How can you? - A Juudai monologue
I don't understand it. I don't know how to fell now... I can not distinguish them, your feelings and mine. Then as of now I am not the one any more, which I was once and I will never be able to be it again either. Because you and I, as of now, are one.
Up till now I had been a very carefree boy and I simply could live into the day, I could face the numeruous challenges which had been offered on the duel academy. I found many friends there, like Syrus, which had become something nlike my little brother by now. I lived quite contentedly in our house in Slifer Red. I laughed much and made jokes with pleasure and loved the carefree days which I could spend with my friends. But what does have happened now ?? Why does my heart feel so heavy? Is this what you had warned me of??
Yubel, perhaps you were right and it is my destiny to learn to control this darkness within my heart to fulfill a destiny for which I had been born already in an earlier life. But why now? And why I must always drag my friends into it, innocent people who have nothing to do with my destiny ?? I don't wanna experience once again what I experienced in the dimension you have brought us to, Yubel. I don't want to experience, that once again my friends are injured only because they fight for me.
Darkness ... and I shall be the one which has it inside my soul...
Yubel, what have you done? I don't understand it, your infinite love for me ... I have always wondered where you do take them from, those deep feelings for me. You know, it has stirred me to tears, your dedication which has only been for me, for so many millennia. And even when I have sent you away, you still loved me and wanted to do everything to just return to me. Though there are things that you simply weren't allowed to do like you have done them. Perhaps I then would have understood faster what you feel - but so, we turned round in a circle, in a horrible dance. At least the end was good for both of us. Because now we are one, I hear your voice in me and feel you quite exactly in my soul. You somehow give me safety with your strength.To know that I am not alone wherever I stand or go.. It is on the one hand beautifully and calming to know, but on the other hand also deterring and frightening ...
When I look back at the times in which you have been with me, and there have been many, then it mostly were happy times, because you have enriched my young life like no one before. I was only a little boy, as I got you as birthday present from my father and I was immediately fascinated by you. You were the one who has introduced me to the world of the dueal spirits, for you have been the first one I have ever seen. I still know how it was like when you had appeared suddenly in front of me when I held your card in my hands after I had unpacked it from the gift-wrapping paper and my parents went out of my room. You suddenly appeared, a tall slim spirit, a soul with bichromatic hair, bichromatic eyes and gigantic wings. Your eyes glittered with joy and your mouth surrounded a gentle smile as if your greatest dream had come true. "Yubel.." I heard me whisper, "But... but.. you are a card, so how... how can you??" You gave me a smile and whispered:" You really can see me? Haou, you can really see me??" "Haou? Who is Haou?" "I am sorry. I only thought... what's your name?" At our first meetihng it already dawned in you that I cannot be the one which you have hoped to see again. I was no more Haou, I was Juudai. But, on the contrary, this did no demolition your happiness. A disappointment blazed about your face, just to disappaer quickly to make place for the happiness. I introduced myself to you. "I am Juudai! And you are Yubel, am I right?" "Yes", you said, and suddenly tears of joy ran over your face. "Yubel, what is with you ?? Why you are sad??" "I am not sad anyway ... I am so happy to meet you ... " I tried to put my arms around you, they, however, went through you but you nevertheless understood my gesture and smiled still a little bit more. "Do we want to be friends?" I offered you and you gratefully accepted.
Everything was different for me in the near future as before ... if I remember back the times as a little boy, then I see a lonesome and sad boy. I had friends but I very often stayed behind all alone at home, whenever my parents went on any journeys. Before I have gotten to know you, I have suffered even more under that loneliness, but now that I had you I felt much better, because your bare presence made everything more tolerable somehow. I didn't know why, but it seemed to me as if I would already eternally know you. Your features seemed familiar to me just like your laughter and your smile. Could it be ?? Have I already seen you someplace before? Could i have been possible to meet you somewhere before, even though it cannot be because you are a bare soul and I couldn't have met you on the street? But ... I was a little boy at that time, I hadn't thought about it that much, I have to admit, not so much as now. It ought to have occured to me at once ... but it isn't that natural, Yubel, to remember an earlier life. I, even today, know only a little bit about the Haou you have seen in me from the very beginning. I only know what you tell me about him when your words echo in my soul.
