Author's Note:

I know that this idea has probably been done before, but I couldn't help myself. I want to explore the idea of Derek and Meredith being married from the start. This chapter covers 1x01, 1x02, 1x03.

Summary:

Once happily married, Meredith Grey-Shepherd can no longer stand the way her marriage has faded away into nothing in a few short months. Deciding she's had enough, Meredith takes the steps to end things between her and Derek. When the cause of their misunderstanding is revealed, the question of whether or not she and Derek really have a chance to repair the damage to their marriage leaves Meredith wondering if things can be fixed or if she'll be forever haunted by their one last night...

Chapter I

"…Alarms will ring for eternity
The waves will break every chain on me
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now
And God knows it's the only way to heal now
With all the blood I lost with you
It drowns the love I thought I knew…"

~ "My Blood" – Ellie Goulding

June 14, 2005

Meredith Grey-Shepherd had been married long enough to know when something was seriously bugging her husband.

Having met her husband at twenty, she'd known from the start that the odds would always be stacked against them. A twenty-nine year old, fourth year resident, and a twenty year old pre-med student had been an odd sort of combination, but his family had supported them. His sisters became her sisters and Mark Sloan had practically become a brother to her. Within two years they'd gotten married and they'd supported each other. Through thick and thin, they'd gotten through the best and crappy things that life had to offer, but at that moment, Meredith wasn't sure about the future. She wasn't sure what was happening to them. At the beginning of April, Derek had suddenly announced that they were moving to Seattle. He'd simply told her that he'd gotten the job as the head of the Neurosurgery Department at Seattle Grace Hospital. A few phone calls and she'd been able to transfer her residency across country, but Meredith had been haunted by an awful feeling the whole time. It was as if something deep inside her had been saying that something horrible was going to happen.

That premonition had come true in the form of her internship.

New York seemed like a dream compared to what was happening around her now. In New York, they'd been so happy. A brownstone near Central Park and the family that surrounded them was gone. Meredith still was able to call his sisters and her friends, but it wasn't the same thing as seeing those people in person. It had all changed one night in February when he'd come home late one night from a surgery, something had been different. They'd been at dinner with Mark and Addison when he'd gotten a page from the hospital. Something had been off then, but Meredith had ignored it. The next day, Derek had been moody and distant with her. Thinking that he'd lost his patient, Meredith had called Addison to get a pedicure done with her, but just mentioning Addison's name had sparked the mother of all fights between them. Since that day, Derek had been cold towards her. Meredith couldn't understand what had happened. Two months later in April, Derek had come home and announced that they were moving to Seattle for a job opportunity that he'd been offered by Richard Webber. Meredith had been angry, but for the sake of peace between them, she had agreed. The next week had been her graduation from medical school and Derek had missed it for a surgery that a resident could have done.

Alone, she'd packed up their life and had moved across the country with him. He'd bought them a trailer to live in along with forty acres of land. Isolated, the trailer felt uncomfortable and closed off from the world. On their second day in Seattle, Derek had started working at the hospital and she was reminded all over again of his residency. In a few short months, they'd gone from happily married to having stepped into some alternate reality. Pulling off her gloves from Katie Bryce's surgery, Meredith fought back tears. For the first time, she seriously wondered if her marriage was over. She hadn't learned anything from the surgery. Instead, she'd been subjected to a humiliating interrogation. Derek had fielded questions at all of the interns, but he'd reserved the hardest ones for her. His questions had been incredibly complex and when she hadn't answered them as quickly as he'd liked…Derek had been harsh. He'd yelled at her for not being prepared. The look on the faces of everyone around her had been pity and it had been humiliating.

She'd thought that he had been giving the impression that he'd been leaning towards leaving her, but she'd dismissed it.

