Title: Happy Birthday
Summary: Another year of life has gone by and for Nicky, it is a chance to reflect on all of the pieces that have come together to complete who she is. Happy belated birthday, Natasha!
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©
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A/N: I really tried to get this up on Natasha's birthday (04/04) but as you will learn this story wasn't a piece of cake! AliceSloane13 helped me out with it so much (even if she's shy and doesn't think she did anything) but really, you rock. Thank you! *hugs*
I am really, really proud of this story! It is definitely my favorite thing to have written for this fandom thus far, and so I hope you all enjoy it.
Padding gently across the floor, cursing silently under her breath as she nearly tripped over Chapman's work boots, Red turned to throw a glare over her shoulder at the young woman's sleeping form. Gritting her teeth, she ignored the temptation of picking them up and throwing them at her. She had a reason for being up so early, and not even Chapman's big feet were going to deter her from her task. Making her way out of her cube, she glanced up toward the bubble, shaking her head in amusement as O'Neil's head fell back in exhaustion. Confident, that he would not be waking up anytime soon, she walked the short distance toward Nicky's cube, and leaned against the wall. A small smile played on her lips as she watched her daughter shift in her sleep, wild curls fanned out over her pillow.
The dim moon light sweeping over the dorm, casted the most beautiful shadow on her daughter's face. Playing with her earring, Red studied her from a distance. She watched in amazement as Nicky's nose twitched, and chuckled softly to herself at the ghost of a smile that caused the corner of her lips to curl upward. She had always thought Nicky was a beautiful girl, but looking at her now, completely at ease and unaware of being watched, she was breathtaking.
She looked so young and delicate, causing the maternal knot in Red's stomach to tighten with need. She couldn't quite explain it, but a gravitational pull that she had no control over caused her to walk toward her girl. Seating herself on the edge of her bunk, she cast a quick glance in Norma's direction before averting her gaze back to the soft features of her daughter's face.
Her hand moved of its own will, index finger tracing a line down the soft skin of Nicky's cheek and following the curve of her jaw. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, fighting back a smile as Nicky leaned into her touch. Stroking Nicky's hair out of her face Red shook her head in amusement as the curls wrapped around her fingers.
Nicky looked so sweet and peaceful lying there- like a child. Red lost herself in her innocence, almost forgetting why she had sought her out in the first place. Torn between letting her sleep and her own selfish desire to wake her, a feeling of guilt coursed through Red as her hands fell from where they framed Nicky's face to rest against her shoulders.
"Nicky," she whispered, shaking her gently. She smiled as Nicky groaned in response. "Nicky." Shaking her a little harder she smiled guiltily as Nicky's brown, unfocused eyes fluttered open.
"Ma?" Nicky questioned, voice raspy with sleep. She reclined further into her pillow and groaned. "What do you want?" Her face was scrunched into a tight scowl. "What time is it?"
"Midnight," Red practically sang. She shook Nicky again, this time more in excitement than desperation. "It's your birthday!" Leaning forward she planted a wet, sloppy kiss on her daughter's cheek. Ignoring her groans of protest, she moved to place another one on her forehead. "Happy birthday,moya lyubov!"
Any other time, Nicky would have welcomed Red's affection, but at midnight- her sleep having been interrupted- she was less than pleased. "You couldn't have waited until I was awake?" she growled sleepily. Her eyes fluttered closed once more at the feel of Red's fingers as they began to rake through the top of her hair.
"No," Red answered simply. "I wanted to be the first one to tell you." She smiled triumphantly. "Just like I do every year."
At this, Nicky grinned. She opened one eye and brought her hand up to catch Red's wrist. Nuzzling even further into her touch, she shifted just enough to bury her face into her pillow. A small squeal erupted from her lips, and she felt her cheeks heat up at the laugh that vibrated through Red's body.
"Why do you do this to me?" she whined. Moving to sit up, she shook her head in amusement as Red pushed her to lay back down.
Shrugging, Red leaned further across her body, her arms folding over Nicky's chest as she gazed into her eyes. "This is my favorite day of the year," she declared.
Nicky rolled her eyes, arm moving to drape over her forehead. "It's not even your birthday." She peaked another glance toward her mother and shook her head. She didn't understand what the big deal was. Her birthday should have been just another day.
"My point exactly." Red's nose scrunched up in disgust. "I hate my birthday, and we aren't talking about me. We're talking about you," Her smile widened, and her eyes lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July, "What do you want for breakfast?"
"Breakfast?" Nicky whispered. "I don't want food, I want to sleep."
Red rolled her eyes, "Don't be such a spoilsport, Nicky."
Spoilsport? Nicky raised an eyebrow in question. She brought her hand up to play with the ends of her mother's red hair, and popped her bottom lip out pleadingly. "Will you lay down with me?" she asked sweetly. Her hands moved to hold Red in place, already feeling her start to push herself away. "Please, please, please," she begged. "You're the one who woke me up."
"We won't fit on this little bed, Nicky." Red laughed softly, she stroked her hand lovingly over Nicky's profile.
Groaning in protest, Nicky grabbed her hand, gently nipping at her fingers. She smirked as Red rolled her eyes, and without any thought she intertwined their hands. It was a movement that had become so natural to her. Her thumb moving in slow strokes- back and forth- on the inside of Red's palm. She heard the older woman hum in contentment, and she felt her own body begin to relax. There was just something about being in Red's presence that just completely put her at ease- even when they weren't physically touching.
Slowly, Red pushed herself up from Nicky's chest and she chuckled softly as her daughter's bottom lip popped out even further, wobbling emotionally as she silently tempted her into staying. Knowing better than to give in, but never able to deny her girl anything, she nodded her head softly in consent.
"Okay," she whispered, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Move over." The excitement in Nicky's eyes as she scooted as close to the concrete divide as she could get, made the knowledge that she would wake up with a sore back worth it.
As soon as her head hit the pillow, she felt Nicky curling into her side, draping her leg over her hip. "I don't want you to leave me," Nicky explained. Her arm followed the same direction as her leg, her fingers finding and playing with the hoop earring that dangled from her mother's earlobe.
"Well," Red began teasingly, "I will have to get up at some point for work." Her hold on her child tightened, and she couldn't help but think how wrong she had been. The bunk was a little small, but she quite enjoyed the way Nicky was lying across her- she loved the way she was able to hold her from this position.
Nicky nodded against her in understanding. "As long as you don't leave before then." She felt Red's hand rub up and down the length of her back and she exhaled a long breath before inhaling a scent that was distinctly her mother's. "You smell like cookies."
"I think you're just hungry," Red laughed softly, rolling her eyes. This girl would surely be the death of her one day.
Feeling Nicky grow still against her, Red nuzzled her nose against her hair. She smiled softly, recognizing fully the gift she cradled in her arms. While Nicky may not celebrate her birthday, she had every intention of dotting on her darling girl as much as possible. How Nicky couldn't think it was a big deal was beyond her. She hadn't been lying when she had admitted April 4th was her favorite day of the year. How could it not be? Nicky had after all been the sole source of her happiness for the last five years.
