Title: No Regrets
Author: Nightshade sydneylover150
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek (TOS by Gene Rodenberry and AOS by JJ Abrams and Paramount Pictures).
Betas: Mashkitty (completed) and Tigerbear (pending)
Summary: Despite what all his old crew would think (and probably still thought), Jim had no regrets.
Warnings: Sweet angst. Seriously, it is sweet and angsty.
Dedicated: To those who know themselves enough to know their desires. (Cryptic, huh?)
A/N: First Star Trek story. I ask you to please read, review, and provide constructive criticism. All flamers' comments will be used to heat my frigid apartment.
Despite what all his old crew would think (and probably still thought), Jim had no regrets. He knew when Spock and he had disagreed about having children that their relationship was coming to an end. He knew he couldn't make Spock truly happy because Spock wanted to have children and well…. To put it simply, Jim didn't.
Jim tried to end the relationship on good terms and on his end he did. The problem was that Spock would not accept that Jim could love him and not be willing to give up his stance on not wanting children. How could Spock's "soulmate" be so cruel as to end a relationship because of "fear." Soon after the break-up Spock applied to be transferred. Jim was already getting harassed and, for lack of a better term, bullied by the crew for ending the relationship.
'He's too much a whore to be willing to settle down. Poor Spock he should have known.'
'So selfish, he does not even care about Spock's needs. Probably wants to be free to bang the next ambassador that comes by.'
Even Jim's best friend Bones turned against him.
'Why would you end the best thing in your life because you are 'afraid?' I'm disgusted in you.'
So in the end Jim denied Spock's transfer request and placed his own. In the end, Jim willingly gave Spock his one treasured possession as an offering for the harm he had caused. Because it seemed even in the Twenty-Fourth Century no one is willing to consider that someone does not want to have children. Instead of journeying across the Universe, Jim found solace in teaching and soon became an admiral.
Years passed and time moved on. Throughout Jim watched as Spock healed and became happy once more. Spock and his crew welcomed and celebrated Spock's marriage and children.
Every time Jim saw a holo of Spock with his children, the Admiral would smile as he saw the happiness exude from his old friend's eyes. Jim still had no regrets despite not having companionship of his own. All that mattered was that Spock was happy.
The two old friends met once again when Jim was forty-five and Spock was forty-eight. The Admiral met Spock with joy where as Spock met him with cold distain. Spock's wife and children gave the Admiral looks of cool disinterest. Jim was to observe the Enterprise as it took Ambassadors and other political entities to a conference at Babel. The crew of the Enterprise treated him coldly, but Jim did not say a word. They were loyal to their captain; it was as it was supposed to be.
It was only five days into the journey when the Enterprise was attacked. Scotty was gravely injured and someone needed to fix a heavily damaged block of engineering while others struggled to re-align the warp core. Jim had quickly slipped into action mode as engineering was dealt blow after blow.
Despite having not been on the ship for years, Jim still knew his way around the Enterprise. Jim entered into the engineering block with the knowledge that the engineers were handling the warp core. It could be re-aligned from the outside, but required multiple "hands on deck" to complete the task. This left Jim as the only person who realized that there was an issue in the engineering block. Jim quickly entered into the engineering block and started repairs. What was important was that the Enterprise survived so Spock's family would survive.
Jim painstakingly fixed the areas damaged in the block, dodging falling debris as the ship continued to be hit by enemy fire. Jim managed to fix the majority of the internal hull and circuitry which was damaged in the fire fight. The Admiral started to make his way out of the engineering block when the next round of enemy fire came causing a section of engineering's walkway to fall and crush Jim beneath it.
When Jim awoke, he found Spock staring at him.
"Why?" The monotone voice asked. For a moment Jim could pretend that this was the being that once cared for him.
"Why what?" Jim asked playfully through the pain in his abdomen.
"Why were you in engineering Admiral?" And with that Jim was back to the reality where Spock hated him. "Why would you go into danger when you so willingly abandoned this ship twelve years ago?"
Jim decided it would be best to be truthful. "I had to keep it safe."
"Why would it matter to you? You willingly abandoned all of us. You showed us that you never even cared after we allowed you into our hearts." Hurt was evident in those brown eyes.
"It matters because your family is here. You are here. My old crew is here. Your crew is here." Jim stated simply.
Jim saw the moment when that sadness became anger. "You did not care before Admiral. You ended our relationship because you feared having children and now you attempt to re-enter my life when I am at my happiest and say you are doing it for my family, my crew, and me. It is illogical."
Despite knowing that Spock would never accept his answer, Jim again spoke plainly. "I never stopped loving you Spock. I chose to let you go because we had different desires. You wanted to have children. I didn't. I never have wanted children."
'Never let it be said that I accept no win scenarios.'
Still his answer shouldn't have sparked the response he received from Spock.
"You were just afraid."
"No, I never wanted to resent you or whatever potential children you would want to bring into the world," Jim stated emphatically, despite knowing his words would not penetrate the hardness that had set itself around Spock's heart. "I ended our relationship so you could find someone who would want to have children. Who would have children with you and not resent them. Just because I didn't want children, does not mean that I did not love you. I left the Enterprise because the crew's loyalty was to you. As it should have been as they endorsed you as the true captain"
"Surely, as a human you should resent what you have given up due to your selfishness." Spock's words were haughty, as if he knew some truth that Jim could never fathom. Jim did not understand why Spock was so determined to believe that Jim had intentionally set out to hurt the Vulcan.
Looking directly at his love and soldiering on through the pain in his abdomen, Jim spoke once more. "I regret nothing Spock because I have watched all the holos of your children, your wife, and you being happy. How can I resent that someone I love is happy? Now that is illogical."
Jim was beginning to feel very tired and weary. His eyes wanted to close.
"Surely you should have realized you lost your chance at happiness."
All Jim wanted to do was sleep, but he had enough energy to smile.
"I found my happiness when I allowed you to have yours Spock."
"I do not believe that you are being truthful" Spock angrily stated.
Jim was having difficulty keeping his eyes open.
"Look Spock, you have my permission to search my mind if you wish to do so. But don't dictate my feelings to me."
"I would not touch you mind if you were the last person in the galaxy after you hurt me." Spock practically snarled. Jim had to admit that one hurt, but the pain would be worth it if he was right.
As Jim's eyes began to close, he asked one simple question.
"Spock? Are you happy?"
"Affirmative. I am quite happy with my wife and children. Your presence here means nothing to me."
Jim felt his lips curl into a sad, but loving smile as his eyes closed, "Then your happiness is all that matters to me."
Soon after Jim died, Captain Spock, his wife, children, and crew sent the Admiral into the black with little more than the cursory ceremony that was due to him, as the Admiral had hurt many of them.
Only later when a crew member found documents, photo books, and a will addressed to Spock did Spock, his family, and his crew realize their mistake.
One document would forever haunt Spock's mind was a photo album of Spock with his children and his wife which held the Admiral's will in it. A will that left everything to his beloved Spock and the family that Jim gave up Spock's love to give the Vulcan.
The End
Last A/N: I needed to get this out of my system. I've read a lot of stories where Jim does not want to have children at the start of the story and then miraculously loves having children at the end. I wanted to change the dynamic and have Jim being willing to allow the love of his life go in order for Spock to have what he desires children. This isn't saying that the other stories aren't great, because they are. I just wanted to have one where Jim wasn't afraid of having children, he just did not desire to have them at all and was secure enough to stand up and say it.
Ironically enough, this isn't how I intended for the story to end. It ended this way because Jim and Spock are too pig-headed to allow it to go any other way.
Please read and review!