We were both alike. Nobody knew except for the two of us. We were afraid of many things in our life that we couldn't control or understand fully. Why did this happen to us? Neither of us had done anything to deserve this. We were too young to suffer the consequences of their actions. We weren't the ones at fault, so why were we being targeted?
Unlike others our age we knew how cruel the world could be. We knew what lay ahead of us, over the mountain of protection that was given to us. They never expected the two of us to find out. Never expected us to understand in the slightest. No one really knew what was coming, or why we had to be involved.
Of course, we felt betrayed. Eighteen years of our lives had been filled with lies. Lies that shaped who we were and who we thought we would be in the future. Did I really know who I was anymore? Perhaps not. The past makes us who we are, and without it we're just an empty vessel. An empty vessel that could be used for people to manipulate and torture.
Eighteen years? Why had this feud been going on for as long as I can remember? It was inane to say the least and nor Christian or I wanted anything to do with it. We never had. It had been thrust upon us without question. What had they been thinking?
Lies. Everything we knew and believed in had been a lie. No one had told us the truth of what happened all those years ago, we had to learn the truth on our own. Where was the justice in that? What had our world come to?
Lies and deceit. I hated the very words, yet everyone had fed them to me. Except for one person. One person that I knew so deeply had been the only one worth trusting and holding on to. Had I been a fool to trust? I dare not say the words out loud as they will cause a riot in my heart. I wonder if I should ever trust again or hold onto the last piece of secrecy that I have kept.
I didn't want this to happen. Not now, not in a thousand years. Not when everything had started to seem right in the world. It had seemed perfect not so long ago, a time which seemed so far away that I tend to forget minor details about how the world was. I was a fool. An absolute naïve fool to think that things could be going right for once, that things could be perfect for me.
I know without a doubt that Christian thought the same as I. He used to smile, laugh; sing until he could breath no more. He would always be in the brightest of moods that one could be in. he shined above all the rest with his exuberant happiness and smile. Although he had troubles in his life, he remained as positive and confident as the day I met him. I always had wondered how he did it, before things changed.
Neither of us smiles anymore. Too much rests on our shoulders to find the energy to joke. We didn't like what we had become, but we were never given a choice. A choice that could mean life or death for the both of us. A choice that could change our entire world, the one that everyone lived in and the one that we have grown accustomed to. What will become of us?
No one seemed to care that we didn't know who we were anymore. They cared about their own problems, the troubles that they had to face. Who we were on the outside was very different to who we were on the inside. We both tried. We truly did, but it wasn't enough to keep the charade going.
We needed an out. To get away from this life and start anew. Oh, if only it was as simple as my mind wanted it to be. We could never get away from this life and because of that I am deeply saddened. Why us? Such a simple question, yet no one had been able to answer it. At least not fully.
Is it so hard to speak the truth?
Sleep was the only way to get way from all the pressure, all the people around me; Yelling, screaming, telling me how to live my life. That was what annoyed me the most. Did they truly feel that I was that irresponsible and immature? I have endured more than they have and I'm half their age.
It seemed reckless and ridiculous, to some extent, to argue with them. There was no winning with the adults that I am surrounded by. Unlike Christian and I, they were racist, sexist, homophobic and judgemental. Everything in a person that I despised. I held little hatred for them though; I figured that their futures were as bright as the night sky. Black, empty and containing a void that no one could fill.
Not that it really mattered to me. I understand them but I had not yet learned to like them. I know that I will never love them as I was supposed to but I hoped with all my heart that that would change.
The pressure. Oh, how it built inside me everyday. I was always aware of it, always felt it. The pressure was understandably getting to the folds of Christian's heart as well. It was palpable.
We trusted no one anymore. I'm surprised I even found the decency in my heart to trust Christian. It was not that I didn't trust him, but so many beloved people in my life had betrayed me. Yes, I knew I was becoming insecure but I could not help the conflicting emotions that rose from my heart and were shown on my doubt-filled face.
Yes, I can trust him. With my heart and my soul, if there were such a thing. I wasn't quite sure about what I really thought about a soul. I suppose they are real and true, but who is to say? No one knows and no one I know speaks the truth anymore. Except Christian.