Remus Lupin painted the final rune on the wooden floor just before sunset. The dying rays shone through the loose boards of the wooden shed illuminating the dust that flew in hopeless circles through the air.
Hopeless circles, just like his life. A brief moment of health and happiness, followed by despair.
He rose carefully to his feet and surveyed his handiwork. Five rows of dark red letters hugged the edges of the room, four golden seals at the compass points, and overhead in jet black, a rune that said STAY.
So often he had written runes of warning and guard to keep things out. Today he sought to hold them in.
He consulted his notes. He had taken them in haste having come when called to fight Death Eaters in the halls of Hogwarts. He had stayed to put a great man to rest. No one had noticed him slip into the restricted section of the library to copy the spell. Necromancy was a dark art. But what did any of that matter now that Dumbledore was dead?
Besides, he was a monster.
The last rays of light emptied from the room leaving darkness behind. Remus pulled out his wand and started a fire under the caldron. He added the ingredients one by one, and then sat waiting for the mixture to boil. The pungent smell of corpse flower essence filled the room with the odor of death. He'd bought it just that morning from a tiny shop in Nocturn Alley. The place had been full of people and other creatures. Some were filled with panic. Others with glee. With Dumbledore dead, it wasn't hard to see which way the wind was blowing.
He hadn't been the only one walking the streets in disguise. Hiding his monstrously scarred face behind a hood. The order was in hiding. Snape had betrayed them, and so number 12 Grimmauld Place was no longer a safe place to meet. Tonks had begged him to stay with her at her parents, but Dumbledore had died at an inconvenient time of the month, so he had come here alone.
Sitting in the darkness, lit only by the fire of the cauldron, he pulled from his robes the bottle of Death Nettle Wine. This was the reason he hadn't done the spell as soon as Sirius had fallen through the veil. His own cowardice. The wine had been used in the years before Veritas serum was refined. A much rougher potion, it caused hallucinations, vivid memories, and sometimes death. It was specified in the spell, because one may only speak truth to the dead.
He uncapped the bottle, and took a sip. It was bitter. He drank the rest down in large sips. Then he began to sway. He was already exhausted from the recent full moon. The beast took all of his energy. It had taken him all day to set up the spell.
He collapsed down on the bare mattress he had laid on the floor, and rested.
The girl had dark curls that hung down to her shoulders. The green bow in her hair matched her Slytherin robes. It was fifth year and she leapt out at them as they walked down the hall causing Sirius to freeze, James' head clasped under his arm.
"Hello James," she said with a shy smile. Then she stood there, not even having the decency to go on her way. Encantra was her name, and she was a nuisance, following him around and showing up in places where she shouldn't be.
As his time of the month approached, Lupin became afraid. She would see James. She would watch him change. Follow him to the shrieking shack, and then monster that he was, he would kill her. He woke imagining her broken beside him as he woke from the change covered with her blood.
"Don't come this time," He said to James. "I wouldn't be surprised if she's using a spell to track you. If she follows..."
"Leave her to me," Sirius said in his gravely voice. "I have an idea how to get her to stop following us."
The next day, they used the map to see that she was hiding in the stairwell waiting to jump out at them. Just before they reached the stairwell, Sirius wrapped his arm around James neck and pulled him into a kiss. James turned toward him and kissed back.
Encantra's smile faded when she saw them snogging in the hallway, bold as brass. Tears filled her eyes and she turned and ran away. Once she had passed the corner, James fell to his knees with laughter. Sirius and Peter also laughed, but he couldn't. His mouth was still open in shock.
Lupin opened his eyes.
"Ah yes, the wine." That's what it did, brought remembrances and truth. He had to be careful or he might miss midnight.
Remus sat up and pulled out his pocket watch. The potion was simmering. He took off his robes and folded them neatly before hiding them under the mattress. Something he was very used to doing. Then he lay the knife beside the watch. And sat down. He lay his head back.
He awoke to a strange sound. Reaching for his wand, he spelled back the curtains and saw James and Sirius snogging on Sirius' bed. Their mouths opened and closed. He could see their tongues sliding past each other. Sirius reached up and tugged on James' constantly messy hair. Remus sat up and watched, his mouth open in shock.
"Wha...what are you doing!" he said his breath coming in gasps.
