A/N: As if I don't have enough things to procrastinate on, I have to go and write and post this so it can be added to the list.
I like to call this little story "Sai's Adventure" but "The Author Completely Screws Over Canon" works too.
Crack fic. You've been warned.
Disclaimer: My name isn't Masashi Kishimoto, so I don't own Naruto or Naruto Shippuden. I'll let you know if that changes, though.
It was a fine day in Konoha, and Team Kakashi fervently wished that it would rain. Or snow. Hail, sleet, tornado... anything would do, even an attack by multiple-orange haired corpses controlled by a redhead with a tragic past and his blue-haired partner that would destroy the entire town would do. As long as they got out of this.
For you see, Sai had discovered a rather interesting section in the library. None of them knew that, but when Sai whipped out his scroll and pen and began writing furiously while occasionally stopping to ask a question with that too-innocent smile, all of the members got the same shiver of dread. Even Sasuke, as he trudged along with Team Hebi.
"Naruto, if we are going to be walking through snowy mountains, you will want to have a pair of boots, right?"
"Yes, Sai... but we haven't gotten a mission that will send us to any snowy mountains, have we, Sakura-chan?"
"No." Sai said, smiling pleasantly at his teammates. "I think we had better bring along Tenten, don't you think?"
"Why?" Asked Naruto, scratching his head as he tried to figure out what was running through Sai's head. He quickly gave up on cracking that shell and instead turned to thoughts of his beloved ramen.
"She doesn't do much." Sakura said. "And it's not like she has a tragic past or anything interesting that could be important- well, she could, we don't actually know. But what good could she do, for whatever it is your planning?"
"That's precisely why we must take her." Sai said.
He began writing again, as Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi all watched in apprehension. Instinct told them that whatever Sai was planning didn't bode well for them.
Finally, Sai finished. "I'm done, now, we will have to collect the folllowing things and people. Here are your lists."
"And why are we going to do this?" Kakashi asked Sai, staring at him with his one eye. Sai only smiled, provoking a flash of irritation in Kakashi.
"I've already cleared it with Tsunade-sama, Kakashi-sensei." Sai said, completely stepping over the question. Kakashi shrugged, and decided to play along. It would certainly be easier than trying to wrestle Sai's plans out of him.
Kakashi took a look at the list that Sai gave him, and his shoulders stooped a little. He might be the copy-nin, but he was no miracle-worker.
Sighing, Kakashi set out to get the first and most difficult thing on his list: Anko.
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He found her at the Dango shop.
"Yo, Anko." He called. She turned around, dango shoved in one side of her mouth and making the cheek puff out like a chipmunk's
"O Aahi!" She sang, then chewed her food and swallowed. "What brings you to this part of the town?" She asked, playfully. Kakashi simply tucked his hands in his pockets, leaned back into his lazy posture, and regarded her with a single black eye.
"Sai's planning something. Your on a list I'm supposed to collect. Wanna come?"
She took another bite of dango and chewed thoughtfully. "Hmm... okay!" Kakashi sighed. That went a lot easier than he expected. Anko must've been in a good mood.
"Right then. Next on the list we need fifteen sealing scrolls."
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Sakura, with Ino and Shikamaru in tow, stopped rather reluctantly in front of the clothing store.
"This is so blatantly sexist. Just because I am a girl, does not mean I like to shop."
From behind her, Ino snorted and Shikamaru muttered one of his signature troublesomes.
"Whatever." Sakura said, and walked into the shop.
She went straight to the back, found the winter clothes, and picked out the fifteen scarves and boots. The boots were all black and of a one-size-fits-most variety, the scarves red as Sai had specified. She then picked out the twelve white cloaks he wanted. Noting they had a black stripe on the bottom, she hoped they would be alright. She paid for the clothes, using money Sai had given her, and walked back out of the shop.
"That's an awful lot of winter clothing you have." Ino remarked.
"Yeah, I know, but it's what Sai said we need for whatever it is he decided we're doing."
"Okay, so, what's next?"
"I just need a standard selection of medicinal herbs." Sakura said. "My tasks were fairly easy... I wonder how Kakashi-sensei and Naruto are doing?"
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Naruto became aware of the drool at the corner of his mouth and wiped it away hurriedly.
"That's gross." Tenten said. Naruto ignored her.
"Look at how beautiful it is, Tenten, Neji..." He whispered in reverance. The two teammates gave each other looks of agreement: Naruto was insane.
The blonde genin stared at the impressive ramen display in wonder, and was literally worshipping the clearance sign.
