Spongebob Squarepants: Clark Kent

Gary: Shelby

Patrick: Chloe

Squidward: Lex

Mr. Krabs: Perry White

Krusty Krab: Daily Planet

Narrator: Me!!!

Announcer: Ah, the land. So fascinating. So wonderful. (the grass spreads apart and we see a small town) Here, we see Smallville, teeming with life (cut to Clark's farm, where we zoom in on his farm house), home to one of my favorite creatures, Clark Kent. Yes, of course he lives on a farm, you silly. (zoom into his house, where Clark is sleeping on a bed. An alarm clock is on a table to his left and there's a diving board at the head of his bed. On the floor is a dog, on some newspaper and hanging from the ceiling is a bird in a cage. Zoom into the alarm clock, where the minute hand finally reaches the '12.' Then, the giant bell bellows out its noises. For a bit, Clark remains asleep, but when the force of the blows knocks his blanket off him, he wakes up and turns off the alarm. He then proceeds to walk up his bed ladder.)
Clark Kent Today's the big day, Shelby! (referring to his doggy
Shelby Bark! (Clark is jumping on the diving board)
Clark Kent: Look at me! I'm... (jumps up, leaving his blue boxesr behind) ...naked! (he then proceeds to jump into a pair of already-laid-open pants. He runs into a weight room of sorts, but there are no barbells, only stuffed animals) Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Shelby

