Akatsuki's Day Off!
Riinnnng! Riiinnngg!
"Coming! Coming!", A blond haired man approached the door in his black akatsuki pajamas, "Who the hell is it, hn?"
"The mailman", someone from the other side of the door said. The voice was energetic and cheerful. Meaning "Annoying and Loud" in Deidara's dictionary.
'Who'd think someone would send criminals mail', Deidara thought to himself as he opened the door. Cursing under his breath when he saw the figure standing before him.
A guy wearing a normal mailman's uniform but his face was covered with the weirdest mask he had ever seen. It had one hole on one of the eyes.
"Give it." Deidara demanded.
"My name is Tobi, I'm a-" The mailman got cut when the blonde yelled, "DON' .CARE." After handing Deidara the package, he signed the papers and was ready to leave when Tobi finally said, "I want to join the Akatsuki."
This stopped Deidara right in his tracks. Its too bad that they had to live in this sorry excuse for a hideout, eat food served by Kisame and have stupid book deliveries for Itachi! Now this? A happy carefree guy with a mask on wants to join the group? How low had they gotten? So in short this pissed Deidara off .
"Katsu!" He said in a bored tone, not like he always does. An explosion blasted Tobi to who knows where.
*In the kitchen*
"Here you go Itachi, hn." Deidara said as he throwed the book to the black haired guy eating cereal.
Itachi caught it, Like A Boss. Kisame was cooking, Deidara threw himself at the couch and turned the T.V. on. Kakusu was doing some accounting. He's the head of expenditure around here. So its his fault we live in this shithole.
Let me describe this shithole, there are 6 rooms. Deidara and Sasori, Itachi and Kisame, Hidan and Kakusu, Leader and Konan live in groups on 4 rooms and the other one is for meetings. the last one is the kitchen. Good thing we got a bathroom in each of our rooms. The walls are covered with Pink Wallper...PINK! Its because Kakusu said it was the cheapest one. Leader nodded in agreement saying, "We are saving up for a war, so DEAL with it. If not I will rip you to shreads." That kind of stopped everyone from trying.
Kisame sat beside Itachi, "New to Blindness." he read it out loud. "So you're taking this seriously, huh? Sorry partner, you got it hard". He got up and served six plates of sushi.
"Isn't it cannibalism, hn? You eating fish?" Deidara asked.
"No it's not." Kisame glared at Deidara who just sighed and let it go. Right then a bloody figure entered the kitchen, with a evil grin on his face saying he's satisfied.
"What the fuck? Hidan I fucking warned you not to come here covered in blood. Who the Fuck is gonna clean it? You sacrificed our maid again to Jashin, your make up god. Who's gonna clean this shit?" Kisame snapped.
"First thing first, cursing is mine. I'm the one who curses most. So, fuck you. Secondly, I'm doing Kakusu a favor, with this we won't have to pay her. And Thirdly, your hair looks like a good thing to clean this up with." Hidan cooly stated and went away. Now with a sword across his chest, courtesy of Kisame. Advantages of being immortal. Itachi just sighed, Deidara went back to his TV show. It was Zetsu's turn to enter the room, "Leader's calling you into the meeting room , he said and I quote 'Get here in 10 minutes or I will make sure none of you can make babies.' So… Yeah. Hurry" Stated the black half.
"Is that sushi?" Asked the white half.
*10 Minutes later. -Meeting room- *
Konan was sitting at the right side of the leader while Itachi was sitting on the left side, then Kisame, Hidan, Sasori, Deidara, Kakusu, ending with Zetsu forming a circle. The meeting table was well furnished, the room was nice too. It's the only room Leader ordered Kakusu to free his hands.
"Thank you for coming on such a short notice." Leader(Pein) cleared his throat as he started.
"Your threats are motivating as always Leader" Deidara said, a twisted smirk plastered on his face. Kisame and Hidan tried hard not to break out laughing, even Sasori supressed a smile.
"Yes, now let's get down to business." The Leader stated but was inturrupted by Deidara again,
"How come we have mailmans coming to our hideout? I mean what's up with that? Our enemy's country don't have our address but they do?" The blond cried out. Leader's eyebrow twitched as he suppressed his will to kill that blonde.
Come on every criminal organisation needs a crazy lunatic guy with explosives, they come in handy.
"We are a criminal organisation but we do need supplies, Deidara." Konan explained.
"Who was it? The mailman I mean." Leader camly asked.
"Some guy named Tobi. He wore a pretty looking weird mask." Deidara said.
Everyone sighed, Kisame and Hidan facepalmed, Zetsu ate a tree branch. "Not him, again!" Kisame slammed his head on the table as a sigh escaped his lips.
"You guys met him?" Deidara asked, if he wasn't confused before he was now.
"He wants to join the Akatsuki." Konan stated.
"WHAT THE HELL!" This time, it was Hidan who cried out. "That shithead? Come on, what are we gonna do with a 'GOOD BOY'?"
"It's … A … Contngency plan, let's say if Sasori dies ….. He'll take his palce." Zetsu said taking a bite of the branch between each word.