Nicky unconsciously balled Red's shirt in her hands, humming as she did so. She curled impossibly closer into her warmth. Chuckling softly against her mass of curls, Red grinned. As tough as Nicky liked to play, there was an even softer side that lay beneath the surface. Hugging her girl close to her, and inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, she felt her body relax, giving into her exhaustion.
…
Waking up to the feeling of someone watching her, Nicky groaned, rolling her eyes as Lorna attacked her in the same frenzied excitement Red had. She was actually much worse than Red. At least when the older woman had come to wake her she had been gentle and sweet about it.
"Happy birthday, Nichols!" She kissed her forehead, her nose, and then her cheek. She shook her excitedly, laughing as Nicky struggled to get away from her. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!" she sang, yelling louder than what was really necessary.
Lorna had always loved a reason to celebrate; it had always meant purchasing a new outfit and a pair of heels. Now though, she'd have to make do with a fresh bottle of mascara and a new lipstick. Fleetingly, she wondered what she could barter Sophia with so that she could get her hair done. Her eyes cast down to her hands, which were wrapped around Nicky's uniform; her fingernail polish was chipped, and she knew that would need to be remedied as well.
Taking note of Lorna's sudden distraction Nicky used it to her advantage. Pushing her away, hands outstretched far in front of her, Nicky tried to put as much physical space between them as she possibly could. Turning her head in an attempt to escape Lorna's affection, Nicky groaned as her crazy, ex-lover attempted to kiss her again.
"Okay, okay," she laughed. "Enough with the singing. I get it. Happy birthday to me."
Lorna giggled and pulled back, her hands helping Nicky sit up. She practically bounced in place, her eyes wide and wild, her mouth moving a mile a minute as her excitement rolled off her tongue in waves. "Well get up, get up!" She hit her knee. "Come on, you can't spend your special day in bed."
"Why the hell not?" Nicky asked gruffly, swinging her legs over the small bunk to come and rest on the cold floor.
Shaking her head in annoyance, Lorna rolled her eyes as if the reason should have been obvious. "Red would never allow it, and honestly, neither will I, Nicky." She stood up and looked at her friend expectantly. "You and Red are some of the worst people when it comes to your own birthdays. You know that?"
Standing up, Nicky ran her hand through the top of her hair. Sucking on her teeth, she smirked to herself as Lorna grew more and more agitated. "There's not really much to celebrate," she explained. "Just another year of life wasted in this dump." Moving around her cube she dressed, and seating herself on Norma's bunk, she pulled on her shoes, roughly pushing the laces inside.
"But another year of life, Nicky." Lorna's hand found hers, and she pulled her out of the cube. "You turned another year older and if you ask me, that's something worth celebrating. Now come on, Red's making your special birthday breakfast."
"Just because I get served first, doesn't make it a special breakfast," she challenged.
Glaring at her over her shoulder, Lorna raised her eyebrow in displeasure. "I'm sure Red would be insulted to hear you say such a thing. She puts a lot of work into your birthday, Nicky. Don't be an ass."
"Fine," Nicky had the decency to blush, and she inclined her head in apology. "Lead the way, Mary Poppins. I promise to be on my best behavior."
"Of course you will," Lorna grinned, "even if I have to shove a spoonful of sugar down your throat."
...
As had been expected, there hadn't been a special breakfast, but Red had placed a special tray to the side for her. There was a few extra pieces of fruit, strawberry yogurt and a small carton of strawberry milk, however, and for that Nicky bowed her head in thanks.
Red smiled at her happily, "No problem, honey." She kissed her cheek, shaking her head as Nicky glared at her in warning.
"Let mama take care of you," Alex mocked, playfully knocking her friend in the back as she walked by. She chuckled as Nicky turned to scowl at her and she winked at her. It was all in good fun. She knew how much Nicky hated when she made fun of her, especially if it had anything to do with her relationship with Red, but she couldn't help it. It was a practice she excelled well in.
Waving her off, Red stroked a strand of hair out Nicky's face. Tilting her head, she watched as a light blush colored her daughter's cheek. "Don't be so shy, Nicky," she told her knowingly. "It's okay to let people celebrate you." She laughed at the eyeroll she got in response. "I get it. You're over the day." She held her hands up in understanding, well aware of the fact that she was driving Nicky a little insane. "But just because you're over it, doesn't mean I'm going to stop," her hand reached out to cup her cheek and she bit back a smile as Nicky leaned into her touch. "You're worth celebrating, sweetheart."
"Yea, yea" Nicky grumbled. She really did enjoy all the effort Red put into making sure her day was a good one, it was just that no one had ever gone so far out of their way for her before. Even after the past few years, she wasn't sure how to just roll with it. "We'll see how you handle everyone fussing over you when it's your birthday." She smiled gently and turned on her heel, making her way to join the rest of the family.
Please no singing, she thought as she approached the table. Her hands gripped tightly to her tray as she walked, one foot in front of the other.
Seating herself across from Piper, she held up her hand reflexively, as the blonde began to open her mouth. She knew anything that came out of it would be no good. "No singing," she pleaded desperately. "Please, spare me. I heard you all in the talent show and trust me, there's nothing to brag about."
"Aren't we just a ray of sunshine, today?" Boo asked jokingly.
Lorna rolled her eyes in mock disgust. "Don't you mean cloud of dread?" She threw her hands in the air, clearly distressed by Nicky's uncaring attitude. "Who doesn't love their birthday?" she asked. "Everyone loves celebrating their birthday."
Nicky rolled her eyes, pulling the top of her yogurt off. "Not everyone." She spooned a biteful into her mouth and closed her eyes as the yummy flavor saturated her tongue. She hummed to herself in pleasure before devouring another bite.
It wasn't long until Piper and Alex had managed to round the table up into heated debate about Beyonce, and for that Nicky was grateful. As long as the conversation wasn't centered on her she could handle it. She continued to eat her yogurt, offering a sarcastic comment whenever needed.
"My birthday girl!" Red suddenly declared from behind her. Even if she had tried, she wouldn't have been able to contain the pride in her voice as she spoke. Her hands fell to Nicky's shoulders, and she lovingly squeezed the muscles beneath her hands. She pulled Nicky to rest against her breastbone, and she playfully ran her fingers through the length of her hair. Fussing over her, she leaned down just enough to place a soft kiss to her crown. She felt Nicky shake her head against her in annoyance, and she chuckled softly in response. "She doesn't like being fussed over," she stated knowingly, winking at the Sister who was just as amused as everyone else.
Nicky growled under her breath, leaning forward on the table. "That's because you lose it, Red." She picked at the food on her plate. "You go all Chapman on me."
Alex, who'd just taken a sip of her juice, spit it back into her cup, unable to contain her laughter as she caught the look of shock on her girlfriend's face.
"Nice, Nicky," Chapman dropped her plasticware to clatter against her tray. "Why am I always the butt of everyone's jokes?"
Boo slowly pulled the sausage from her fork with her teeth. "You make it easy," she smirked, "I mean, just look at your life."
...