"hey, Yubel.. look at that, isn't it a strong card ??" I enthusiastically showed you my playing cards and my current deck, at all events it was up-to-date at that time. You curiously see through the deck and smiled as you say: "Yes, these are indeed good cards" "Jah,right? But you are the best Yubel!" You blushed at this compliment.
"Juudai, don't you think it is a little too late to still read comic books?", I heard you saying as I, with the flashlight under the blanket read comicbooks - preferably about any heroes, as similar as Spiderman or Batman or so. You giggled quietly when you saw me reading like that, with my childlike enthusiasm for heroes. I pleaded "please only another couple of minutes!" You, however, hugged me, stroked gently through my hair and said to this: "Juudai, little heroes have to go to sleep, too, otherwise they cannot accomplish any heroic deeds the next day. You understand?" I nodded. "Yes Yubel. Well, I do what you say. Good night Yubel!" And you gave me a good night kiss on the cheek "Good night, my little boy " "Sleep well" I still felt your embrace and your warmth for a whole while until I finally fell asleep. I felt so safe with you as if nothing would happen to me. Because you were with me. Yes, you are it again, too.
And that only were two of many happy moments we shared with each other. We really stayed together all the time, but then... then I left you...
How it came to that ?? You were always so nice and so kind to me, you have done everything to make me happy and keep the worries away for me. If I was sad, you comforted me, if I needed advice you gave them to me.But I became nevertheless afraid of you, as I started to see a side of you that i haven't known before. Your brutal side. Why did you do something like that to me? Had it been my fault, that you had changed so or had it been another reason? You let my only friends suffer and I therefore remained quite alone with you. What had changed? Did you want to protect me from them as well, even though they never meant to do any harm to me?
I understand now that you had the idea that you wanted to protect me from absolutely everything because you were afraid that you could fail just like once ... because you were my protector in our earlier life together and when I died and let back you alone I couldn't return to you and tell you, assure you that all this hadn't been your fault. You have never understood it ... you have blamed yourself alone for everything. You have made yourself believe that I had died only because of you, only because you were careless just for a single moment. But the light of destruction knows his ways, Yubel ... and sometimes destiny hits out pitilessly without a possibility for us to change anything about it. In this case we ourselves are not to blame yet. Only the destiny which has changed many lifes forever then is to blame.
And if I can tell this to you only now ... and if it cannot change our past either ... even if it is too late ... so I tell it to you nevertheless: You never were to blame for my death at that time. And if you wouldnh't have loaded all fault on you so willingly, and would not have made these self reproaches to you, we would perhaps really stayed together and then you would have seen me growing up. But I have cheated you out ouf this experience. Only as you came back, after these ten years in exile in space, only then i recognized how cruel I have been to you when I sent you away from me.
It was difficult for me to separate from you. But I wanted to help you ... I was a little boy, do you understand? I thought that you would get the strength of justice if you would see the same place as Neos! I had hoped that also you then could attain the strength of the heroes. Simply unfortunately, I was wrong and instead of fetching you to me somehow again, I forgot you.
I don't want to talk away my fault or clothe it into beautiful words.I have made you into what you are. I have deceived your love for me because I didn't want to understand because I couldn't do it although I had had to. Into this I have made myself guilty.
I looked up to the rocket and swallowed heavily at the thought to send you away for a long time. I hoped to see you soon again, to have you with me again soon and I promised in thought that it would be ready one day. I wanted to be accompanied by you, I didn't want to send you away actually. But I must, I really had to help you somehow something better not occurred to me. Ha, how naive I was at that time...Something in me yelled out when you disappeared and went on this long journey in space.
