Summary: Time seemed to go as fast or as slow as it wanted, and since Naru left, Mai was stuck in a slow motion world where visions of the past played out in front of her at almost every corner she turned since her gift grew out of control, of bad men who tortured children and the desolate fallowing her into the waking world and hiding from an agency that turns from wanting to train her to wanting to experiment on her as she tried to keep sane. NM.
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What Desperation Does
CHAPITRE 1
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Time.. Time did what it wanted.
The best moments of your life would flow by like a waterfall, slipping out of your fingers when you tried to catch onto it to force it to stay longer and it was gone before you could fully enjoy it.
Then there was nothing but the bittersweet feeling of trying to let go, of realizing what you had and now didn't. Time went to fast, Mai mused.
Then, there were moments where it hurt so badly that you couldn't remember how to live or breathe correctly, and at those moments time would slow down, everything would seem like the hot burn of a knife sliding in languidly yet repeatedly, like poison settling in, making a mark that wouldn't ever go.
Ironically, time would slow down then, and it would break down the strongest people to go through such torture that felt like it lasted years, decades, centuries; it changed you until you woke up one morning and could barely recognize the person staring back in the mirror.
There was no return after those moments, you could never change back to the person you were, never have the same smile you did then. That was just life though…
Mai shut her brain up as she snapped her pocket mirror shut and, ignoring the paint peeling away on the library walls and the new blood spreading like ink in one corner as another vision slipped into her waking life, she finished her homework assignment to the sounds of a little boy begging for his life as she hid behind long hair.
There was nothing she could do though; this was the past after all, not an actual ghost or- 'Toughen up dummy you've seen worse.' And she had, enough to make an entire army of doctors vomit and willingly, happily claw their own eyes out. The world could really be an ugly place.
Breathing in slowly, since she was too tired to block the visions out, as she usually spent most of her days doing, she tried to continue her homework, although her writing was becoming more shaky and jagged.
….
….
Blood sprinkled onto the students in front of her, but they continued on, the good ones studying hard and the bored giggling quietly to each other and passing notes. It soaked into their hair, dripped down their oblivious faces-
She squeezed her eyes so tightly as if it could force her tear ducts back, but the knowledge that she couldn't help the poor screaming boy created such overwhelming helplessness that she didn't know how to deal with. 'If Gene were here would I still be able to naturally block them out?'
Her mind screeched to a halt- Gene and Oliver- to keep herself surviving, for the past 5 months she banned herself from even thinking of-
In less than half a minute her things were thrown in her bag and Mai was already half way to the door.
'All I need is a bath!' A long, animalistic-in-fear scream was abruptly cut off behind her and the school suddenly felt too desolate, too quiet. Her heart dropped to the soles of her rigid feet and gave a mourning choke in silent horror. 'Then when I'm rested I'll be able to train with Kajimaru-san." And she'll be a little less pale too.
She made a sharp turn into a toy store she usually passed by on the way home, deciding the the poor boy she'd seen in the library would probably love if someone left a trinket in memory of him.
Kajimaru, Hikaru.
He gave the animal instinct in her a sharp twist every time she caught him staring at her, but when Oliver left Mai had truly become desperate- for any distraction, for company that also believed in the supernatural so she wouldn't have to pretend to be normal, but mostly because her powers were truly getting out of even her control.
After a full month of being more heartbroken and terrified then she ever remembered being in her life at the time (before she became accustomed to the stream of visions attacking her while she was still awake), she had researched for any Japanese-based psychic company and begged with an exhausted voice, horse from all the screaming she had done in the past month, for them to train her. Although they emotionlessly studied her speech like one would a pinned insect, they had taken her in and 5 months later her powers were still growing too fast, but she was getting most of it under control. Most of the time.
"Konbanwa!"
"Have you finished all your homework?" Hikaru teased with an empty smile.
"Hai. hai." Mai grumbled, taking her shoes off to join him on the wide mat in the shade. Her stomach jerked at the last moment and she ended up sitting further away from him than she intended to, feeling guilty. How rude could she be?! She had no reason to feel this way towards him after 5 months, and especially after all he had done for her.
Hikaru didn't seem to notice however, and continued eating his lunch without looking at her. "Good. Then we'll be able to practice a few hours longer today."
She blinked owlishly, "A few hours longer?"
"Yes. I would like to.. add a couple things to train."