Sitting on her bunk, Nicky leaned against the concrete wall. She breathed a sigh of relief, and closed her eyes, enjoying her first moments of being alone all day. Laughing gently to herself she shook her head in exhaustion as she realized her day was not even close to being over. God help her, her family would surely be the death of her.
Where did all this excitement about birthdays even come from? She had never really enjoyed celebrating the day, never mind the fact that before coming to Litchfield she never had anyone to even celebrate with anyway. Marka had always found some reason to be absent. There was either a case keeping her away or some benefit or other commitment that she just couldn't get out of.
"We'll celebrate when I get home." She would promise, and before she would leave she would remind Paloma, "Don't forget to pick up her cake."
Sitting up straight, she fingered the small stack of mail in her lap. Speaking of the she-devil, Nicky noticed Marka's name peek out at her, neatly scrawled across the top corner of one of the letters.
Nervously, Nicky glanced a look around the dorms, while she had no reason to be on edge, or even apologetic for opening her own mail, she couldn't help but feel guilty- almost as if she were betraying Red- for wanting to see what her mother had sent her. She hadn't heard from her in over a year, so this was the last thing she had expected.
Pulling the flap open, she pulled a pink birthday card out of the envelope. Nicky nodded her head in acceptance, and caught her bottom lip between her teeth. Marka. That was all the card said, some generic hallmark birthday quote and then she had only signed her name. There was no personalized message, no "I miss you" or "I love you", just… "Marka". She hadn't even bothered to sign it mom.
Why Nicky felt disappointed, she didn't know. It's not as if she should have expected anything different. Bringing the card closer to her face, further inspecting the handwriting, she laughed bitterly. Her head tossing back involuntarily as her chest vibrated with laughter.
"God," she groaned, a bitter tear slipping unbidden down her cheek. "This isn't even her handwriting!" Slapping the card closed, she ripped it in half. The sound of it tearing was music to her ears. She continued to shred it, the pieces becoming smaller and smaller until they were nothing more than specks of color. Throwing it up in the air above her head, she watched as it all came floating down around her. "Happy fucking birthday to me."
Unwilling to sit around and be miserable because of that woman, especially when there were so many people who genuinely wanted to be with her and see her happy, Nicky pushed herself off of her bunk. Her pace was quick and fast as she made a beeline for the door. She had been so focused on leaving and finding anyone to talk to, she hadn't even recognized the person walking up on her.
"Hey Sunshine," it was Luschek. He smiled at her suggestively, "Where you going? Is the party already starting?"
"Ah, come on man," she teased. "You know Red's the last person who'd want you there."
He chuckled, rolling his eyes, his hand coming to rub guiltily at the back of his neck. "She still upset with me?" he asked. "It's not like I didn't bring you back,"
"I would have never left if you-"
He held his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay." He sighed in frustration, running a nervous hand down the length of face, suddenly feeling guilty and slightly on edge. He needed to get out of this dorm, the last person he wanted to see was Red. He'd done a hell of a job avoiding her since the beginning of this whole mess, and he wasn't prepared to break his streak of luck just yet. "Let's get out of here," he suggested, turning on his heel.
"It's my birthday," Nicky warned. "Not yours. There is no birthday sex." She smirked, thinking of Morello. "Well… Maybe there will be birthday sex, if I can get her to stop talking about her husband, and singing… she needs to stop singing to me."
He grinned at her, "So on my birthday there will be birthday sex?"
"Sure," she smiled, head tilted to this side as she winked at him seductively. "You can sleep with any woman you want to, as long as she isn't me." She skipped a beat, not able to resist. "I'm not sure who would want to sleep with you, but I'm sure you can find someone desperate enough."
"What about birthday spankings?" He asked playfully, "Those off limits too?"
She smirked, her hair fanning over her eyes as she inclined her head. "To you they are."
Making their way outside, they walked around to the back, more seclusive part of the prison. Pulling a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, he offered her one. "Here," gruffly he pushed the box further into her direction. "Take one," he encouraged, fighting back the desire to roll his eyes at her more than obvious skepticism. "Go ahead, happy birthday." He noticed her coy grin, "And you can forget about me singing to you."
"I'm sure your voice isn't that great anyway." She smiled at him widely, and reached into the package. "Thanks," popping a cigarette into her mouth she leaned toward him just enough so that he could light it. Taking a long breath, and holding it a moment longer than necessary, she slowly exhaled it. Her eyes closed in ecstasy. Who knew something so bad for you could feel so good?
He watched her in amazement, mouth practically drooling. "I've never seen anything so sexy." He shook his head, attempting to dispel the inappropriate thoughts that suddenly flooded forward. As her lips wrapped back around the base of her cigarette, he had to look away. "I think you get enjoyment out of torturing me."
Rolling her eyes, she blew out another breath of smoke. He was utterly ridiculous, and at times just damn near impossible, but she liked him. Even with all the drama, and the downhill visit to max, she couldn't find it within herself to let him go. As crazy as he drove her, he made her feel sane.
"Do you celebrate your birthday?" she asked suddenly, unaware that she had even opened her mouth to speak until the sound of her own voice had reached her ears.
Why she was so interested, she had no idea. The things Lorna had told her that morning, however, were starting to resonate with her. Thinking about it objectively, the girl did have a point. Despite where they were and what challenges they still faced- she had made it another year.
Five years ago, when she had first gotten to Litchfield she didn't think she would survive the first night, let alone be here now, in the present. It was odd, thinking back on it. Those first few weeks had been some of the hardest days of her life- until max- of course. None of it had been a good experience, but reflecting back on it, she was proud of the progress she had made.
The sound of Luscheck's raspy voice pulled her from her thoughts, and she shook her head in an attempt to regain focus. He too seemed to be in a world all his own as he took her down a brief tour of memory lane.
"When I was younger my mom used to go all out," he smiled fondly at the memory, the boyish grin making him look years younger. "My favorite was this Spider Man party that she threw for my ninth birthday. The cake looked like shit, but she had made it herself, and she had worked so hard on it." He kicked the dirt, shaking his head as he recalled the way she had smiled at him when she had presented it. She had been so proud of herself. "What about you?" he asked gently.
Nicky was the only one he dared to let peek a glimpse into his personal life. He had never trusted an inmate before, and truth be told, he probably never would again. There was something different about Nichols though, and it wasn't just his attraction toward her- it was more than that. He didn't know why he cared so much. He wasn't even sure when he had started.
Realistically, he conceded that his true reason for being so honest with her, had to do with the fact that he still felt like he owed her something. With everything that had transpired between them, and the state of distraught he had saw her in- it was the least he could do.
"I never had a birthday party," she confessed. She shrugged sadly at the look of pity she saw wash over his features. "Not a real one anyway." She shook her head. "My mom always worked late, and by the time she got home I was asleep. She'd throw something later for me, but it was more of a social hour for her and her friends. I guess it was for the best, not like I had many friends anyway… at least, not at that age."
"You really never had a party?"
She smirked, shaking her head no. "Not until I got here, and Red threw one for me." Smiling fondly, she shrugged her shoulders. "It's kind of her thing, righting the wrongs of my childhood."
