Author's Notes: I do not own Once Upon A Time but if they want this story, they can have it. I also don't own the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On." So, this is Rumbelle crack and not super nice to Hook I'm afraid so if you like him, I'm sorry and maybe you want to consider whether or not you want to read it, but really, crack. Anyway, please let me know what you think and happy reading!

Killian Jones, dashing adventurer, famed pirate, competent metal polisher, was in over his head.

It had all begun when the heroes of Storybrooke tried to get the dagger's location out of Belle under threat of the meeting with Rumplestiltskin and the Queens of Darkness set for the next day. The woman was still furious with her husband, but was not about to hand the dagger over to someone else. Hook promised Emma that he would change that.

So he went to her, thanked her for saving his life and said he understood her reasons. After all, he could appreciate loyalty.

Then he had offered to buy her a drink.

That had been his first mistake.

And a big one.

It turned out that the cursed personality Regina had provided Belle with was not as off base as people had once assumed. She could hustle at pool and Hook had been forced to stop matching her drink for drink just to keep his wits about him. She had just drunk the former Sheriff of Nottingham under the table and had taken over the Rabbit Hole's Karaoke Night.

Hook's second mistake had been arriving on Karaoke Night.

"Hook!," Emma shouted.

He looked up from where he'd been resting his face against the bar to see Emma and Regina glaring at him.

Regina wrinkled her nose. "You smell like a still."

"Well, you smell like rainbows and sparkles..." Hook slurred.

"You're shit-faced," said Emma.

"I was trying to find out the location of the Dark One's dagger and as it turns out..." He held his head with his good hand. "Belle is a good drinker."

Both women looked up at the stage where Belle was finishing up "Livin' On A Prayer."

"She is really into that," said Emma. She turned back to Hook. "Wait a minute. You tried getting Belle drunk to tell you the location of the dagger?"

Hook shrugged. "That's my strategy."

Emma shook her head. "What the hell is wrong with you, Hook?!"

"That's demented," Regina declared.

"You know you're quite attractive when you're angry," stammered Hook.

Regina frowned. "Are you talking to me?"

"Cora was attractive when she was angry, too," said Hook. "You know, she and I almost, well, not all the way, but-"

"Oh, my God!," said Emma.

"Shut up now, pirate or you'll have one less hand than you do now!," Regina warned. She looked up at Emma. "And you think this is a suitable role model for Henry?"

"I-" Emma turned. "Hook, go home!"

"Come with me, Emma..." moaned Hook.

"Now, Hook!"

"Fine. Be like that. Here I was trying to include you..." Hook stood, then stumbled as Emma hid her eyes. He walked a few steps, stumbled and then fell flat on the floor.

Emma rolled her eyes.

"Your taste in men does leave quite a lot to be desired, Emma," said Regina.

"Yeah, fine, Regina. We can discuss that later." She motioned at the stage. "What are we going to do about Belle? We've got to get her home."

"I wouldn't want to interrupt her set," muttered Regina.

"I'm being serious, Regina. She and Gold may not be talking, but I doubt she wants to wake up next to one of these losers tomorrow morning."

She scoffed. "You mean like your boyfriend?"

"Focus, Regina!"

A guitar riff began on the machine. Horns joined in.

Regina frowned. "What song is this?"

Emma sighed. "'You Can Leave Your Hat On.'"

"Baby, take off your coat... Real slow... And take off your shoes... I'll take off your shoes... Hey, baby, take off that mess..."

Gold had been following Belle for days as he invisibly shadowed her around town. It was rather convenient for hearing all the heroes' plans, though he was rather disappointed that his former pupil, Regina, was unable to sense his presence. He had been telling himself it was to find the location of the dagger, but then again...

Then the pirate had asked Belle for drinks and though they weren't quite speaking- unless one counted when Belle talked to herself as he kept an invisible vigil- he wasn't about to let her go out with the pirate on her own.

If Hook tried anything, Gold would kill him once and for all. After all, the worst had already happened. What was there to lose?

As it happened, there wasn't much to worry about. It turned out Belle shared being quite a consummate drinker with Lacey. He watched as the pirate began looking green, the sheriff of Nottingham laid on the floor and Belle took quite a shine to arena bands. "Sister Christian" had been the first song, followed by "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Heat of the Moment." Buoyed by the appreciation of the rather drunk crowd, she had begun a half hour tribute to Bon Jovi concluded by a heartfelt rendition of "Livin' On A Prayer." Finally, Regina and Emma had arrived so he at least knew he didn't have to worry about Belle where unwanted advances were concerned.

It was almost worth it to see Hook being yelled at by the Savior.

Though that was an unwelcome revelation about Cora- he really didn't need to know that if it was true- he had enjoyed it. He wondered if he could figure out a way to watch Hook's hangover.

