coughs
by gellafish
"The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when the feelings are returned." — unrequited by resonae
taken from my tumblr
"I'm closing up." There is a tired delight in Hinata's soft voice, like sugar water mixed with honey and lemon. The kind that makes Sasuke feel less irritated about working part-time in Yamanaka's Flowershop as a form of punishment for being a murderous jerk. They tell him that the flowers were going to soften his steel-like personality. He tells them they're stupid.
They stop teasing him about it when they realized something has changed in Sasuke after working a few months in the shop. It's been three years now, and Sasuke, for the lack of better word, has gotten a bit kinder. Maybe there was something in Yamanaka's flowers that can dull the enemies' senses. Maybe it was just Hinata's kindness that rubbed off eventually on Sasuke.
"Are you finished cleaning up?" Hinata thinks Sasuke hasn't heard her, so she walks toward his station. But Sasuke hears her perfectly well. Amidst the proliferation of noise and stupidity the shop gathers in the middle of the afternoon (due to some remnants of Sasuke's popularity), it is always Hinata's meek tone of "Are you okay?" that stops Sasuke from actually burning the whole building down (and because she is polite enough to tell them to leave if they won't buy anything).
So when she approaches him with light concern, he straightens a bit to give a nod and his usual, "Hm." It elicits a gentle smile from her, the kind that makes him feel like something light and fluttery is swelling up in his throat, like ingestion or his heart.
What he doesn't expect is his whole body to tense up suddenly from the need to throw up, not because but also completely because of Hinata. He tries to keep it in for her sake, because he doesn't want to frighten her, but he couldn't, so he places both of his hands towards his mouth, pushing it back in whilst signaling her for water.
Hinata doesn't need the signal because when he started coughing, she runs into the back of the shop to get him a glass of tap water.
What a kind girl, Sasuke inwardly thinks when he's not dying from suffocation, removing his hand to throw up on the floor, what seemed to be a plethora of white petals. Lily to be specific.
How terrible, Sasuke realizes, quickly sweeping away the petals before Hinata arrives with his water.
"What happened?" The panic in her sweet tone troubles Sasuke. "You scared me."
"Sorry." Sasuke reassures her, placing the broom aside. "I choked on…dust. Ino should invest on a filter…" He reasons, fanning the invisible dust from himself while contorting his face into that of flamboyant disgust.
Hinata breathes a sigh of relief, then giggles, tells him he's very silly (which no one has the balls to do so, then again, Sasuke never lets anyone but Hinata experience this weird side of him), and helps him put away the cleaning tools so they can walk home together, since they now live in the same street, all the while through sheer will power he pushes back the petals that were slowly accumulating again in his lungs.
"You have to tell her." Dr. Haruno suggests. "You're going to die otherwise."
It's a bit morbid for Sasuke to hear those words from the same girl who had some sort of infatuation-obsession towards him for the last 10 years of their lives, a majority of which he was actually absent.
"Absolutely not." Sasuke says, almost uncharacteristically. And it startles him once the words left his mouth because he was always a straightforward, honest person; he just tends to keep things more to himself.
"That's self-destructive." Haruno doodles onto her clipboard as if she's writing something important, but really the idea of Sasuke in an unrequited romance, especially with Hinata, was Oscar-worthy comedy. It was like the universe finally realized Sasuke was an asshole and Hinata was his cosmic justice. "You're also going to hurt poor Hinata in the process, you selfish jerk. If she actually likes you, then you get to live 50 more years, hell—I'll promise to hold the reception if it happens. But if she rejects you, tough luck buddy. But hey, I'd volunteer to arrange your funeral. Either way, just get it over with and leave me alone."
Sasuke leans back on his chair, and laughs quite hoarsely and loudly, like an epiphany has pop a vein in his head, or maybe Sakura's toxic words had struck a nerve in him finally. But it did prompt him to think about it deeply.
He has been Hinata's…companion for three years now. They both hang out on Friday nights in his apartment eating grilled meat and watching soap operas that they hate so much. They talk about trivial things like the weather and if he has collected the recent newspaper coupons lately. She buys him grocery when Sasuke forgets he's a functioning human being who needs to eat. He waits by her apartment so they can walk to Yamanaka's together. He compliments her shoelaces offhandedly and she has to casually remind him that she's wearing sandals.
In the most clichéd sense, they're…friends. And maybe in the end, Hinata will only look at him as a friend.
And that somehow bothers Sasuke. Because maybe at one point, like a rude eureka in the middle of the night, that Sasuke wants to wake up every Saturday morning with Hinata beside him. That Sasuke wants to do normal, domesticated hobbies with Hinata doting on him. They (but mostly Hinata) can make their meals together because people who cook together stay longer together and Sasuke will not die from starvation anymore. In fact, they should just share an apartment together so Sasuke doesn't die from his lack of basic necessities.
