The Choices We Make
By: ilikedan
Sometimes in the dead of night, Alphonse wonders if they ever had any choice at all.
It was closing in on three am on a blustery Tuesday morning and Alphonse Elric remained awake while his older, if much shorter, brother slept off another grueling day of research. Their fight with Father- not his father, he had to remind himself quickly, just the evil man who wore his father's face and apparently knew him quite well- underneath Central seemed to have stimulated his brother to increase his already manic work pace. Though Alphonse couldn't deny the thrill of excitement and desire that went through him at the thought of returning to his living body, he really wished Ed would take it a little easier, especially with everything that has happened as of late.
Even with all the hours he has to cope with it, Alphonse still couldn't quite accept all that he had learned in that one-sided battle underground: the creator of the homunculi with his hauntingly familiar face, the Xingese girl's alkahestry, Ling being consumed by the homunculus Greed; it had all happened at such with dizzying rapidity that Al can't help but wonder what this will mean for him and his brother. Al wasn't sure he wanted to be involved in whatever craziness was happening in Central, he winced inwardly at his selfishness but it was true. All he wanted to travel with brother and get their bodies back to normal, but now the homunculi and Father were threatening to drag them into something bigger than they could ever imagine.
Al slowly turns his head in the direction of his brother's sleeping form. Edward was all curled up underneath his blankets, his flesh fist hidden under his pillow and his golden hair billowing everywhere making Ed, ironically enough, look like some sort of celestial angel. Edward was turned away from him at the moment, though Al doesn't count on it lasting. Ed was a notoriously troubled sleeper and was constantly tossing and turning in his sleep. Al supposes it's only right, Edward sleeps like he lives, restlessly, full of energy and impatience and a soul deep desire to keep moving. Sure enough, Ed groaned a little and flopped back so that he is once again facing Al. Al's non-existant eyes caught on the shine of Ed's automail glinting in the pale moonlight, refusing to be forgotten even during these few hours of momentary peace.
Al shifts a little, trying his best to be quiet, knowing that if his brother woke now he would insist on doing more research no matter what time it was. But the moonlit automail once again grabbed his attention and drew his thoughts away from the practical and mundane and back toward his earlier, more frightening musings which sometimes came to Al unbidden during these long and lonely nights.
It was here that Alphonse once again wonders if they ever had any choice at all.
Alphonse may not share his brother's innate hatred of the divine, but he was also an alchemist, a scientist, and thus he shouldn't be swayed by the allure of a larger force controlling their actions. Most of the time he didn't, he accepted his actions as his own and continued forward searching for a way to right the mistakes he and his brother had made together. But in the darkness of Central during the early morning hours while he watched Ed get some desperately needed sleep, Al couldn't help but wonder if their choices, their mistakes, had really been theirs at all.
From the time he was born, Alphonse was used to following Edward in everything he did. It was Ed who always choose the game and location they played, always decided when it was snack time or what would be a good present for mom so it really was far out of eight year old Alphonse Elric's character to suggest that they pull down one of dad's old alchemy books. Oh Ed had relented at first, though not as bitter as he would someday become, nine year old Edward disliked anything to do with their missing father. But Al had insisted, begged Edward to grab the book for him and just see once and for all what had intrigued their father so much that he left them because of it.
Eventually Ed did relent and almost immediately did the wonder and science attract him. The armor curled on itself thinking back on such an innocent time, of him and his brother pouring over book after book with surprising intensity. Who would have thought at the time that the ever active, ever mischievous Elric brothers would sit still long enough to read through an alchemy tome that they could only lift with their combined strength? And to sit there for so long that their mother had gone looking for them and had found them just in time to see their first attempt at transmutation?
Or how about all the books on human alchemy that were just above eye level to the curious young alchemists? Al decided to ignore for the moment as to why his father even possessed such a wide variety of books pertaining to human transmutation and the philosopher's stone to wonder on the perfect timing. Ed and Al had been so intent on perfecting their small and unrefined transmutation circles that they hadn't even cracked open those monstrous books until later in the year. And wasn't it a little too coincidental that the boys really started looking into the equations and designs for human transmutation just before their beloved mother fell ill and died?
Al's armor shuddered causing the armor to jostle slightly, a quick glance confirmed that the slight noise had not awakened his brother and for that he was glad. Even teacher's arrival had been so well-timed, the brother's had praised their good fortune that an incredibly skilled alchemy teacher would come to them on a miserable, rainy day not long after they had exhausted all of their father's alchemy books. Hadn't it been Ed who'd commented as they were packing for their training in Dublith that such good luck surely meant that the successful transmutation of their mother was inevitable?
Both brothers in the intervening years since the transmutation have gone over all the signs, all the warnings they ignored before attempting their foolish act, but that was hindsight talking. Really, at the time, hadn't there been just as many signs that they would be successful? That it was destined? Al turned his head to the ceiling to watch the fan slowly spin in circles; fighting down his mounting dread that all they were doing was just trapped on the spinning wheel of fate with no control over their actions. The idea to transmute their mother, however foolish and horrible it was, was their idea, their mistake. but the unnerving number of coincidences suggested that all their actions up to this point had been nothing more than fulfilling some unseen master's will and that above all else bothered Alphonse.
