This will not be a multiple chapter story. It will be a drabble, and remain a drabble. That is final.
Tsubaki sat in the chair at her desk, musing to herself. Her heart ached, and she found herself wringing her fingers in the fabric of her dress. She felt… uncomfortable, though as she kept trying to tell herself she didn't need to, it made her feel more uncomfortable.
She stood, and looked at the curtains covering the window. Perhaps she could make a decent excuse to stay home based on today's weather. She threw them open, and glanced up at the sky. It was windy, and there were rainclouds covering up the sun.
I could just stay home. But no, I have to go to class. She felt conflicted between avoiding someone she thought was her ex-lover, and keeping up her grades. She knew she had to go to prevent being confused due to falling behind (though considering the material, she'd end up leaving confused anyway).
She'd woken up early that morning, trying to quell her brain's recalling the awful dream she'd had. Someone had sent her a letter inviting her to a conference with her ex and a few others that had been affected by their falling out. Reluctantly, she attended. When she'd attempted to resolve their conflicts, all he had done was insulted her, just as he had done in waking life.
What if it really is him? What would I do? What would I say? She panicked, pacing her room as she put things in order. She stacked the dirty dishes she told herself she'd clean later, and noticed her plant's top soil seemed a little dry.
She picked it up and carried it to the kitchen to water it, thinking all the while.
Am I mad? Sad? Do I even care? Do I care about him? She asked herself. She imagined approaching the look alike, just to decide whether or not it was him. If it was, she imagined herself shouting at him: "I hate you!" Or, would she declare her unrequited love? Would she say she hated him, and then say she loved him, and then call him out on his indifference for her? He'd really left her in shambles.
Frustrated, she left "Lentus" on the counter, and walked into the bathroom, picking up her brush and dragging it through her hair. Her face was red. Her eyes seemed puffy. She didn't want to go to class, but she needed to.
You probably won't run into him, anyway. It's just… Just a man who looks like him, that's all. She consoled herself. She brushed her teeth and spat angrily into the sink, then ran deodorant under her armpits. There. She could be seen in public now.
She walked back into the kitchen and grabbed Lentus, carried him back to the windowsill, and set him down on a towel; sometimes she'd water too much, and the excess would overflow. There was a slightly yellow stain which she worried she'd have to pay damages for.
She needed an anchor. Something to force her to get outside. Doing the first thing that came to mind, she grabbed her phone and sent a text to Black Star, the only acquaintance/friend she'd made since she started here. She smiled at the name in her phone, since he'd requested it to be: "Black*Star". It wasn't complete without the asterisk, he'd said.
Want to chill before class? She typed, and shoved her phone in her pocket so she didn't forget it.
She snatched her satchel, found her wallet and threw it in, jammed her key into her pocket, and headed out of the door before she could change her mind.
As she walked to the commons, she took in the scenery. The trees that had been covered with red, yellow, and orange leaves were now bare, and the wind swept the fallen leaves along the ground. She realized then that she'd really holed herself up in her room for three days. She'd meant to walk to the grocery store, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't… care.
Her phone beeped at her, and she grabbed it eagerly.
Heh, I, uh, just woke up. But I'll let you know when I get to campus. Black Star had responded. Tsubaki sighed, and nodded. At least he got to sleep in. It made her slightly jealous. She hadn't been sleeping well lately.
Her head dropped and she stared at the ground as she walked to the commons, intending to grab something to eat for breakfast. When she entered the building, many other students were eating on the first floor, and she suddenly felt anxious.
Though everyone was focused on talking to their friends or eating their meals, she felt their eyes were on her. She threw her hood over her head in attempt to hide, and shoved one hand into her pocket and kept a tight grip on her satchel strap with the other to prevent fidgeting. There was enough attention on her already. Fumbling with something in nerves would draw more.
This only made it worse.
Avoiding everyone's eyes, regardless of where they were looking, she hurried into the convenience store. It was brightly lit, and strangely, she felt better. It was mostly empty of people, save for a few standing in line to make their purchases. The shelves were stocked well with enticing snacks, but all she really wanted was a cup of coffee.
