prying it open until he could slip his foot out. Meanwhile, Stan held fast to Kyle until his shoe slipped off of his foot along with the rope. Stan's rope continued to speed away in the opposite direction, but Kyle's rope dragged the two across the stabbing ground, Kyle on his back and Stan on his stomach, until Stan lost his grip. Kyle's shouting grew rapidly more distant until he was out of sight around a far turn.

"The fuck is this place?" Cartman spat, standing next to Stan.

Stan stood and brushed the mulch from the front of his jacket. "Ow," he said, stepping on a splinter in his socked foot. "Where did that thing take him?"

"Let's find out," Cartman replied, returning to his rope, picking it up, and giving it a good jerk. It pulled taut before yanking Cartman forward, and when he stumbled and let go, it zipped to the wall of the cave, which sucked it up in a fleshy sphincter that closed up and disappeared right away. "Gross," Cartman sneered, poking the wall cautiously with his index finger. The wall felt like solid rock. "Let's get the fuck outa here."

"We gotta find Kyle. Who knows what happened to him."

"And how the Hell do you plan on finding him, huh? We can't exactly go through the walls."

"You don't know where the exit is," Stan retorted. "You can't leave anyhow. C'mon," he said, heading down the cave in the direction that Kyle was dragged.

Kyle saw the wall open its fleshy sphincter in front of him only a split second before he was sucked into it. He slid down into a black wall that crumbled into powder as he fell through it. The next thing he knew, he awoke (after a moment of unconsciousness that felt barely more than a blink) sitting on the cold tiled floor of a small closet sized room. The wide door took a moment to register in his brain. It was a transparent blue energy field type thing the likes of something from a video game. He stood to walk toward it, wondering if he could go through it, when suddenly he was snagged back by the neck.

"What the Hell?" he said, grabbing his neck and feeling the cold, metal collar and chain that connected it to the back wall. He jerked the chain uselessly a few times, then looked down at himself. His clothes and skin were messy and peppered with the black powder, but other than that and the chain, he didn't appear to have been messed with. "Hey!" he shouted into the connecting room. "What is going on here? Why am I chained up? Where are my friends?"

Suddenly, his arm began to itch and burn a bit. Looking at it, he saw that his jacket sleeve had been torn, as well as several other places in his clothes, so he rubbed the exposed skin. His face also itched, so he rubbed that as well.

The door vanished, and Kyle could see three tall creatures walk toward him. His eyes widened at the mantis-looking beings that stood before him, and he yelled. They looked very much like praying mantises in the face and torso, but their hind legs were attached to an abdomen that seemed way too short to support their upper bodies. Their hands also looked unique, for their fingers were like very many wiggling threads. They spoke in a strange mesh of glottal sounds that ran together in Kyle's foreign ears. Not that he was trying to figure out what they were saying. To him, their noises just sounded terrifying, like the sound of the sloppy eating of one thousand Eric Cartmans. He yelled out again when they all extended their thin arms toward him and wrapped their worm-like fingers around his arms and shoulders.

Cartman and Stan felt as though they were walking on and on, but they were finding nothing. The tunnel seemed endless, but Stan kept on calling out Kyle's name again and again. Finally, Cartman sighed roughly and stopped his steps.

"What are you doing?" Stan snapped.

"This is retarded. We've been walking forever. Kyle's not even out here. For all we know, he's dead."

"Well we don't have any other option, so march."

"I have another idea," Cartman said, plopping himself down in the middle of the cave floor. "I'm just gonna sit here so you don't get us deeper into this thing. We've been lost before. I'm gonna actually be smart and stay in place until someone comes for me."

Stan fumed, but spat back, "Fine. I'll find Kyle myself." He didn't need to hear Cartman talk about how it was unimportant to help the Jew, so he continued his forward march. He stomped his feet until he was around the turn and couldn't look back at Cartman, then he slowed down and grabbed his churning stomach. Maybe Cartman was right, and his search was hopeless. Maybe Kyle was lost forever. The thought of never seeing his best friend again made Stan feel the onset of depression and devastation. He shut his eyes and shook his head to get those thoughts out of his mind. He had to keep walking. He walked. He walked and walked until he was nearly running, and then he saw Cartman.

Cartman looked at him with a furrowed brow and clicked his tongue. "I fucking knew it."

Stan gaped at him. "We were walking in circles?" he said with a high pitched anger.

"Yeah. And I didn't see one Goddamn exit."

"They were trying to take us through this wall," Stan contemplated, placing his hand on the inward side of the cave. "There's gotta be something in the middle of all this."

Cartman stood and kicked the wall. Of course, it was just as sturdy as when he had touched it before. "If we could get in there, maybe we could find a way out."