And the darkness in which I lived as a little boy appeared again, this time, I had, however, to overcome the solitude alone without your help. "Yubel... Yubel... where are you?? I need you! I wish you would be ... with me " So I yelled within me in the first lonesome nights without you, without your embraces, without your good night kisses, without your laughter, without your warmth. The undertow of forgetting, however, then hit out and I got used to a life without you. The talk over me stopped already soon and I got my lost friends back. So I simply lived my life the next years until I decided that I wanted to make my greatest wish true and become a genuine Duelist, I arrived on the duel academy. And I experienced the most beautiful time of my life there. Of course not without the one or other difficulty but I had found there new close friends and these adventures were anyway exactly what a hero needs, right? I got rid of all hurdles which faced me on the way and I already looked forward to the third school year ... except for once these strange things happened. I learned to know you as an eye which stared at me out of the darkness and called after me hungrily, told me that I shall remember finally again and that it wants to play with me. And then ... when you appeared in your whole body and told me our story I realized, that you were right. I had forgotten everything, replaced it. We had actually been inseparable, but ... everything was so long ago anyway. I couldn't, honestly said, suppress a feeling of hate when I saw you and I wanted to let expiate you for what you had done to my friends. But your deeds should get even worse later. I saw you disappearing together with Johan to the trifle. We came back alone into our dimension and I couldn't dispel the thought that it was my fault that I had drawn Johan into this thing.
You let me suffer and I fell in a deep darkness from which I alone couldn't come out any more. Why the darkness pulling up had such a weird strength on me ? I was as deadened and I didn't know what I have done any more. Or what my bad side did because he let many innocent residents of this other dimension go by infinite pains and even described me as the dark king. I let my own friends disappear to the trifle. Even Jim had to sacrifice himself to save me and together with O'Brien he was capable of saving me from the darkness and the anesthetization. But it was as if I have woken up from a nightmare. I could not bear the renewed fault into which I have become entangled for a second and I had no other choice but to do it. What also may come, I had to fix everything again and to show repentance ... the best way would be challening you and win the fight against you.
How shocked I have been when I saw what you have done to Johan. You have planned all this from the beginning, you dropped me into the darkness, deliberately you have taken my friends and me to this dimension and I wondered what exactly you have aimed for. And as if you had known how important Johan is to me, you have simply torn him to you and used his body for your purposes. I thought I would never see him again. I thought he would have been lost. But to see him like that, under your control, it was a terrible sight. And a wave of the hate came over me and let me turn blind with anger. I wanted to pay you back for everything, all our suffering, I wanted to avenge all these victims, because that would have been my penitence for them, to fight the one who has planned everything. You. Therefore I asked you for a last fight, in which we could settle everything between us and in which I could make clear to you, that I don't want you.
You know, I simply didn't want to understand you ... at the moment, I simply didn't want to see that you wanted to let me atone for everything that I have done to you in the first place when I banished you into your exile. I wanted not to recognize, not see your despair, that all this was only a desperate act to have me with you again, just like once. I didn't want to see your infinite love for me. But how should I, if you had dulled my look this way ? How should I be able to take hold of another clear thought and to put myself into you? So you have put only the basis to let you go by still more pains then needed. Are you so masochistic, did it really had to be like this?
And in our fight I noticed how you have enjoyed it very much. Whenever I attacked you successfully and damaged you, you couldn't suppress a passionate smile let alone a quiet enjoying on-groan. As if you would wait only eagerly for it when I injure you the next time. You, however, loved at the same time when I suffered damage through you, it fulfilled your look with so insane joy, the joy in destruction. I didn't understand it, your idea of love and honestly said, it even disgusted me. You believed that we only could show ourselves our love if we harm and hurt each other. So you also considered your whole intrigue as a love proof to me just like also all my attacks on you during our fight. You didn't want to see that I really meant it seriously when I said I hate you. You thought my hate is my love for you. You have internalized the principle of the love-hate relationship in you, I didn't know you that way and I was surprised whether you have acquired this moral concept in your exile. Actually, in this case, I felt even a little bit sorry for you , and even though just for a few seconds, so I really had sympathy for you, but it quickly disappeared, covered by my desire again to take revenge for everything.
