Mother's Diaries
Part VIII
Hitler, Mussolini and a Thumper in between
By Jasmin Kaiba
November 7, 2011
I was desperate. If my mother was alive she would accuse me of a large crime and the only thing I would be able to say in my defense, would be that I was desperate. And now I think about it, I'm coming to conclusion that either I really was more desperate then I wanted to admit or plead temporary insanity and forget about the whole fiasco.
But it went out well. I have to admit, that they knew what they were doing and that it went well.
To tell the story from the beginning I have to go back to that dinner disaster with Finn, well more like after that dinner disaster. After Logan had left that night and I tucked Annie in, I was so angry and so desperate in need of advice or better yet 'help' that I took my phone and dialed Honor's number. Now that in itself is nothing new or bad, Honor and I have frequent contact, we're like best friends or something. The thing is on the phone with her I started to rant and ended up a half-an-hour monologue with, "Honor, I need help."
Honor is kind, a great friend, the best sister-in-law you could wish for and I love and respect her, but she's not the brightest, she's more of an air-head, not in a bad sense.
Well back to the topic at hand, it seemed that I called when Shira was with her and Honor, not knowing what exactly to do asked her mother for help, thus my crime.
Shira had taken the phone from Honor and before I realized it I was spilling my guts to my mother-in-law, not that it generally would have been a bad thing, but my mother dubbed this woman Mussolini for a reason.
Later when I was fully aware of what I had done I was scared of what the possible out-come could be. Now not even Shira is without tact, but the things that woman does, sometimes scare me. Well, she didn't go to Logan and demand, as his mother that he listens to her and takes me back, I admit I half expected her to do that, I thank God she hasn't. She called my grandmother instead. And that Ladies and Gentleman is the woman my mother named Hitler.
What could possibly come out when Mussolini and Hitler decide to work together? Nothing good for poor little Thumper. That's what I thought, but these two women, aided by Honor, who, next to me and his two idiot friends, knows Logan the best, have worked out a truly devil plan.
Mitchum, for the sake of appearances and good mood in his home, does as Shira says, and my Grandma and her planned a family dinner at the Huntzbergers the following Saturday. I didn't know what exactly to think, but before I really got to think about it, it was Saturday morning and Logan was calling to complain about the dinner.
On the one side I was feeling guilty when he said that he doesn't want to go the gates of Hell, on the other I was angry and thinking something along the lines, 'If you hadn't divorced me, I wouldn't have had to turn to your mother, now you can suffer together with me'. Of course I didn't voice these thoughts and comforted him saying that Annie would be there and Josh and most likely the other two kids my Grandma calls grandchildren but only sees seldom, Luke being their father playing a huge role in that. But from time to time she brings my brother and sister to Hartford or comes visit me, and sometimes there's even Luke present for dinner.
I remember the days when Nicky used to go down to Stars Hollow almost every weekend and play with my siblings, he used to love his Nana Lorelai very much, Annie won't remember her, neither her, nor Nicky, they died too early.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever live my life like I used to, and it's hard to think about it. It's hard to drive to Stars Hollow and know that in the house I grew up in my Mom isn't waiting for me with movies and junk food and that when I go to the Dragonfly we won't pester Sookie until she gives in and makes us cookies. In the morning I still sometimes go to Nicky's room to wake him up and the tears aren't stoppable when instead my slumbering beautiful little boy, I find a cold empty bed and a little pajama across the pillow that nobody will wear again.
It's in moments like those when Logan's absence is the strongest and I just wish for it all to end, for it all to be a dream and that I'd wake up beside Logan with Annie and Nicky in their beds and my Mom calling to tell me what Stars Hollow came up with again. Annie is all I have left and while I'm acting strong for her and for Logan's sake, I'm always just a bit away from breaking down completely. Sometimes I forget that others are suffering too, that I'm not alone and when I see Grandma looking at Mom and Grandpa and Nicky's picture and holding tears at bay I want to scream.
When I saw Sookie crying in the kitchen one day and Luke looking at April who was playing with Jamie and Lilly, looking fifty years older and Shira and Mitchum heave a sigh when they see Nicky's picture on the wall or Logan who I know, spends too long in the office and sometimes cries for himself, I know that I had been selfish and blind in my pain.
I can't change that, I can't take it back, but I can make it better, I can make this family work again, and I will. I promise that to my little boy and my little girl.