Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters; Seth MacFarlane does. I also don't own Maddie, CJ, Tilly or Zack (Maddie's Dad), cause MalcolmFox holds that honour. I'm simply borrowing these characters to create a story concept I created while stoned. I also don't own any other pop culture references, intentional or otherwise, that pop up in this fanfic.

Be warned: the first two chapters are largely to set the scene for upcoming events so not much happens and it's kind of dull by my own admission.

Maddie's POV

The bell rings for the end of the day. And it couldn't have come sooner. Ten more minutes of Geography would probably have been enough to send me over the edge. Then again, staring at Jason Tucker in front of me is no hardship. I wonder if he'll turn around and see me? Better get that hair out of my eyes. I finally get my books packed up as I wait for Tilly to leave. She's having some big discussion with the teacher, and she's probably right about whatever it is. We use each other to our advantages. Tilly helps me with school, and I help her get guys. Everyone wins.

Thank God. Here she comes.

"So, what was the big discussion?"

"Oh, just about the exact location of coal mines in China. Nothing big." For you, maybe. For those of us who can't even point out one coal mine, it's big.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not stupid, especially compared to my other cousin, CJ. He's 16 and he still can't spell any word with more than three letters. Sometimes I wonder how CJ and Tilly are even related, let alone twins. I'm average. Like my mum and dad. Though Uncle Chris is dumber than a sack of hammers, and he provided the sperm (Apparently) for Tilly.

"So, is Stewie picking us up?"

"I think so. I'm just hoping he's forgotten the bet." Enter Sandman plays from my phone which means only one thing. Stewie.

"Hey Il pick u up da fr0nt. D0nt 4get r bet. NIECE."

Shit. He hasn't forgotten. When my mum and dad had gone out for the night, I'd called Stewie and some of his mates around along with Tilly and CJ. One thing led to another and eventually me and him had gotten into a dance off. Somehow, that little homo won. So now I have to refer to him as "Uncle Stewie" in front of all his nerd crowd, most of who haven't ever been as close to a girl as I'll be getting to them now. It sucks having an uncle who's only a year older than you.

"I'm scared," I confide to Tilly as we head for the front gate.

"Of what? It's just a bet. And even if Stewie gets too annoying, you can kick his arse." Maybe in a fight, but he won't fight me. He'll get some crazy gizmo and vaporise me.

"He doesn't have the guts to do anything to you. Your dad can kick uncle Peter's arse any day." True, but to beat Grandpa Peter all you have to do is hit him in the guts.

Finally we arrive only to find Stewie and his gang of nerds hanging round the front like usual. Stewie came up to me. In fifteen years he'd hardly changed. He was still obsessed with killing Grandma Lois, his head was still football-shaped, he had the same British accent despite the fact he'd never been to England...really the only thing that had changed about him was that he was now taller and openly gay.

"You know how this works. Give me a hug..."

"You're dead tonight you little prick"

"And say "I am a whore. Uncle Stewie is my master and I shall do whatever you boys desire.""

"You're a sick, twisted person."

"I know. Now say it."

I took a deep breath. "I am a whore. Uncle Stewie is my master and I shall do whatever you boys desire." Camera phones everywhere. Damn nerds.

"Take your clothes off!" That's one nerd due for a beating. I'll have to let someone know about that.

"Now boys, don't get carried away. Miss Madeline's sex tape will be on the internet at 7:45pm tonight. Please join me for the premiere at..." he stopped when I punched him on the arm.

"Shut your face."

"Or what?"

"Or I'll tell Dad." He shriveled up. Stewie's scared of my Dad. "Just give us a ride home."

We climbed into Stewie's beat up jeep. While Tilly loves to reprimand him for driving such a gas guzzler with an impending world fuel shortage, it's probably the only vehicle that can survive both his driving (he drives like he's drunk half the time) and his crazy plans. All over the car are scattered blueprints and plans of action. All in the name of world domination. At least he's somewhat grown out of matricide, though between me and Tilly sits a machine designed to decapitate Grandma Lois with a can opener. Boys and their retarded ideas.

"So, where's CJ?"

"Detention as usual."

"What did he do this time?"

"I don't know. Let's just get home."

Eventually Stewie pulled in front of my place, so I got off and left Tilly behind.

"Bye. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, you too. Stay online; I'm gonna need help with our Physics homework." was my parting shot as I headed to the door, for Mom to answer. She's real busy with law school lately, but by next year she'll graduate and be practicing.

"Where's Dad?"

"I don't know, sweetie, he's got a lot of work to do." These days, Dad mostly runs his auto shops from home. The home that we built. After several accidents (including one where Grandpa Peter had a two-by-four in his arse and Mum lit the fountain on fire) almost a year ago to the day we moved into Mum and Dad's dream home. Five bedrooms, a pool, everything you can name...it's like something off MTV Cribs.

"You got a lot of homework?"

"Nah, I reckon I'll just go chill by the pool."

"Remember not to forget about your work. As I've told you enough times..."

"...just because Dad got me pregnant when I was a teenager doesn't mean you should do the same because your Dad is a special case. I get it Mum." How many times have I heard the story I don't even know. Better get to the pool before she goes on.

I went up to my room to change and jump. While Mum says I'm not allowed to jump from my room window into the pool, how's she to know? But first...I see a face in my window! Most girls would have been scared at this sight but not me, cause only one person ever does that. Steve, neighbourhood creep. I love most things about the new house, but Steve is one thing I'd gladly trade for a smaller room or the lack of a pool.

"Steve!" I scream out the window. But it's no use cause he's also a black belt in Aikido, meaning he can kick my arse. Plus, his dad's the local bank manager which means if I piss him off too much, Dad's in trouble. The world sucks...time to forget about it with a nice cold drink by the pool. Who knows, maybe Jason may walk by on his way home. Maybe he'll notice my new bikini or the fact I've started working out more. Maybe. All I know right now is that life is good and there's no need to change it.