And then I saw your tears. Why do you suddenly cry, Yubel ??
And a dark dense fog put itself around me and steered my view away from you suddenly. When I opened my closed eyes again, I saw a sky at sundown with a big castle under me. I floated in the air and could recognize a boy with dark-turquoise hair who even looks a little bit similiar to Johan. A man stood besides him with a royal dignity, wearing a crown on the head. The boy attentively listens to this king and it results from this conversation that this boy is in fact you, before your transformation.Then and now you were called Yubel, even if your looks changed alot and bitter experiences in your life often taught you something better.
The king tells something about a darkness which must absolutely be protected from the light of destruction. I immediately felt reminded at these words to the occurrence with the society of the light all the more I listened attentively - to then learn that this Yubel of that time has a friend who carries this darkness in himself and which must be protected absolutely. A vague presentiment lets me shudder because I suspect somehow who this friend could be. And I shudder even more when I see like you accept the neccesary transformation into the sad dragon without hesitating. The expression in your eyes as you said these words ...
And then the scene changes and I see your operation. It is so terrible, your cries drill so through me that I cannot look. My attention is woken when light suddenly is pressing into the hall and a boy has opened the door. And when I see who this boy is, my vague fears of before come true: This boy in the door with a shocked look on his face, this is myself. The similarity is so big, it cannot be different at all. I curiously float in front of the boy as he passes through me. When he does this, it runs me hotly and coldly down the back. Because suddenly in front of my inner eye, I see memories of an earlier life, memories that i didn't know I have them at all. I see pictures of you, Yubel, as this boy, I hold you in my arms and stroke gently over your face. I see us kissing. But I not only see these pictures, I also feel the feelings of that time again, too. I feel love within me when I see the scene change again and I see us both at a cliff by the sea. You can be seen in your present shape as a dragon Yubel this time. Because you are so tall, you have sat down and we stick our hands together. I look dejected as if I would struggle for composure and my voice also sounds the same when i asked you why you have changed for me.
"I have done it for you. Don't worry Haou, it is alright, I wanted it so. I am your protector of now, I always will be with you until you have turned from a boy to an adult. " I see you trembling when you said these words as if you would wait for certain words of me longingly, Yubel. And how you had expected it so they also came.
"I love you Yubel ... I will love you eternally. No matter what the others say, my love will always belong to you .." And we kiss each other passionately in the midst of this sundown.
I knew quite exactly what came after that. We were together only for a short time, had our love of each other only for a short time because I then have died and you couldn't fulfill your life's work. Everything what I haven't understood as a child, I understood it suddenly and everything got clear to me. Why you have called me "Haou" at our first meeting. Why you blamed yourself for my death. Why you have so keenly and obstinately tried to protect me from any damage. And I also understood your love for me. You had had to wait for my rebirth so long ... and you never have forgotten me. You have really given your heart to me for all eternities. And I ungrateful idiot had banished you to space? I cannot find any words what I would have felt if I would have been in your place. How unjustly treated I would feel. How I would develop a love-hate relationship, incapable to really hate the one for whom I have waited for so long and for whom I have given up everything.
And when the fog disappaered again, I knew what to do now.. I was to blame for everything. I knew, that I had made you into what you are,but I hadn't suspected that my influence was so big. I have tormented your soul ... more than you could ever torment mine.
Now there should be putten an end to this, Yubel. Do you really want to continue and torment yourself any longer? Please stop, aren't two lives full of pains enough for you? Aren't ten years in space enough? Is it really not enough??
The insanity is written into the face when you activate "Chain material" to then destroy all worlds so that my love shall belong to you for all eternities. Dazzling yellow light surrounds you and your insanity masters you so that all your little veins emerge in your face. So, so much you want me that you also take the risk to harm yourself? So much that you want to make a judgement on all worlds and thousands of creatures, a judgement you are not allowed to give?
