Pain. Pain so utterly unimaginable assaulted my body. It first flickered up my side before curling it's way around my neck, suffocating me with its relentlessness. With childish logic I tried to cry out in hopes of alleviating some of my suffering. No sound came of course. My voice had long been lost along with my body. I had long relinquished both in my deep dark sorrow. Perhaps if I had known what had awaited me I would have stayed with my brother. Perhaps, I would have been able to stay my cowardice feet as they took me ever closer to the crevice of fire in hopes of an end to my torment. His face, once alive with the light of trees, now darkened and creased in an endless agony as he begged me to stay with him. "Please, Nelyo. Don't abandon me."
But I had in the end. I had turned my back on his desperate pleas, shutting out the sound of his gut wrenching sobs as he came to realization that no words could keep me by his side and that he would soon be entirely alone with his anguish. And it is that moment, as my foot hovered over the drop into the molten abyss that haunts me. The moment I condemned myself to suffer the torment of endless memories as I await the ending of Arda within Namo's halls without hope of escape.
The pain of each memory assaults my fëa as though it is still capable of physical feeling. And I endure, for did I not doom myself to this fate. Do I not deserve the punishment of the Valar for my terrible deeds? I wonder at Námo's plans for me from time to time. Has he forgotten about my broken fëa that has retreated into the darkest corners of his halls to relieve the most painful memories I can dredge up in self- inflicting punishment?
I remember Námo's face when I first entered. How utterly terrified I was, wishing I could look away from his smooth expressionless face but unable. He betrayed no emotion, no hatred for me as I shook in front of him. His eyes only held great sadness and regret. And now, as I feel the halls slowly emptying of healed fëa's as they begin their lives anew I feel the pang of my loneliness all the more keenly. I allow myself to spiral downward into the depths of darkness and savagely push away the tendrils of soft soothing light that reach out to me in my confused anguished thoughts. I refuse to allow myself to heal, for first I must forgive myself and that is something that I cannot do, for to forgive myself for my evil deeds seems almost worse than the original horror. Inconceivable. And so I suffer.