Ed groaned once more in his sleep and the automail arm flopped over the side of the bed and gave a listless click as the metal fingers bounced against the wooden floor. Had Al still been in possession with his body he would've had a cynical smirk on his face. The brothers had never really paid attention to Granny and Winry's profession of choice, it had just been something that had always been there and Al had never spent too much time thinking automail or how it worked. But it sure was wonderful that on the night of their transmutation, when Edward had had two limbs stolen from him by the Gate, that there were two of the best automail mechanics within easy reach ready and willing to heal him and, literally, get him back on his feet again. Don't misunderstand, Al was grateful beyond measure for everything Granny and Winry had done for both of them, but the nagging feeling of entrapment remained at how well everything had worked out.
Even Colonel, er Lieutenant Colonel Mustang's arrival just a few days after the transmutation had been so well-timed that Al wanted to laugh. At the very moment when Ed had given up all hope, when he had resigned himself to a miserable crippled life in a wheelchair spending the rest of his days lamenting his sins did Mustang stomp through the front door and give Ed everything he needed to find his motivation again. The rough reprimand, the affirmation of his alchemic skill and the chance to make it all right had rekindled Edward's dead eyes and given him the purpose his life had needed. Al had even asked once they had gotten to Central why on earth the military had been looking at recruiting the two brothers who were too young by years to be in the military, Mustang's vague, distracted answer- to be fair the man had been in the middle of trying to decipher Ed's first mission report written in Ed's legendary bad handwriting- had been a mistake in the paperwork. If only, Al thought wryly, all paperwork errors resulted in the recruitment of talented new alchemists. If that were true then the Colonel would have enough alchemists under him to form his own army.
Alphonse looked down at his leather gauntlets and played with his nerveless fingers. All the fights they had been in since then, all the accidental run-ins or information gained from an unlikely source; it frightened him, it frightened him to wonder where this seemingly endless ring of coincidences would lead them. Ed took a long dragging breath and a few strands of golden hair flopped onto his face as he shifted a little. Al would've smiled if he could, no matter how crazy his life became, he could always count on Ed to be Ed. Maybe- maybe it didn't matter that strange things just seemed to happen around him, that information and clues came in odd ways. Even if there were some things beyond their control, they were still themselves right? They were still brothers, they still loved one another more than their own lives and they still were willing to work for the rest of their days together to see the other whole again.
As long as they had that, had each other, did it really matter that sometimes their life didn't make sense?
Al didn't have much more time to contemplate the complexities of his life and his destiny when a loud thump pulled him from his thoughts and back to the real world. He was greeted by a very confused, very angry Fullmetal Alchemist lying face first on the floor, furiously trying to untangle himself from the restrictive sheets that had cocooned him from the numerous times he had tossed and turned that night. Al chuckled, let the joke about Ed getting lost in the too big sheets die in the back of his metaphorical throat and jerkily got up to prevent his elder brother from tangling himself further as he tried transmute the sheets away. It was as it had always been and Al said nothing when Ed had carelessly remarked about heading over to the Central library later on to look for some information on alkahestry. The itching feeling returned and he almost thought he could feel a feather light touch brushing them onward, on toward a path that had been years in the making.
Instead he remade his brother's bed and tried to talk him into going back to sleep only to sigh in resignation when Ed pulled out an alchemy book or three to research in the few hours before the sun rose and they could continue their search. As they studied, chatting lighting as another day announced itself through the dirt streaked window; Al wondered where this destiny would take them. Ed yawned and began rummaging through piles of paper for the hairtie he'd misplaced the night before to tie back his hair. Al chuckled and decided maybe a little guidance from above wasn't such a bad thing, maybe with their faith and skills and just a little something else, they could achieve their goals and reach for something bigger than themselves, something that would change the world.
Or so Alphonse Elric thought during those early morning hours when his brother was by his side and they took another step forward into their future.
Ah so... I'm sure those who know me were not expecting to update, especially for Fullmetal, but this had been nagging so I just kind of wrote it. I've been re-reading FMA (god heavens I love this series, I mean I've know that, but once I read it I just re-remind myself how much I adore every single aspect of it) and this idea kind of came to me as I read the section on the events prior to, during and after the fateful transmutation. There is an incredible line of coincidences during that period in time, some more subtle than others that just sort of come together so perfectly. And it's strange to think you know? The transmutation is supposed to be the worst, most horrific scenario ever and yet so much ended up working in their favor that night. I don't know it got me thinking, FMA is so focused on moving on ones own and not trusting others to do your own work, but it appealed to me that despite all this, little nudges brought everyone on the path to the homunculi's defeat not really destiny just sort of nature setting up the means to cleanse the evil and bring about peace. I dunno, I found it interesting, if you did too, you are allowed to review.
Fullmetal Alchemist (c) Hiromu Arakawa