December 31, 2014

Dear Diary, or whoever may end up reading this one day. Either way.

It has been over a year since the event that has forever changed me, forever changed us. I feel as if I should write it on paper before I lose every detail altogether.

I want to say that I am happy. Really happy. Christmas was wonderful, and now it is New Year's Eve. I have some time to write before the celebrations begin, so I will use it wisely.

This is about the day I met the man of my dreams, (cliché I know) and how we lived happily ever after (cliché I know too, but oh well).

And it is also about how we almost didn't.

But, please know that we are happy, that we found our way together. This has a happy ending I promise.

It was October 22, 2013.

Odeon Leicester Square was the scene of only smiles.

I remember the excitement in the air, the screaming and shouting. I had come a long way, on my own, just to catch a glimpse of him. I didn't know if I even would, but it was worth a shot, what did I have to lose? I was dressed in my favorite jeans, and one of my favorite Loki shirts, just for good measure. It's the little details that sometimes count in the largest of ways.

His speech at the beginning was the only one I remember. The only one I wanted to pay attention to. I think everyone felt the same way, for the minute he spoke, a hush fell over all of us.

He was proud of the movie, proud of all of us who had come. Proud that he could share this moment with us. Proud to be just who he was. He said he felt lucky, blessed. We thought it was more, much more than that.

The movie went by in a blur, with all of us gasping, cheering, and breathing together. For just this moment in time, we were all here for the very same thing. The premier. And we are all there for him, for Tom, even though most wouldn't voice it.

I remember the credits rolling and the girl next to me was in tears because he hadn't died, Loki still lived. I remember smiling at her as her best friend held her hand. I think we all felt the same way. That Loki had not only stole the show, but our hearts. Boyfriends rolled their eyes, Thor nerds swooned. Everyone was in a fantastic mood.

Then we were outside waiting behind the ropes just to steal a glance at some of the actors or actresses that had come to enjoy themselves and promote the movie. There were smiles and autograph signings, hands shaken, pictures taken. There were jokes made, and light hearted conversation.

Then he came out.

He had finally made his next appearance to make his fans happy, like he always does. My breath caught in my throat. As he walked around he seemed to get closer and closer. Suddenly, he was only about thirty feet from me. If my heart could have stopped it would have. I didn't know what to say, I think I was more content on watching him than saying anything.

He turned. I caught his eye, and he caught mine. Then that damn smile came on his face and I swear I began to melt from the inside out. I felt like it was almost torture, what I was doing to myself, what he was doing to me. But I just smiled and waved, with him approaching my group behind the rope, the entire time.

Then I saw him. A man with a face so cold, I felt a chill run up my spine. He was making his way down the aisle, through the throngs of people right towards the main object of my attention, my affection. I looked back at Tom and back at this cold man, who was now looking intently and cruelly at Tom. I remember wondering to myself, how could a human being look so terribly at another?

Then I saw him reach inside his jacket and pull out a jet black gun.

I remember shaking, and wondering how the hell anyone let him get past the ropes, or even near Tom. But at that moment I made a choice without any hesitation.

I don't remember how fast I moved or the look of his body guards when I ran. I can't even tell you what I yelled when the first shots rang out.

But I can tell you the look on Tom's face after I had hit the ground and he was bending over me. Pure concern, pure panic. I think he had started to cry.

And I can even tell you the last thoughts that ran across my mind as I felt pain somewhere starting in my body:

He must live. I must get him back to his family, to his mother.

Then it all went black.

I think I drifted in and out of consciousness for months maybe even years; at least it felt that way. But when I finally came too, it was if I had been born again. The lights were to bright, the sounds around me were to loud. A strong smell of everything sterile hit my nostrils, hit me right in the face. But when I finally, fully opened my eyes, I knew where I was.

Then the panic set in.

Then the pain came in full force.

Then I began to shout until I thought the roof would fall down upon me.

"Tom! Where is Tom?! Is he alright? Is he alive? Somebody better tell me what in the hell is going on?"

I was aware I was in a hospital bed, but I had no knowledge of what hospital, no knowledge of what day it was. I didn't even know if the man who I admired the most was even alive. Then a nurse came in, trying to comfort me. Tears, there were a lot of tears.

Then she grabbed my face gently in her hands and looked into my eyes.

"Honey, he's fine. He's just fine. Now please relax while I get you some water. My name is Grace and I'm here for you."

I don't think I could have loved this nurse any more then I began to, the minute she said those words.

I sank my head back onto my pillow and realized I barely could move. I looked over to my left arm which was covered and wrapped and in a sling. Then I looked down at my legs and saw that my right leg was slightly elevated and in a huge, hard cast.

