Summer had faded since we reached the east coast, and the cold winds of winter started seeping into the cracks under the doors and in the windows. Thanksgiving passed with the falling leaves and Christmas lights twinkled at people passing.
This time of year is always hard for me. I see so many happy, smiling families drinking hot cocoa, ice skating, and looking at the lights. I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I don't have a family like that, or that I never grew up in that way.
Cat and I spent the spring after we met in LA so she could finish school. Once she graduated, we bought a van, threw all our shit into it, and never looked back.
Sometimes I miss the freedom that the last summer brought us. I miss the long nights spent stargazing, and I miss cuddling in the back of the van. I miss going out for breakfast and finding the little niches that this country offers. I especially miss the nights where we got so drunk that we had no idea where we were going, but we didn't give a fuck enough to care. We just drove.
I need a drink.
Stumbling home, I unlocked the door and threw it open with a huge bang.
"Where's my pretty little kitty Cat at? Caaaaaaaaaat!" I yelled in a sing-song voice.
"I'm in the bedroom," she called to me.
"Hey babe," I slurred, falling into my bed.
Her eyebrows creased in the middle. I giggled because she looked so serious.
"Have you been drinking again?" She asked softly, but with a hard edge of guilt peeking through her words.
"Ahaha, where'd you get that idea?" I said.
"Sam, I thought you promised that you'd stay sober."
"Well sometimes a girl's gotta get a little loosened up. Don't be so uptight," I cooed, pulling her down with me and kissing her hard.
She struggled away and wiped her lips on the back of her hand. "I hate to do this... But I can't deal with this anymore. I can't have you here. Come back when you're sober."
"So what the fuck are you telling me? To get the hell out?" I yelled, everything suddenly escalating.
"Yes! This is hard for me too." Cat finally broke and waterfalls replaced her eyes. She threw a wad of cash at me as she pushed me out the door.
"I love you so much Sam, but I can't stand to see you hurt yourself anymore." She wouldn't look at me.
"Fine." I spun on my heel and walked off.
The chilly night air cleared my head a little bit. I slumped onto a park bench, staring up at the stars.
I didn't know that I was hurting Cat. She never said anything. She never told me. She blames this all on me! She always tries to change me and throws a fit when it doesn't work out!
"Fuck," I whispered softly to myself. I prayed. "God, I don't know if you're up there, and I don't know if you care about me or not. But I could use some help right now. I don't know how much more I can take." The sky stayed silent.
I got a hotel room. I picked a girl up off the street and she comforted me for a night, but she was just a temporary distraction.
Laying amid sweaty sheets, the hurt and betrayal I couldn't believe Cat would make me feel came back. I couldn't deal with it anymore.
So I did what I do best. I destroy.
The hotel room was in shambles by the time I was done, things shattered to pieces. The room now reflected me. Angry, bitter, broken.
Funny, that's what I've always been called.
I ditched the hotel room and came upon a group of guys while perusing the streets. They called out to me, "Hey pretty girl, whatcha lookin for? You lookin for something good for cheap?"
"Yeah. Gimme a gram and a half of coke."
Soon I was floating, and nothing hurt.
I woke up with a pounding head, naked and cold. My clothes were torn and thrown next to me. I vaguely remember crying out for them to please stop, to please not touch me. They didn't listen.
I put on my torn clothes and somehow made it home. The door was locked, which never happened except at night. After banging on the door and screaming Cat's name, she answered the door, her face flushed red.
"Why do you look all sweaty?" I asked, looking her up and down. Her clothes and hair were kinda messed up.
"Um, I was cleaning." She always was a bad liar.
"You have a guy here, don't you?" I bluntly asked.
She hung her head in shame and I knew I was right. I guess I've known all along that she never really loved me, but I thought I could somehow make her.
My own Goddamned mother doesn't even love me! How could Cat?
"I, uh, I should go." I turned and walked out.
She shouted protests behind me, but didn't follow. I knew she never felt the same.
Ten minutes later I stood on the overpass, gazing down at the cars, thinking thoughts that haven't crossed my mind since I met her. She made everything all right again, she was the sun that brightened my moon. So why did our sunset happen without us kissing at the horizon as our time ended?
Now it was time for the sun to set for me. I prayed to God to forgive me, to please understand why I did this.
I jumped.