She sighed and simply accepted it. She was the one who asked for the help in the first place after all. "Alright, so what will we work on first?"
"We must wait for Aerina first." She recognized the dismissal in his tone and internally blanched; Aerina was someone who had no mercy although acted like a child, Mai had only studied with her a couple times, only when Hikaru wanted to test Mai's progress, but the woman had ice for eyes that plainly said she would kill her own mother if it gave her benefit. In fact, this whole agency-
"No need. I'm here." A voice interrupted from behind. "But I'm sure you sensed me coming, Mai-chan!"
Taking both their faces in, their warm smiles and empty eyes, it was a struggle for Mai to completely relax and allow her aura and gift to expand. "I'm ready." She smiled back, brushing away any other thought.
"Today's schedule is as fallows," as good looking as Hikaru was, he often reminded her of a robot. "Meditation, then we will test every ability you believe you have, Taniyama-san, and every ability we as the agency believe you will develop soon." Mai's eyes widened in disbelief, this was new.
She hadn't known they thought she had more abilities. Honestly, she didn't want them. They brought her nothing but a heartache she had to face alone.
"Then," Aerina continued, looking shyly up through her eyelashes as the spotlight turned to her. "We will put you through a simulation on your own! Say Mai-chan.." Her voice turned sickly sweet. "Have you been thinking of the offer?" Of joining the agency once her training was completed.
Mai laughed nervously and tried to change the subject, tugging on a long strand of hair "Let's just get through this crazy sounding day first."
There was only one Psychic research facility she wanted to be with. And they had left her a long time ago.
One hour flew by and blended into another, and another; before she knew it an adrenaline rush had carried her through testing her visions, exorcism, cleansing, phasing through solid objects, a slight telepathy that was scaring her but starting to develop- every gift she remembered seeing in other people, every one she was afraid to have.
The more Kajimaru and Aerina looked excited, the more Mai had steadily become more afraid of herself. She didn't want to do this. The dread clawed up her throat and destroyed another target with KP, but she ignored the approving glances her accident caused.
Not eating well the past week, coupled with exams and not sleeping well either caused exhaustion to set in hours ago, but it was in these insane sessions that she finally stopped thinking about Naru. Kazuya Shibuya. Oliver Davis. The man who didn't have anything in Japan that would make him want to come back.
'What are you doing now..?' She absently stroked a leaf dropping from a tree near her during the final minutes of a break. 'Did you find a beautiful girl to take care of you for me? Are you as stressed as usual?'
BOOM! CRASH!
"TANIYAMA-SAN!"
"S-sorry!" She inched away from the tree that had spontaneously exploded and crashed downwards. 'Oops..'
"Concentrate, Taniyama-san." Hikaru had beautiful violet-blue eyes, but they didn't know how to be soft, they always starred at her with such intensity as if her were trying to scream an answer at her.
Mai's eye sight blurred until the violet-blue blended with his pale skin and blond hair, "I..Hikaru.."
She couldn't see his surprise at the accidental use of his first name, but somehow sensed it before he got it under control. She used to be able to do that for Naru too.. Her body bowed over the parchment in her hands, the long hair sweeping around it.
She heard him shift and he moved her wrist to glide her hand over the writing on the yellowing paper. "Imagine the person writing it. Let your mind go blank- don't think of your own persona, let the persons memory left on this paper guide you then move them into existence."
For what seemed like the hundredth time, she tried again. This was another type of psychometry that apparently seers like her could develop- judging by the grass under her changing steadily into hard wood, and a desk fading into view with a frantic man scribbling notes-
BOOM!
A sigh. Little bits of burnt parchment floated around them.
"S-Sorry."
"You seem to make everything explode, Taniyama-san. I don't think you're ready to practice healing on humans yet."
"Y-you're probably right."
"Go home, Taniyama-san."
Hikaru rarely forgot anything; but he hadn't tested her astral-walking or given her that solo-simulation they had continuously hinted towards; however, she was too fatigued to care or do anything other than thank God repeatedly.
"Yata! See you in a week!" She zoomed out of there faster than a cheetah with its tail on fire, popping back in to bow to the amused couple then smiled, tripped, and exited again sheepishly.
"Hikaru-kun.." The woman beside him shifted uncomfortably after a dead silent moment.