James raised his eyes. They looked so soft and wet without his glasses. "We spent so much time fake snogging that we thought we'd give it a go for real," he said tugging Sirius' shirt open to reveal his chest.
"But... but... we can't do that here!" Remus said, his voice raising an octave.
"Its a bedroom isn't it?" Sirius said before climbing on top of James and throwing his shirt down beside the bed.
He must have looked truly shocked because James cracked a smile then, and Peter laughed so hard that he fell through the bed curtains he had been hiding behind and began rolling on the floor with laughter. It was only then he realized they had been playing a joke on him.
"Very funny," Remus said as James joined in on the laughter.
"I told you he was more shocked than Encantra was," Peter said.
"Shocked?" Sirius said. "I think he was just jealous."
"Jealous? I'm not... I mean, I don't want..."
Sirius caught his eye, and smirked. Then he and James climbed of of his bed and onto Remus'.
"What are you do..." He began but he stopped when James shoved his tongue in his mouth. Then he felt Sirius' lips on his neck, and he gasped despite himself giving James more reach to go at his mouth. After a while, James fell back and started to laugh again. It was Peter who was staring open mouthed now. Sirius smiled and then climbed off of the bed just has James had.
"That wasn't funny," Peter said.
"On the contrary, it was hilarious watching you gape like a fish after you'd criticized Remus for doing it."
"I wish I was kissing Lily!" James said falling back on Sirius' bed and miming holding her in his arms.
Remus sat in bed holding the blankets up against him. He looked up to see Sirius staring. Both of them knew that he was hard as a rock below his blankets. He knew, because he couldn't calm his breath. Sirius knew because it was his hands down Remus' pants that had caused it.
He woke to the sound of his alarm going off. It was almost midnight. He shook his head to clear it and then sat up, pulling the notes toward him. It was time.
In the caldron, the potion had a film of pale green on the surface. He raised the fire a bit with his wand, then he picked up the knife. He took off the last of his clothing and then cut a thin line across his breast. Just one more scar to add to all of the others he had there. Then he held the knife over the cauldron and shook in three drops of blood.
Black smoke rose in a column and curled around the edges of the room. Then Remus spoke.
"From the edges of shadow,
From the dark depths of Hell,
I call thee, O spirit,
To perform my will."
He dropped another drop of blood into the caldron and continued.
"From the lowliest servant,
To the king high with fame,
You will perform my bidding,
when I call out your name."
SIRIUS BLACK!
At that point all of the runes glowed brilliant blue. Then abruptly faded. It took a few moments for Remus' eyes to adjust to the light.
Then he saw, as if from a great distance, two blue eyes glowing. It was far away. The walls of the hut having dissolved. As he stared, he could see the eyes belonged to a large, black dog. The dog began to run toward him, picking up speed as it approached closer and closer. As it crossed the lines of runes, it transformed into a man.
Sirius Black staggered into the room, but it was not Sirius as he had looked in death. It was not even the Sirius of his recent dream. He was tall, whole, and unscarred. His hair cut short as it had been at James' wedding. Remus had never admitted how long he had mourned the loss of that fringe of hair. He had never told anyone how much he loved the way Sirius flipped it out of his eye so artfully.
The spectre of Sirius stood before Remus and tried to speak. He moved his mouth, but there was no sound.
Frustrated, he tried again to form words. Reaching out, he tried to touch Remus' face, but his hand passed through his body.
"Sirius, wait. Not like that. These bargains with death, they require a price. Some life given, some of my life given to make you flesh.
Remus smeared his hand across his chest coating it with his blood. Then he reached out to Sirius, and touched the skin over Sirius' heart.
They both seemed surprised by the contact, staring as Remus' hand slowly stroked across Sirius' chest, rolling over the muscles and brushing away the spectral robes that seemed to cover him.
They could touch now. Sirius was solid, corporeal, but cold as a marble tomb.
"This is old magic," Remus said. " The kind that witches did in the woods to call back their lovers. The kind they did to have a child after their husband was dead. You won't be able to talk, not until... not until the deed is done."
Sirius' eyebrows rose. Remus had finally succeeded in shocking him.
Remus smiled. Then he embraced him.
Sirius stared at Remus. Then the edge of his lip turned up into a handsome, wicked smile right before he kissed him.
