A/N: Some of the jokes do not belong to me, I merely took them and put them into a story format, and twisted them a bit. Just so everyone is credited that should be, I wanted to let everyone know that this story was inspired by '103 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort' which is hilarious. Everyone should go read it and credit the author, it can be found at: but first read and review this story first!
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-THE VERY SERIOUS AND DEEP THOUGHTS OF DRACO MALFOY-
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I am going to be a bloody Death Eater.
Personally, I really don't mind; I would just like to think that I have a choice in the matter. Alas, it is not so.
I don't even know what my responsibilities will be once I get the mark. If I act dumb I don't think that they would reduce my workload, they'd probably just kill me. Our Voldie-Poo is not a patient person, you see. I mean, what if I made a petition to change the name 'Death Eater' into something more socially acceptable? For some reason I don't think that would go over all too well.
What is a 'Death Eater', anyway? How can someone actually consume death? I would hate to see what that person's toilet would look like...I can't imagine it would be a comfortable experience to have a bowel movement and dispose of death.
And while we're on the subject of names, what's up with Marvolo? It sounds like bleach or fabric softener. Ah, I can hear the commercial jingle now…
With a spritz of Marvolo,
Get that stain off your Polo!
Er, yeah, well something like that. Or...or it can be like a musky perfume.
With a spritz of Marvolo,
You won't be flying solo!
Although, I don't think that anyone would want to wear a perfume that smells like him…
Hm...what else rhymes with Marvolo? Aolo, bolo, colo, dolo, eolo, folo... Oh, nevermind.I'm getting bored.
Poor guy. It's bad enough his middle name is Marvolo (which I will bet my life on right now is not in the Top 1000 Baby Names book) but I mean, add that with 'Riddle' and forget about it! No wonder why we've never heard any details concerning his romantic life (or lack therof).
It's his grandfather's fault, anyway. His first name was Marvolo. Honestly, I can imagine how that went down.
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Voldie's Great Grandmum: Honey, I like the name Marvolo.
Voldie's Great Granddad: So do I, where did you come up with that?
Voldie's Great Grandmum: I don't know, it just came to me!
Voldie's Great Granddad: Imagine that, it just came to you out of nowhere...but hon, is that even a name?
YEARS LATER.
Voldie's Mum: I'm so glad I'm having a baby!
Voldie's Dad: Whatever, you weird witch.
Voldie's Mum: We should name him Tom after you, Marvolo after his granddad.
Voldie's Dad: Whatever, I don't care. Hmm, did you know that the name Tom Marvolo Riddle is an anagram for an extremely evil sounding Lord?
Voldie's Mum: Well gosh darn it, I didn't! Oh well, it won't matter. I'm sure he won't spend hours on end trying to figure out an evil anagram for his name.
Voldie's Mum and Dad walk away obliviously...
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Wow, it's just mind-boggling when I think about how much crap Moldy Voldy has gone through (seriously though, it doesn't seem like he appreciates good hygiene). Really, all those times Potter just slips right out of his spidery little grasp. One plan after another, over, and over, and over, and every single one fails miserably. You would think that he'd be able to come up with a good plan, one that would actually work, but nope.
When I see him next maybe I should 'wingardium leviosa' a light-bulb to float over his head, and turn it on. Who knows, maybe it will help. I can honestly say I have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
…I should also buy him a stress ball...hmm...
That guy stresses over Dumbledore every bloomin' day. He says that he hates him, but I think that they have a love-hate thing going on. They're like yin and yang, total opposites. Maybe all this animosity between them is really love, like Weasley and that Granger bint. Idiots.
I was startled when I found out that Tommy-Boy is scared of dear old Dumbles. His face is on a chocolate frog card for Salazar's sakes, he should at least have some dignity in choosing the people that he fears.
Like me, for example.
Oh come on, you knew you were thinking it.
I not only top him in the evil wizard department, but I DEFINETELY top him in the looks department. I mean, really – people describe him as having 'snake-like' eyes…that sure is sexy. Honestly, snake eyes? I doubt even I can pull those off.
Hm...I've been thinking...if 'Marvolo' makes a good jingle, then why shouldn't the-man-who-let-the-boy-live have his own superiffic theme song?
Voldie-Poo, Voldie-Poo –
Don't try to harm Potter whatever you do,
It always seems to come back to haunt you,
Either you or Potter will die in the end,
And none of us knows who!
…Okay, so the rhythm is screwed up. But hey, I'm a badass wizard, not an effing poet.
That guy needs to loosen up. I wonder what he would be like if someone got him drunk. He would probably run straight into St. Mungo's, stark naked, screaming, "I love pineapples!" ...I don't actually know if he likes pineapples, butI'll make a mental note to ask.
Ah, well. All in all everyone knows that Voldie-Poo (cue theme music) is off his rocker.
Who knows, maybe all he needs is a hug.
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IMPORTANT: If you want me to write 'The Very Serious and Deep Thoughts of Ron/Hermione/Harry/Ginny/Crabbe', etc, I'll turn this into a ficlet series. Just let me know, okies?