He realizes that those little comments he always musters up to her are just excuses for him to say he actually, really likes her, maybe as a friend but also more than a friend.
And if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings, he can't blame her. Life is cruel that way and he has accepted that a long, long time ago. He can live with those unrequited feelings until he grows old and die a lonely man, or until he finally suffocates from the petals. Dying from heartbreak though is sadly pathetic, but Sasuke has always been a pathetic person.
"Or you know, you can choke to death until someone forces you to get the surgery." Sakura looks towards the window, a pained expression in her face upon remembering the event. "I mean, judging on how severe the infection is, it'll probably take an hour or two, 30 minutes top if you're that impatient. But…"
Sasuke thought about that too, even before he went to inquire her about the Hanahaki Disease. With the contagion outbreak that happened a few years ago, it has become commonplace for people to choose surgery to remove the infection. It's almost like it's just the logical thing to do.
Sasuke's never the logical one, even when others claimed him to be a genius. He's really not. He's quite a sentimental piece of shit, and dying as a hopeless romantic bleed more poetry than the boring, neo-nonconformist bullshit people put themselves through. Hell, they can write that in his gravestone: Uchiha Sasuke, last Uchiha child, notorious for almost destroying Konoha and the Shinobi world, died of heartbreak, may he rest in peace, or not.
Sad and pathetic, like him, but it'll go down in history.
"Sorry, I'll think about it." Sasuke pushes himself out of the chair and thanks her for her services. Sakura just sighs, and then nods to him with a smile, silently praying that he does find the resolve to do what he needs to do.
As Sasuke approaches the door, Sakura beckons him again.
"Look, I'm not blaming you. In fact, I just want to thank you, again, for saving me, and…" Sasuke can't see her face, his back still turned from her, but he can tell by the way her tone of hostility slowly softens that there is now just a trace of melancholy in her voice. "…and I'm…bitter, okay? But I'll get over it. You, however—you need to tell Hinata. It doesn't matter whether you like her or not. If she does, then the petal coughing will stop. If not, I'm always available to do surgery."
Sasuke doesn't say anything. One would think he is speechless at the moment, but in all honestly, he just doesn't know how to respond to that. She may have lost all of her feelings for the Uchiha, ones that even Sasuke finds endearing at some point in their lives when they were still immature and dumb, but he is still grateful to know that a part of Haruno Sakura still has his back. Always the supportive type, the one to continue chasing.
"But if you die because you're a fucking coward, even Hinata won't come to your funeral."
It was like tuberculosis. It was dormant and slow and festering like mold in a dark place and for Sasuke, it was a single petal at a time of confusion and frustration towards his growing feelings for the Hyuga girl. It happened quite rarely, almost like he doesn't have Hanahaki at all, which is why Sasuke never confronted to anyone about it. But once he realized that yes, maybe these feelings for her are true, that's when the problem started aggravating to a terrifying degree.
He has been resolved once it had worsened though. He knew for a fact that Hinata doesn't like him like how she loves Naruto. Maybe in the back of his mind, there is a probability that Hinata likes him back as well. But Sasuke has long given up on that wishful thinking. He has since accepted his doom.
Sakura still calls him an idiot, an endearment usually reserved for Naruto, but this time knowing it was towards him, there is something more to it than just the truth.
And there are basis to Sasuke's reasoning, and reasons for Sasuke opting not to go through surgery. It had nothing and everything to do with him being selfish, narrow-minded, idealistic, realistic, in love, in pain, and all at the same time. But whether telling Hinata or not is the best decision, he doesn't know. Because he doesn't know the outcome, and he is in fact scared of it.
So now Sasuke's stuck, specifically in Yamanaka's Flowershop. Hinata's in the backroom organizing sunflower seeds while Sasuke imagines shoving his fist down his throat so he would stop coughing.
He continues to cough and it worsens by the minute he's with Hinata.
"There's always a miniscule chance that it'll go away." He remembered Sakura telling him. "Feelings are fleeting; they rely on the person's constant presence and the situation's variables. But they eventually fade, whether by time or by choice, in my case, by surgery."
And Sasuke took that information to heart. Even if Hinata has grown to become a permanent fixture in his life in which he has no way of running away from, and damn if he doesn't actually try, but he knows Hinata would eventually wound up tired of his indifference towards her. She'd grow to resent his inability to care more than himself. She'd realize that Sasuke will never change. At this point, he'd start avoiding her like plague, treat her like she was imaginary, maybe unsubtly tell her that he doesn't want to see her ever again. She'll hate him and leave him, and hopefully, if he's lucky, she can take his feelings with her as well.