"I know." He interrupted Aerina emotionlessly. "She is more powerful than we thought. We are lucky the girl is too trusting." The fake smiles had already dropped by now and the tall male opened the file he was carrying in his hand to stare at a picture and stats of a smiling brunette he was becoming enamored with.
"And the last test?"
"The agency wants me to give her the last test through a dream. They want to see if she can get herself out."
The rest of the sentence was unsaid but the silence screamed it.
… If she can get out alive. And sane.
"It will be such a waste to lose such talent." Aerina shrugged carelessly, obviously expecting Mai's death.
It had happened to almost every other high ranked test subject after all.
Mai didn't walk away from the building she'd been training in for the past months; she ran, pushing out every terrified feeling of her growing powers and overwhelming confusion and choosing to ignore dealing with everything happening to her because only Kami-sama knew just how desperately she needed this training.
'It could be worse.' Naru was shoved to the forefront of her mind; just flashes of Naru and of every moment she'd spent with him slowed her world so quickly. Her chest hurt. 'It could be worse.' Naru, Naru, Naru, come back, please come back-
'At least I have Kajimaru-san.' She breathed roughly at that, through the shaming tears glazing her eyes and the irony of having fallen so far down in her life that she had to depend on a person she didn't even trust or wish to be around. She had grown up alone but never felt it, not until she lost everything SPR had given her. 'It could be worse.'
Home was finally in her view, so tightening her hold on her messenger school bag and digging her chin into the warmth of her scarf from the fall cold, she quickened her pace once again.
Still too tired to block her day-visions, she also gave a large girth to a fighting couple who were wearing 18th century style clothing. The male was holding a farmers pitchfork, which, she supposed was how the woman died.
She gave a teary laugh at some of their insults, slightly expecting them to turn to her but quickly slipped in and shut the glass door of her building firmly behind her.
Hesitating, she turned to watch them bicker for a little longer with a fond smile. They reminded her of Monk and Ayako; it gave her a little comfort to remember them.
Ring. Ring.
Snapping up in surprise, she immediately dug into her pockets for her cell phone to see Madoka's name flashing across the screen. Smiling in happiness she quickly answered, "Moshi, moshi! Madoka-chan!"
The tinkle of her laugh rang through the speaker. "Mai-chan! It's so good to hear your voice sweetheart!"
"You.. You have no idea." She slid her fingertips down the glass panel before leaving the fighting couple when the woman pulled out a knife. 'Definitely like Bou-san and Ayako..'
"Is everything alright?" Mai backpedaled, realizing she just how weary she sounded in her last spoken sentence.
"Yes, just a little tired, I promise! How are you? And everyone?" She chose to take the stairs instead of the elevator.
"Weeeeellll, that monk and miko are driving me absolutely up the wall. I've never seen two people literally fight over spilled milk. Or a certain way to fold clothes. Or how to stir a pot. Or what channel to watch. Or-"
"They take time to grow on you." Mai laughed breathlessly, feeling fainter than she should from simply walking up some stairs.
"That's not the best part! Since they are the only people here raised in Japan within 10 miles, Noll is trying to order them to make his tea. I've never seen the kitchen so destroyed." Her heart twisted and she looked away as if Madoka were actually here, very much ashamed of the hurt that still played out on her face months after his move.
"Well at least you all sound like you have a good source for amusement." Mai quickly changed the topic to Madoka's barely 1 year old son, listening to the woman excitedly speak as she pushed through another door and searched for her keys with the free hand.
When she reached her door, a dizzy spell hit her so suddenly she actually crumpled to the ground and her lungs began heaving. Feeling like she had taken a blow to the head, every sense was filled with suffocation, and a loud ringing flooded her ears.
A couple moments of silently trembling later, her vision cleared up enough so she could reach for her fallen phone and pulled it back up to her ear. "S-sor- I'm sorry Madoka." She tried to appease the worried yelling though her head still felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls.
When was the last time she ate?
"What happened?!"
Maybe it was the extra training?
"Oh nothing big, you know how much of a klutz that I…"
"..Mai? Mai. Mai, I'm going to book a ticket right now so help me God-"
Her door. Her door was open.
"Madoka-chan, please don't worry but I have to go." She whispered, not letting the woman speak as she hurriedly told her to say hi to everyone for her and slid the screen shut. After a second thought, she turned the phone off as well.