Then I fully realized, it was I who was hurt, I who was now in excruciating pain.

Grace came back in with a frown on her face and placed a cup of ice water in my hand. I looked at her not really knowing what to say.

"Don't worry dear I'll up your morphine a bit. And no you haven't been in a coma or anything like that. You've been in and out for three days."

I smiled at her. She had such a lovely voice. I could tell she was going to be a good friend for me in this hospital. Because lord knows I hate hospitals.

"What happened to my leg and arm?" I asked softly.

Her eyes suddenly changed from cheerful to serious in an instant.

"I think you better let him explain it to you."

As she said this she tilted her head towards the area to my right. I looked at her, confusion written all over my face, and as I turned my head I almost burst into tears.

There he was, in all his glory, with two cups of coffee in his hands standing in the doorway to the room.

"T-Tom?"

It was all I could get out before he rushed over to my side, leaning over me to hand Grace one of the cups of coffee that had been in his left hand. It was such a graceful, simple act, but I was transfixed for the moment on his lovely hand reaching over me. He immediately sat down in the chair to my right, and gripped my hand in his own.

All I could hear was the beeping from a monitor to my left, and the closing of the door as Grace exited the room.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I really wanted to be. But Grace and I have been up for over 12 hours straight and I needed a boost."

He was rambling, speaking so fast I could barely keep up.

"Tom! It's alright, please, please just tell me you're ok. You are, aren't you?"

"I am yes, I promise you."

But somehow I wasn't convinced. For my own volition I took his face in my hands I touched his shoulders, his chest, I tried to find anything, something wrong with him. He took my hands in both of his.

"Believe me, I'm fine. Physically anyway. And it's all thanks to you."

I stared at him trying to piece together what seemed like an incredibly hard puzzle.

Because of me? What in Loki is going on?

"Tom I need you to tell me what happened. I remember being at the premiere and the movie, and the cameras, and all of you being there. And laughter, and you coming towards me and-."

I paused remembering the cold faced man. And the gun. Suddenly I knew why I was in so much pain.

"The man? Where the hell is he? What happened?"

I began to grow hysterical again, but Tom touched my face and I calmed down.

"He's in jail at the moment, and will be as long as I have a say."

"What was his name?"

"Charlie."

I could feel my eyes burning with tears, but I stayed calm, I had to let him speak. I had to hear what happened, how we ended up at this moment.

"Shall I continue?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yes." I murmured.

So he told me of how he had started to come towards my group by the rope. He knew how excited we all were to meet him, and he said that my group seemed the loudest. I don't remember us screaming or shouting but apparently we were. He had begun to take a pen out of his pocket to sign the pictures and pieces of paper we were holding out to him. Then he saw my face change. It went from pure happiness to confusion, from confusion to terror.

Next thing he knew, I had apparently ducked under the ropes, and ran towards him. His security couldn't even react fast enough. They thought I was attacking him. But then they heard the shots. I had been hit in my leg and shoulder before Tom and I hit the ground. His staff raced towards the man I had seen and tackled him to the ground, easily disarming him. He had revealed himself the minute the gun went off.

Apparently he had been a former fan, and when Tom never answered his letters or sent him any autographs, he went mad with rage. He hadn't been a normal fan, he had been obsessed from the beginning. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he decided to act.

"When I had realized what had happened, that you had saved me, I knew I had to do something. I tried keeping you awake, but there was just so much blood, and you were losing consciousness. One of my staff called the Great Ormond hospital and they came and took you from me. But I drove over here myself, and I haven't left your side. You had surgery right away. The bullet in your shoulder did no damage, it is just a flesh wound. The one in your leg however was embedded in your femur. It took longer to remove it, but the surgeons did a wonderful job. They say you'll make a full recovery. But it will take some time, and a lot of physical therapy."

And mental therapy I'm sure. I thought to myself.

He sounded so emotional, and he started to tear up. I sat there trying to process it all, when I began to laugh. He looked at me confused, but he didn't take his hands from mine.

"Why are you laughing?"

I stopped and looked at him with a smile.

"Because I'm the girl who saved Tom Hiddleston."

He looked at me pensively. Then my face turned somber.

"And everybody on this planet will hate and criticize me. I'm just letting you know now, I didn't save you because I thought it would bring me fame, or fortune or anything. I didn't save you because I thought that I would get something out of it."

Suddenly I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed at something I couldn't quite grasp. I looked away as tears flooded my eyes, and I began to cry.

"You should go. You shouldn't stay here. I'm sure the press and anybody who wants a freaking picture or story is here, and of course there is your reputation to think of."

I started sputtering, I couldn't control my crying. All I wanted was to keep him safe and alive. But now what was to become of the aftermath?