Two weeks before starting her internship, Derek had told her that it would make their lives easier if she took her maiden name at work. Being call Grey instead of Shepherd would lead to less confusion among the staff. It had been impossible to disagree with his logic and she'd agreed. After her very first surgery though, Meredith wondered if there had been another reason that Derek wanted her to be 'Doctor Meredith Grey' instead of Shepherd. Scrubbing out and escaping, Meredith walked blindly down the hall towards the intern locker room. Empty, she let out a sigh of relief as she pushed a bathroom stall open and closed it behind her. Sinking back on the door, she ignored everything around her and closed her eyes. Tears prickled the back of her eyes and she refused to let them fall. She wasn't going to give Derek the satisfaction of knowing that he'd gotten to her. He wasn't going to get anymore tears from her. In the past few weeks, he'd gotten enough tears from her to fill an ocean. She had nothing left to give him because she'd given him everything that she possibly could. For six years they'd been married and she'd given him every part of her. Even the past few months, she'd tried to give him everything. She'd tried to go on like nothing was wrong and it hurt to finally acknowledge that nothing was okay like she'd told herself it had been for so long. Denial had been the one tool that she'd used to get through the past few months and Derek had shattered the final wall that kept her denial in firm place. Taking the blue surgical cap off her head, Meredith jumped at hearing the door to the locker room open.

"Can you believe him? What an ass!"

The voice of Isobel Stevens floated to her ears and Meredith silently agreed with her. Her dreamy husband was an ass.

"Can you imagine how he is with his wife? God! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes," Cristina Yang scoffed in response. "Dude is probably just as much as an ass at home."

"I feel bad for her."

Meredith nearly snorted at Izzie's words. The world had no idea that she and Derek were married. They had no idea that he'd been an extremely loving husband until a few short months ago. They had no idea. Changing her name to Grey had prevented anyone from even guessing. Despite the fact that she had figured out Derek's case on the first day, Derek's little stunt in the OR had thrown anyone off the path of guessing they were even remotely together.

"He isn't such a dreamy guy, is he?"

"He's an ass." Stevens agreed. "Where do you think Meredith went?"

"Probably hiding away so she never has to see his face again," Cristina said as she slammed a locker closed.

Hearing both women leave, Meredith stood up straight and let out a deep breath. Her first instinct was to call Addison and have it all out over a bitching session, but she didn't want to look weak. She could call any one of his sisters and complain, but that would look bad. Complaining about her attending on the first day to the attending's family because he was being an ass wasn't something that she wanted to be a part of. Instead, Meredith silently told herself that Derek was having a bad day.

Deep down, she didn't believe a word of it, but it was the only thing that she could tell herself.

Meredith stood folding the laundry from the dryer. It was late and Derek wasn't home yet. In the past, he always called or had a scrub nurse call to make sure that she knew he would be late. That was the past. Now, not calling or anything was normal. It was normal for him to sleep on the very far side of the bed…that was if he even slept at home. He was always up before her to make sure that they didn't have interactions that were more than a few syllables. They drove separately to work and Derek made sure that they didn't even take the same ferry. Hearing the phone ring, she grabbed her cell phone and looked at the screen.

Mama Shepherd.

Hitting the silence button, Meredith ignored the guilty feeling in her chest. Derek's mother had been calling nonstop leaving messages and wanting to know how things were going in Seattle. The only thing that Meredith knew was that if she picked up the phone, Mrs. Shepherd would see through the walls that Meredith had managed to put up and the tight control that she'd had over her emotions would crumble. She couldn't afford for that to happen. If Derek saw any weakness, she was sure that he'd use it to his advantage. She'd never fought with him like they were. He'd never acted towards her the way he was acting now and Meredith wanted him to have as little ammunition to hurt her because all he seemed capable of doing was hurting her these days.

June 18, 2005

"She's gonna spend a hell of a long time in recovery and rehab if she even makes it through this," Derek announced as the stood in surgery. Meredith stood with her arms crossed as she watched both Burke and Derek work to save the rape victim's life.

"She's made it this far," Burke commented with optimism. "She's a warrior. See her hands? She fought back."

"Her rape kit came back negative. She kicked his ass!"

"Her name is Allison." Meredith spoke up and instantly regretted it.

"You shouldn't get too attached to your patients, Doctor Grey," Derek spoke up. "It's unprofessional."

