a/n: Mary-Sues have taken over Middle-earth! Everyone has fallen into their trap, except for two certain groups…
DISCLAIMER: If I owned it, would I be writing fanfiction for it? No, I think not.
This is a parody, so expect some purple prose. This is the first fanfiction I'm uploading, and I haven't written anything in ages. I don't see how that makes a difference though. Anyway, onward with the story!
1. Rivendell
The Sues have taken over.
That was what Lord Elrond of Rivendell thought as he was locked in the small room. It was a surprise attack, really. Something, he had sensed a long time ago, had finally come. It was evil comparable to Morgoth.
They came in groups. Giggling groups of young human girls. Then Elves with unnatural non-Elvish beauty. Then the Valar!Sues began to come. Soon, more and more girls fell into Middle-earth. Sometimes, there was a boy with them.
They had renamed Imladris. It was now Whthiha*, and Elrond had been imprisoned. Every now and then a Sue would come and talk to him. It was terrible, a torture of the highest degree.
Arwen was in the dungeons. The Sues decided to act merciful and not kill the Evenstar. Elrond knew it would be today, when their Leader, Lady Elwen came and tossed him in there too. Rivendell never had a dungeon, but the Sues had created one. They came in fair guises with foul intentions, though not to their own mind.
"Elrond." It was a Mary-Sue. Her hair was light blond and silky. Her skin was smooth and clear, and her neck was ridiculously long. She blinked her large, aqua-marine eyes. "Queen Elwen of Whthiha has asked for you."
Elrond gave her a hard stare, and she quavered under his eyes. As soon as she did, however, two burly and muscle bound guards backed her up and snapped metal bracelets onto his hands. They were bound by a heavy chain that linked the cuffs together.
"I demand to see my daughter." Elrond didn't even want to think about what was happening to his sons. All the things he imagined...
"Elly-rond, you're going to see her today."
"Not in the dungeons." Surprisingly, Elwen agreed and spoke in the strange Sue-ish language into the Sue-rectangle. It was Ing-lesh, and was only used for secret talk. Elrond prepared himself for what was about to come.
"Suilaid Ada!" a woman who resembled Arwen but not quite said, walking in.
"This is not Arwen. She is of your kind."
"You're much cleverer than people make you out to be. Take him away! You'll find your sons are in good hands," Elwen smirked.
Arwen sat on the floor. She had cried so much all her tears were gone; there were none left to spend.
The first light she had seen in days almost blinded her Elf-eyes. It was her father!
"Adar, I do not know what to do."
Together, they comforted each other. Food seemed to appear out of nowhere, but the dungeons were highly guarded and there was no getting out weaponless.
2. Gondor
Cassidy sighed. Recently, Faramir had been allowed by Queen C'leniel of Gondor (which had survived the name changes…sort of) to go to the marketplace. However, he was under firm orders to return straight back…and now he had disappeared to somewhere they never mentioned in the movies!** It was so unfair.
Still, life in Gondor wasn't too bad. Still, it was full of mostly human girls whose plotlines involved themselves falling into Middle-earth. Still, Boromir attempted to slay their kind.
"Cassidy?" It was Karen, another like herself who had never read the source material.
"Hey Karen! What's up?" Cassidy asked. Apparently modern day earth's terminology had somehow survived.
"You know how Aragorn was supposed to be king?" Karen said, shyly and quietly.
"Hush!" Cassidy said. "You mustn't speak of it. Queen C'leniel is a wonderful queen. Don't usurp her."
"No! It's just…I have to journey to Rivendell." Karen said worriedly.
"Why? It's nice in Gondor."
"It is my destiny!" Karen cried. "I must, but I do not have the permission. You are high in her favor, you must come with me! I am sent by the Valar, a child of the Prophecy of Doom!" Sometimes Sues got dramatic and in character, forgetting the system and reverting into their stories.
"Karen?" Cassidy asked, confused.
"What?"
"What was…" Cassidy shook her hands around in the air. "That?"
"I dunno what you're talking about, love. Au revoir, Cassidy." And Karen left, leaving Cassidy. Cassidy decided the best place to go was the Queen. She was in charge, after all.
3. Mirkwood
"Oh, my, Legolas!" a high squeal echoed through the wine cellar, where Legolas was attempting to intoxicate himself.
"Leave me be, spawn of Morgoth!" the Elf spat. He had thought he would be safe in here for a little while, and it was far away from the main chambers.
"No! I have to tell everyone, I got him cornered! I'll be rewarded with two hours, at least!" the Sue said happily. She let out a five note whistle and Legolas winced, before jumping on her (the Sue squealed in delight, misinterpreting his actions) and bashing her head against the wall. Another three note whistle responded, Legolas's ears picking it up. He blew what he had learned was the response: "He got away! Continue activities!"
Later, the Sues would wonder why one of their kind had been brutally knocked out in the middle of an empty hallway. Legolas had made sure the cellar he had chosen was a small and concealed one.
The infestation was worse in Mirkwood. Legolas hadn't understood why until one day he found out all their weapons were gone and their was always someone in his bedroom. Eventually, he came here, a small enclosed cellar his father kept for very personal use. Unfortunately, the stronger stuff was kept in another cellar, near the Sue-Queen's room. Actually, it had been the Elvenking's room, but not anymore.
He sighed and sank down, shuddering. They were disgusting, foul, and beastlike. True, some of the Elves had fallen in love with them, but they seemed to enjoy Legolas's pain.
He raised a random bottle to his lips and let it slosh all over him. Perhaps if he smelled like alcohol they'd stay away…
4. The Shire
Frodo locked the door after the Sue ran away for a piece of seed-cake. They were most frightful, he thought to himself, as he drew all the curtains. Sam, Merry, and Pippin sat in chairs. There was a broken bottle of ale on the ground. The glass shard shimmered in the candle-light.
"Well? When do you think they'll leave?" Pippin asked through a mouthful of meat.
"Never, I daresay. I do hope they leave. They've got poor Rose Cotton trapped on a second floor dungeon, along with all the other hobbit women." Sam said sadly.
"Poor dear Estella," Merry added sadly. Frodo was quiet: he did not approve of the Sues. Especially the new Mayor: Lady Rosa.
Author's Note: Not as funny as I hoped. Hit that button and tell me what you think, please. I need to know how I can improve it. A few notes:
Translations:
Suilaid - Greetings. This is Sindarin.
Ada - Father.
*This name is the abbreviation of "Where Things Happen" a trend I've noticed in Sue-fic. Rivendell is considered a central area in some fanfics, so I thought I'd play on that.
**Emyn Arnen. I don't think they ever mentioned such a place in the movies. Since I don't consider myself knowledgeable on the subject, let's just say Faramir is making camp there :) and he couldn't rescue his brother.
I think I enjoy attempting to intoxicate characters. This is a rather action-less chapter, but I had to plotbuild somehow...