"Kyle's gotta be in there."

When the strange creatures grabbed Kyle, they unhooked his chain from the wall. One held onto it as they pulled him out of his cell, still holding onto his arms and shoulders. They led him down a tiled hall to a metal door. The creature holding the chain made a sound, and the door slid open sideways into the wall. Kyle felt the collar come off of his neck, but before he could make a move, he was shoved through the door. He stumbled and fell to his knees, and the door shut quickly behind him. He appeared to be in an office, but he didn't look around too much because he was distracted by another creature that occupied the room. This one spoke to him.

"You're very skinny," the creature said with the voice of a man, "but I suppose it is a start." Kyle didn't expect it to speak English, so it took him a moment to respond.

"What are you guys?"

"A brilliant race," he replied. "We have the potential of higher intelligence than any other being in the universe. You may call me Ing." He laughed as though he thought his name was clever.

"Good for you," Kyle said as he stood. "What does that have to do with us? Why'd you capture us?"

"Because there are many of you," Ing replied with an airy tone. "And not enough of us. See for yourself." He walked to a window that covered the entire far side of the room. Kyle followed hesitantly, and when he saw what was on the other side, he put his hands on the glass and stared in amazement.

"Woah dude," he mumbled, looking down on a deep pit of an arena where a giant slug-like creature swelled and deflated as it breathed. Its skin seemed to sag around its bloated body. "What is that thing?"

"Our queen," Ing replied. "And we had been eager to introduce her to your people."

Kyle spun around and stared at Ing in fear. "Your queen? Wait a second. Just what do you mean you introduced my people to her? You mean humans?"

"Ah-ha. Yes. Humans. Because there are many of you. And not enough of us. You see, our queen must eat to birth. And it has been the way of our kind to allow ourselves to be sacrificed for the next generations. However, such an idea is so primitive to us now. We won't sacrifice ourselves now. We can accomplish so much if we live."

It became clear to Kyle what the intentions were. "You're not feeding us to your queen. There's no way in Hell I'm letting you."

"Human child, you do not have that choice," Ing explained, taking hold of Kyle and holding his arms behind his back.

"It's supposed to be illegal for Earth to have contact with aliens anymore. What you're doing is illegal."

"It was so easy to break through that barrier. Space law means nothing to us."

Kyle growled and jerked and thrashed, but Ing was much stronger than him. He dragged Kyle toward a side door, and going through it, they entered a raised hallway that circled the side of the queen's arena. Large metal spheres lined the other side of the hall, and Kyle saw two of the mantisoids enter a hatch on the side of one before an aperture opened in the wall with a loud revving sound and the sphere shot out.

"Are those ships?" Kyle asked.

"They are travel pods set to our gathering location on Earth. Soon there shall be more gathering spots just like the one we got you from."

"Why humans? Why can't you go eat some other creature? Ones that aren't self-aware."

"Because," Ing explained, "no other being is as easy to gather as the simple-minded human. If we were to harvest even the beasts of Earth, it would require food in turn. Or something necessary for their survival. Yet humans are much more efficient to gather. Just create something like a theatre, and humans come in the dozens. Already our queen has had twelve feasts on your people. She finds them very pleasing."

As Ing spoke, he pulled Kyle to the end of the hall where two more mantisoids stood stiff like soldiers.

"Don't you have any ethics?" Kyle asked in rage. "How can you just eat people out of convenience?"

Ing shoved Kyle to the soldiers, and they grabbed him by each arm. "I'm getting really tired of your questions," he said. Then, he hissed something to the soldiers, and they turned and led Kyle to a set of steps that led down into the arena.

Kyle turned back to Ing and yelled, "There's no way you'll last long feeding off humans. We're not as stupid as you think. When people start noticing that nobody's coming out of your theatres, they'll know something's up!"

"Then until then," Ing replied as the soldiers pulled Kyle down to the arena.

The soldiers dragged Kyle closer and closer to the queen. She seemed even bigger up close, and when Kyle saw her mouth open and thick strands of mucus, which was white with black specks floating all around in it that clung to her lips, his legs locked. His feet dragged on the ground as the soldiers tried to pull him forward, but in desperation, he kicked and pulled his arms. Finally, he was able to give a good enough jerk to get an arm out of one soldier's grasp, and he ran the other way with the second soldier stumbling with him in shock. The first soldier turned in confusion, and when the second regained his grip and turned Kyle back to the queen, they both watched as her mouth came down over the first soldier. She lifted him up, his legs kicking as the mucus bound them. Kyle understood now what the black specks and black powder over his body were and why his skin burned when he saw the soldier burn and melt at the contact. With a slurp, his legs were gone, and now the queen thrashed in want of more. Kyle's heart raced as he could not imagine a way in which her next bite would not be him.

