Blame Spyrea for this mild insanity, she gave me the idea ages ago.
Why Naruto and Sasuke are banned from Tesco's
The man behind the bakery counter hummed to himself as he kneaded dough between his large, rough fingers, occasionally lifting it up and smacking it down on the floured surface in a bid to get more air into the mixture. Someone had fixed the radio that played throughout the store and Jack Johnson sang through the speakers up in the ceiling, courtesy of Tesco Radio. Customers of all ages and ethnicities pushed trolleys past his counter, and he smiled and waved jovially to them as they nodded to him in acknowledgement.
It was a perfectly normal Wednesday afternoon, and was shaping up to be a nice easy shift.
"LOOK OUT FOR THE FUCKING COUNTER BASTARD!" The baker jumped and almost dropped his dough mixture as a loud brash voice thundered down the cheese aisle about five metres from his counter, and there were yells and screams of customers, and then suddenly a blur of metal, yellow and black careered out of the end of the aisle and swerved sideways, narrowly avoiding a wandering five year old and coming to a screeching stop just before it hit the fish counter. Bob, who had been put in charge of said counter today, stared in horrified relief as the trolley halted inches from the glass cover over the food.
A blond boy with very tanned skin and an eyebrow piercing had somehow managed to squeeze his rather muscled body into the part of the trolley where purchases were supposed to go, his legs jammed up to his chest and the square metal gridding of the apparatus making strange patterns on his orange shorts. At the helm of the trolley was a tall thin boy with pale skin and strangely styled black hair. He bent over the handle and smacked the blond upside the head.
"OW!" the boy screeched, his voice very loud, "What was that for Sasuke?"
The pale boy, now known as Sasuke, snorted and spun the trolley around in the direction they had just come. The baker watched with wide eyes as Sasuke wheeled his blond companion back down the cheese aisle as if this was the most normal thing in the world to do at Tesco's.
"So, what's the first thing on the list?" Sasuke asked Naruto, who was in charge of the piece of paper Sakura had left on the kitchen table along with her note asking them to go shopping for her. Naruto peered at their friend's elaborate squiggly handwriting as Sasuke pushed them back to the entrance so that they could work through the aisles systematically.
"Um… I think that says broccoli," Naruto said, still squinting at the first line of the list. Sasuke turned the trolley in the direction of the fruit and veg section, where old ladies were holding up melons and squeezing them to check for ripeness. It was quite disturbing to watch.
Naruto leaned out of the trolley as they reached the greens section and grabbed a bag of washed and prepared broccoli, dumping it in his lap. "Right, now she wants… ginger? What, like a red head?"
Sasuke was as baffled as his blond best friend. "Lemme see that," he said, snatching the list away and staring at what Sakura had written. Yep, Naruto was telling the truth. Sakura had written "Ginger" on the list, in her pretty cursive with the little flicks she always did.
"I have no idea what that is," he admitted.
"Let's go ask that lady!" Naruto cried as if they were charging into battle, pointing at a frumpy woman with a bad haircut who was putting out pots of cherry tomatoes. Sasuke's mouth watered. At the tomatoes, not the fat lady.
He pushed them over to the employee, who stood up straight to stare at them warily. After all, its not every day a hyper blond is pushed up to you in a trolley by a moody goth/emo kid in the middle of Tesco's fruit section.
"Excuse me!" Naruto waved his arms wildly. She looked down at him, causing her chin to double up. Naruto held out his list, pointing at the second line of it. "What's ginger, miss?"
The lady blinked at them, and then turned away with a "Follow me" muttered in a deep, baritone voice that caught them off guard. Sasuke pushed Naruto after her wobbly behind, and she came to a stop next to the parsnips and swedes. She pointed awkwardly at what looked like white knobbly roots sat in a blue box container.
"That's ginger," she said, and then lumped away back to her tomato stacking. Sasuke and Naruto peered at the strange food she had shown them, which didn't bear even the slightest resemblance to Ron Weasley.
"Why does Sakura want this stuff?" Naruto asked, grabbing a bit of it and putting it in a little plastic bag before dropping it next to him along with the broccoli. "What can you cook with that shit?"