Meredith looked down at her feet because she didn't even want to look at her husband. His words didn't hurt. It was the tone and the cold way he said it that hurt...the look in his eyes. She heard Burke announce that he'd found the cause of the rupture and looked up. Her eyes went wide knowing exactly what Burke had just pulled out of Allison.

"Oh my God," Meredith murmured. "She bit it off."

"What?" Burke asked looking confused.

"That's the guy's penis," she told Burke.

Forty-five minutes later, Meredith was sincerely regretting ever identifying the man's penis. She now had custody of the damn thing and she wanted nothing more than to leave it alone. Derek had assigned her all of his cases while he sat with the girl and made sure that she was okay. He'd also assigned her to do some of his department paperwork which he knew that she disliked. Being forced to read boring summaries about surgeries and research wasn't something that she enjoyed doing. She'd have to make further summaries about what she'd read and hand it off to him by the end of the day. The only reason Derek had assigned her to do it was because she knew what she was looking for. He'd brought home plenty of department work in the past and in the past it had always ended up with them having sex in the living room. Meredith very much doubted that she'd be getting a happy ending out of doing Derek's work. Looking into the ICU room where Allison slept, she easily spotted Derek by the door watching the girl sleep.

"How is she?" Meredith asked softly. "She hasn't woken up?"

Derek looked up at her words and he couldn't hide the annoyed look on his face very well. Meredith wanted to flinch at the look he gave her. Six months ago, he would have greeted her with a soft smile and instead of an awkward silence they'd be softly speaking about Allison's outcomes. Derek would then ask her how her day was going and eventually he'd tease her about carrying around a guy's severed penis all day. However, that wasn't going to happen. Standing in silence for a moment longer, Meredith opened her mouth to speak again.

"I-"

"If you need more work to do I am sure I can find you something," Derek cut her off. "I don't need you hanging around like a lost dog. Go, Grey."

Meredith took one hard look at the bed where Allison lay before shaking her head and leaving. She wanted to yell at him and throw an object at him. Never before in the six years that they'd been married had she ever wanted to physically inflict pain on him, but today she did. His words were like poison between the two of them. Turning the corner, she nearly walked into Burke and grinned because he was just the surgeon that she needed to see about a baby.

June 19, 2005

It was early in the morning when Meredith made her way back to the ICU. She had been right about the baby's heart murmur and Burke was letting her in on the surgery. Derek had never come back to the trailer the night before and she suspected that he'd stayed and monitored Allison.

"Have you been here all night?" she asked gently as she set the coffee she'd gotten for him down on the small desk that he was working on from outside Allison's room.

"Yep," Derek said in a short, clipped tone. He didn't say anything else and the hope that had been inside her that morning died a little more. Every day, Meredith woke up hoping that it would be the day that Derek would act like his normal self. She hoped every morning that he would explain exactly what was happening. Every day, he disappointed her and Meredith was being to feel like a car accident victim. The constant whiplash was beginning to hurt her. His words, looks, and coldness were wearing on her last thread of hope. Looking at him, she wondered if they were beyond saving. For just a moment, Meredith entertained the thought of leaving him and found that she liked the idea better and better every time she thought of it. It would mean that she didn't have to spend her time worrying about Derek. She wouldn't have to feel like she was walking on egg shells around him all the time. There wouldn't be any worrying about him having the chance to hurt her anymore. Meredith could hear Addison and Derek's sisters in her head telling her that she was running, a habit that she had long since broken, but she didn't care.

She wanted to run.

Being around Derek was painful and it wasn't like it used to be. The trust that had once existed between them had been completely severed and there was a great canyon of space between them that seemed insurmountable to pass over. More so, Meredith wasn't even sure that she wanted him back. She wasn't sure that she wanted to have her name next to his on bills or party invitations. She wasn't sure that she wanted to continue to sign their names together on birthday cards or thank you cards after Christmas.

"There's this baby in the nursery upstairs. He's brand new. No one's neglected him or damaged him yet. How do we get from there to here? She's wearing shoes that are exactly the same as my own...someone has beaten the crap out of her. She's got nobody." Meredith said to him softly, "I have to go. The police want the penis."

