Authors Note: I know this song doesn't *exactly* fit into the context of this story, but some how it seems appropriate. I hope you'll see that, too. Smoke Rings in the Dark was written by Gary Allan and is the title track of his third CD. I highly recommend it.
Smoke Rings in the Dark
By Carrie Fawkes
Well I won't make you tell me
What I've come to understand
You're a certain kind of woman
I'm a different kind of man
I've tried to make you love me
You've tried to find a spark
Of the flame that burned but somehow turned to
Smoke rings in the dark
The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
'Cause it burns as slow as whiskey
Through an empty, aching soul
And the night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowing smoke rings in the dark
(Chorus)
I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone
And all I'm taking with me
Are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark
The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not gonna wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark
(REPEAT CHORUS)
I had the dream, again, last night.
This time we were walking barefoot on the beach at Tybee Island. It was nighttime, the lighthouse would sweep it's warning light over us every few seconds. I'd catch glimpses of her in that light. The yellow daisies in her hair. Her eyes, the exact same color as mine. The yellow checked dress swirling around her calves. Her bare feet, toenails painted a pale pink. Her necklace with the four interlocking hearts. Just glimpses, nothing complete.
I asked her a question that had been nagging at me for a long time.
"Are you mad at me, Mom? Do I disappoint you?"
She gave me a puzzled look, noticeable only because I saw the little crease between her eyebrows. The one she always got when she didn't quiet understand something.
I was hit by a warm wind then. The wind smelled just like she always did, a mixture of Snuggle fabric softener, her favorite peach-scented shampoo and Sand and Sable perfume.
"No my sweet baby," she said softly. "You'll always remember the most important stuff, like treating everyone with respect and how to love unconditionally. If that's all you remember about me, honey, then that makes me the proudest mother in the world."
She flashed that beautiful smile of hers and then I woke up.
Sitting here now, I know the dream was a gift from her. I know it was supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn't. The things I remember about the dream, the flowers, the smells, are the things I remember about her, the tangibles of her. Thing is, they are ALL that I remember. And I'm afraid, no, *terrified* that those memories will fade away from my mind like she did faded from my sight in the dream. Like she faded out of my life.
Like smoke rings in the dark.