We are family?
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- Tiger, Tiger
Pairing:- Sandra/Gerry
Rating:- K+
Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/
Summary:- From now on I'll keep a closer eye on all three of my boys, after all that's what families do and we are defiantly that, one little, odd, dysfunctional, loving family.
Author's Note:- Episode based short fic spoilers for Tiger, tiger.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you? We got a result not only did we get Zach Halsey's murderer but we solved 4 more cases we weren't even working on you should be happy, actually you should be delirious." He's right, we've been home over an hour, he knew tonight I didn't want to come home alone it was always our plan to arrive separately at the awards dinner then come home together but I wasn't expecting to feel like this when we got here. It should have been a great night for us. Jack should have stood up there and accepted his award, smiled and said thank you then joined us at the table again where we could drink too much and celebrate the plaudit not just for him but for UCOS. That's what should have happened but Jack had other ideas and now I can't decide if I'm worried about him or furious with him.
"Why couldn't he just turn up, go up there, smile and say thank you? I mean is it too much to ask? We all work damn hard and for once one of us was getting recognised for it he could have done it for the rest of us even if he didn't give a damn himself." I've not told him and Brian what Jack said to me when I challenged him about why he didn't come, I'm still having trouble processing what he said myself.
When we started UCOS he was the one who kept me going, he was my touch stone when I picked Gerry and Brian and while I can do it myself these days I'm not going to say I don't need him anymore and tonight it felt like I was losing him or starting to anyway.
"Sandra you know what he's like I love him to death but he's a grumpy git and if it didn't suit him to go and accept an award he was never going to do it sweetheart. Maybe we should have seen it coming when he refused to talk about it or put our names on the list for the party." Yeah maybe we all should have but I definitely should he told me straight out and I accused him of false modesty instead of realizing he seriously didn't want any part of it.
"I don't feel like I know him anymore Gerry, you're right he's never exactly been easy but he's…." God do I tell him or not? Since we became a couple I've had to fight my desire to hide and not close off and deal with things on my own like used to. I love him, I've loved him for years even when he didn't know that I did but I've been on my own for a long time and when you're used to working through things alone it's a hard habit to break.
"Is there something you're not telling me?" He's tilted my head so I can't do anything but look him straight in the eye and he already knows the answer to the question. He's the only person who's ever been able to read me so well, I can't hide things from him and maybe it's time to accept that I don't want to anymore. "What did he say to you when you took him outside the office earlier? Whatever it was it's clearly upset you so tell me."
"He said when he stepped into those situations he didn't care if he lived or died. I thought he was past that Gerry you know? I know when Mary died it was awful for him and then everything with Hadley and how long it took us to nail him, but I thought once that was all done with he'd finally move on and see that he has got something to live for. Even apart from the fact I thought he knew how much we cared about him it just felt like a complete kick in the teeth to realise he'd been feeling like that and we'd never even noticed.
Now that I've said it out loud I realise how true it is. Yes I'm angry with him about the award, yes I was frustrated that he'd decided to go and work alone rather than let the rest of us in on what he had found out but to be honest dealing with petulance an even unusual and controversial working method is all in a day's work with this lot. The idea that he'd been feeling like that and none of us had noticed is what's eating me alive.
"You can't blame yourself for the fact Jack has down says and we don't always know about the." God he needs to stop the freaky mind reading thing it could get very disconcerting in the long run. I know it sounds ridiculous, like something from a sappy rom-com but when he holds me close like he is now and just listens to me and lets me talk, get things out in the open I feel like no problem is insurmountable.
"But I do blame myself for not tuning in more to the fact he was getting so down. If someone asked I'd say we aren't really a team we are a family but sometimes I feel like that's biggest joke around. It wasn't that long ago that Brian completely fell off the wagon and it took us months to notice, now Jack is obviously having really down times and we didn't notice that either, and don't even get me started on how much time you and I wasted by just not being in tune with each other enough. Standing back and looking at it all it just feel like all my beliefs about things wobble a little. We're not a family we're just people thrown together who managed not to fall apart for the last eight years." Shit now I'm crying, the last few days seem to have been a barely suppressed nightmare culminating in Jack's admission tonight and how Strickland reacted to it which I really am not going to tell him about he'd go nuts.
"Sweetheart it's ok come on don't get upset." He's wiping my tears away with the pad of my thumb and kissing me gently and the combination is stilling my panic. "Ok first of all it doesn't matter how long it took you and me to get together the point is that we're together now and I don't plan on going anywhere and I don't think you do either. As far as Brian is concerned he's an addict Sandra albeit a recovering one but when that happened a couple of years ago he was doing what all addicts do he was hiding, acting like everything was normal, even Esther didn't know how bad things had got until it was too late and when we did find out we did everything we could to help."
"And Jack? Don't you think we should have noticed?" I know what you're thinking he's saying all the right things, giving me all the space I need to talk, being logical and understanding why can't I just accept what he says and be thankful that I have him to make things better but I've never been good at doing things the easy way. He knows that and repeatedly tells me that' one of the things he loves about me but I'm sure at moments like this it really isn't.
"jack is at the stage in his life where there will be moments when the idea of shuffling off the mortal coil crosses his mind and there'll even be times when he'd rather it happened soon rather than later. There's nothing any of us can do about that other than be there which from what you've told me is exactly what you did tonight." See he just carries on being logical and never once telling me to get a grip you'll have to agree I'm a lucky woman right? "Now as for the fact we're a family well we are grumpy, irritable, drive each other nuts, hide how we feel, take it out on each other when we shouldn't and all look at each other at least once a week and think we're the only sane one in the room. All of that's true no one could argue with that but we also defend each other even when someone from outside is attacking us with good reason, we don't care about all that other stuff because we love each other and have each other's back and we can say what we like about UCOS and each other but let someone else try to level a criticism at us and we'll make them sorry they even thought about it. Thank about all that for a moment and I think you'll find that's the dictionary definition of a family."
Now he's got me laughing and crying at the same time and I'm reminded again why I love him so much. He can make everything better without even trying. He's right all the things we are to each other is exactly what makes a family but as I settle into his arms and enjoy his lips on mine and his hands tangled in my hair I promise myself one thing. From now on I'll keep a closer eye on all three of my boys, after all that's what families do and we are defiantly that, one little, odd, dysfunctional, loving family.