She filled a Styrofoam cup with "Chocolate Macadamia Nut" flavored coffee, and turned around, looking for something. She wondered if she should grab a piece of fruit, but realized she wasn't hungry. Her appetite was simply gone. Damn, she'd just poured herself some coffee that she would have to pay for, and probably wouldn't finish drinking.
She fixed it up with creamer and sugar, and capped it, heading to the cashier's station.
"Good morning! You know you can get that for .99 cents if you buy a pastry, too, right?" The woman said cheerfully. Tsubaki forced what felt like a smile, and nodded.
"Morning. Yeah, I know, but just the coffee please—and a banana." She added, grabbing a banana from beside a sign that read: ".25 cents? That's bananas!" She didn't want the cashier to think she was starving herself. Judgement aside, the pun made her smile, and she chuckled at it.
"Ok! Do you have a punch card?" She asked. Tsubaki blinked. She did, but had she put them back in her wallet? Probably not.
"I do, but it's at home." She admitted. The lady smiled and laughed a little, and handed her a new one.
"When you find it, you can compound them. We've had students that turn in 5 single-hole-punched cards." She explained, holding out her hand for the cash.
"1.75, please."
Tsubaki nodded and handed her two dollars. She opened her mouth to say "keep the change", but remembered: she couldn't really afford it at the moment, being broke as hell.
"Here you go! Have a good Monday!" The cashier dismissed. Tsubaki blinked. Oh, right. It was Monday.
"Th-thanks, you too." She replied, voice shaking. She heard it, and she was sure the cashier heard it. She blushed from embarrassment. She couldn't get herself together today. As she felt the sheepish look on her face and the heat on her cheeks, the feeling of being stared at magnified ten-fold. She kept a tight grip on her coffee and tried to keep her walking steady as she headed for the doors leading outside.
Out in the open, she relaxed, bringing the cup of coffee to her mouth and taking a sip. It was hot, and took her mind off of things. She wondered where she would sit. It was such a nice, wide open, people-free space. She still felt stressed and anxious, and as she looked around, she registered she wanted to hide, and cry. But, where could she go?
She knew if she went back to her room, she wouldn't go to class, and sternly reminded herself she couldn't do that. Her knees felt wobbly, and she headed for a stone wall, set her coffee down, and jumped up on it to sit down. She kept her focus on her knees. Every time someone passed by, she would glance up for a second, feel the nervous expression on her face, and dropped her head immediately. When had she become so shy?
She didn't want anyone to notice, but at the same time, she wanted someone to take notice, and ask her if she was okay. She'd probably break down and cry, and end up embarrassing herself even more. That thought made her eyes well up with hot tears, and she blinked them away.
She hopped down, picked up her coffee, and briskly walked to the cluster of weeping willows by the Admin building. She could slip inside and hide for a while, and cry if she needed to. She pulled aside the strands of branches and stepped in. The spot offered seclusion from the outside world, and a quiet place to think. She felt grateful.
She sipped her coffee again, and sighed, reflecting on what had happened. Why had she felt so anxious? It didn't make sense.
Her mind flitted to wondering what her friend Neko would do, since she would have "anxiety attacks". She hadn't gone into depth, but Tsubaki wondered if this is what it felt like. Not wanting to be around people, but not wanting to be alone. Feeling like she were being watched, judged, but wondering if they were wondering if she was okay.
She took her phone and sent a text to her father, who she often asked for advice, and Neko, who could explain the situation in clarity and offer her ways to deal with it.
I feel extremely anxious today. She began. She waited, sipping her coffee. Her father was probably busy with a meeting, and Neko was probably asleep.
Her phone beeped, and she turned it over to look at who it was. Her dad. She smiled, feeling comforted. Even when he was busy at work, he'd still answer her texts if he could.
Why? It said. She took a deep breath and began to type, feeling her cheeks heat in embarrassment and shame. Where would she begin? She added Neko's name to the list, knowing that she'd get it later after she woke.