Looking down toward the ground, he kicked at the dirt. It was painful to hear her talk about the relationship she had with Red. He hadn't realized how deep it ran, or how much he had stolen away from the both of them by selling her out. He was almost tempted to apologize, but fearful that she'd walk away. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her.
He understood Red's resentment toward him, it wasn't like he could blame her. She was only doing what she did best, looking out for her kid. He couldn't fault her for that. He hadn't ever been particularly close with her to begin with, but since the whole thing had went down he had constantly felt as if he were a moving target.
Oblivious to Luschek's internal turmoil, Nicky lost herself to the memory of her first birthday in Litchfield. Red had woke her up the same way she had that morning, except she hadn't stayed to lay down, and her message had been brief. Looking back on it, Nicky realized she had probably been concerned that she was stepping over some non-existing boundaries. But despite whatever fear Red may have possessed, she had gone all out. With what they had to make do with, she had turned the common room into a real showroom. She had slaved in the kitchen all day, making several different foods and desserts; she had even managed to get Nicky a gift.
"You didn't have to get me anything," Nicky whispered, shyly taking the small package from her. She laughed gently to herself, eyeing the wrapping. It was a wadded up napkin with a piece of floss tied around it.
Red nodded, gruffly responding. "I know I didn't."
Fingering the extremely thin bow, Nicky delayed the process of opening it. She was still working to process how she felt, and even though she was uncomfortable with all of the attention, she wasn't quite ready for it to end.
"Well," Red encouraged her, gesturing to the gift. "Open it already. You wait any longer it'll be my birthday."
Nicky nodded, holding her hands up defensively. "Don't rush me!" slowly she pulled the floss apart and watched as the napkin gently opened to reveal a line of gold. Confused, she peeked a look up toward Red who simply nodded for her to continue. "Red," she groaned lightly, pulling a gold chain free from the napkin.
Jewelry? This was too much. A cake was one thing, but this? This was ridiculous.
Fingering the small pendent, she looked toward the older woman in question.
"I'm not religious," Red began, taking the necklace from her, "so I have no idea what the charm is." She pushed Nicky gently, encouraging her to turn around. Grabbing a fist full of her hair with one hand, she moved Nicky's to take over the task of holding it as she fastened the necklace around her neck. "My son picked it out." She sounded annoyed, her attention intently focused on clasping the back of the necklace together. "Leave it to Vasily to get the most religious thing. Are you even religious, Nicky? Do you know what this charm is supposed to be?"
Shaking her head no, Nicky only dropped her hair when she felt Red tap her hand expectantly. "No idea," she whispered, fingers coming to grip the necklace. Turning back around to face her, Nicky shifted from side to side uncomfortably.
Red slapped her hand away, seemingly unaware of her state of shock. "Well whatever it is," her own hand came up to finger the chain as she spoke, "It looks beautiful on you."
The strong sound of her mother's Russian accent pulled Nicky from her musings." Because that's what she needs, Luschek?" she sounded more annoyed than angry. "Cancer? You couldn't have thought of a better idea for a gift."
Rolling his eyes, Luschek waved her away. It seemed as if his goodluck streak of not seeing her was finally coming to an end. Leave it to Nichols to mount him between a rock and a hard place.
Smiling softly, despite Red's annoyance, Nicky gently greeted her. "Hey," she held her free hand out pulling her toward her. "How'd you know I was back here?"
Her hand coming to rest on Nicky's back, she smiled lovingly, "I always know where you are," she shrugged her shoulders, "and when I went to the dorms and you weren't there I figured you were getting into trouble." She looked over toward Luschek, a low growl rumbling in her throat, "It didn't take a genius to realize it was with this khuyesover."
Nicky's eyes widened, and she bumped her mother's shoulder gently with her own, a coy and amused smile on her lips. Whatever Red had just slurred was better left in Russian.
"Really, Nicky?" Red asked, plucking the cigarette out of her hand and stomping on it. "Can't you find better friends to occupy your time with?"
At this, Luschek raised an eyebrow. Inhaling a large breath from his cigarette he casually asked, "How's Healy doing?"
Ignoring him, Red continued to lecture her. "Like the Sister or even Yoga." Her eyes lit up in excitement as she grabbed Nicky's bicep. "You love seeing girls bend over into pretzel forms, besides, it'll be good for your imagination."
Smirking, Nicky's right hand came up to rub where Red was gripping her arm. "I'll think about it," she promised patting her hand affectionately.
Nodding in acceptance, Red turned to point accusingly, at the drunken sleaze ball. "And you," her voice hardened just a tad, her accent becoming thicker than it had been minutes ago, "go find someone else's daughter to harass and leave mine alone."
Blowing a breath of smoke into the older woman's face, Luschek smiled smugly as she lamely batted it away with her hand. She glared at him, her hold on Nicky tightening slightly.
"Hey," Nicky warned, shoving him playfully. "Don't be an ass."
Red rolled her eyes. "He can't help it," she said refocusing her attention back onto him. "It's in his nature."
Tempted to write her a shot for insubordination, but knowing that would just piss Nicky off, Luschek sighed in frustration. The only way to beat this woman was to play her at her own games. Innocently, he smiled and held his hands up in apology.
Taking an innocent step towards her, Luschek tried to keep a straight face."You know, Red, if I wasn't already in love with Nicky," he paused, briefly expecting to be slapped, "and even if I was into MILF's," his hand came up to touch the ends of her hair, "I feel there could really be something between us."
Well aware that he was joking and not at all a threat, Nicky couldn't help but smirk at the look of disgust that suddenly washed over Red's face. Sucking her bottom teeth, and wanting to make him as uncomfortable as he had made Red, Nicky asked, "Didn't you screw Judy King?"
"Nicky, come find me when you're done here." Realizing the joke, Red turned on her heel. The last thing she needed was for the administration to add one hundred years to her sentence because she killed one of their brainless employees.
Watching Red's figure become smaller the further away she got, Nicky turned and punched him in the arm. "Why are you an ass?"
"Ow," he groaned, rubbing at the spot she had just hit. He chanced an innocent smile at her, hoping she wasn't too upset. "Why should you be the only one who gets to enjoy their day?" Not waiting for her to answer, he too watched as Red disappeared into the prison. "You know, she's like that woman from Monster-in-Law. What's her name?"
Nicky raised an eyebrow in confusion, "Jane Fonda?"
Laughing, Luschek ran a hand over the back of his neck. He could clearly picture Red crushing up peanuts and trying to kill him. He sent a silent prayer of thanks up, grateful that he didn't have any food allergies.
"I always thought she looked like that Kate Mulgrew actress. You know, the one who flies around space?"
Luschek stared at her blankly, shrugging his shoulders. "Never heard of her."
Rolling her eyes, and abandoning their conversation, Nicky turned to head back inside. "Goodbye," she called over her shoulder in disappointment. Her mother may have been a true disappointment in general, but at least she had exposed her to true artists.