"All of it." He said to himself more than to Neji or Tenten. "We'll buy all of it." He dug around excitedly for both the money Sai gave him and his own in his pockets. Burdened with the weight of the fifteen sleeping bags Naruto had already boughten, Neji and Tenten followed him as he excitedly ran up to the nearest worker, a newly-hired girl stacking cans who promptly fainted when Naruto told her he wanted to buy all of their ramen.
As the three walked out of the store, holding piles so high that only their ninja training allowed them to handle the weight and blocked vision without killing themselves -and some of the food was already sealed in the scroll Tenten had on her!- Neji remembered something and walked over to the pile that his byakugan revealed to be Naruto.
"Naruto?" Neji asked. "Didn't the list say to buy other things besides ramen?"
At Naruto's "Oh, yeah! Oops..." Neji and Tenten groaned.
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Back at the training grounds, Kakashi and Anko, each with a sealing scroll on their backs, stopped to watch Team Kurenai as they sparred with each other. Kurenai caught sight of the two approaching and called out for her team to stop. Kakashi slowly made his way over to Kurenai, who smiled at the two.
"I got Sai's message a while ago, it figures you'd be late." Kakashi inclined his head, smiling beneath his mask.
"Ah, well, had to buy tents... so many to choose from." Kakashi said. Anko grinned at Kurenai from behind Kakashi but remained silent.
"Shino, Hinata, Kiba, and Akamaru!" Kurenai yelled to her team. "You're all going to follow Kakashi now, and I'll see you later. Great training!" She gave a smile to each of her students and then left. Kakashi turned to the team and smiled.
"Hello, young chunin... I suppose you read Sai's message?"
Kiba nodded vigorously. "He said we were supposed to go with you... meet him and the others at the training field." Kakashi nodded, thoughtfully.
"So you know as little as I do. Well, let's go, then!" The three humans and the dog got in line behind Anko and Kakashi for the march back to Sai.
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Sakura and Naruto had arrived back at the training grounds, along with everything on their lists, long before Kakashi. Sai had pulled out a scroll and paintbrush and begun painting but everyone else could only fidget and try not to stare at the two bags Sai had with him that held rather odd-shaped bulges.
Imaginations were running wild -a little too wild, if the disgusted faces on Tenten and Ino were any clues- when Kakashi finally sat down on the ground and took off the strap that held his sealing scroll up. Anko followed suit, and the students of team eight and Akamaru sat down behind them.
"Did you seal the tents and other scrolls in these two scrolls, Kakashi?" Sai asked. Kakashi nodded and Sai nodded and smiled once more. "Good. Well, we have everybody and everything... although all Naruto purchased was ramen."
"It was on clearance, dattebayo. What was I supposed to do?" Naruto sulked. Kakashi eyed the large pile behind him and wondered if Naruto purchased all the ramen in the store.
Kakashi sighed as Sakura punched Naruto in the head.
"So, Sai, why don't you explain all this...?" He motioned vaguely at the assumbled people and the gathered supplies. Sai smiled.
"We are going on an adventure to bring Sasuke back." Sai said. "If you are all wondering, yes, Tsunade-sama did indeed give permission."
Kakashi instantly replaced the word "adventure" with "mission" and nodded, along with everyone else who did the exact same thing.
"Alright, doesn't sound too bad. Why all the secrecy?" Asked Kiba.
"If I told you, you might not have come." Sai said. "Sasuke is a traitor... but he is also very important, and we need him to come back to his team, so please come with us." Everyone gave their agreement and Sai brightened.
"Everyone will be getting one of these sealing scrolls to carry their clothes and weapons and any additional things they want to bring in. The supplies we have here will be divided amongst everyone. Please, go back home and pack, and tomorrow morning we will meet at the front gate wearing our cloaks." Sai said.
The ramen, sleeping bags, boots, and scarves were divided into fifteen even piles and the scrolls and tents unsealed. All the piles were sealed into their own scroll, and a tent sealed in one of three scrolls. The cloaks were handed out, and Sai removed a few items from one of his bags then sealed it into his own scroll, then dumped the other one out and began dividing into piles of five. He was left with five piles of assorted camping supplies and sealed those into the scrolls containing the tents.
Sai finished up by picking up the items he removed from the bag -a giant pot, a ladle, and a few glass bottles with unmarked paper labels and cork stoppers- and sealed them into a scroll, then handed it to Sakura.
"Ah, thank you, Sai." She said.