Sirius' lips were cold, and Remus shivered as he pressed his hips forward.
Sirius advanced on Remus, their flesh sliding against each other as he backed his feet up against the mattress. They toppled on top of it like two trees felled together.
Sirius shivered then. Suddenly he too could feel the cold. Remus reached down and grabbed his flesh, knowing what he had to do to give him warmth and life. He opened his arms inviting him in.
Sirius' flesh felt hard and dead. Remus pulled away. It wasn't enough to lie here beneath him. The spell required truth! He had to give of himself. Reveal himself in order to bring Sirius back to life.
Now he understood the need for the death nettle wine, to loosen his tongue. He looked up into Sirius' dark eyes and confessed.
"I want you. I've wanted you ever since that morning when you touched me in my bed fifth year.
"In school, I imagined cornering you in the bedroom when the others were gone, or in the shrieking shack. I imagined the cries you'd make. I sat alone in the shack while you were taking classes, thrusting my wand inside myself, transfiguring the tip to match you perfectly. I used polyjuice to learn your body's form, stealing a hair and brewing it one night when you were sleeping.
"I've had crushes before. I liked Lily, even before James did. But I would never... I could never be with anyone. Because I'm a monster. But you... you knew I was a monster and was still my friend. I thought that maybe... one day... we might.
"When James died, I was heartbroken, but I didn't know if I was more heart broken over Lily and James death, or over losing you.
"When you escaped from Azkaban, my dreams were out of control. I imagined you coming into my room at night and taking me. Forcing me to do your bidding. Twelve years is a long time to be without. I had wild fantasies about you every night. And then you came back, and for a moment, I thought we could be together again. But then the moon took me, and I changed, and when I came back to myself. You were already gone.
"Then when Dumbledore reformed the Order, I wanted to tell you how I felt. But James... James was between us. I realized then that you felt the same thing for him that I had felt for you. And then... you fell."
"I wanted to run in after you, but there was Harry to think about. It was too late. Before I had the courage to tell you how I felt, you were gone."
Remus only noticed the tears running down his cheeks when Sirius brushed them away. His cold fingers tingled against his skin like the first fall of snow.
Sirius leaned forward and kissed his lips softly.
Remus closed his eyes as Sirius slipped inside him. The cold was intense. Like a dementor passing beside him. He could feel the heat of his body flowing into Sirius. His life passing out of him. Sirius sucked it up greedily. He pressed down on his body thrusting deeper and harder into Remus, until he couldn't breathe.
He had no strength to push back any longer. He had to let go.
Remus had always held himself tightly inside. Holding his feelings down, to keep the monster from getting out. Now, he relaxed and let his mind and body soar free. Falling slack as Sirus lifted his hips, grasping the wirey strong muscles in his thighs, before falling down onto him again.
Remus felt open and free for the first time as a man. He wanted, and now, he could have.
He grabbed Sirius' shoulder firmly, letting his nails scrape his solid back as he latched onto his neck with his still human-shaped teeth. He wanted to tear his flesh open. He wanted to crawl inside Sirius as Sirius had crawled inside of him. He wanted to rip open his heart and climb inside. He had never let himself touch anyone the way he truly wanted to touch them. Never let anyone love him the way he wanted to be loved, because he knew, that inside, he was a monster.
Sirius was warming up now. His skin was getting hotter and hotter as he thrust and thrust inside of Remus. Remus wrapped his hand around his member. Now it was he who was cold, his fingers that felt like ice. He pulled them across his flesh the back of his hand burning as it touched Sirius' finely muscled abdomen.
He cried out, throwing his head back and howling as he came and came all over himself.
He howled, and then fell back limply as Sirius continued to thrust inside him.
He felt dizzy. Then...
He was in number 12 Grimmauld Place. He hadn't known where else to go. Sirius was dead and Dumbledore had taken Harry back to the school. He wasn't sure the house would receive him now that its master had gone, but it looked as it always had. Dusky, old, and dark. Remus walked up the stairs to Sirius' room. He reached out, but he couldn't bring himself to open the door. Instead he stood outside of it, and cried.
He heard footsteps. He glanced behind him, then turned his face away to hide his tears.
"Nymphadora, I didn't know you were still here."
"Don't call me Nymphadora. It's Tonks."