Thinking briefly of Marka caused a painful tingle to twist in the pit of her stomach. Even after all this time, she still couldn't see how the woman could feel no remorse for the way their relationship had turned out. Shaking her head, hoping to permanently dispel all thoughts of her absent mother, Nicky squared her shoulders, her head rising so that she would appear a little stronger. Whatever could have been between them didn't matter- not anymore. She didn't need her. She had everything she needed and to want more than that would be selfish- heartless even. Red had done so much for her- always sacrificing for her- it was time to make peace with her past, no matter how hard or painful it would be.
…
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!"
Nicky raised an eyebrow in surprise as her family began to sing. A smiled stretched across her lips as Red placed a large, vanilla cake in front of her.
"Happy birthday dear, Nicky! Happy birthday to you!"
Clapping, even though she thought they all sounded awful, Nicky laughed gleefully. She fought the urge to roll her eyes as Lorna tackled her from behind, squeezing her tightly and pressing a loving kiss to her neck. She was sure she'd have a lipstick stain, and in a way it never had before, her heart swelled with love.
"Thank you," Nicky mumbled, shaking her head in amusement.
"Here," Red offered her the knife. She thrust it in her direction. "Take it, Nicky," she insisted, "You're supposed to cut the first piece."
Shaking her head, Nicky took the knife. "I don't trust you with sharp objects, Red"
"It's plastic."
"Still dangerous," Nicky countered. Making the first cut into the cake she offered Red the knife back and looked at her expectantly. "You're still supposed to serve it to me," she chastised. Her smiled widened as Red handed her the piece she had cut. "Thank you, Mommy."
"Mmhmm," Red responded, gesturing for her to sit down so that she could finish cutting the cake. "Since you only cut a piece for yourself," she gritted through her teeth.
Biting the inside of her cheek, Nicky ate small bites of her cake. She watched as Red slipped into the role of a hostess. It fit her naturally, she looked much more at ease when she was serving others. Despite how much of a hardass she pretended to be, Nicky knew this was what the woman had been born to do. Not only did she look completely at peace, but she looked beautiful, younger even.
Briefly, Nicky wondered what Red had been like before prison. She knew all the stories about her family and about her store, and everything about what she was doing now only confirmed to Nicky her suspicions that she had been wonderful in that life. A twinge of jealousy shot through her at she thought about the kind of mother she must have been, how incredibly lucky her boys had been to have had someone like her. She was sure they had the best birthday's- the best life. For Red's sake, Nicky hoped her sons treasured those memories. She would have given anything to have even a piece of what they had growing up.
"Nicky?"
Hearing her name being called, she looked up to meet the most striking pair of blue eyes, filled with so much love and adoration. "Hmm?" she asked, a piece of cake sticking to the corner of her lips.
Laughing softly, Red brushed the crumbs off of her mouth. "I was going to ask how it was." Her face softened.
Nodding her head, Nicky smiled, "Better than Spider-Man." At the look of confusion that played across her mother's features, she shook her head. "It's good, thank you."
Gently she ran the back of her hand across Nicky's cheek. "I know, I just wanted to hear you say it," Red winked at her knowingly. Her lips thinned into a line as Nicky dropped her head. She watched her intently as Nicky picked at her dessert, smashing the yummy goodness into her plate. "Nicky," she waited until the girl was looking at her again before she spoke, her hand moving to push a strand of hair back behind her ear. "You okay?"
Nodding, Nicky softly whispered, "Yea, Ma." She smiled sweetly, "Why?"
Gripping her chin, Red studied her girl. Eyes squinting as she struggled to see through the wall she knew Nicky was beginning to cower behind. "Let's go," she mouthed. "Come on,"
Raising an eyebrow in response, Nicky stared at her in question. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Where are we going?"
Shrugging, Red lifted her head up to peer around the crowded room. "Outside," it was more of a suggestion than it was a question. "You look like you could use some air." Gesturing with her head for Nicky to follow her, she didn't wait for a response before she turned on her heel.
Pulling down the arms of her longsleeve, Nicky followed two customary steps behind the older woman. It had been a place she had grown accustomed to being in. For her it wasn't a sign of dominance or even control- it was about protection. So long she'd had to fight for herself that it was nice to relinquish that responsibility to someone else, even if it was only for a short time. Red had taken it upon herself to look out for her, and though at times Nicky struggled with dropping her guard, it was a welcomed gesture.
Knowing exactly what it was her girl was doing, Red faltered in her steps, smiling guiltily at Nicky as they began walking shoulder to shoulder. "You know I hate when you do that," she chastised, her voice light. For her everything was about control. Where her girls walked mattered, it signaled the dynamic of her relationships with them.
With Nicky, however, thing were different, it mattered most where she walked. Always feeling her girl was her equal, and yet at the same time also feeling responsible for her safety, Red preferred if Nicky would walk next to her- side by side- or at the very least, a half step behind her.
Holding the door for Red, Nicky nodded her head as she mumbled her thanks. Stepping into the night air, she inhaled a deep breath as she prepared herself for what was to come. She knew Red could tell when something was bothering her, she always could. Looking up to face her, she hoped her eyes conveyed everything she couldn't put into words.
Smiling at her, Red held out her hand. She frowned when Nicky didn't take it, and instead moved to place it on the small of her back. Nicky increased her pace slightly so they were once more walking along side one another. In silence they made their way to the picnic table. Red seated herself on top, drawing the zipper of her hoodie up as she did so. Leaning forward, elbows resting on her knees, she watched as Nicky sat on the bench, her hands wrapped in the cuffs of her longsleeve shirt as her fingers twiddled together restlessly.
A small smile played on Nicky's lips as she watched the stars glistening in the distance. Turning her head, her eyes nearly bulged out when she noticed Red staring at her. "What?" she asked innocently. Still, as Red continued to stare at her she couldn't help but laugh nervously, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. Her heavy, mascara coated eyelashes fluttering dramatically. "Why are you staring at me like that?" she tilted her head, curious to hear her answer.
Laughing softly, Red shook her head. "No reason," she promised. Sitting up straight, she continued to lovingly gaze down at the beautiful gift in front of her.
Not at all convinced, that was the truth, Nicky couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in question. "You're looking at me funny." Her tone was softer than she had expected, and she cleared her throat, slightly annoyed with herself for sounding so delicate.
"I am not," Red swore. Nicky titled her head, lips pursed together in disbelief. Feeling a deep blush sweep over her face, Red was grateful for the dark sky. Dropping her head in hopes of avoiding Nicky's questioning eyes, she continued, "I'm not looking at you funny." She shook her head and cleared her throat in the same nervous manner Nicky had done earlier. "I'm just… looking at you."
Not giving herself anytime to take notice of the sudden flutters that erupted in her abdomen, Nicky hit her leg. "Well stop," she warned. As she spoke her body broke into an involuntarily shiver. Something that she would later realize, was an attempt to rid herself of the warm, tingling feeling. "It's weird."
"How so?" Red challenged, suddenly feeling brave.
Nicky rolled her eyes. Attempting to recreate her accent, a poor job on her account, she mocked her, "How so?" she crossed her eyes as she spoke, and tossed her hair back over her shoulder. Letting her face relax, she sucked at her teeth and ran her tongue along the top of them. She nodded toward the older woman and asked, "What would you think if I was staring at you?"
