Oh.
Oh fuck.
Oh god, oh fuck, no.
You didn't want to face this.
But now you have to.
You realize that a lot of these doodles actually ended up coming true. Rose and Kanaya have been together with their weird matespritship thing for almost a human year, and you had been Gamzee's moirail for just as long (if not longer).
She always had a weird way of knowing these things.
But what really catches your eye is the largest of the drawings.
The one labeled "OTP."
You knew. You always knew how she had felt. But seeing it on her shipping wall was like a knife straight into your heart.
You always felt bad about not loving her. You wished you could give her what she wanted. But the most you could do was care about her as a friend, and look out for her as such. You had protected her when her moirail wasn't near, and even tried to protect her from him when he had one of his asshole moments.
But in the end, you couldn't protect her at all.
You drop to your knees in front of the drawing of yourself, fighting to keep the tears building up behind your eyes from falling. "I'm sorry, Nepeta," you murmur, "I'm so, so sorry. I failed as a leader. You believed in me, and I let you down. I'm a shitty leader — and a fucking horrible friend. I'm sorry…"
You lost the battle. As the tears stream down your cheeks, your shoulders shake with the force of your sobs. Your throat closes, and the last thing you choke out before losing your voice completely is a quiet "I love you."
It was a lie. But it was one she had always wanted to hear.
Maybe she would hear it, and smile.