All right. This is not an actual fanfic, but I am too lazy to be bothered
with writing a proper fanfic, with sport and shool and erg homework. I've
had these floating around for ages so here you are. The decrypted code that
is at the bottom of the pages in the Artemis Fowl books. The grammar is
inferred.
Fesh
Book 1 :Artemis Fowl
The Prophecies of Ohm Phlegm, Pot Cleaner to Frond Elfin King. I am Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner to the King, but I am much more than that, for I see the future written in the phlegm.
For centuries, we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarves.
But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two moons ago. When I was gazing deep into His Majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen.
Because of its importance, I decided to write it down for posterity, and so I can say "I told you so". I saw an age when the People had been driven underground by mud men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time, one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A mud man like any other, he shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale; he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake for he seems a mere youth. Surely no mud boy could outwit the People. But now I see that the boy is not alone; he is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles.
This Fowl shall hold the People ransom for their most precious possession: gold. And in spite of all our magic, he will prevail; for he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say, but there was more to see.
Someone will bring the People and mud men together, the worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all creatures of the earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor? It is not clear, but he will start a war unlike anything the People have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him.
And for the first time, there will be mud men below ground. I have one clue to his identity: a riddle.
"Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall, A villainous elf is behind it all. To find the one who so disappoints Look ye to where the finger points. Instead of one face, this elf has two Both speak false and none speak true. While publicly he lends a helping hand His true aim is to seize command."
I know, it's not very plain is it? I don't understand it either, but perhaps in the future, all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale.
And so this is Ohm's Legacy, a warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner, there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here ends the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions, I shall repeat the prophecies once more.
Of you who have just begun to understand the text, then read on. Of you who worked out the entire message, then congratulations, now go and save the world.
(Whole thing repeats again).
Well, there you go. Phlegm. Lovely.
Fesh
Book 1 :Artemis Fowl
The Prophecies of Ohm Phlegm, Pot Cleaner to Frond Elfin King. I am Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner to the King, but I am much more than that, for I see the future written in the phlegm.
For centuries, we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarves.
But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two moons ago. When I was gazing deep into His Majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen.
Because of its importance, I decided to write it down for posterity, and so I can say "I told you so". I saw an age when the People had been driven underground by mud men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time, one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A mud man like any other, he shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale; he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake for he seems a mere youth. Surely no mud boy could outwit the People. But now I see that the boy is not alone; he is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles.
This Fowl shall hold the People ransom for their most precious possession: gold. And in spite of all our magic, he will prevail; for he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say, but there was more to see.
Someone will bring the People and mud men together, the worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all creatures of the earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor? It is not clear, but he will start a war unlike anything the People have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him.
And for the first time, there will be mud men below ground. I have one clue to his identity: a riddle.
"Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall, A villainous elf is behind it all. To find the one who so disappoints Look ye to where the finger points. Instead of one face, this elf has two Both speak false and none speak true. While publicly he lends a helping hand His true aim is to seize command."
I know, it's not very plain is it? I don't understand it either, but perhaps in the future, all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale.
And so this is Ohm's Legacy, a warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner, there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here ends the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions, I shall repeat the prophecies once more.
Of you who have just begun to understand the text, then read on. Of you who worked out the entire message, then congratulations, now go and save the world.
(Whole thing repeats again).
Well, there you go. Phlegm. Lovely.