"Yes. You are right, my love will belong to you for all times . " Your face distorted before insanity gives way to that one of the surprise as if you had expected these words from my mouth at the least of all. But it's true, now that I know why you have acted so, I am capable to forgive you. Let us forgive each other to settle our fault. We can do this together, together, only with the other one. One of us alone always will have to suffer, alone we will never be able to heal the wounds which we have caused each other in our hearts like in our souls. Not the time will help to heal the wounds just as a malignant tumor makes progress with the time, thoughts filled with hatred and bitter thoughts will obtain place in the soul until all goodness is driven out and so long until the death of the soul has occurred definitely. And I don't want that your soul dies this cruel death. No more you shall suffer from me or because you are not with me. Instead of uniting all these worlds to an only one over which we both then can dominate, wouldn't it be better if you may be the mistress over the empire of my soul?
"Yubel ... I understand for you and I forgive you ... I have recognized now what you feel for me because I remember everything again. Your greatest wish has come true, right? How long have you waited that I remember you again finally ? Yubel ... don't you see what you do to yourself? Don't you see how much you torment yourself? You don't have to suffer !! See, I am with you again... I am with you..."
You look at me still more astonishedly when the effect of my trap card allows me to finish the duel according to my wills. Have you wondered what is coming now? I cannot hold back the "super polymerization" any more however if we have to fuse something together - so let this be our souls!
"Ju ... Juudai ?? My soul, it shall... become one with you??"
I see you crying, it, however, this time is not out of despair but one out of joy. Perhaps also from happiness, because you cannot believe that I want to be accompanied by you. Because you cannot believe that as of now we both can be never seperated again from each other. Because you are happy that I have given a sacrifice of my love to you, just as you have done that for me in an earlier life.
And I fly into your arms to give you something of my warmth. It feels strange, the fusion of our souls. As if I would lose but also win something simultaneously. I feel like I leave my body as if I would die and I cannot suppress a loud cry. I then feel nothing at all any more. The darkness of my soul envelops me, however, it is no empty darkness but a warm and trusting one. I see you appearing next to me and closing me tightly into your arms.
"Juudai ... as of now we are one... and how much that means to me, I cannot describe that to you with words... I always wanted it, so it was ... the dream of my life. Not only this life, but also in the one before. I thought you would never remember me again ... I thought I would have lost you for ever. And we shall be together now forever ?? You cannot believe how happy this makes me ... Juudai ... I thank you for your love to me ..."
And you push my body still more tightly to you, submit down to me and give me a long, passionate kiss. I reply to it with the same violence deadened by the feeling of my love for you, a feeling which so suddenly came over me, that I got almost dizzy already. I nevertheless enjoyed it ... and I must admit, I was so happy that everything turned out so well between us. We have done our duty. We can finally concentrate on healing our wounds together now.
Yubel, we belong together. We complete each other and help each other. I still don't really understand destiny and it always has beaten funny ways in the lives of so many people. Perhaps it is our destiny to be together, perhaps we are the chosen ones, perhaps we have been created for each other. I don't know and I cannot answer this question because only the destiny itself knows the answer to it and it isn't ready to inform us about this answer. But is it so important to know an answer to this question, then? Perhaps we are mistaken and we aren't meant for each other but is it really important in the case? No. For what has happened no one can undo. And our union belongs to the things which no power of the world can undo. And... I wouldn't want it either.
And I see you smiling when I behave silly again and you let a small, nice meant comment off on this. You are, since we have gotten one, so much more quiet, just like I have known you as a little boy already. So happy. So balanced.
And when I lie on the ground in front of an unconquerable opponent, when I believe that I am all alone in this world and that I fight only for me alone, then you appear and remind me that I am not alone and that I have a soul in myself who believes in me, my strenght with all her heart. Your gentle loving words as you remind me, they let me get up and fight on again.
Yubel ... so our journey of suffering ended and we began a new life. Together.
And as strange as it is to have two souls in my body which I can call mine... so I don't regret it, our union. So I don't deny any longer what had happened and maybe it had to happen the way it did.
Yubel ... you will accompany me forever now.
And together we go into the darkness, my new home of which I am not afraid of any more with you at my side.