Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders. All characters belong to S.E Hinton.

Everyone thinks that being Dallas Winston is great. Dallas Winston: the tough guy who lives life as a greaser like it's a breeze. Dallas Winston, the hood that has no fear, no emotions, no feelings. The kid that's so tough that nothing can touch him and nothing can ever hurt him. The greaser that you should always avoid on the streets. I know exactly what people think of me. Well, they're wrong. Life isn't easy for me. It's far from it. I hate being a greaser and I hate livin' around here. I have feelings, I just don't show them. I am more emotional than most of the guys I know, but I hide it behind a tough face so nobody has to know how weak I really am and how lousy my life really is. I'm not as tough or strong as they think I am. I just have to act it.

Everyday gets harder as I struggle to get myself from my bed, knowin' that the day ahead of me is full of me havin' to live up to peoples expectations. I'm seen as this scary, tough hood, and that's not me. I can be scary when I want to and I can be tough when I want to, but it's not the real me.

I regret makin' my life bad. I wish I didn't start gettin' involved in crimes when I was just a kid. I regret it more and more with every breath I take. If I knew that this is what my life would be like now then I wouldn't have ever started it. I would've stayed at school and been a good kid. If I tried I could've even been like Ponyboy. I understand why Darry's always yellin' at him and worryin' about him, I feel the same about it, I just don't show it. Pony's the kid who still has a chance. He can do something good with his life. I don't ever wanna see him turn out like me.

At first I thought it was cool, breaking laws and stuff, like it was a good way to make friends. Man, was I wrong. Sure there are some people that like more for it, and some that even look up to me for what I do. I wouldn't call them friends though. In the end, I ended up pushin' away the people I cared most about. Now even my own old man doesn't even give a damn about me.

Dallas Winston caring about people?

Yeah, I bet that's what you're thinkin'. But, yeah, I do care about people. I only don't show it because of this reputation I have.

Now all I have left is the gang. Not that any of them dig me too much. They act scared of me more than anything and it kills me to know that that's the way it is.

All I want it friends who I can have a good time with. Friends who don't think I'm a hood, or just out to cause trouble. Friends who aren't secretly judging me. But I know that's not going to happen. Not when I have to act this way all the time, anyway.

I used to think that the gang wouldn't do that, now I'm not so sure. I see the way Darry acts when I'm around his brothers, like his watching me, waiting to pounce as soon as I do somethin' wrong. I see the way Pony looks at me with fear in his eyes, the way he does everythin' that I saw. It's the same with everyone else' they never even chat back to me and I wish they would. I just need someone to tell me 'no'.

I used to think that they all actually liked be, but now I just think it's fear and I'm beginning to doubt everythin'.

The only person I have now is Johnny and I suppose he's the only reason I'm alive if I think about it. I know what it'd do to him if I died and I can't be the one to make him feel that way, to be the cause of his pain. I'd rather have me hurtin' than him, any day of the week. I'll put up with my pain for as long as I have to as long as Johnny stays happy.

Instead, I just go out and purposely get into fights, just so I know that I can still feel pain and I'm not so tough that I can't feel it anymore.
That's something I never want. I never wanna be so tough that I'm unaware of what's going on around me and immune to pain. I know it will happen soon though if I carry on livin' this way.

I cut myself to ease the pain, watch as the blood pours out, until I have my satisfaction, just so I can ease the pain that I have to hide from everyone every day of my life.

I get so drunk that I pass out because that's the only way I can get to sleep and escape all of my thoughts. When I sleep I can pretend I'm someone else and I don't have to live this lousy life full of hurt.

If Johnny knew about it, I'm sure he'd hate me just as much as I hate myself, and that's exactly why I can't ever tell him. I can't lose him, not ever.

A/N: If you've read this then thank you :) Please review and tell me what you think and how you think I'm doing/can improve.

Hope you enjoy :)