After several minutes of pounding and clawing at the dirt wall, Stan was exhausted. He had left shallow tracks in the wall at this point, and his nails hurt from the caked up mud under them. Cartman had done a share of digging as well, though not as vigorously.

"We're never gonna get through this wall with our bare hands," Cartman complained.

"Well we have to try, ass-hole," Stan replied, his words pitched with frustration and worry.

"For all we know, Kyle's already dead."

Stan halted his clawing, grabbed Cartman by the jacket, and said to him with venom in his voice, "If you imply that Kyle is dead one more fucking time, I'll beat your God-damn face in."

Cartman shrank back at Stan's snarl. Before Cartman had a chance to respond however, a ripple formed in the wall and took their attention. From it, two mantisoids emerged.

"The fuck?" Cartman shouted as one grabbed him. "What are these things?" he panicked.

Stan tried uselessly to pry the arms off that had wrapped around his chest. "Aliens?"

"But aliens don't..." Before Cartman could add "exist" he was pulled through the wall. Stan had been managing to hold his ground, but seeing Cartman phase through, he stopped struggling and let himself be pulled through as well.

Before either of them had a chance to study their surroundings, Stan and Cartman were shoved to their hands and knees before the queen. They looked up in terror as she thrashed and slammed her body against the ground in fury. Luckily, although they were within twelve feet of her they were watching her from the side.

"Guys!" Kyle called, hanging from the ledge of the window to Ing's office. He had managed to accidentally kick the soldier that had held onto him in the testicles, and while he soothed himself, Kyle ran and climbed up. Now the soldier reached at his kicking feet as he struggled just to hang on, let alone pull himself up.

"Kyle!" Stan shouted in relief.

"That thing wants to eat us! It's their queen! Get to the pods!" Kyle shouted back. But Stan and Cartman did not understand what he meant. "The pods! Get to the pods! They're set to Earth!"

Stan looked behind himself and saw the raised hall with the travel pods. He stood and ran toward the steps, but another soldier leapt at him. Stan dove out of the way and ran for the steps, and Cartman, recognizing this as a chance to escape, bolted to the soldier and leapt onto his abdomen. The soldier's legs collapsed underneath him. Cartman whistled.

"Hey," Cartman called. "fatty. Got somethin' for ya!" He grabbed the soldier's wing and snapped a chunk off, causing him to cry out and wail in pain. He took aim and chucked the stick-like appendage at the queen, hitting her on the side and making her turn to face them. She roared and inched closer, and Cartman pushed his foot down on the soldier's back as he jumped off of him and hoofed it for the stairs.

Cartman ran up the stairs and turned around just in time to see the queen slurp the soldier up. He cheered and laughed at the spectacle when Stan called for him impatiently from one of the pods.

Still kicking at the soldier below him, Kyle watched as Stan and Cartman pulled the hatch open on the side of one of the pods and Cartman crawled inside. His heart dropped, but rationally he knew he could not blame them. Any person would do the smart choice and leave as soon as possible. Trying to save him meant a lower chance of survival. And their safety (at least Stan's) was more important to Kyle anyhow. The next moment, the soldier that had been trying to recapture Kyle managed to get a grip on the wall and pull himself closer, finally coiling his fingers around Kyle's ankle.

"What are you doing?" Cartman called out to Stan, who had yet enter the hatch.

"Can you control this thing?" Stan asked.

"Kyle said it was set to Earth."

"But can you steer it?"

The majority of the pod was empty floor space, but near the front was indeed a control panel. It consisted of several buttons and a joystick-like lever. "Hey," Cartman said, taking a seat at the control panel and gripping the stick. "Maybe I can control this thing."

"Then I'll hang on from here," Stan said, holding tight to the hatch handle so that he stood with only one foot in the pod.

"What? Are you retarded?"

Kyle gripped the window sill as best he could, but his fingers were slipping. The queen thrashed behind him, and the soldier spoke its twisted language angrily as he pulled. Just when Kyle was about to give out and give up, the pod smashed right into the wall. The soldier squashed flat with a short, "Bluh." Kyle gaped at the pod in shock as it pulled back and turned. Then he smiled wide as Stan came into view. Stan pulled Kyle into the pod, and Kyle pried the soldier's arm from his leg and tossed it out the hatch before they shut the door and Kyle fell to the floor in exhaustion.

"Are you okay?" Stan asked, kneeling to Kyle and putting his hand on his shoulder. "You're a mess." With his sleeve, he wiped the black powder from Kyle's face. Many red dots like a rash remained over his face.

"I was," Kyle explained, a bit out of breath, "being digested." It was obvious that he was a bit freaked out at the fact.