"Fuck knows," Sasuke replied, already wheeling them back to the cherry tomatoes because he had seen it on the list. He grabbed a few boxes and dumped them on top of Naruto, who swore and then piled them up behind his back.
They didn't meet any further problems for several items on the list, fortunately knowing what cabbage, carrots and peppers were. "Do we even eat any of this shit?" Naruto asked when Sasuke dropped a packet of corn on the cob into the growing sea of food around the blond.
"You don't. You just eat ramen," Sasuke pointed out. He glanced over Naruto's shoulder at the list, seeing that they now had to look for something called venison. Sakura had helpfully put "Meat Section" in brackets after the word, so Sasuke did an abrupt turn and they headed off to find this 'venison'.
After scouring the shelves for several minutes, Naruto complaining that the refrigeration was making him cold and people staring at the strange sight, they found a packet of what was labelled as "venison steak". Naruto picked it up and turned it over to read the back.
"Ew! Sasuke, this is deer meat!"
"What?" Sasuke burst out, grabbing the packet and reading the back with disbelief. Sure enough, there was a picture of a pretty little doe deer munching in a field, with an arrow pointing to her rump saying 'We cut this steak from here'.
"That's disgusting," he spat even as he put it in the trolley, for woe betide them if they didn't bring back one of Sakura's items (as written on the back of the list). "Does she put this crap in our food without telling us?"
"She better not," Naruto muttered, snatching some bacon and sausages off the shelves as they passed them. He was slowly starting to get covered in packaged food. Sasuke had a funny vision of him pushing a trolley full of purchases with Naruto's head sticking out of the top and snickered to himself.
Their next little stumble didn't occur until the pasta aisle. Sakura had written 'tortellini' down, and whilst Sasuke knew this was a type of pasta, neither of them knew what it looked like. They stared at the masses of different shaped noodles in faint wonder. A child began screeching at his mother just down the aisle, demanding to know why she had told him that he was too big to ride in the trolley when 'that big yellow man' was doing just that. The mother shot them a disapproving look, clearly annoyed that they were impeding on her parenting.
They eventually found the pasta, and as they headed off to the frozen section in search of Sakura's favourite ice cream, Naruto stared at the tortellini in confusion. "This looks just like ravioli but a bit curlier," he said, poking the packet. "Why didn't she just make it easier and ask for fucking ravioli?"
"Fuck knows," Sasuke said, letting the trolley coast to a stop as he stared in the freezer at all the Ben and Jerry's ice creams. Sakura's particular choice was almost sold out, but thankfully there were enough cartons left to amount to the gallon of Pfisch Food she had requested. He deposited them all in Naruto's lap, who immediately whined that they were making his balls cold.
"Oh god, they're shrivelling up!" he moaned loudly as Sasuke directed them to the tills, grabbing a six pack of cider that was on sale along the way. An important looking Tesco's employee wearing a tie was stood at the tills, talking to one of the cashiers with a stern look on his face. This quickly changed to surprise when Naruto and Sasuke crashed into the conveyer belt, making the cashier scream and drop the change she had been putting in the till. The trolley spun around on it's own, throwing Sasuke into a display of tennis balls which immediately disintegrated, containers bursting open and yellow balls rolling all over the place. Meanwhile, Naruto was still shrieking about how cold his balls were and the man with the tie was red in the face with absolute rage.
Sasuke lay amongst the tennis balls, and waved awkwardly as three big bouncers surrounded himself, numerous yellow balls and the blond idiot with the frozen testicles.
"Um, hi?"
Sakura, as they had predicted, was furious. "Not getting the venison, I can forgive," she fumed at the two boys who were sat on their couch, their heads hung in shame. "The ginger is problematic, but I could overlook it. What I cannot exonerate-"
"What?" Naruto interrupted.
"It means forgive," Sasuke muttered.
"-IS YOU NOT GETTING MY ICE CREAM, YOU USELESS, RETARDED, SPOILT IDIOTS!"
"But Sakura!" Naruto protested, looking crestfallen that she was mad at them.
"I don't want to hear it! Go to your room!"
And like they always did, because they valued the ability to reproduce sometime in the future, Naruto and Sasuke obeyed, trudging up to their rooms and clutching their Banned notices in their hands.
8D