I haven't got the foggiest idea of when this episode originally aired, but for the sake of the story, pretend it aired in April, okay?
Gibbs gave her a look. "I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo," he warned.
"You wouldn't," Abby said confidently. Gibbs gave a little jerk of his head, a nod. "...you would?" she said, eyes widening.
He gave her another, significant look. "It won't be on the head," he said, deadpan.
She wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. Because she felt like it, she decided not.
Abby raised her camera and took a couple of pictures of Gibbs, up close and personal. He was trying to look threatening, but he could never pull that off with her. She could already see the corner of his eyes crinkling; he was trying not to smile.
"Uh...am I interrupting something?" Surprised, Abby looked over Gibb's shoulder to where Tony stood, his eyes wide. His voice had been a little high, too. Gibbs, of course, didn't even twitch.
"Whaddaya think, DiNozzo?" he asked without turning to face his senior agent. Abby watched Tony's adam's apple bob as he swallowed. She could see the little smirk Gibbs was trying to hide.
"Uh..." Tony's eyes went from Gibbs' back to Abby's wide-eyed face a few times. His expression was distinctly awkward. "Uh, sorry Boss. I mean, uh...I'll be back later." He fled.
Abby gave Gibbs a look. "Now you've got his brain going 100 miles an hour," she chided. "You should have seen his face, Gibbs!" Gibbs finally allowed that smirk to show, unimpeded.
"Serves him right for eavesdropping," Gibbs said, unrepentant. "Find me something I can work with, will ya?"
"I'm on it, sir!" she said, saluting.
He shook his head and started off in the same direction as DiNozzo. "Wrong hand, Abs."
She was back in the lab, analyzing fibers under the microscope, when Tony came back.
"Hey Abby, I completely forgot about this earlier, but I have—"
She whirled around on her heel. "Oooh, presents! Thanks!" She took the manila envelope he offered and gave him a hug. "This is evidence for this case, right? You're not putting a new one on me, are you?"
Tony shook his head. "Same case," he said. She grinned.
"Good," she said. She turned back to her microscope. "I'm finally getting somewhere, you know?"
Tony didn't answer, and she assumed he'd left to go back to whatever he'd been doing before. So when she reached for her Caf-Pow, she didn't expect to see Tony still standing there.
"Oh! You're still here! I thought you'd left."
"Sorry," Tony said. "I was thinking. Uh, I'll go."
She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Is everything okay, Tony? You need something? 'Cause I've got half a Caf-Pow right here, and you know my couch is always open if you need, like, a nap or something. You look a little sick. Are you coming down with something?" She put her hand on his forehead. "Huh. You don't feel warm."
"I'm fine, Abs," he said. "Better go back upstairs."
Again, Abby stopped him. She tilted her head. "What's on your mind? Tell Auntie Abby all about it."
Now Tony looked uncomfortable. "Uh, that's okay."
"Tony!" she whined. "Now you've got my curiosity going. C'mon. Tell me," she wheedled.
Tony made a little noise in the back of his throat. "Fine. I'll bite. Earlier, in the garage...I was looking for you, and I kind of overheard you and Gibbs...well..." Tony gave her a desperate look; she cocked her head to the side and pretended she had no idea what he was talking about. It was kind of fun, watching the usually self-assured man stumble around like this. "Gibbs said, uh...I mean, I heard...Gibbs wasn't...uh, you know...he wouldn't really..."
Abby snorted. "Spank me?" It figured that Tony would spend the entire afternoon thinking about that.
Tony shuffled his feet. "Well, uh...yeah." He didn't quite meet her eyes. "He wouldn't do that to you, would he? I mean I know you're practically his daughter but still—"
"Whaddaya think, DiNozzo?" Gibbs voice came from the entryway to the lab. Abby and Tony both jumped.
"—not that it's any of my business, or even that I care," Tony said quickly. "Uh, sorry Boss, didn't see you there. Better get going," Tony said, turning away from Abby and trying to slip unobtrusively past Gibbs and out the door. Gibbs collared him.
"Asked you a question," Gibbs said. "And where do you think you're going?"
"Um...back to work?" Tony gave his most charming smile. Gibbs just shook his head. "Or not. You know, I aim to please."
Gibbs herded Tony back into the lab. "They ever tell you curiosity killed the cat?" he asked.
"Cats have nine lives, Boss," Tony replied. The glance he shot over his shoulder at Abby was comical, athough she didn't think it was meant to be. He was definitely uncomfortable that Gibbs had overheard this particular conversation.
Gibbs nodded. He looked at Abby and raised his eyebrows. "So, Abs?" he asked.
"Yes, Bossman?" She couldn't help but enjoy Tony's discomfort just a little.
"You think I'd make good on my threat?" His face was stern, but Abby knew better. She decided, however, to play along.
"Yes sir!" she said, chipper. "Although, I'm not planning on finding out. I'm not DiNozzo, after all, as you pointed out earlier."
"What does that mean?" Tony said, turning to face Abby "He'd never do that to me!"
Abby nearly saw the light click above Gibbs' head; he was going to take advantage of Tony's runaway mouth. Abby ducked her head so Tony wouldn't see the grin she was trying to hide.