"Are the others downstairs?"
"No. They've all gone."
Remus wiped his eyes, and then turned toward her. Her short brown hair was tipped with blue.
"I'm sorry about Sirius. I know he was your friend."
"I should be the one offering condolences. He was your cousin."
"I never knew him like you did."
"No, you didn't."
Tonks stepped forward cautiously. Then she reached her arms around him giving him a hug. He closed his eyes reveling in the warmth of her compassion.
"Thank You," he said pulling away from her. "I think, I've been holding my breath ever since Sirius fell through that veil. Now that Dumbledore has taken Harry, I don't know what to do. So I came here. Somehow, I felt that... I guess I thought he'd be here, waiting for me. That's stupid isn't it?"
"Remus," she said her eyes frowning.
"There isn't even a body for me to cry over. I know he can't come back, but I can't shake the feeling that he's just on the other side of this door. I can't bear to open it, because then I'll know that he really is dead. I'll know... that I truly am alone."
Tonks grabbed his arm, rushing forward to face him. "You're not alone," she said her hand reaching up to touch his cheek. "You have me," she said. Then she kissed him.
Sirius pulled back, his eyes open in wonder.
"I love you," she said. "I know this is a terrible time to tell you. I always been clumsy about things like that. But I can't watch you hurting without telling you. You aren't alone. I love you and I'm always thinking of you."
Her eyes looked at him, she was so sincere, so open. He couldn't bear it. He pushed her away.
"Go home, Nymphadora. Go back to your family."
"I won't. And I told you to call me Tonks."
Lupin took a deep breath and then he turned to face her again. He made his voice harsh and cold. "Tonks, I know you want to make me feel better, and you may even think that you feel something for me. But be reasonable. I'm not someone you can love. I am a werewolf. I am a monster!"
"You're a man!"
She reached out and stroked his arms firmly as one would calm a horse or a hippogriff. "You're a good man, Remus. The best man I know other than my father. You may transform when the moon is full, but when it is not you are good and kind. I know you."
Remus' voice lowered to a growl. "I assure you, young lady, that you do not!"
"I am an auror," she said with equal steel in her voice. "I have seen many men. The bad, and those who are worse. I've met hypocrites, liars and cheats, and I know that there are few men as good as you are."
He looked at her warm eyes, and he wanted to let himself collapse into her arms. He wanted someone to hold him and tell him that it was okay, but she was young and beautiful, and he couldn't let her attach to him.
"I'm not a man. I'm a monster. Go home!"
Remus walked past her, but Tonks grabbed his arm. "Don't run away!"
With a strength he wouldn't have guessed she had, she pushed him up against the wall. Shaking the portrait so it complained and left its frame.
"Look at me!" she said. Her hands holding his shoulders against the wall. "I've seen you notice me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't like me. That you don't care about me at all."
"Dora..." his eyes slid to the floor.
"My name is Tonks!" she said pounding him up against the wall again.
Remus raised his eyes and looked at her. She was right. He had noticed her. Ever since they had started to work together, he had thought of her, of touching her. She was funny, and kind, and pleasant to be around. She never pulled back from him in disgust. She never called him names or looked at him as anything other than a friend.
"You don't want to be with me," he said in a voice that was almost pleading.
"I assure you, Remus Lupin, that I do." Then she gave him a crooked smile, and her hair fell over her eye. She tossed it aside carelessly, and something inside him flipped.
He rushed forward and kissed her, catching her by surprise as he thrust her against the opposite wall. His hands roamed over her body, his lips stroked across her ear and her neck. She was so soft, and thin, and young, and alive. And she was here, while Sirius was gone.
He lifted her dress and pulled down firmly on the clothes below them. She lifted her knee and leaned back against the wall, calling out his name as he thrust into her. She was soft and so wet already that he hardly had any trouble getting inside her as he pounded her into the wall. Thrusting faster and faster, his heart beating as it only did when he transformed.
She screamed out "Yes!" and "Please!" and "I love you!" and he came inside her harder than he ever had before. He dropped his head to her shoulder and let her hold him. And in that moment, he truly felt at peace.
Then he lifted his head, and saw her blissfully smiling back at him. Lovely Tonks. Her face soft, and her hair blushing bright pink.
What had he done?
