Disclaimer I don't own anything. Just the big mouth that got me wrapped into writing this little O/S.
AN: This is a very, very tame, but silly little OS, that came about after Born on Halloween posted a link on FB about different names for slang names for using a condom.
Thank you to Joey aka Witchyvampiregirl for Pre-reading this sucker and to SexyLexiCullen for her beta magic.
"If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye."
Emmett had been at it all day long. When I'd mentioned that I was nervous because Bella and I were finally going to lose or virginities together, he started with the one-liners. The first one was "Cover your stump before you hump," which was said as soon as my plans flew out of my mouth.
I should've known better than to tell him of our big plans. He might be my older brother, but he has the maturity of a twelve year old.
There have been so many I'd never heard before; I wondered where he got them all. As I was trying to get ready for our big, romantic, and special day, Emmett would find excuses to enter my bedroom, or linger in the doorway to make comments.
When I was getting my clothes ready, he passed by saying, "Don't be a wacker, wrap your cracker."
Then, as I showered, he came in with the excuse of using my hair gel and yelled over the shower door, "Don't be silly, wrap your willy!"
After I was dressed, I started getting things ready for the picnic I was planning for Bella and me, he walked into the kitchen mumbling, "You can't go wrong if you shield your dong."
After that, he purposely came looking for me in my room saying, "If you slip between her thighs, condomize."
By that point, I was ready to deck him, but, apparently, he wasn't through torturing me.
As I worked hard to ignore him and relax, he sat next to me on the couch and spouted three more of those stupid saying. The first was "Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker."
Second, "Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound," and that one had me balling my hands into fists.
The last one, I hate to admit, made me laugh, "Cage the snake, then shake and bake."
Luckily, after that, he left me alone for a few hours.
I think I called victory way too soon. When he finally returned, he wasn't alone. Not only was he with his girlfriend, Rosalie, but my best friend and Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, was with them as well.
Once they were settled in the living room—while we all waited for Bella to arrive, and thanks to Emmett's big mouth—they all began to spew more of those saying.
"Cape your throbber before you bob her." Alice surprised me with that one.
Rosalie was next, "Shield her for the hunt before you shoot her in the cunt." That was her crass addition.
"Don't surprise her, plug your Geyser." Jasper contributed.
"If you can't shield your rocket, keep it in your pocket." The sinister look on Emmett's face told me there would be many more to come.
Resigned to my fate, I figured, if I can't beat them, I might as well join them. I supplied a few of my own, "She won't bristle if you cover your whistle."
"Woohoo! Little brother, congrats on joining us," Emmett cheered.
With a sigh and a shrug, I just laughed.
We spent the next hour just throwing a few more sayings back and forth. When Emmett finally revealed where he'd learned some of the sayings, I grabbed my laptop to pull up the site. When Bella arrived, we were all in hysterics reading the witty quips.
"What's so funny?" she asked, leaning in for a kiss.
"Uh...um...nothing." I tried closing the webpage before she saw it, but I wasn't successful.
"Do you know any slang for using a condom?" Bella raised an eyebrow, and I suddenly wanted to hide my blushing face.
"Bells, you have to read some of these. They will make you crack up!" Alice redirected Bella's attention—away from me—for which I was grateful.
Hopefully, I hadn't screwed up too badly where I wouldn't get lucky tonight.
Bella took the laptop from me and read the list. I worked hard to contain my guffaw's as she snickered at some. Other times, her face showed her displeasure. I knew that face had to be for the more crude ones.
Once she was done reading, she handed me back the laptop, and asked me if I was ready to leave. More than ready, I escorted her first to the kitchen to get the basket with our lunch, and then out to my car.
When we arrived at the meadow, we set up the blanket and quietly ate our sandwiches. I'd also packed us some fruits, so I could feed them to her.
What started as innocent . . . quickly became heated when she held a grape between her teeth for me.
I was grateful for the warm summer air as we began to shed our clothes.
"I love you, baby," I whispered into her ear, just before I kissed that sweet spot behind it.
"I love you, too," she moaned.
The only thing between us—by that point—was the thin material of our underwear.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
"Yes, Edward."
With that statement, I removed the last pieces of cotton, leaving her beautiful naked body underneath me.
"But, Edward, Contain the head cheese or I won't spread these," she said, shaking her sexy legs.
THE END.
AN: This is going to stay as an OS, will NOT ever be continued.
For those of you who would like to see the full list here are the two different sites that were used to get the slang terms... www . answerbag q_view / 486338 (which is the link that started it all) and kaikay12 . tripod id17 . html (that continued the list). Remember to remove all the spaces if you want to see more.