Shelby Bark! (Clark takes a deep breath and struggles to pick up the "weights." He finally does, but he's at the end of his rope. He manages to throw it in the air faintly and it falls on the floor with a little squeaking noise. Cut to outside)
Clark (off-screen) I'M READY! (Clark bolts out his front door and walks forward, and past Lex and Chloe's houses.) I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... (Chloe, overhearing, opens her door, where she's been sleeping)
Chloe Go Clark! (Cut to Clark looking at the Daily Planet.)
Clark There it is. The finest newspaper establishment ever established for reading. The Daily Planet. (cut to the Daily Planet, which is so sparkly and perfect. Then, it belches out a line of smoke.) Home of the Daily Newspaper. With a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the editor, look him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and I can't do this! (he runs, but Chloe blocks his way) Chloe!
Chloe Where do you think you're going?
Clark: I was just...
Chloe: (cutting him off) No you're not. You're going to the Daily Planet and get that job!
Clark: But I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Chloe: Whose first words were, "Lara?"
Clark: Mine were.
Chloe: Who made a newspaper out of printing paper?
Clark I did.
Chloe Who's a... (thinks) ...uh, who's... (thinks even harder) ...who's a loser?
Clark: I AM!
Chloe: Who's ready?
Clark: I'm ready!
Chloe: Who's ready?
Clark: I'm ready!
Chloe: Who's ready?
Clark: I'M READY!! (with his confidence restored, he runs toward the Planet. There, Lex is spraying the glass windows to eliminate graffiti of himself with the word 'Loser.' He sees Clark.)
Lex: Oh no, Clark. What could he possibly want?
Clark: (in background) Go Clark! Go Clark! Go self! Go self! (Lex noticed the 'Help Wanted' sign and runs inside.)
Lex: Mr. White! (cut to the office window, where Mr. White is smelling a handful of money. Lex runs up to him) Mr. White, before it's too late, I gotta tell you... (too late.)
Clark: (off-screen) Permission to come aboard, captain! (cut to Clark, casting a shadow across the press room) (manly voice) I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Planet Crew, (regular voice) And now I'm ready. (while walking, he accidentally steps on a nail. He trips and bounces all over the last. Lex and Mr. White just stare at each other. Clark finally comes to a stop) So, uh, when do I start?
Perry: Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your land legs.
Clark: Mr. White, please. I'll prove I'm paparazzi material. Ask Lex! He'll vouch for me.
(Perry and Lex walk to the corner, where Lex puts it plain and simple.)
Lex: No. (Perry winks. The two walk back over.)
Perry: Well lad, we'll give you a test and if you pass, you'll be on the Planet Crew! Go fetch me... (Clark pulls out a notepad) a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula with, ah, port-and-starboard-attachments, and turbo drive! And don't come back till you get one! (Perry puts a newspaper hat on Clark. Clark, overjoyed, looks at himself in the mirror. He then gets serious)
Clark: Aye aye, captain! (reading) One hydrodynamic spatula, port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir! (he leaves)
Perry: Hurry on! (to Lex) We'll never see that lad again.
Lex: You're terrible! A hydro-what? (the two laugh. Cut to outside, where Clark walks off. Just then, five buses come and encircle around the Planet. The doors open. Cut to Lex and Perry still laughing. Perry stops, then Lex.)
Perry: That sounded like hatch doors! (Perry smells something, then close in on his wiggling eyes.) Do you smell it? That smell. The kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells smelly. (his eyes bug open) (silently) Paparazzi. Lex: What?
Perry: PAPARAZZI!!! (the paparazzi come in, hoards of them, just swarming and swarming. Lex tries to maintain some order)
Lex: Please, please, quiet! (the Paparazzi stop bickering) Is this any way to behave, hmm?
Paparazzi: Meep!
Lex: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the coffee counter?
(moment of silence, then the paparazzi rock the ordering counter around a bit, very violently I might add. Cut to Clark, walking to a store shaped like a treasure chest.)
Clark: Barg'n Mart: meeting all your spatula needs. (cut back to Lex and Mr. White, stuck in the ordering counter and being swung across, literally a sea of Paparazzi.)
Lex: One single file line was all I asked! (cut to the counter being thrown up)
White: Button down the hatches, Mr. Luthor! (getting thrown back up, the counter is in pieces) We're taking on water, Mr. Luthor! (getting thrown back up again, Perry is holding Lex) I want my mommy, Mr. Luthor! (cut back to Clark, shopping)
Clark: (humming) Spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments (cut back to the
restaurant, where Lex and White are hanging onto a pole)
Perry: Climb, Mr. Luthor! Climb! (they do climb and tidal wave after tidal wave of paparazzi nears closer and closer) Well, this is the end. Good-bye, Mr. Luthor!
Lex: Oh Mr. White! (the two start to cry. Then, some blinking red lights from off-screen illuminate the two. They look up to see, Clark with the spatula he was sent off to receive. He's using it as a propeller to keep him in air. He sings a tune as he arrives.)
Clark: Did someone order a spatula? (Lex and Mr. White babble to themselves on how he obtained this) One hydrodynamic spatula with (two other spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one) port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! (the two extending spatulas whirl around and smack Lex and Perry around) Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! (Clark makes a double-spin and flies into the kitchen window) (to paparazzi) Who's thirsty?
(a song starts as Clark flies through the ordering window. He lands in a box of coffee beans which come up in two piles impaled on his eyes. He proceeds to bug out his eyes in order to pop the beans onto the pan. Clark makes home made coffee and pours into mugs He shoots it out the window and it lands into a paparazzi's mouth. He then proceeds to make more coffee until all the paparazzi is served. As if to be a gun, Clark blows on the end of his spatula.)
(Later, Lex, Perry and Clark stand by the restaurant. The ordering counter has been totally totaled and there's a giant sack of money next to it.)
Perry: That was the greatest press handling I've ever seen, Mr. Kent! Welcome aboard! (Perry gives him a nametag with 'Clark Kent' written on it.)
Lex: But Mr. White-
Perry: Three cheers for Clark! Hip-hip!
Lex: (weakly) Hooray, Mr.-
Perry: Hip-Hip!
Lex: (quickly) Hooray, Mr.-
Perry: Hip-hip!
Lex: (quickly) Hooray, Mr. White!
Perry: I'll be in my quarters, counting the booty. (he proceeds to drive a wheelbarrow full of money into his office. Then, Chloe walks in.)
Chloe: Good morning, Daily Planet!
Lex: What would you like, Chloe?
Chloe: One newspaper and a cappuchino. (as if as a signal, Clark flies back through the ordering window via the coffee maker. Cut to outside, where Chloe gets hit by a wave of coffee mugs and is flung out the door.)
Lex: Mr. White! Mr. White! Mr. White, come see your new reporter...