Better Left Unsent
I look at you, Sakura, and it makes me wonder. I love you as you love Syaoran and I realise I don't have a chance. You're my mistress, my responsibility, and you'll never love me like you would him. Your warm smile, your sweet personality, your beautiful eyes. I hate how you'll always only look at me as a guardian. A friend, as you had said during judgement.
You use to love me, but I was only Yukito, not having enough power to return to my true form. You thought I didn't know but I did. I did have feelings for you. Yukito may not have, but I did. Yukito, to me, was a container. His presence forced me to only watch. I watched you as was dormant in side him. And unseen pair of eyes watching through Yukito's glasses. Your blush, your laugh, your warmth and power.
I wish with all my heart that it could have been different. I wanted to be with you. To support you when you were down. To be the person you came running to when things went wrong. But that will never happen. Not now.
I blame it on Yukito, for all it's worth. He may be the other half to me but it doesn't mean I like him. I loathe him for turning you down. For telling you that he was not the one you truly loved. All this because he later insisted on loving your brother, Touya. You ran off crying and I wished so badly that I could have left Yukito and ran after you. To comfort you and tell you he was wrong. But I couldn't. Again, I could only watch.
I watched as you grew and fell in love. I watched as you went places with Syaoran. I remember the car crash, the confessions, the fights and the anger. I remember you pouring your heart out to him. I watched helplessly as he confessed his true love and as he asked for your hand in marriage. I was then forced to watch the wedding, the years of happiness. Your two children. I was forced again to watch this happy family thrive and laugh while I was suppressed and trapped.
After your twenty-fifth birthday, I forced myself to become dormant again. I couldn't stand to see you happy, meanwhile I was alone and depressed. I stayed that way for twenty long years. When I finally was able to look at you again, I found your father gone and that you were sick.
To my surprise, you asked to speak to me. I, for the first time in about twenty years, resumed true form. You spoke to me, told me what had happened over the past two decades and began to cry. You had never cried at your father's funeral, nor when Tomoyo left for London. You had just smiled and wished her good luck; meanwhile she was in near hysterics.
Twenty years of grief came pouring out. Your family had been picture perfect. You told me that you were always there for your family and so was he. Your children grew up to be intelligent and successful. They had just moved out when Syaoran left to go to Hong Kong for business. When he returned, you noticed he was different. No longer was he sweet and close to you, but harsh and distant. You suspected that something had happened on the trip and your instincts were right. He was having and affair with his ex-fiancée, Li Meiling.
You confronted him, full of disgust and he admitted to it. You had no choice, you kicked him out. Afterwards, you went into a depression. You shut yourself off from the world and stayed that way for seven years before falling ill.
I wanted to hunt him down and hurt him for this. I wanted to yell at him but all I could do was hug you and tell you everything was okay. My mind flashed back to when Syaoran purposed. He had promised you forever but now that was over.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when all this happened. I torment myself ay and night for not being there for you. I'm sorry for not telling you my true feelings. I hate myself now for all it's worth. But I can't change the past, no matter how much I want to.
Maybe it was because it hurt as I watched you live your life happily while I was miserable. Maybe it was because I always felt that you were my mistress and that you could never love me. Maybe I denied the fact that you would ever love me in return with the same emotions. I decided that night that in the morning I would confess my feelings to you. I would write down all this information and give it to you. It would fell good to get all these confusing feelings out. You died in my arms that night.
Now I'll never be able to tell you my feelings. I loved you beyond the reaches of my heart. As I held you lifeless hand that lonely night, I picked up a pen and wrote down everything. I promised myself that I'd never forget you and that I'd never stop loving you for eternity. As for this letter, well I think now, that it would better be left unsent.
Teal Dream
~ "It wasn't coincidence, only the inevitable."