Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
When I was little, I wanted to change the world. I believed that there were only about one or two bad guys. I thought that the world ceased to exist outside of the local grocery store. I was convinced that everything in my world was perfect and lovely; with nothing out of place. I was innocent and I had pictures of kittens on my walls. I was sweet and I gave away smiles as if I thought that I'd have enough to hand out when I got older. Everything was fresh and new to me then. I wasn't corrupted and ideas weren't shoved down my throat. I had my own view of the world. I believed that I could do anything, because I didn't know that failure was an option.
And now, I don't understand how I once thought that the world was a beautiful place. Now, the world is too vast that I become sick when I think about it. My smiles have grown dim and fake, and they mock the smile that I once had. And when I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. I hate that my skin is grey and my lips are faded and that my eyes are dull. And I hate how if I stare at the mirror long enough, I lose myself.
I'm losing myself. And I don't know what to do.
But I do know that a painless slumber has never looked so good.
His heart was sinking. He felt his body shake with something that started from his heart and soul, and was making its rounds around his fragile body. Fire was burning down his vision and was eating away his walls that he had spent his days building. The feelings that he had always denied were stirring up in him, and he looked at the girl, who was waiting for his reaction. But how could he tell her what he felt about her writing? If he was to ignore the emotional aspect of it, he would say that it was okay, a bit repetitive, but it was okay. But that's the thing; the emotion in the piece was absolutely everything. And that's why Elijah Goldsworthy felt tears prick at the corners of his raw eyes. He was also more than glad that they were alone and on the hood of Morty.
"Well?" The girl said, impatience seeping out of that one small word.
But the boy simply gulped and clenched the paper in his strong hands. The paper felt so breakable, just like the girl in front of him.
"Is it that bad?" Clare whispered, her cheeks growing red, and she looked down at her fingers. She bit the inside of her cheek and reached for the paper, but he held up a finger, asking her to wait a minute, and shook his head.
"This was...great," Eli admitted, his voice shaking. But he cleared his throat and sat up on top of Morty, leaning forward to the girl, "But...did you truly mean what you said in here?" His voice broke, but he struggled to keep his composure.
Clare shrugged, but didn't meet his eyes, "Yeah, I guess so." She muttered, craning her neck to watch the butterfly in front of her fly up.
"You guess so? Clare, it's not a goddamn guessing game," He snapped, shaking the paper in front of her eyes, "Either it's a yes; that you want to , it's a no; that you don't want to kill yourself." He stared at the girl intently.
"Then yes!" She threw her hands up, "Yes. I have thought about suicide. I have thought about ending everything. So, there's your answer. And if you wouldn't mind, I'd like my paper back. I did what you told me to do. I wrote something personal, and I don't want to talk about it, unless you have any suggestions to improve it." When he didn't answer, Clare took her paper back with dignity, and went back to writing.
Eli watched her add on, and he felt his shoulders become weak. Because he couldn't believe that someone as beautiful as her could want to take away the life that he cherished to no end. He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of Clare Edwards not existing. Her little jokes and laugh had become his life, and just thinking about not having it anymore was killing him. It was torturing every single part of him. And Eli continued to watch her, the feelings bubbling up to the top. And these feelings just led back to one feeling. And that feeling was something that scared the shit out of him.
"Have you ever thought about it?" Her soft voice cut through his deep thoughts, and his hair fell in front of his eyes. Clare pushed the strands of hair away and searched his eyes for answer.
Eli thought carefully. Sure, he knew the answer to that, but the topic was still hard to think about.
"Yeah. I have," He admitted, "But...I could never go through with it, Clare. I couldn't do that to my parents...or you." A sad smile replaced the frown on his plump lips, and the girl looked down, unable to look at him directly, "You are starting to be everything to me, Clare. I can't lose you. I couldn't handle it."
"I don't know why or how I feel like this," Clare muttered, her lips trembling, "Just...everything is falling apart, and I can't do anything about it. And I don't have control and I'm scared, Eli. Because when I'm alone, that's what I think about. I think about how it would feel to just be...gone, you know?"
"That's what happens in life," Eli muttered, trailing a finger down her cheek softly, "Things change and we can't keep up. You're thrown off balance and you can't get up," He licked his lips and then pressed his lips together, planning what he was going to say, "It's, like, when I was little, my family didn't have a lot of money, and we only had one car. So, when my mom had to go on business trips, my dad and I would wait in the car and watch her get on the train. And when the train would pass by, I'd cry and scream, because I thought that my dad and I were moving, instead of the train. And it scared me, because I wasn't ready for it. I felt scared because I felt like I was moving and I didn't want to move. I just wanted to stay right there."
"It just kept moving." Clare murmured, her voice distant and small.
"Life doesn't stop for anyone," Clare grimaced, and Eli gently took her hand in his, "But people do." He added, a small lightness in his tone.
"You'll stop for me?" Clare giggled, and Eli was sure that he had never seen anything more beautiful than her.
But, because he knew that talking wouldn't totally convince her, he gently leaned down and captured her lips with his. He felt her lips tremble against his and he couldn't help but gasp at her taste. And he couldn't deny it anymore. He absolutely couldn't. He was in love with her. And he was falling even harder as their bodies molded together softly.
"I'll always stop for you, Clare Edwards," Eli gasped, his forehead brushing hers and his breath sweeping across her lips, "God, I'll always stop." He kissed her lightly once again, and pulled back slightly.
And with every kiss that they shared, the paper slowly started to float down onto the ground; it was as if it knew that the thoughts written were slowly fading with the soft pants and the low moans of the two lovers.
It was as if it knew that they promised to stop and pick each other up when the world had moved on.
Review, please? ;)
I am so sorry about the ending.
I wrote this last night and I didn't have an ending to it, and I'm so tired and yeah. I'm so sorry that the ending is shit.