"Stop! Stop, you need to listen to me, and very carefully. I don't give a damn about what anybody says, or thinks, or knows. All that matters is that we are both alive, and you saved me and a lot of people from what could have been certain death. I am not leaving your side, just as I haven't since I arrived at this hospital."

He was so sure of himself, so confidant, and here I was a mess, a bloody freaking mess, and this beautiful man was going to stay with me, by my side.

"Tom I-."

"No. That's the end of the discussion."

He looked at me for a long time not saying a word. But still, his hands remained in mine. I looked down at one point to see our locked hands and I almost laughed out loud again. Over three days ago I came to London to see if I could just glimpse him while enjoying the movie premiere. I chose to come to London because I love visiting and I knew it would be the best opportunity to see him. And now, I had saved his life, had gotten shot in the process, and now we were holding hands as if the sun wasn't coming up tomorrow. It looked as if I had gotten more than I ever expected I would.

Suddenly I wondered if I wasn't just a simple fan, but if I was obsessed. Was I any different than the cold man with the gun? I mean I saved my money, and flew hundreds of miles to see him.

"Christ." I whispered.

"What is it?" He asked softly.

I shook my head, and sighed.

"Nothing."

He looked at me suddenly very serious, but also very curiously.

"May I ask you something? That is, if you feel you can answer it."

"Yes." I said instantly.

"Why did you save me? I know that might seem like such a silly thing, or irrelevant thing to ask, but I need to know."

I smiled and looked him in his crystal blue eyes, and spoke slowly, so he wouldn't miss a word I was going to say.

"For a few reasons. The first being, is that I am absolutely terrified of death. It frightens me completely and wholly. I have accepted that it is every human's fate. I have. But here is what I could not accept."

I paused as I began to get choked up again. He squeezed my hand as I steadied myself, urging me to go on.

"That this man, this cold man, Charlie, was going to decide it for you. That he was going to try, and kill the one person in this world who I admire, who has inspired thousands of people to do the right thing when it comes to charity. Who makes us laugh with his crazy antics, and stunts. Who brings us joy through reading poetry, and his acting. Who brings us happiness by being just you. He was going to bring you into that terrible abyss, or whatever comes next, without your permission. Without it being the right time. The second reason, was that I had a choice. I had the choice of turning around and running for my life and letting you and possibly other people die. Or I had the choice of making a difference in your and their lives. Of trying to save you. Do you know what my last thought was that I can remember before I passed out?"

He shook his head no. He was very quiet, listening to everything, absorbing it all.

"It was that you must live. I must get you back to your family, to your I thought of your mother. It's funny there are a million things I could have thought of but all I could think was that you were a son, and brother, and I had to get you back to your family. I had to."

I started to cry again, but he didn't wait a single moment he wrapped me in his arms as best as he could, and rocked me back and forth.

Through my tears I kept talking trying to make him see.

"I did it for you Tom, and for all of those who love you, and look up to you. And those who cannot wait to see what you will do next. I did it for me, so I would always know that you were still in this world doing what you love, and letting me see you do what you love."

At this point I was crying into his chest. He didn't say a word, he just kept rocking me back and forth. He stroked my hair, and let me hold him as long as possible. When I quieted I could here is heart beat.

"You see, this is why I saved you. So your heart, your very soul, could keep on beating."

As I pulled back to look at him, he smiled so warmly, I swear I thought I was going to start crying all over again. God how could I be so unglued?

"No more tears. For now anyway. I would like to see you smile now. I understand why you did what you did, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really don't know how to repay you. But I can promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I owe you my life." He said slowly.

I gave him my best smile as I looked at his face. He seemed calm, almost at peace. Like I had given him something that I couldn't name.

"Now, Grace will be back any minute to help you with some comforts, and she is going to go over some things with you."

He suddenly got up and reached for his coat which was draped over a chair. I started to panic as I saw that he was leaving. The minute he saw the terrified look on my face he came back towards me.

"Don't worry, I won't be long."

"Where are you going?" I asked quickly.

"To fetch your mother from the airport."

I stared at him dumbfounded. What did he just say? Then I realized I wasn't home. For the minutes that I had been with him I was lost in my own little world. I finally fully woke up and remembered I was in London.

"You are?"

"Of course. The minute I got to the hospital, and was given your things, I found your mother's number in your cell phone and called her. I made all the proper arrangements, and she is due at the airport in about an hour."

I swear my heart grew bigger. Remember that line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss?

"His heart grew three sizes that day."

Tom was continuing to do that to me. How much love and compassion had this man had to give? I didn't know.

But I was pretty sure I was going to find out.