"And why do you assume I'd die?" Sasori finally spoke up.
"Well out of all of us you are the only one who's a puppet", Zetsu spat.
"So?"
"I don't like puppets,I don't eat plastic." Zetsu said giving him a hard glare then went back to his food.
"Shut up! We are here to discuss something important!" Leader snapped at them. The room fell silent again. "Kakusu here, has a propostision" The leader continued looking at the said person.
"Yes, I propose we all go fishing. We shall put our day off in a good use", Kakusu said with a straight face. Deidara face palmed, Hidan had two options in mind, either he curses out loud which would lead to a scary threat from his leader or, stay quite and the second option looked pretty welcoming to him. As for Zetsu he was confused. Should he eat the branch or Kakusu's cloack…? Hmmmm…
"Cool." Kisame exclaimed and with a blink of an eye, he all prepared for the fishing trip.
"We are low on food. So Leader, Konan and I can only afford meals. Zetsu can take care of himself. As for the rest of you, you don't want to starve, now do you?" Kakusu said. When everyone gave a nod he continued, "Then go fish." He continued.
"I'm just gonna say this on behalf of everyone except Kisame (fucker) here, including Itachi," Hidan stood up and threw his chair at Kakusu, " .FUCK!"
"Though, his choice of words makes me sick, I agree with Hidan", said Sasori who was not in his puppet body. I mean he was in his puppet body but not the usual one. It was the usual it was the one that won most fangirls hearts, clear?
"Even if we did fish, there's a chance we might fail altogether since none of us knows how to fish" Everyones eyes fell on Itachi.
Silence...
"Did Itachi just talk?" Deidara asked in a surprised tone.
"Hn", Itachi leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes.
"That was..." Kisame said and stopped for a second then continued, "Awkward…" He cleared his throat, "Well shall we get ready, then?" He asked excitedly.
"No!" Hidan and Deidara yelled in sync.
"Why can't we just rob a bank or something?" Hidan asked in a desperate tone. He REALLY didn't want to go fishing.
"We don't want to go out in public now. We don't want any unwanted attention," Leader explained while they just sighed.
"So, where are we going to fish?" Sasori asked.
"Konoha lake." Leader proudly announced. Everyone just facepalmed. Because fishing in konoha is normal for any criminal organisation. So much for a low profile.
"By the way Itachi don't pressure yourself, Kisame will share with you." Leader said as he stood up from his chair. "Just don't go blind. You are one of the most sane members of the organisation" He pleaded.
"I thought you were the same until I found out you talked so much!" Itachi shot back.
And with that, the meeting was dismissed.
* 3 hours later *
"Huh, there aren't much people around here." Deidara looked around. "Think anyone would notice if I blow some buildings over there?" He pointed to some far away buildings.
"Getting here was easy, just had to kill two idiot guards." Hidan started, "Konoha seem awefully relaxed, maybe we should start with the nine tails, I heard its a loudmouthed kid. Much easier than going after the kazekage."
"We are the Akatsuki, everything is easy for us." Kisame said cockly.
"Maybe… Apart from dealing with pedophiles like Orochimaru." Itachi shuddered at the thought.
"Hope we don't run into him again, though it's super funny to watch Itachi nervous." Kakusu laughed at what he said as he prepared his fishing equipments.
"He was hitting on him from the moment he joined, Itachi has a fanboy." Sasori smirked.
"Tch." Itachi sighed and started to read his book.
Leader was sitting on a bench with Konan talking about things that didn't really sound evil.
*2 hours later*
"This is boring. God, I can't believe I'm saying this but, I miss our hideout! And I'm more of an outdoor person!" Deidara had been whining for the last hour and it was getting on everyone's nerve except Kisame's. Oh! He was having the BEST time of his life. So far he had caught around 30 fishes.
It was afternoon now, the wheater was so nice even Itachi was smiling, now that was rare. Its the perfect wheater for- "Let me blow something up, please! This is the perfect weather!" -for that.
"You can't blow anything up Deidara. Oh my Jashin, would you stop talking already!" Guess who said that, Hidan was using his scythe to fish. So far, it was working out. He did manage to break up a kiss between Leader and Konan but thats all.
"Stop with your made up God! There's only one God!" Kakusu shouted from the far end of the lake, he kept his distance from them since he knew having 5 hearts won't be enough for him if all of them snaped.
"Let me guess, is it money?" Sasori sighed "We need more members. The writer's using old jokes now."
"Tobi?" Konan suggested. "Wait… I take that back."
Suddenly, out of nowhere, well acutally from a road, came two shady figures. Well, they were wearing bright clothes, and they had huge grins plastered on their faces. So maybe not that shady.
A young ninja couple, how nice! Akatsuki being awesome at sensing people... Couldn't sense them at all. They were arguing about their cloack designs. "Whats with the red cloud?" Deidara asked.
"Since when is red evil?"
"Since the beginning, I was born with this hair for a reason." Sasori said, he had given up on fishing and was now striking a deal with Kisame.
"Red clouds will rain blood." Itachi said closing his book,"I think thats what it means."