Sasuke coughs, knowing that will never work. In theory, it wasn't even ideal. In practice, that was even worse and would cause her to even stay more because she's Hinata and he's Sasuke and they're both polar opposites but the same and them being together could either spell perfection or destruction. And maybe that's why he doesn't want to do either.
Sasuke can't embrace it, avoid it, or fight it. Might as well keel over and die.
"Stop frowning. You're dampening the mood of the plants." Hinata pokes his side. Sasuke is thrown into a fit of violent coughs, some even escaping his grasp but he makes sure that they are hidden from Hinata's sight. When it finally stops, Hinata approaches him with a glass of water at hand but Hinata stops her from coming near.
"Don't—just, please." He sounds as if he's begging to her.
"S-sasuke…" Hinata shrinks backward, concern heavy in her worried expression. "You're scaring me. You…Are you sick? D-do you need help? S-sakura-san says that you've been dealing with…really hard stuff, a-and I just want, I mean if you want, I can help?"
Sasuke doesn't respond, but he grips the broom too tightly that Hinata can hear the wood crack under his strength.
"P-please. I want to…do something. You're always coughing and…maybe it's the flu? I can ask Sakura-san o-or I can make some herbal tea b-but—"
Sasuke says something incomprehensible under his cough and low tone and Hinata doesn't catch it. She asks what it was he said but when he does, he turns his head and quickly vomits out petals in front of her.
He immediately blacks out after.
"Please don't die. It's really pathetic." A familiar, scolding tone greets him in his wake. He feels the weight of the oxygen mask and the fluorescent lights on him, and the phantom warmth of someone's hand tangled with his.
"You're alive, though." Sakura said in the most obnoxiously cheeky tone. "Maybe there is some divine force behind love, huh?"
Sasuke knits his brows in confusion, to which Sakura responds, "Your breathing has stabilized, which is good. But that only depends on you. How are you doing exactly?"
The Uchiha was a bit silent, unsure of what to say. His fingers trace his throat, then lungs, and he feels his heart dropping into his stomach upon realizing…
"I didn't give you surgery. I'm not an asshole." Sakura spats, sounding very offended that Sasuke would think of her as such.
"W-where's Hinata?" Something lodges in his throat again, which forces Sakura to slap the clipboard at his head.
"God, just because it's stabilized doesn't mean you can go fuck it up again."
Sasuke lets out a groan, shifting his position and removing the oxygen mask from his face to talk better. "Whatever. Where is she? What did you tell her?"
"Home. And I told her nothing important except you wouldn't go through surgery…" Sakura tries dodging the question but Sasuke grabs her wrist and tightens his grip. Although he never means to, his Sharingan is activated, and it glares right back at her with intent to kill and it both scares and pisses her off.
"My Hanahaki. Did you tell her it was—"
"I didn't tell her anything else, fuckface. She already knew the moment both of you came here." Sakura throws off Sasuke's grip from her hand, massaging it with her fingers as it left a red mark around it. "There's no other reason for her to believe it was someone else."
Sasuke's face contorts back to confusion, and is unsure of how to even deal with it.
"Also, the cure for Hanahaki isn't supposed to work like that. It never does. I mean, the sheer force of love can't propel the infection to stop, right? Because love doesn't work like that…" Sakura explains like she is some kind of love methodist who has experienced all kinds and forms of love in all her reincarnations or something. "So, for the time being, your coughing has stabilized, but I can't guarantee it won't come back to kill you. So maybe use this time to, I don't know, decide on what you want to do. You scared a lot of people today with that coughing fit, hell, even Naruto stopped his meeting in the Summit just to visit you for a bit. I wouldn't be surprised when it relapses and you keel over and die."
Sasuke manages a chuckle, which somehow made Sakura laugh as well.
"No, really. Please talk to Hinata. She deserves to know as well."
Sasuke nods, still unsure of what his decision would be, or what Hinata's opinion might be.
"Who knows? Maybe love can save you."
When they meet, they meet again the next day in Yamanaka's Flowershop. Hinata has taken Sasuke's shift in the morning so she has been distracted by her own businesses while she awaits for Sasuke's return. However, she does not realize that Sasuke has returned.
"Hey," It was a low, almost laidback tone. As if he almost didn't die yesterday.
This doesn't quell the mixture of shock, anger, sadness, and joy in Hinata as she drops the carefully made bouquet she made on counter just so she can run and hug him. But she stops in front of him again when she sees him suddenly coughing, no longer violent, but the petals continue to fall from his lips.
"S-Sasuke…I—You should have told me!" Hinata screams, an accumulation to her mixed emotions.
"It wouldn't have made a difference." He tells her like it was a fact. But that only angers her more.