She turned swiftly on her heel and walked away from him before he could see her tears. She wasn't going to allow him to see her cry. She was done crying. She was done with Derek Shepherd. Knowing what she had to do, Meredith opened her phone as she got on the elevator and dialed.

"You've reached Addison Montgomery, if this is an emergency please hang up and call 911. If not, please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible. Thank you."

Disconnecting the call, Meredith let her head rest against the wall of the elevator and silently begged Addison to call her back. She needed advice about how to go about getting a divorce from across the country.

Derek stood at the nurse's station on the phone. He was giving orders to a resident, but his mind was elsewhere. Meredith's coffee that she'd delivered sat untouched before him and it wasn't because he didn't want it. Quite the contrary, he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to down the coffee that he knew had two sugars in it. Meredith always knew how he liked his coffee. He could remember the long hours of his own residency and he'd lost track of the number of times she'd brought him coffee. If anything, it should have been him bring her coffee.

No, he wasn't drinking the coffee because he didn't deserve it.

It had been months since that fateful February night when he'd overheard his sisters and Addison discussing her separation from Mark. Addison had sat and praised Meredith to the high heavens over her support and subsequent role in the breakup. He'd grown sick listening to Addison call Meredith a 'friend and a true sister'. The whole thing had left a sour taste in his mouth that hadn't gone away since. That night, Mark's excessive drinking had finally made sense and hearing that Meredith had played a role in the breakup of his best friends' marriage had sent Derek seeing red. The next night, he'd gotten a page from the hospital later over dinner where he'd forced himself to act normal. After surgery, he'd overheard a few of the scrub nurses talk about the breakup and it had sent him back to the angry dark hole that he couldn't seem to remove himself from. He was angry at her because Mark was his brother and it felt like she had betrayed him as well. Every time he saw her, all Derek could see was Mark seated with a glass of scotch drowning his pain. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair that Addison was able to be so happy after the separation. It wasn't fair that Addison and Meredith went shopping and laughed so freely while Mark hurt. It hadn't started as being intentional and it never was, but every time she came around him, Derek felt like he had no control of himself. He was short with her and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

At home, he ignored her and half the time, he didn't know what to say. He'd tried to come up with something to say. Every time he thought he had the words, Mark's face would flash before his eyes and all the anger he'd thought he was over would return. Deep down, he knew that it was irrational of him to blame Meredith, but she had played a part in Mark and Addison breakup. His friends had barely been married a year when he'd overheard the conversation between Addie and his sisters. A day later, Mark drunkenly confirmed the announcement. Neither he nor Meredith had let on that they'd known anything. Instead, they'd let Addison and Mark take them out to dinner. That night had changed everything and Derek wasn't sure how to return things back to normal. It was exhausting being angry at Meredith and he just didn't know how to stop. Looking up, he saw Allison slowly waking up and hung up the phone. He crossed his arms over his chest and stepped into the room with a gentle smile on his face. She was fighter and he had no doubt that she would overcome what had happened to her. Derek could feel it deep in his chest as he watched her blink tiredly at the ceiling.

"Welcome back," he told her softly.

June 21, 2005

"Morning, Doctor Bailey," Derek greeted as he took a sip of his had already been gone when he'd woken up. It wasn't unusual anymore for him or her to wake up alone with cold sheets. He'd started the avoidance process and she was simply following the behavior that he was giving her. There had been one too many times that they'd been together and there simply wasn't enough space in the trailer for two people to get ready. They had tried and it had ended with him yelling at her and Meredith slipping into the shower. Derek had heard her muffled sobs and he'd left.

"Shut up."

"You realize that I'm an attending and you're only a resident? You work for me, remember?"

"I know I've forgotten something. Something is happening today. I know I should, what it is, but I just can't…" Bailey trailed off and Derek shook his head. He liked Bailey. He was happy that Meredith was Bailey's intern because Bailey was a good resident. Oh, he'd dreamed of the day that he'd be able to take Meredith under his wing, but he doubted that she'd be letting him teach her anytime soon.