Then he tripped the pirate and now he slobbered on the floor.

Overall, it was the best evening out he had enjoyed since his banishment.

"Go on over there, turn on the lights, no, all the lights..." Belle was certainly putting some gusto into the interpretation of this song.

He neared the stage and was able to hear more of Emma and Regina's conversation.

"I don't see how I'm more related to her than you," said Regina. "So I don't see why I should have to take her home."

"Come on. She's Henry's grandmother- sort of- and I've got to be on my game for meeting up with the Queens of Darkness," pled Emma.

Regina laughed. "As if you have a prayer of winning that on your own! You need me so you can take her home."

Gold ignored their bickering, transfixed by the way Belle's hips seemed to swing with every line of the chorus.

"You can leave your hat on..."

Oh. Queens of Darkness. Gold tried to regain his senses as he quickly considered that he probably ought to have been listening to their strategy.

Belle's hips swung again, her precariously short hem waving.

"You can leave your hat on..."

"Well, what are we supposed to do, Regina? We're out of magical people, it's you and me, if we had the dagger it would be three on three but Belle's not going to give it to us, especially after this-"

"You can leave your hat on..." Belle spun around on the stage as the drunks cheered.

Gold wondered why he never quite noticed the curve of Belle's bottom before.

"I mean, do you want me to bring my brother? Maybe the kid has some magic we don't know about?"

"I'm not hearing any better suggestions," Regina snapped.

"You can leave your hat on..."

Gods, had her legs always been that long?

He tried to get himself to focus: Queens of Darkness, dagger,

"You can leave your hat on..."

What had he wanted the hat for?

"You can leave your hat on..."

Belle was growing impatient.

"Now shake 'em, you give me a reason to live, you give me a reason to live, you give me a reason to live, you give me a reason to live... sweet darling..."

Rumple had been following her around for a week, as if she didn't notice. She was still furious with him when he returned and now who even knew what the Queens of Darkness wanted or why Rumple was working with them.

"You can leave your hat on..."

She had been hoping he would talk to her, but not enough to be the first to speak. He broke them, he should speak first, if he even wanted to. She had been hoping to lure him into talking, but nothing had come of her random mutterings.

Then Hook had arrived with this opportunity which she knew, of course, was about the dagger. She had used it and while she accepted she hadn't thought of a better option, she wasn't about to let the others have it and they had not liked hearing it. Hook had pretended to be sympathetic.

As if she would believe him.

Of course, Hook didn't know how good she was at drinking. Everyone thought it had just been Lacey.

And everyone was wrong. She outlasted Hook, made Keith fall unconscious and took over the karaoke machine.

Okay, she might have been a little drunk.

"Suspicious minds a talkin, tryin' to tear us apart, they don't believe, in this love of mine..."

Oh. She knew he was just off of Regina's elbow. She thought she had sensed him moving when she started adding in the hip swaying.

She was becoming more than a little drunk but she was not going to talk first.

Belle unbuttoned the top button of her blouse and brushed her hair back, fanning herself. Some of the men in the crowd- and she thought some of the women- began to whistle and cheer.

"They say our love is wrong, they don't know what love is, they don't know what love is..."

Emma's finally looked up in horror. "Oh, my God, she is taking her blouse off..."

Regina shrugged. "Well, that's a change of pace."

"Jesus, Regina, would you just help me?!"

And he had the nerve to just stand there.

"They don't know what love is, I know what love is, sweet darling..."

Belle went for the next button so most of her lacey black bra was showing.

She had to admit that objectively... she must have been pretty drunk.

"You can leave your hat on..."

Gold appeared in a plume of garnet smoke.

"Okay, show's over!," he shouted. "Everyone go home!"

The crowd began to quickly leave.

"Jesus, Gold!," said Emma. "Where did you come from?!"

Gold ignored her and stepped up on the stage next to Belle.

"You can leave your hat on..." Belle sang.

"I'm taking you home," said Gold.

"Then what?," she asked, biting her lower lip.

Oh, yeah, that was torturing him...

He blushed.

"I'm just taking you home," he said.

"You know we don't have to talk..." Belle offered.

He looked at her in bewilderment then picked her up, lifting her over his shoulder.

"Emma, Regina, see you tomorrow," said Gold, carrying Belle off, stepping over Hook.

Regina and Emma stared at Belle in confusion.

She caught their stares and threw her arms out.

"Love lift us up where we belong! Where the eagles cry! On a mountain high! Love lift us up where we belong!"

"Okay, sweetheart, that's enough," said Gold.

Regina turned to Emma as the two left.

"Well, I don't think she's giving us the location of the dagger, do you?," asked Regina. "I'm going. Maybe you should get a shovel and clean up your boyfriend."