this was inspired by beloved older sister on ao3. please read that, it is well worth it. brace yourself for ooc.
None of it was supposed to go like this, but Elise was stuck with burnt toast and a hungry iguana nonetheless.
"Never fear, Lady Elise! I shall protect you!" Arthur yelled triumphantly as he body slammed the iguana. However, he missed the iguana, broke the table, and managed to land with the toast in his mouth, choking on it.
"NO!" Effie screamed, which was terrifying even without the fact that Effie never screamed. "THAT WAS MY TOAST!" She desperately performed the Heimlich Maneuver on Arthur, despite living in a universe where it hadn't been invented yet.
"Forgive me, dear Effie!" Arthur bolted upright even though he had appeared unconscious only seconds prior, knocking Effie backwards towards Elise and also somehow setting the table on fire. Elise's face was the very picture of disappointment in the world as Arthur started to dash after the iguana to avenge Effie, the table flaming in his wake.
*record scratch*
*freeze frame*
"You're probably wondering how it all came to this.
"It all began the night before Big Sister Camilla's birthday, when I awoke suddenly to a startling revelation."
*rewinds dramatically*
"IT'S BIG SISTER'S BIRTHDAY." Elise screamed out of nowhere, flying out of bed. This, understandably, terrified her retainers. Arthur jumped so high that he nailed his head on the doorframe, coming down unconscious. Effie dropped one of the weights she'd been squatting with on Arthur's stomach, causing him to gasp and spasm once unconsciously. He then proceeded to go back to being normally unconscious.
"Bake her a cake, that's what I would do." The silver haired retainer turned to face Elise, her tone bizarrely nonchalant. "Or get 'er a medicine ball. Y'know."
The blond twin tailed girl nodded resolutely. "I know what I must do!" She bellowed, striking a pose she'd learned from Odin, one hand on her hip, the other extended into the air, palm up and fingers apart. She vanished into thin air. Effie did not look phased at this.
Elise materialized in the kitchen.
Felicia screamed so shrilly that an entire tea set exploded. The kitchen was extremely dark, lit only by a single candle. Felicia's vision was blurred by the headache caused by her own scream, and the candlelight that danced off of Elise's silk nightgown was somehow warped enough that she looked like a demon of sorts. Felicia cowered in terror, deeply regretting her decision to hang out in the castle kitchen at three AM.
Don't ask what Felicia was doing in the kitchen at three AM. We don't know.
"FELICIA." Elise bellowed. Whether or not she actually sounded fearsome, or if Felicia was just blowing things out of proportion is up for debate. "WE MUST BAKE A CAKE."
"Y-yes! Of course!" Felicia whimpered. "P-please don't murder me…." She all but dumped out drawers onto the ground trying to find the correct supplies.
The room filled with a blinding light, and Elise disappeared, leaving a frantic Felicia alone to bake.
A terrible decision, really.
"BIG BROTHER." Elise appeared in Leo's private quarters.
"HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN THIS KINGDOM, ELISE, WHAT THE CRAP." Leo jumped from his bed, startled out of his mind. His headband had slid onto his face, his hair disheveled and sticking up at random. His pink satin pajamas, complete with embroidered kittens ("It's laundry day." He would insist when questioned about his… wardrobe choices), were rumpled, not to mention the pants were inside out.
"Hi, Big Bro!" Elise smiled innocently as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening. "Can you tell me where you can find iguanas?"
"Iguanas…? By the gods, Elise, it's three AM." Leo rubbed his temples impatiently. "I think you can find them in one of the babyrealms, but- Oh, Elise, no! Don't even think about it!" He blurted in a panicked tone.
"Thanks, Big Bro, that's all I needed." Elise started to do her teleportation thing.
"Elise! WHAT ABOUT XANDER'S-"
Out in the hall, Kaze paused his patrol. Xander's what? He wondered idly.