"Nice talking with you, Bailey."

Before he could take a step, a biker whizzed past him and Bailey yanked him back.

"Watch out, Doctor Shepherd!"

She began mumbling about idiots and natural selection as Derek looked around him. People sped past them on bikes and cars honked their horns.

"Dead Baby Bike Race!" Bailey exclaimed heatedly. "I knew it! Bunch of damned fools on bikes trying to kill everyone else!"

Derek looked at Bailey like she'd grown a third head before stepping off the curb and crossing the street to the hospital. He was hoping to have a word with Richard about flying back to New York for Christmas this year and wanted to put the request in as early as possible. His cell phone had begun to erupt with phone calls from his mother and sisters begging to know when exactly he and Meredith would be back for a visit. There was one thing that Derek had learned being surrounded by so many women and it was always to have an answer prepared before stepping into the fray. The only small blessing that Derek could think of was that his sisters and mother didn't have his pager number or his office number to get a hold him.

"This is a surgical case and you know it!" Meredith shot back angrily at Alex.

She wasn't in the mood to play games with him. She'd been up half the night debating on whether or not to call Addison again and ask for help with finding a good divorce lawyer in New York considering that was where she'd been married. It had only been three days, but Meredith felt as if a weight had been lifted off her chest knowing that she'd finally come to terms with what she needed to do. Oh, there had been plenty of tears and crying. The shower had been her only cover when Derek was around. Knowing that she was doing the right thing was hard, but after four months of living with Derek and being shut out, Meredith was done. She was running and she wasn't going to let him back in.

"It's totally superficial," Alex said as he pushed the curtain out of the way and looked at the young British guy that was the patient. Quickly, he yanked the small pieces of metal out of the guys abdomen and Meredith resisted the urge to scream.

"How do you know that those didn't rupture his peritoneum?" she demanded as she watched Alex drop the metal prongs into a metal dish.

"Just sew him up," Alex scoffed. "Let him get back to his race."

"Good man!" the Brit yelled as Alex walked away leaving Meredith flabbergasted at what Alex had just did. Something inside told her that he was having internal bleeding and quickly, Meredith secured a private room for her to treat the man in. Gathering supplies and quickly fixing the bleeding, Meredith shook her head as she tried to talk the guy into letting her take him down for tests. Derek had once told her to always go with her gut instinct and in this case, her gut was telling her that this guy was going to die because he wouldn't let her take him for a C.T. scan.

"I really think that you should get the tests," Meredith sighed again as she nearly finished putting in the last stitch. "It's important."

"No, thank you, darling," the man grinned as he tried to flirt. "And by the way, you are a rockin' babe."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at his words and couldn't help but to smile. She was flattered and it had been a long time since any guy, including Derek, had told her that she was good looking. She felt the familiar rush knowing that someone wanted her. The warm feeling she always felt inside when Derek told her she was beautiful surfaced and Meredith couldn't help but to push the feeling away. Derek wouldn't be saying those words to her anytime soon and if the divorce worked out the way she had it planned in her head, the only time they would ever see each other would be in a professional capacity.

"Seriously?" she asked him as she arched brow. "Do you actually think you have a shot?"

"Oh, I'd like to think that I have a shot anywhere."

She would give it to the British man, he was certainly a first class flirt. Trying once again to convince him to have a C.T. scan, Meredith rolled her eyes as he declined her request and insisted he had to get back to the race.

"Why? You can't win now anyways."

"Doesn't mean that I can't cross the finish line," he grinned. "There is a party at the finish line…do you wanna meet me there?"

A blush crept up her checks and Meredith shook her head, "I'm married."

"So? It's never stopped me before. Besides, the frat guy said I could go."

"The 'frat guy' and my husband are asses. Doesn't mean that they're right about everything."

"Oh, marital discord, love. Come have a few drinks with me and we can talk it over."

Rolling her eyes again, Meredith grabbed a clip board that had the A.M.A on it that she'd wisely grabbed before beginning her sutures.

"Sign this."

"Anything for you, love."