"Y-you…you can't decide that! I can…I c-can always try!"
Sasuke doesn't look at her, just looks at the flowers next to them. All of them bloomed beautifully in their pots and vases, but none as beautiful as the white petals that he would constantly cough out, a painful reminder of one beautiful white flower, Hinata.
"You love Naruto, you always have. And...I don't want to ruin that." Sasuke knows that it is the lamest excuse he can come up with, but it is the honest truth and he wants nothing more now than to be honest with her. For both their sakes. "Sometimes, I wish it could have been the other way, but—" Sasuke coughs out a few petals, "—sometimes, I wish I could just ignore it, long enough for it to go away…"
"But…it never does, huh?"
Hinata becomes quiet, because it's true, and she has done the same things, albeit differently, and the idea of dying wasn't foreign to her. In fact, she was totally prepared for when Naruto rejected her. Yet, he has come to accept Hinata and evething…is completely fine.
She still doesn't know Naruto's reason for loving her, but she's glad for it, which is why she can't allow Sasuke to die, thinking maybe Naruto would understand. After all, Naruto had done so much for her, saved her out of pure will and she's still here. She can do the same for his best friend.
"M-Maybe, if I knew about it, the outcome would have changed. You wouldn't have to suffer after all." Hinata tries to reach again, but it isn't enough for her to completely reach him.
"I wouldn't want that. Not from you." Sasuke says, feeling the petals in his throat once again. "I was perfectly content with keeping it to myself until my death. And I would be perfectly content if you reject me as well."
"But it hurts, not to be loved, right? I wouldn't want that for you. I wouldn't want that for anyone. That'd be so sad…"
"It's supposed to be." Sasuke laughs, but it is a sarcastic one. The kind that supposed to say how unbelievably ridiculous the situation is, like why couldn't they fall in love and not experience the physical pain of coughing out petals.
"I understand your sentiments. I just…don't understand why you have to go through such lengths. You can have surgery right?"
Rationally-speaking, he should. The topic of surgery would never cease the conversation no matter how many times he refuses. Because going through the surgery and getting rid of his infection rids the feelings he has as well. And he doesn't want to rid his feelings, the lightheartedness that comes from being young and happy and in love for being with Hinata. He also didn't want to get rid of the unpleasantness of being second place and angry and in pain for falling into an unrequited romance. That's just how life should be: you're born, grow up, fall in love, get hurt, and die. And for Sasuke's case, his lifespan fluctuates between 60 and 30 years because he doesn't know how to break it to Hinata without unintentionally manipulating her into reciprocating back his feelings. He doesn't want to force her to love him just because he was dying.
Sasuke coughs out a few petals. It gathers into his palms and Hinata helps him throw it away.
"I…I could."
Hinata tilts her head in concern, "So what's stopping you?"
"I don't know…" Sasuke lies perfectly. He forces himself not to look at the Hinata's pearl-like eyes, instead at the florals behind her. The bouquet she has been working on. A bouquet of white lilies. "I guess I'm scared."
Slowly, very subtly, Hinata holds his hands, which made him cough, one, two, three more times.
Sasuke is faces the blaring fluorescent lights again, lying on the hospital bed as he awaits for the surgery. In his peripherals, he sees both Haruno and Hinata, only it was Haruno who was approaching him first with an undeterminable look on her face, a cross between sadness and neutrality.
"Are you ready?" She asks him, but truthfully, he is always, never ready. "I know it's going to be hard, but once it's finish, you'd be really relieved. That's what is like for me, anyways."
Sasuke hasn't said the go, which would signal the team he's ready. Instead, he tells Sakura, "I'm sorry."
Sakura nods, emotion indecipherable but she turns away to look at Hinata. "Would you like to say something to Hinata before your operation?"
She doesn't wait for his response because Hinata runs towards him, her hands quickly tied to his and Sasuke starts to violently cough. Sakura gives him one minute to say whatever they needed to say.
When the coughing died down, Sasuke only had a few seconds left to ask Hinata, "I want to know…i-if Naruto isn't the person you love…is th-there any chance, y-you would love me back?"
Hinata pauses, thinking in a time where there is no time to think at all. But when she finally has an answer, Sakura pushes the wheeled bed and ushers her patient into the operating room, leaving Sasuke with the same ambiguity that had haunted him from the beginning.
When he awoke, he awakes in a white bedroom. The skies are setting, and his room is completely void of persons, but there was a lingering presence of someone who was once important to him.
Feeling a bit tired, even after hours of rest, he sinks comfortably into the pillow to sleep again, tilting his head to the side where his IV and a bunch of his things are seen.
The last thing he sees, on top of the small table, was a bouquet of lily flowers.
.
.
.