"No problem." Sai smiled at her. "Kakashi-sensei will share a tent with Neji and Tenten. Anko-sensei will share with Ino and Shikamaru. Shino, Hinata, Kiba, and Akamaru together and Naruto, Sakura, and I as teams."
"Sai, who are the three extra scrolls and the extra tent for?" Asked Sakura.
"We will meet them on our way." Sai said, then sealed said scrolls in his own. "Everyone, please take your scroll and cloak home, and we will meet you at the front gate this morning. Kakashi-sensei, please don't be late."
"Now, now, Sai-kun... I always have good reasons." Kakashi said.
"Yeah, like getting lost on the path of life." Sakura muttered, rolling her eyes.
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The entire group was there, as soon as they had eated breakfast, waiting for Kakashi.
The smart ones who brought lunch were finishing theres' when those who hadn't brought lunch returned with bellies full of Ichiraku's ramen and Kakashi in tow. They set out immediately when he arrived, and traveled for sometime in the direction Sai told them.
It was a long journey when they finally reached a point where Sai said to stop. He gathered Tenten, Shikamaru, Anko, and Neji and together they went on ahead.
"When we reach a certain cave, I will need Neji to use his byakugan." Sai said. "And ascertain two persons inside -one fishman and one Uchiha Itachi."
"Uchiha Itachi! Isn't he Uchiha Sasuke's brother?" Tenten asked.
"Yes, and so we will need Itachi to come with us if we are to get Sasuke." Sai said.
"Not to rain on your parade or anything, but how are you going to get Mr-Itachi-big-shot-S-rank-missing-nin to come with us?" Anko asked.
"How troublesome..." Muttered Shikamaru. "I should've stayed home."
"No, we need your genius and laziness, Shikamaru-san. You are the wise, bearded man that will guide us on our adventure... except, of course, you have no beard. Do you think you could grow one?" Sai said.
"What?" Tenten asked. Neji sighed and plodded on, concsious of his destiny to be surrounded by fools.
"You heard him." Anko alone seemed unbothered by the comment. "Last one to the evil lair's a rotten egg!" She called, and took off.
Sai began chuckling. "I see Anko-chan has decided to invoke the custom of a race to pass the time. Are you all familiar with it?"
Tenten, Neji, and Shikamaru all gave him what was meant to be "Are you friggin' serious?" stare but was translated as a confused stare. The three were treated to a lovely lecture on the details of the "rotten egg race" before Sai, after carefully explaining it to them, took off after Anko, leaving the three brunettes to walk alone. Tenten found the game childish, Neji had his stoic dignity to protect, and Shikamaru was too lazily distracted by the overhead clouds to run.
As soon as Sai got there, he waited for Neji patiently, but was spared by Anko popping her head out of the cave.
"Yo, Sai! Itachi and the fishman... Kisame, was it? Itachi and Kisame are in here." Sai smiled -this time it was genuine- and entered the cave with all thought of Neji, Tenten, and Shikamaru gone from his head.
"Thank you, Anko-chan. Uchuha Itachi?" Sai called out into the cave.
"Hn." Sai followed the grunt to a man with ponytail and lines already in his thirty-something face. He somehow looked frail and feminine, even when Sai knew that Itachi had killed all of his clan singlehandedly. Behind the man was the fishman, who was more of a sharkman, Kisame. He was big and blue and his eyes gleamed in the dark. Sai smiled and made a note to avoid Kisame at all times. Then he remembered that sharks have not one but two penises.
"Do you have two penises?" He addressed the blue sharkman. Anko burst out laughing from back behind at the front of the cave as Kisame's jaw dropped and he jumped up in surprise.
"I hope that is not why you are here." Itachi calmly threatened without moving a single facial muscle to express any hint of emotion. Sai remained smiling as Kisame glared at him.
"No. I'm here to get you to come with us, Uchiha Itachi."
"No."
"We are going on an adventure."
"No."
"To save Sasuke from his hatred and reunite him with his village and team. Also, Orochimaru is getting a little too creepy with his obsessing over Sasuke's body."
"Hn. Kisame, tell Leader I will be back in a while."
"Hey! How come I'm not going?" Kisame asked. Itachi glanced from Kisame to Sai.
With a smile, Sai said, "I'm sorry, but there is simply no role of a sharkman in an adventure."
A/N: I know, this is sort of fail crack. I usually adhere strongly to canon, and if I have the slightest doubt will research it, and I also obsess over making sure no characters are OOC. So now we have a weird mix of serious and humor. Sigh. Sai smiles a lot. It annoys me.
Review, please?