He stepped back and did up his trousers.
She was leaning against the wall, her clothes disheveled. She was glowing with Joy.
Shame filled him. They hadn't even used a protective spell!
"I'm a monster," he said. Then he ran, down the stairs and out of the mansion.
Her screams of "Remus? Remus!" following him as he apparated away.
"Remus opened his eyes to find himself lying beside Sirius. His hand was resting on his chest, and he felt warm."
"Oh Good. For a moment there, I thought you would slip away as well."
"Sirius, You're here."
"Of course, I'm here. That's what the stupid spell was for, wasn't it? To get me here. But why'd you do it, Remus? Why call me back? Is it Harry? Has he been hurt?"
"No Harry is fine. But Dumbledore is gone. Snape has betrayed us, and He is gaining power again. I am alone, and I don't know what I should do next."
"I can't tell you that, Remus. The decisions of life must be made by the living. That's not why you really called me here. Remember, you must tell the truth to the dead. Tell me the question that is truly in your heart."
He paused. There was something that he needed to know. Something that kept him up at night. He looked into Sirius' eyes and asked, "Am I a monster?"
"No. You're not a monster, Remus. If anyone was a monster it was me, and James. Breaking rules for the fun of it. Endangering our lives and the lives of others in our quest to be cool. Being dead gives you a great deal of perspective on your life.
"What did I ever do with the life I was given? I failed at stopping Voldemort from killing my best friend. I even failed at avenging his death, twice. The only thing that gave my life the least bit of meaning was taking care of Harry, and my friendship with you."
"Don't lie to me."
"The dead don't lie. Have you never once thought of what you've done with your life? Have you ever realized how important you are?"
"I'm worthless. I can't even hold down a job. No one wants to be around me."
"Do you really believe that? You are a magnet, Lupin. People are attracted to you, especially the lost and the forgotten. People love you, like they never loved me. You've helped people without them ever knowing it was you. Doing thing out of kindness. You may think we can't see, but you can't hide such things from the dead.
"When you were a teacher, the way you helped those students, the way you taught Harry. It meant something. Harry would have died more than once without what you've shown him. In fact, he would never have been born.
"Do you think Lily Evans would have married James if he was the same boy he was as a first year. We were awful children, arrogant, selfish, and cruel."
"But you changed into good men. You grew up."
"Growing up is only getting older. It doesn't make a person better. The thing that made us better, Remus, was you.
"You, with your secret we couldn't rest until we'd broken. You, and your kindness, your compassion despite the deal the world had handed you. You made us want to improve ourselves. We learned to become animagus for love of you. The marauders, all of the things we did, all of the things we became, was because of you.
"I died with nothing, the last of a dead house. But you're not dead, Remus. You have a chance to live. To find happiness. To find love.
"There is nothing the dead morn more than to see someone with so much promise for life, who never dares to live."
Remus' eyes started to water. He reached out, and Sirius held his hand.
"Don't cry for me, Remus. Cry for yourself. Cry for the life you could have had, if you had ever dared to say yes."
Remus leaned forward. His forehead touching Sirius' chest. He held him, feeling the warmth of life in his skin, warmth that had come from him.
"It's almost daylight. I'll have to go."
"Don't go. Don't leave me Sirius!"
"There are some rules, Remus, that even I can't break."
The fire had burnt out, but the dawn light spilled into the room through the cracks.
Remus looked into Sirius' eyes and said, "You were always, my first true love."
"I'll tell James and Lily that I saw you."
"I miss you."
"You'll see us again. And we're never very far away. Live, Remus. Make us proud."
The first ray of Sunlight shone in through the slit on the top of the door. Remus looked up to see the seal on the ceiling fading away into smoke.
When he looked back down, Sirius was gone.
He sat up and looked around the room. The runes were gone. The potion, a burnt out crust on the bottom of his caldron. He picked up his wand and spelled it away. Then he reached under the mattress for his clothes and carefully put them back on. He tapped the cauldron to shrink it down, and then he put both it and the knife into his pocket before folding up his pocket watch and putting it away as well.
Specks of dust were spiraling through the shaft of light in circles. He didn't feel like one of them anymore.
"I am NOT a monster. I am a man," Remus said.
Then he opened the door letting the sunlight flood over him as he started back for home.