He quickly signed off as Meredith threw out her supplies and he stood up. She watched him walk towards the door before turning back and taking to quick strides towards her. His hand cupped the back of her neck and his arm encircled her waist. His lips crashed into hers and for one moment, Meredith let herself enjoy it. She let herself enjoy the feeling of his soft lips against hers and the way his stubble felt against her skin. All too soon, the kiss was over and he pulled away with a cocky grin on his face.

"For good luck, love."

In a heartbeat, he was gone and left her smiling like an idiot in the middle of the room. Stripping the bed of the sheets that the British guy had been lying on, Meredith turned towards the laundry bin and stopped. Derek stood in the window with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl firmly planted on his handsome face. He walked towards the door and opened it. Swallowing hard, Meredith mentally prepared herself for whatever crap he was going to throw her way.

"Kissing patients now? That's really professional, Grey," he mocked.

"Are you jealous, Derek?"

She purposefully used his name hoping that he'd respond to it and think of her as his wife, not an intern. God, she missed getting to be his wife.

"I don't get jealous."

"You know what?" Meredith snapped back as she put her hands on her hips. "That's the first time that I've been kissed by a guy in five months, Doctor Shepherd. You're ruining my high right now."

Derek looked like he was about to say something back, but Meredith pushed past him towards the door. She wasn't going to stick around and listen to him. He was going to say something hurtful and after five months of listening to him say hurtful things and snap at her, she couldn't deal with it any longer. It was flattering that a guy wanted to kiss her just for the hell of it. He'd kissed her for good luck and for a whole brief second in time, Meredith had felt special. She'd felt for a single moment the way Derek used to make her feel with one look. It wasn't quite the same, but it had come close.

He'd given her a feeling that she wasn't sure she was ever going to feel again.

Staring at the phone sitting on the bed in the empty trailer, Meredith let out a long breath. She knew that Derek wouldn't be home anytime soon a trauma had come in and even though she'd caught it in the E.R., Derek hadn't let her in on it. Bailey had been the one to break the news and Meredith could still vividly recollect ever single second.

…Standing in the middle of the locker room, Meredith tried to process what Bailey was saying.

"I don't know what the hell you did to the man, but he don't want you anywhere near his surgeries." Bailey announced as they stood alone in the locker room. "He made it very clear to me that you were going to get the minimum needed hours with him, but that I should be sticking you in other areas. You have any idea what you did, Grey? Shepherd mentioned something about unprofessional behavior."

Meredith felt her bottom lip quiver slightly as she shook her head negative. She had no idea what she'd done. Oh, she'd kissed the biker, but she didn't think that he'd actually kick her out of his O.R.

"Well, if it's worth anything to you," Bailey continued. "I think the man is an idiot and his wife is a fool for marrying."

"I am a fool," Meredith agreed as Bailey's eyes went wide. "I am a complete and utter idiot."

Bailey stood there in shock simply taking in Meredith's words…

Quickly, Meredith had explained everything to Bailey. Both being married, Bailey had understood what Meredith had been talking about. Being sent home sucked, but Meredith had been grateful. It gave her time alone to think and call Addison. Picking up the cell phone and dialing, Meredith sighed in relief at hearing Addison's voice.

"Meredith! I'm so happy you called. How's Seattle?"

Just hearing the other woman's voice was too much and Meredith promptly broke down into tears as she collapsed down on the bed. In one long breath, she spilled out everything that had been happening in the past few months. She explained how Derek had been treating her with no known cause and she explained how he'd been treating her at the hospital. Addison listened as she sobbed over the phone for nearly an hour about how her life had fallen apart and how she was living in a trailer with a husband who clearly didn't want her around. The worst part of the conversation came when Addison let out a deep breath over the phone after Meredith had managed to calm herself down.

"What do you want to do, Mere?"

"I think I want a divorce," Meredith admitted out loud for the first time since she'd considered it a few days prior. "I don't think I can keep doing this, Addie. I can't do this."

Leave your cheers, jeers, rants, raves, and reviews!

Let me know what you think! Next time, 1x04, 1x05, 1x06...

EDITED 3/23/2017