"I'd never do what to you?" Gibbs asked, as if he had no idea. At the same time, he took a few steps until he was standing only a few feet from Tony. Abby inched to the side, wanting to see what was happening. She watched them as one watches a tennis match, her eyes going back and forth. A slight pink flush made its way up Tony's neck, coloring his olive skin.
"Uh, you know. What you threatened to do to Abby today in the garage. Not that I meant to hear that, by the way, but you were talking kind of loud and I just stumbled in there looking for her—"
"What I threatened to do to Abby in the garage? What exactly was that, DiNozzo?" Gibbs queried. Abby could tell he was having fun teasing Tony, even though he looked dead serious.
"Um, well, it sounded to me like you...I mean, I guess I could be wrong...I just...uh, never mind—"
"Spit it out already," Gibbs ordered. "You sound like Palmer, for God's sake."
"It sounded like you threatened to spank her," Tony said. His face had deepened several shades in color now; she would call it fuchsia, perhaps bordering on scarlet. "But maybe I missed something, because that's ridiculous, right? That's gotta be against company policy—"
"Have you ever known me to give a hang about policy, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked. Tony's eyes popped wide for a second before he got his reactions under control. Abby took a long sip of her Caf-Pow, enjoying the show.
"Uh, can't say that I have, Boss," Tony replied. "But really, that's not fair to Abby." He sounded uncomfortable, but adamant. Abby was touched that Tony was concerned; he was a good guy to have in your corner. "You can't do that to her if you headslap the rest of the team—"
"You don't think I could spank you, DiNozzo?" Gibbs interrupted conversationally. "I wouldn't worry so much about Abby. After all, I did say that I didn't want to start smacking her like I do you." Abby really had to fight not to grin now; Tony had glanced over at her, and he couldn't have looked more shocked if Gibbs had told him he was a fairy godmother.
"You wouldn't—Uh, that is...I would never say you couldn't do something, because, well, you know, you're a Marine and you can do pretty much whatever you want, but I would guess that you probably, uh, wouldn't."
"I probably wouldn't, huh?" Gibbs' eyes met Abby's for just a second. Tony was busy searching Gibbs' face, trying to see if he was kidding, and so she let the smile she'd been fighting finally show. "You'd bet on that, would you?" he asked, his eyes going back to Tony's.
"Uh, I'm not really the betting kind," Tony replied. He sounded a little uneasy now. "I know better than to bet against someone who can rig the game."
"Accusing me of cheating, now?" Gibbs asked mildly. Tony's face abruptly paled.
"No Boss," he said. He sounded much too serious for Abby's tastes.
Abby figured he'd been tortured enough. Gibbs, enough, she signed. You're going to give him a heart attack.
Almost done, Gibbs signed back surreptitiously with his hands down at his side.
"C'mere, Tony," he said.
There was a definite moment of hesitation before Tony stepped forward.
"Yeah, Boss?" he said. Gibbs grabbed Abby's stool with one hand and plunked it down. Tony's eyes were like saucers.
"Hands on the stool," he said.
Abby watched, barely breathing. She thought this had been an elaborate joke; he wasn't really going to spank Tony, was he? Tony hadn't even done anything. What are you doing? she signed. Gibbs didn't answer.
She saw Tony hesitate again. He looked at Gibbs, who raised an eyebrow. "Gonna take all day, DiNozzo?" he asked. "Disobey a direct order?"
"No Boss," Tony replied. He bent forward and put his palms onto the stool. His fingers curled over the edges. He was hanging on pretty tightly, Abby noted.
"Gibbs..." she protested out loud this time so he couldn't pretend he didn't see her. This had definitely gone far enough in her book. Shouldn't he have a safeword, at least?
"Abby..." Gibbs warned. Don't worry, his hands spelled out silently.
Abby signed back, You're scaring him!
A ghost of a smile was on his lips, and he shook his head. He put his hand on Tony's shoulder. She saw Tony tense.
Whack! Tony flinched, and so did Abby. He straightened up, and his hand went back and rubbed at his head, where Gibbs' palm had connected pretty solidly. "Ow..."
"You forget the date, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked him.
"The date? I don't have a date," Tony said. Gibbs rolled his eyes and smacked him upside the head again, although not as hard.
"April 1st," Gibbs reminded him. "Ring any bells, trained investigator and senior field agent?"
"April Fools'," Tony realized. He glanced over at Abby, who wasn't bothering to hide her laughter now that she figured out Gibbs' plan. He'd done good; he'd gotten them both. Tony more, of course...
"April Fools'," Gibbs replied. A true grin crossed his features. "Now, both of you, get back to work. And for the love of God, DiNozzo, find something better than superglue on McGee's keyboard this year."
"On it, boss," Tony said with a grin as he headed out of the lab.
Abby laughed.
"Don't enjoy it too much, Abs," Gibbs said, kissing her on the cheek and heading back towards the door. "I might have been joking with DiNozzo, but are you sure I wasn't serious with you?" She heard the ding of the elevator.
She looked over at Bert, who was perched next to her computer monitor. "He wasn't serious, was he Bert?" she asked. "He wouldn't spank me, not really, right?"
She would have sworn she saw the hippo shrug.