The brunette sat there for a few moments, not wanting to make a sound. Gently, she raised a hand and ran the tips of her fingers along the door knob, feeling the supernatural energy residing there. This was definitely not a normal breaking-and-entering.
Should she call the cops? Would they even be able to help in these cases?
'Well, there's no way in hell I'm going in there alone!' She gingerly used the wall to help her stand up, pocketing her phone then using the free hand to massage her throbbing temple. 'One foot in front of the other.' She coached herself to leave, but everything was getting blurry once again, the floor felt like it was ocean waves underneath her shaky feet.
Mai had never had this reaction before, not even on SPR cases- something was really wrong. Her mind screamed bloody murder to get away, but her frustration with her fumbling legs began boiling her blood, and the only thing she achieved was a flushed face.
Something pricked the skin of her neck.
Arms calmly caught her as she fell.
Cold. Mai was so cold.
It reminded her of simpler times, an echo of laughter and steaming tea as she would sit beside a frosty window and watch Naru work-
"Taniyama-san. Don't waste our time." But Naru was gone now, wasn't he.. "Wake up." The voice wasn't Naru (although it was something he would definitely say), and her breath hitched as she tried to sift through the giant blur of what happened.
Mai's eyes felt like swollen lead and she couldn't summon the energy to open them. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips, and wincing, tasted copper, but tried to whisper an answer to only end up painfully coughing.
Once she started coughing her body couldn't seem to stop, her body sobbed in pain and so many things hurt all at once that her mind jumped around what injury to focus on- the white hot burning from the tops of her shoulders to the middle of her back, tearing even more as her coughing stretched the lacerated skin, her broken ribs piercing anything they touched as she jostled them, her tender hands that she could barely twitch and were obviously very severely burned-
"W-hat-" The brunette tried whispering unfocusedly, "How-" Her eyes were slowly fluttering open and she gradually floated a hand up to look at the cracked and bleeding skin in shock.
Gene said she couldn't get hurt on the astral plane! What was going on?
And why, why couldn't she remember a single thing?
'Stay calm you moron.' The harsh breaths weren't helping her body's poor condition, but she couldn't help it when she realized the small space she was laying in was smaller than she first thought.
She was in a coffin.
Mai had been buried alive.
She- she was in a coffin, in a grave-
Mai squeezed her eyes shut, holding her breath and listened to her heart pounding throughout her entire trembling body, trying to calm it down. 'Just a dream. Just a dream, just a dream.'
"Who are you..?" She whispered, almost mewled. She was so thirsty, and her lungs felt like they were swimming in a cloud of smoke. Her mind flew into a panic of trying to piece together what happened.
"This is a dream you cannot wake up from, Taniyama-san. I created this one. We already explained this earlier. You must be going through a little amnesia after your last… Uncooperative move."
Her eyes snapped open as she finally placed the resonating voice. "Kajimaru?!"
"Do you know how long a human can survive without air?"
Mai didn't respond, grimacing as she tried to slightly twist to the side and desperately claw around the edges for a latch. 'No, stop it Mai, you're treating this like it's reality.'
When her lungs squeezed from the thinning air, her heart dropped to the very soles of her feet and died. This was just a dream! Why was the air thinning- how-?
The death grip on her lungs forced her body into more painful coughs; her aura expanded rapidly but only felt compacted dirt for miles and miles-
Once she felt her aura stretch too thin, like a rope snapping straight, and spots began to dance before her eyes, she felt something dark behind the panic. Something bubbling from behind her trauma, thrashed her body in pain as the dark miasma seared her stomach where it came up from.
It grabbed onto the scenery with dark, taloned hands.
'Taniyama, stop now! You don't know what you're-'
She tore the dreamscape apart.
Bloodshot eyes snapped open; Mai came to life and gasped harshly to finally breathe.
Her ceiling came into view, white paint not black, light streamed onto it from a window; but her living room was suddenly too small and felt as if it were just as suffocation and maddening as the coffin.
She didn't move from her pool of blood for hours, trying to convince herself that she really was awake. That this really was reality.
She didn't blink; scared she would find that she was lying to herself when her eyes would reopen.
OoO
Tell me what you thought my little minions :) Bon nuit for now! Any suggestions on what to do next would be very much appreciated. Can't wait until Oliver finally can enter the story! I think I'm in loooovvveeee