Without missing a beat, Red responded, "That you wanted something."
Despite her best efforts to remain stoic, a small smile tugged at the corner of her lips. Squinting, Nicky wagged a finger in her direction. "What do you want, Ma?" She should have known better; should have known that she was up to something. Relaxing, Nicky turned just enough to prop herself up on her elbow and leaned against the table.
"Tell me something I don't know about you." She watched as Nicky struggled to come up with a response. Her eyes softened at the light pressure she felt against her knee and she looked down to see Nicky's hand.
Her gaze focused on her fingers as she traced light, lazy patterns against Red's knee, Nicky refused to look at her. Mindlessly, her index finger traced the outline of a heart. "You know everything about me," she whispered. Her brows furrowed in response to her own statement and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. Red knew almost everything.
The promise she had made to herself earlier that day came to the front recess of her mind. She had vowed to lay her past to rest- had planned to make peace with what she had. However, the little voice in her head argued that she would never be able to do that as long as she still harbored secrets.
"Hmm," Red hummed, oblivious to her distress. "I don't know, Nicky," she teased, her hand reaching out to finger her curls. She wrapped them around her finger and pulled them playfully, watching in wonder as they spang to life. "I learn something new about you every day." She was lost in the wonder of motherhood, enjoying the reality of seeing things through her daughter's eyes.
The joy in her voice caused Nicky's stomach to knot with guilt. Could she really flip Red's world upside down? Maybe things were better left in the dark, they couldn't hurt anyone else there.
Her tone softened to a degree Nicky had never heard before, "Even after all these years, Nicky, you still surprise me." Red's words made her heart ache. It was no secret how she felt about Nicky. Red had always spoken the truth- you could hear it in her voice. The amount of tenderness and love was overwhelming.
Before Nicky had a chance to respond, Piper sounded off from behind them. She had never been more grateful for her presence than she had been at that moment. A dopey grin on her face, Piper approached them with two slices of cake in her hands.
"Why did you two disappear out here?" she asked casually, setting the pieces of cake down on the table. Shrugging, Nicky watched her movements. Appreciative for the sudden distraction. "You having a good birthday, Nicky?"
Birthday. There went that damn word again. "A celebration of life," as Lorna had described it. There was once a point where Nicky had not seen a reason to celebrate her life. In fact, there had been a point in time when she hadn't even seen a reason for living.
Hearing Red politely- as polite as Red could be- dismiss Piper, Nicky realized that she would have to tell her. It was something she needed to do. If not to clear her own conscious, then to further her connection with Red. She didn't want to keep secrets from her, but she didn't want to keep dwelling on her past either. So wrapped up in her own world, Nicky hadn't even realized Red had started speaking again.
"Here." Red thrust a fork full of cake toward her. "Take a bite,"
Shaking her head, a small, uninvited laugh ripping through her, Nicky pushed her hand away. "I don't want any, Ma." She didn't miss the look of hurt that flashed in her eyes. "Fine," she relented, rolling her eyes, annoyed with herself for giving in so easily. "Ahh." She opened her mouth, lips closing around the fork. Nodding her head as she swallowed she said, "Very good."
Using the same fork to take a bite of the cake herself, Red nodded in agreement. She had done a great job. Licking her lips, she placed the plate down next to her and sat up straight, shoving her hands into her pockets.
Seeing her eyes widen in surprise, Nicky glared at her. "What do you got?" she asked skeptically.
Producing a match box she wagged it suggestively in Nicky's face. Flipping the front open, and ripping a match from the pack, she struck it out on the side of the box."Make a wish!" she exclaimed, eyes focused on the small, simple fire that burnt between her fingers.
Opening her mouth, not quite sure how to respond, Nicky shook her head in confusion. Hearing Red shout her name, a slew of Russian curses following, she looked up, her eyebrow raising high in question.
"Damn it, Nicky!" Red gritted through her teeth, dropping the burnt match to the ground. She glared at her child as she brought her fingers up to her lips, a lame attempt to ease the burning. "Okay," she said, running her hand down the front of her pants. "Let's try this again." Shaking her head, she ripped another match from the package. "And actually blow it out this time, I don't want to get burnt again."
Nodding in understanding Nicky waited until a second flame appeared. Smiling softly, she nodded her head and quickly closed her eyes, she blew the flame out in one breath.
Laughing gently, Red shoved the matches back into her pocket and smiled lovingly at her girl. "So," she began softly, eyes expectant, "What did you wish for?"
Nicky rolled her eyes, "I can't tell you,"
"You don't even like birthday's but this is the tradition you decide to stick to?" Rolling her eyes, she resisted the urge to flick Nicky on the forehead. She watched Nicky a moment, enjoying the sight of her. She really was a beautiful girl. She was a lucky mama.
Glancing down, her hand automatically reaching for the cake, Nicky pushed the desert around with a yellow, plastic fork unaware that she was being watched. "You really wanna know something?" she asked.
Red nodded, leaning forward on her knees once more. "Yes," she declared. "Tell me something I don't know about you."
Picking a piece of cake up with the fork, Nicky twisted her wrist, watching as the breaded pastry fell back onto the plate. "I don't like vanilla cake," she confessed, a smirk on her lips. She glanced up toward her mother and had to look away, unable to bite back her amusement at her look of horror.
"Nicky!" Red chastised, the hurt evident.
Unable to help herself, Nicky shook her head in acknowledgment. Her laughter vibrating through her chest, she placed her hands on Red's lap. "I'm sorry," she apologized with a shy smile. "But I really, really don't like it."
Glaring at her, Red smacked her hands. "Then why do you have me make it for you?" The annoyance was obvious, but she wasn't angry.
Her fingers once more tracing heart shapes on Red's knee, Nicky shrugged her shoulders gently. "I don't know," she confessed in a whisper. "Because you like vanilla, and it makes you happy, and I'm happy when you're happy."
Catching Nicky's hand in hers, Red uttered a few incoherent words. Her eyes closed as she struggled to get a grip on how exactly she wanted to respond. "Nicky," she whispered. Opening her eyes she was met with the warm, brown ones of her daughters.
Watching Red struggle to articulate a sentence bought Nicky enough time to get her thoughts in order. Her eyes broke from Red's sapphire ones, and she focused her attention on where her hands rested on the older woman's legs. She could feel Red staring at her but in order to get through this she had to dissociate. "Do you remember that night in the bathroom?" she asked softly, continuing to keep her gaze focused on her fingers as they continued to rub along Red's leg.
"I have trouble seeing, Nicky." She lifted up the purple glasses, which dangled from a purple string around her neck. Her tone was tense but the joke was obvious, as she continued, "My memory, however, is still as sharp as a fork."
Raising her head, Nicky's brows furrowed in confusion. "A tack, Red," she corrected."Your memory is as sharp as a tack."
Glaring at her, Red broke into a smile as Nicky's body shook with laughter. She watched as Nicky adjusted, scooting closer to her. She crossed her arms over Red's knee, her chin coming to rest on top of them. Turning her head to the side as she felt Red's hand start to take through her hair, she sighed softly in contentment.