I thought I saw my ex a few weeks ago when I was leaving my class. Might have been a look-alike, I don't know. It happened in the blink of an eye. Anyway, this morning I had a dream that someone arranged a meeting so that we could get over things, and all he did was insult me. I don't want to go to class but I have to. I don't want to stay home, but I want to. I don't want to sleep, because I don't want to dream, but I don't want to be awake. Then, walking through the commons, I felt really insecure, like everyone was staring at me. I want to hide, but I don't know where, other than my room, and I don't want to BE in my room.
She sent the text before she had a chance to delete everything she'd written, and waited.
Her father's prompt response came, and it made her laugh.
Don't worry about the people. Look at them and think "You're a retard". Eventually you'll start laughing.
She smiled, and shook her head, momentarily forgetting her abhorrence for the word "retard". She probably wouldn't take this tidbit of advice, since it would be degrading other people, but it got his point across.
That's probably true. From past experience, most college students don't read signs. She responded.
Another one came in, and she opened it.
Or imagine them naked. Or imagine geeky guys with penises that hang to their ankles. Or women with über brown nipples.
She shook her head, and scrunched her nose in distaste. Now he was messing with her, but it made her laugh anyway. That was simply their understanding of his strange tastes in humour.
When I'm in class it doesn't bother me as much. I'm too busy trying to keep up with the teacher. It was the truth; she could barely keep up. There were times that she would be forced to sit back and watch helplessly as the teacher chugged along with stuff she didn't understand. Even after buying a Smartpen and recording the lectures, she still didn't get it.
Those thoughts will take your anxiety away. Her father added. She nodded. Of course. They would make her laugh, and she wouldn't think about it, she supposed.
Still, the overall fact that she'd felt this way to such an extreme bothered her. She'd never felt this way before. She wondered if it was due to the fact that she'd been thinking about her ex.
What of my ex? I keep telling myself it doesn't matter. Sometimes it works. She asked.
Her father sent her a response, but she didn't get to it. Neko had texted her back, and she opened it, curious as to what her friend had to say about it.
Sit down, put your book bag on one side, and lean against a wall. Find five different things that you can see. Anything works.
Already calm, she didn't do it, but made a mental note to try it next time she felt this way. She figured she probably should do it at random, since some places may be more appropriate than others.
She checked the time on her phone, and took another deep breath. It was just past eleven, but her first class wasn't until 1130.
Gunshots in the distance snared her attention, and she looked in the direction they'd come from. She counted them.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. She smirked to herself as she thought Kidd may have been practicing. Waiting, she listened for the next round of shots.
Eight again. Definitely Kidd. She told herself.
She checked her clock again, remembering that her father had texted her.
Meditate for 20 minutes every night, focusing on what you want to change.
What I want to change? I want… I want closure, but there's no way that will happen. He's never going to contact me again, and probably would respond if I tried. He really hates me that much.
She shook her head. There had to be other things she could think about, right? She tried, but she found she was too tired to care enough at the moment. Maybe her father didn't understand what she was trying to say.
She stood, brushed the decay off of her bottom, and picked up her bag, heading for her class. Normally she would have been thinking about how dreadful it was going to be, but she was still trying to think of things she wanted to change.
She tossed her empty cup into the garbage can by the door and walked in.
Normally she sat towards the front, since she wanted to ensure the recording device in her Smartpen got a good quality. Today, though, she felt uneasy, and sat towards the back. This way, she could escape without drawing attention to herself if she needed to, she reasoned.
Her phone rang, and she snatched it up and silenced it. Thankfully, class hadn't started yet, but she didn't want it to go off in class. It would be distracting to everyone.
Just now leaving. Living life on the edge, you know. Yahoo! It said. Tsubaki shook her head. Well, at least she could save him a seat. She turned to rest her bag on the empty chair next to her, but someone had already sat there, and she was on the outside of the row.
She'd apologize later.
Making small talk with the gentleman next to her, she glanced around the room. That's when she saw him. The double.
She immediately dropped her eyes.
Shit, it's him! He really is here!