"Who the fuck are they?" Hidan pointed at the couple walking towards them.
"Yo, are you guys here for the circus?" The guy with purple hair asked.
"Don't talk to them, they seem weird!" The blond-haired-woman said as she tugged on the guy's arm.
"CIRCUS?! WEIRD?!" Hidan jumped at them but was held back by Itachi. And you'd think he'd be too cool to interfere.
"Targets," Deidara grinned "I'm clear to blow them to the sky, is that alright?" He looked at leader waiting for an. He was mad. He didn't like being called weird, the guy with more piercing than Gajeel doesn't like being called weird.
"Hey, hey easy man. I was just saying that becasue of those weird outfits." The guy raised his hands, surrendering.
"We are the criminal organisation AKATSUKI! This is our uniform." Zetsu said enthusiacally.
"Why is it red? Is it evil?" This time it the girl who spoke.
"We think it's because Kakusu is so cheap and couldn't be bothered to waste money on cooler colors." Deidara said while giving Kakusu… The Look.
"Hey this costume is cool!" Kakusu said defending himself.
Then the couple dropped dead. Kisame smiled wildly standing over there bodies. He high fived Leader,well actually more like tried to.
"You bitch! You stole my kill!" Deidara and Hidan jumped at him. Well thats the end of the fishing trip.
*3 hours later*
"Those fish fetched us some good price, this money is enough for a weeks sake", Kisame said, pleased with himself. "You mean one nights", Deidara grinned. "Exactly", Kisame agreed and they went ahead skipping towards the local bar.
"I thought that was dinner", Itachi said to no one in particular.
"Thats Akatsuki for you, worst decision in my life when i decided to join here" Sasori said suddenly appearing to Itachi's right.
"The pay sucks ass!", Hidan at his left "But i love sake!" and with that he caught up with Kisame and Deidara.
"Bring us some SAKEEEEEEEeeee! What the fuck is this?" Kisame, Deidara and Hidan stopped in their tracks. All they saw was a bunch of babies playing, sleeping, eating.
Gross! "Can i sacrifice them to Jashin?" Hidan asked.
"Thats just low man, we are criminals not Orochimaru", Deidara and Kisame left the place.
"Hey can't a guy make a joke! And Orochimaru would rape them, not kill! Wait up!"
"Dickheads, are you so excited that you can't tell apart a day care to a bar?", Konan demanded.
"Well who the hell builds a bar next to a day care?", Hidan cried out.
"Thats the hokage, Tsunade-sama for you", Itachi facepalmed.
*1 Hour later*
"But i don't think Itachi likes me at all. I always liked him. I mean i try to get my hair like his. Did you see his perfect hair?", Deidara cried in Kisame's arm who patted him awkwardly. "It's okay, don't cry".
"Deidara's such a lightweight, he gets so excited and then what after 2 drinks he's gone", Hidan said gulping down on his 9th bottle.
"You have two fanboys", Sasori corrected himself. "That is if we don't count that obsessive brother of yours".
"I bet there was some Uchihasest going on between them", Kisame laughed out loud, that is until Itachi sharringanned his ass.
Hidan huddled them all in, much to Itachi's displeasure and whispered "Look Leader and Konan are all drunk", He pointed at the drunk lovebirds, "Let's get them married".
"That would cost money, so no!", Kakusu tried to get out.
"Wait! if we can pull this off Leaders threats won't mean anything anymore!".
Now that got them thinking. "It's worth a shot", they agreed. So they carried Leader and Konan to the nearest church at midnight to get them married, leaving Deidara behind. He'd blow it up anyway.
*2 Hours later*
Leader was dressed in a black tuxedo being dressed up by Kisame and Sasori. On the other hand because of the lack of female members Konan got dressed herself and Itachi applied makeup. He's a Uchiha bitches!
Leader was now with the priest, Kakusu and Kisame beside him. Konan walked down the aisle accompanied by the handsome Uchiha Itachi. Sasori stood next to Itachi. Zetsu came in and presented the ring.
"We are all gathered here today", Hidan cleared his throat, "To join these two criminal masterminds in the holy bond of matrimony and shit".
"Way to keep it clean", Kakusu punched Hidan. And Hidan tried to fight back but Leader glared at him. "Since we don't have time and its night and we have much better things to do, You may now kiss the -"
BOOM!
"ART IS A BANG!", Deidara flew in with his giant white bird, flames everywhere. Half the village was engulfed in flames and the cruch was now non existant.
"For the love of Jashin! This is the 6th time this year DAMMIT! Do you love Konan or something?", Hidan snapped at him.
"Why do you keep breaking up their weddings?", Kisame demanded but now all of them were running away from the flames.
"Leave it to Akatsuki to turn a normal fishing trip into chaos and destruction" Konan sighed.
"Thats why we are the fucking Akatsuki!", This cheered all of them up as they ran away causing more damage to the destroyed village.
"I'd still rate this day off 5/10. I liked the one where we tried to get Itachi and Deidara married after Itachi got drunk" and thats the last time anyone has seen Kisame for the next 2 months, courtesy of Itachi.
The end.