You can do this. She felt safe. Inhaling a deep breath, a painful confession left her lips as she exhaled. "You saved my life that night." Her words were so quiet, that Red almost had to strain to hear them.
Her hands never stopped moving, but Red would have sworn that her heart had stopped. Shaking her head, even though she knew Nicky couldn't see her, she continued to run her fingers through her hair. "It was a hard night, Nicky," she agreed quietly. Casting a quick glance down to the young woman in her arms, she was not fooled by her size. Nicky was the strongest person she knew. "You would have gotten through it on your own." She needed Nicky to recognize her own strength.
Her left hand fell to Red's ankle and she began to trace the same lazy patterns that she had on her knee, to the skin that she encountered. "You don't understand," she whispered. Not allowing Red any time to process her words, she blurted out, "I wanted to die that night."
Something in the way she spoke, the pain that was etched into every syllable, made Red halt her ministrations. Glancing down to the mass of wild curls sprawled across her lap, she shook her head no. This wasn't the type of conversation she had been expecting. Her eyes traveled down the length of Nicky's back, and when she saw her body move up and down, a sign that she was breathing, she felt her heart begin to beat wildly in her chest.
Not wanting to, but needing to clarify her suspicions, Red's voice was hoarse as she asked, "What do you mean?" She held her breath as she waited for a response. She was comforted by Nicky's fingers on her ankle, but she needed more. The thought of living her life without Nicky seemed impossible. It wasn't even an idea she was willing to entertain.
Shaking her head no, Nicky gripped tightly to her, wanting to be as close as she could, but not yet prepared to look her in the eye. "Ma," she mumbled, her head still moving against her. "I mean I-" she choked on her words, her throat dry as she struggled to get them out. "I mean I really wanted to die."
Her heart broke as she realized the magnitude of her daughter's words. "You're not just talking about escaping or ending withdrawal pain are you?" Nodding in understanding, her hands began to once more work their way through Nicky's hair. Leaning forward, she placed a soft kiss to her temple. "That night had nothing to do with you being in withdrawal, did it?" she felt Nicky shake her head no again, and she quickly looked heavenward. She had to get a hold of herself, she had to be strong for Nicky. She didn't want her to stop talking and bottle this up; this was what she was supposed to be here for. It was her job as her mother. "You had already made up your mind."
"I took something," Nicky confessed, finally lifting her head to look into her mother's eyes. It was more than just thinking about suicide. She had actually tried to kill herself, and had Red not walked in, she probably would have succeeded. Nicky felt Red's hands move to cup her face, and she leaned into her touch. "That night I took a lot," she shrugged, trailing off at she heard her sharp intake of breath "Well, obviously not enough, but…" She tried to move out of Red's grip and growled gently in the back of her throat as the woman's hold on her only tightened.
"Hey," Red warned in a low growl. Her hands moved from Nicky's face to tangle in her hair as she pulled her close. Dropping her forehead to rest against Nicky's, she whispered, "You can talk to me. About anything. Okay?" She relaxed visibly when her girl nodded in understanding. She released her hold on her. Encouraging her to place her head back in her lap she began to play with her hair once more, hands also coming to rub the tense muscles in her neck. "So, first question," she attempted to keep her tone even and light, sure that if she over reacted Nicky would shut down. "You aren't having any of these thoughts now are you?" Her accent was thick, causing Nicky to really focus on what she was saying.
"No," Nicky promised. Her eyes fluttered closed as she enjoyed Red's loving affection. "I just started thinking about it today," she whispered softly. "It was something Lorna said." Feeling Red stiffen, she squeezed her knee gently. "Nothing like that, Ma" she promised. She knew Red would have no problems choosing sides if it really came down to it, but it wasn't Lorna's fault. Wanting to cool her mother's temper before it blazed into an uncontrollable inferno, she continued, "This whole birthday thing in general just got me thinking about that night."
"So you're okay?" Red asked, "Right now? Right now you are okay?"
"Yes," Nicky echoed. "Right now I am okay." She turned her head just a bit a smiled shyly as she met her mother's eyes. "This isn't what you had in mind when you wanted me to tell you something, was it?"
"Not quite," smiling down at her, she leaned forward to place another kiss on her face. "And don't try to change the subject," she growled near her ear. "Tell me." Nicky turned to look away from her, and she leaned forward once more. "Talk to me, Nicky," she encouraged. "Nothing you say will make me love you any less."
Gripping her ankle tightly, Nicky nodded. "I know," she promised. "I know it's just… it's embarrassing."
"Don't be embarrassed, Nicky." Her hands began to scratch at the base of Nicky's neck, and she smiled as her girl shivered in response. "You're not the first one to contemplate the idea," she informed her truthfully, "but I would like to understand."
Their night in the bathroom had been days, nearly a week, after Nicky had first arrived. They hadn't had much interaction before then. Maybe Nicky had mumbled good morning to her as she walked through the line to collect her tray, and perhaps they had stolen an occasional glance at the other, but it wasn't much more than that.
It had been by pure accident that she had walked into that bathroom that evening, she couldn't even remember now why she had. Looking down at her lap, Nicky's hand gripping tightly to her pant leg, she smiled softly, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. Perhaps it hadn't been an accident after all.
"You hadn't been here very long, Nicky," she echoed her thoughts. "What was going on, hmm?" she scratched her nails along the base of her neck.
Nicky hugged herself closer, the grip she had on her pant legs tightening. "Everything," she squeaked.
Hearing the heartbreak in her words, Red's hand pressed at the back of Nicky's head. She wanted nothing more than to hold her but she wasn't going to break the position they were in for her own selfish reasons. Nicky knew what was best, and perhaps this was what she needed.
Wanting to know more but not wanting her daughter to be consumed by darkness, she kept her tone light and teasing as she pointed out the one flaw in Nicky's communication. "Everything, hmm?" she questioned, her hand found Nicky's face and her index finger stroked along her skin softly. "That doesn't really narrow anything down."
"Just everything," Nicky pleaded with her to understand. It wasn't Red specifically, but it was people like her that had made her first weeks nearly impossible. The people who had husbands and partners, children and parents waiting for them. "It was so hard, and I was so lonely," her voice broke as she spoke, and for the first time that entire evening tears welled in her eyes. "I had tried calling Marka," she bitterly forced the revelation out. She would never refer to that woman as her mother in front of Red- especially not now. "And she just kept sending me to voicemail. I was craving," she trialed off, inhaling a deep breath in an attempt to keep herself grounded. Her grip on Red's ankle tightened. "Everything was wrong. Everything hurt."
"Shh," Red hushed her, her hands falling to rub her back soothingly. She didn't want her to stop talking, she just didn't want her getting so worked up. She didn't want her baby to be upset on her birthday. Listening to Nicky speak, she realized how hard and awful her first few weeks had truly been. Granted, her own time in Litchfield hadn't exactly been a walk in the park, but she'd had everything Nicky went without.