The pod lurched, and Stan fell against Kyle. He glared at Cartman. "What are you doing?"

"Taking these fuckers out." He pulled the stick sharply to the right, turning the pod around so that when Stan and Kyle looked to the front of the pod, they saw the station that they had been in before them.

The station looked like a large hourglass where two cones were connected by a large glass orb. Cartman pushed forward on the stick and the pod sped toward the station. Stan and Kyle called out in protest, neither expecting the pod to be stronger than the station itself, but when they collided with the center orb, they smashed right through it. Turning around on the other side, they watched as the top cone, like a pendulum, swung down and crashed into the bottom. With destroying their station being so easy, Kyle had to wonder if the mantisoid species was all that intelligent after all.

Cartman released the stick, and it snapped back into place as it headed for its predestination. "Let's get the fuck out of here," Cartman said, and even with the pod on autopilot, he remained at the control panel like the captain of a ship.

"You need to wash that stuff off as soon as we get back," Stan ordered, dusting more from Kyle's clothes that had slowly been eaten into.

"You came back for me," Kyle said.

Stan blinked. "Of course, dude. I wasn't gonna let you get eaten by that gross thing."

"But you coulda been killed. You shoulda got out as soon as you could."

"There's no way I would've ran off without you, dude. You're my best friend."

It had been so long since Kyle had heard that title. "Really?"

Stan's eyes widened. Never would he have thought he would be asked that. Especially not by Kyle. "Yes! How can you not know that?"

Kyle turned away and wrapped his arms around his knees, feeling embarrassed because he knew he must sound petty. "I thought you were annoyed with me. Cause I get irritated a lot. And you don't listen to me a lot. And you said you were gonna get a new best friend last year, so I wasn't sure if we still were or..." He trailed off.

"You were the one who ignored me when I was going through all that shit," Stan said a bit indignantly.

Kyle squeezed his knees. "That too. I'm sorry."

After some thought, Stan wrapped his arms around Kyle. "I don't care anymore. You're my best friend, Kyle. I love you."

Kyle's heart swelled, but he couldn't get a smile to form. He turned around and returned Stan's embrace.

Cartman made a horrible puke sound. "Enough with the gayety already."

They broke apart and glared at Cartman. Kyle was disappointed. He wanted to keep hugging Stan, but he figured that boys weren't supposed to be so clingy. Soon, they slipped through the opening in the box around Earth, and they cheered.

"Hey," Kyle said, standing and going to the control panel. "Why aren't we slowing down?"

"How should I know?" Cartman replied.

Quickly, Kyle grabbed the stick and pulled. "Pull back! Pull back!" he yelled, and Cartman grabbed the stick as well.

"Oh shit! Oh shit!" Cartman cried as they neared the mall at great speed.

After a horrible crash, they found themselves crawling through wreckage, limping and coughing through smoke. As the smoke cleared, they realized that they were back at the mall. They had destroyed the theatre.

After leaving the mall as fast as possible, Stan and Kyle returned to Kyle's house. Stan made Kyle shower first to get the black powder off, and when Stan was done, he returned to Kyle's room to find him sitting on his bed in deep thought. He looked up when Stan came in.

"Thanks for letting me borrow your clothes," Stan said, dropping his dirty ones on the floor. He sat next to Kyle on the bed. "Is something wrong?"

"I was just thinking," Kyle started, "I really wish you hadn't bought that wallet."

Stan froze. He had expected something more serious to be on Kyle's mind. "Dude, what's so bad about me buying a wallet?"

Kyle turned to his nightstand and pulled a drawer open. "Because your birthday is in a few weeks," he said glumly, pulling a wallet out of the drawer. "And I already got you one."

"Aw," Stan started, actually feeling a bit guilty as he finally understood Kyle's earlier frustration. "Dude, that's so awesome." He took the wallet and examined it happily.

"Well it's not so awesome now," Kyle pouted. "And it's not like it has John Elway carved into it."

Stan sat the wallet down and looked at Kyle. "I'll just have to return the one I bought. I like this one a lot better anyway."

Kyle smiled sheepishly. "Really?"

"Totally." Stan shoved himself beside Kyle against the pillow and pulled out his phone. "I had an old picture in my wallet, but it's all messed up now. Let's take a new one."

Kyle covered his face. "Ack. No way. I'm covered in sores. Don't take a picture of me."

"Then," Stan said, lowering the phone, "I'll take one on my birthday. And I don't think I'll have a party or anything. It'll just be me and you. What do you think?"

Kyle looked down as he smiled. "That... I'd like that a lot."

"Sweet."

Kyle tapped the new wallet in Stan's hand and said, "Happy birthday, Stan."

Stan wrapped his arm around Kyle and gave him a side hug. "Thanks, dude."