She raised her eyes again and looked, her heart pounding in her chest. Would he look back? What would she do?
She blinked. It… wasn't him. There was something different. The eyes? The face? It'd been so long, she couldn't remember exactly what he'd looked like. She could only recall a general face, and each time, it seemed to change.
She laughed at herself. At her folly. She'd gotten worked up over someone who just resembled him. She grabbed her phone and sent a text to Neko.
You were right. It wasn't him. Just a look alike.
She waited for a text back saying: Told you so.
Instead, Neko had asked: Sure you're not seeing things again? Tsubaki wondered if Neko was teasing her, and smiled. She looked again, just to be sure. Confirmed; it wasn't the same guy.
Yup. Definitely not the same.
She turned as someone set their skateboard down, and she saw the green of Black Star's backpack. She smiled, and waved.
"Glad you made it." She greeted. He gave her a smile, panting.
"Yeah, me too." He hurried to find the next available seat, a spot a few rows in front of her.
"Alright, welcome, class…" The teacher began. She threw open her notebook and turned on her Smartpen, getting ready to record the lecture.
Organic Chemistry had been released early due to a technical difficulty, and Tsubaki was slightly relieved. Towards the end of the lecture, she couldn't follow what the teacher was talking about. Even though she'd recorded it, it may as well have been taught in Greek. If asked, she was certain she couldn't explain what she didn't understand. She wanted to ask the teacher to start from the beginning, but there was a fat chance of him actually doing it.
"Hey, doing alright?" Black Star asked. She nodded wanting to talk about it straight away, but not wanting to talk about it here.
They headed outside, and she began.
"I'm just a little… It's been a day. I… I just felt really anxious. Like everyone was staring at me." She stated. Black Star grinned, and leaned around to stare her in the face.
"Like this? Does it bother you?" He asked. She laughed and shook her head. No, of course it didn't. He was being comical, and besides; it was only one person, and they were on friendly terms.
"No, not really. I don't know why, but it just got to me." She muttered.
"So you don't like being in the spotlight. No worries. If I act loud and obnoxious, spotlight's on me!" He said loudly. She laughed. It really did help, and he was right. She didn't look around to see if others were looking their way.
"Quit stealing my spotlight!" He joked. She grinned.
"Take all the spotlight you want! Thanks, Black Star."
"So, where's your next class?" He asked. She pointed up the tall hill.
"Life Sciences." She stared at the steps, and began to walk up them. He followed.
"Really? I thought all your classes were… over there, somewhere." He voiced. She giggled and shook her head.
"Nope."
"Huh. Well. Hey, I wasn't being too obnoxious, was I?" He asked as they reached the top of the steps.
"No, not at all! You really helped. I guess I was just overthinking it too much." She replied, scratching the back of her neck.
He grinned, seeming delighted that he could help.
They stopped at the corner of the street. Tsubaki was looking up the hill, not too thrilled to walk up the damn thing anymore. Still, Stein would be handing back their Genetics tests, and she wanted to know what she'd gotten.
"Hey, so, if you want to come over sometime, that's totally ok." He offered. She blinked and looked back at him. The offer was sudden, but she smiled. She hoped she wasn't blushing. She didn't want him to get the wrong idea.
"That would be nice. Thank you." She replied. He smirked.
"Sure! I've got plenty of board games, card games… I dunno what kind of games you play, but… I'm a pretty good chef, too, we could go shopping and cook something sometime." He continued. She smiled and nodded her head. She wanted to tell him she was only looking for friendship, but she wasn't even sure if this was his way of asking her on a date.
She didn't want things to progress beyond that.
"Alrighty." She said. He smiled.
"I'll let you get to class." He said, holding out his arms for a hug. She took it gratefully. It'd been a few months since she'd had a hug. The last one she'd had had been before she'd left for Death City University.
"Thanks, Black Star." She said before turning away and heading to class. She smiled, feeling much better than she had three hours ago.
Well. Reviews for improvement are always welcome, and comments or concerns are welcome too.
Thank you.