"I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't see a point. Who was I supposed to be fighting for?" Nicky rambled, her words an emotional slur. "A mom who doesn't even acknowledge my existence? I mean," she laughed bitterly, sitting up just enough to wipe her eyes with the cuff of her sleeve, "I didn't even see a reason to save myself." Pinching the bridge of her nose, she inhaled a ragged breath. "Everything was just-"
"Hard," Red finished for her. Pushing Nicky's hands away she used her own to wipe away any traces of her tears. "I had no idea, Nicky. I mean… not to that extent," she apologized. "What changed?" She brushed her hair back behind her ear. "What stopped you, hmm?"
Lifting her head to look into her eyes, Nicky pulled Red's hands down from where they framed her face. Tracing the length of her fingers with her own, Nicky's lips twitched into a small grin. "You," she whispered, drawing one of her hands back up to lay against her cheek.
Red's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I what?" she asked, squeezing her hand.
"You happened," Nicky repeated. She watched the myriad of emotions flick across her mother's face. "That night in the bathroom," shaking her head she continued to hold Red's hand against her cheek. "I don't remember much of it. I didn't even hear a word you said, and even now that whole night is just kind of a blur," she confessed honestly.
Maybe Nicky couldn't remember much of it, but Red remembered it in great detail. The moment she and Norma had entered the bathroom they had heard Nicky sobbing. Red had been skeptical to approach her at first, but Norma wouldn't give it a rest. They had found Nicky on her knees, head back against the stall, hyperventilating- practically choking on her tears. The two of them had picked her off the floor and once they had gotten her on her feet, Norma had run off to get mouthwash.
Looking back on it, Red still didn't think that she had said much, at least not enough to have apparently talked her out of killing herself. She had taken her on from that moment, however, and she had promised to always be there. To this day, she hadn't broken that promise- she had never left her side.
"All I remember is the sound of your voice," Nicky trailed off, her thumb stroking the inside of Red's wrist. "I remember you were trying to keep me from falling and I remember your eyes." She smiled fondly. "I just knew you were there."
Closing her eyes at Nicky's admission, Red drew her close. "I'm always going to be here," she promised, her voice raspy and barely audible. "You won't ever have to worry about that, Nicky." She kissed her cheek, her lips lingering longer than usual. "Okay?" she pulled back, hands stroking through her hair.
Nicky nodded against her and she smiled. Red fought the urge to cry as the reality of how close she had come to losing Nicky, settled in. Had she never walked into the bathroom; had Norma not forced her to see what was wrong- she would never have had this. Nicky wouldn't be here. Her heart didn't just break at the thought of not having Nicky, but it broke for Nicky. How could she not have seen that things were not okay? It didn't matter that they hadn't known one another before that night, she would think the pain would be obvious; she would have thought the severity of her depression would have been easy to detect.
"Nicky" she called softly, lifting Nicky's chin up enough to look at her, "You know I'm always going to be here right? I'll always be here," she promised. "It doesn't matter what's going on. If you need me, you come to me- day or night- I don't care. I haven't left your side since then, and I promise I never will,"
Nicky nodded. "Okay," she whispered.
"I love you." Red's voice cracked as she spoke, and she cleared her throat, repeating it a second time more confidently. "I love you."
The emotion as Red spoke was overwhelming. There was no need to challenge the sincerity in her words. Nicky knew she'd never lie to her. "I love you, too." Breathing a sigh of relief, she instantly felt lighter. She was so grateful that the conversation hadn't gotten overly emotional, and that she had been able to get everything off of her chest without making herself feel insane. She felt Red kiss the crown of her head and she grinned. Red had always been able to make her feel stable, even in moments when she was close to losing it- the woman was her pillar of strength.
"We should go back inside," Nicky suggested quietly, looking over her shoulder. She really didn't want to leave but figured if they didn't head in soon someone would be out to look for them. Not waiting for a response she pushed herself up from the table, only stopping to turn around at the sound of her name being called. "Hmm?" she questioned, arms crossing over her chest, a shiver running down her spine at the sudden chill she felt from her loss of contact with her mother.
Red raised an eyebrow in question as she stood on her own two feet. "Nicky," she did not sound at all pleased. "You tell me you didn't see a point in living, and you think I'm just going to let you walk away?" She took a step toward her, head tilted to the side in question. "Nicky."
Getting her to step into her mother's arms didn't take much convincing. As her face buried into the curve of Red's neck Nicky's eyes closed in contentment. She chuckled softly as Red began to babble into an explanation about why she needed to go to bed early.
"You were reborn to me, Nicky," she sounded so proud. Both of her arms wrapped tightly around the girl's small waist. She pulled back just a bit, her forehead gently bumping against her daughter's. "Which means, you're five," she winked at her playfully, "and five year olds have bed times."
"Five, huh?" Nicky asked, rolling her eyes.
"Yes," Red told her definitely. "We are completely erasing your past," she pushed her hair back off of her shoulder and grabbed her chin. Chuckling softly as Nicky rolled her eyes. "Your life began again with me," she whispered, "so don't think of that night as the night you almost left me. Think of it as the night you were reborn. It was painful and it was hard, much like childbirth."
Nicky shuddered, "You want me to think of that night as the night you gave birth to me?"
"That's one way of looking at."
"Gross," Nicky stuck her tongue out. "That wasn't a pretty night, Red. You should pick another one-"
Red shook her head, holding up a hand to cut her off. "No," She said seriously. "You're right it was a pretty ugly night," her voice trailed off and she shook her head as the memory of that evening once more flashed before her eyes. "But it was our night; it was the night I got you. It was very painful to watch you like that, but I would do it all over again if it meant we would always have this."
Popping her bottom lip out, Nicky allowed herself to be brought into another hug. "Why do yo do that?" she whined, arms tightly squeezing her mother closer to her.
"Do what?" Red asked innocently.
"Go all mom on me," Nicky mumbled into her shoulder.
"Because, my love," Red kissed her temple, "that's my job." She held her a while longer, simply enjoying the feel of Nicky's weight laying against her chest. She'd have to make this more of a habit- holding her girl in this manner- this couldn't just be something they did only on her birthday.
Pulling back, Nicky grinned at her. "Well," she began teasingly, the troublesome spark in her eyes returning with a vengeance. "I guess you're not too terrible at it." Helping Red throw their abandoned cake into the trash, she held her hand out and smiled when Red took it, their fingers intertwining naturally.
"Nicky," Red called, turning her head to look at her.
Unaware that she was being watched, Nicky yawned through her response. "Hmm?"
The surprise from earlier was still very much apparent. "Do you really hate white cake?" She sounded so wounded.
Ducking her head, Nicky bit the inside of her cheek as she laughed. She had just bared her soul, and didn't want to lock away any more secrets. "I really do prefer chocolate," she confessed, lips pouted out in apology.
"I've been making you white cake for five years!"
Nicky rolled her eyes, reaching for the handle of the door. "Ma," she growled, "it's called vanilla. It is not a white cake." She shook her head, following behind her, "Don't start a race war with the deserts."
Author's Note: Kate's birthday is 04/29 and I will be writing something for her too, so stay tuned. I have one idea I am playing around with, but if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.