Hero, a mass effect fanfic

Hero

XxMookinexX

M.A.J.O.R. S.P.O.I.L.E.R.S

Summary: How to choose the fate of the world, when the answer isn't simple, there are too many options, with too many ramifications. How to be a hero, at the end of it all.

Setting: ME3 extended cut, paragon path (except for first renegade trigger during final confrontation with Illusive Man due to 50% readiness rating)

Dead: Ashley (ME1), Pressley (ME2), Thane (ME3), Mordin (ME3), Legion (ME3), and Anderson (ME3)

Romances: Liara (ME1), Garrus (ME2), and Kaidan (ME3)

Green path (synthesis): femshep dead, synthetics and organics at peace, cycle broken

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything beyond the thought process of my own Shepard.

When I looked out the window, all I could see was war. Ships and reapers breaking apart, explosions rippling out into space. I could stop this. Right now. But it's never that simple.

I never had problems making decisions. When I was younger, I made an active decision to try to become the best person I could. Maybe it was because of Elysium. I lost so many people that day. I just figured that if I put in the effort, if I chose to be noble and self-sacrificing, and if I tried to understand where people were coming from, I could persuade others to do the right thing. I could stop the bloodshed. Somehow, I really thought I could make the world a better place.

I want to bitterly complain because no one listened to me. We could have been so much better prepared than this… but it feels like this was inevitable. Like I'd have ended up here, no matter what. Maybe, I'd have more regrets. Maybe less. But I… I think I really did have a good life, all things considered. I've lived so much longer than I thought I would. I've achieved so much. Stopping Saren, killing Sovereign, blowing up the collector base and that horrific human reaper. I've brokered a peace between the geth and the quarians. I've made the turians, salarians, rachni and krogan team up. I even made sure we cured the genophage. I feel like I've my bit now. I'd love to go on holiday, please. Without being incarcerated, or blown up. But it doesn't look like that's going to be happening.

The only way I'll survive this is by destroying the reapers. But every time I look in that direction, I remember legion and EDI. Self-actualised. True AI. Unlike the reapers, at the beck and call of the catalyst. I think of the geth, helping to rebuild Rannoch, helping the quarians when they have no reason to give their creators any kindness, and I cannot kill them.

Even Tali agreed that Legion had a soul. The others will too, eventually. They may not have had the best start. It might take time for some people to trust them, but we were like that with EDI once. When I first met her, she was trying to kill me. A rogue VI on the moon. Luna. It all seems so long ago.

When I think on it, I know I'm not the only one who had to sacrifice in this war. I lost dear friends. But many of them sacrificed themselves for the greater good. Ashley on Virmire, so that Kirahe and his team could live… and I used to think she was so xenophobic. But it wasn't her fault. Like most humans that have been surrounded by humans all their life, she didn't have any experiences that led her to trust other species. Add to that her grandfather's shame at Shanxi. It was little wonder she was so prejudiced. She'd come so far in such a short time, and I had to leave her there to die.

You can't save everyone. Not always. But you can damn well try. That's why I went back for Joker. Why I died. Not that I remember dying. I just remember the air leaking out of my suit, slipping between my fingers. Waking up to Miranda and… what was his name? He'd betrayed Cerberus, which isn't exactly a bad thing in my books, and he'd activated all the mechs. Why? I'd never thought to ask whom he'd been working for. Maybe Liara would know, but it wasn't like I was going to have a chance to ask her.

Oh, Liara. One of my three loves in the past five years. Ever so sweet, even though she'd lost a lot of her naivity. She'd built up a hard shell ever since becoming an information broker. Ever since I died. I hadn't exactly planned to begin a relationship with her in the first place. I didn't really know her. I find it hard to start anything with people I've just met. Whereas Kaidan and I had been aware of one another for a lot longer than that… but there were regulations, and although they never mattered to me, I knew they mattered to him, so we danced around each other indecisively. I think it started because she was so awkward. It was cute how nervous she got around me. Fumbling her words. I wanted to help her feel at ease, and then she was so honest about her feelings for me that, well, I was flattered and curious. So, why not?

Not the best reasons to start something. Really. But it went beyond that, with her. We made it more. I will always love how thoughtful she is. From her kindness in making the memorial pod, to the memory she shared with me in saying goodbye. I did love her. But I hurt her less when we were friends. I wish I could have visited her. But I won't now, because I'm going to die here. I just don't know which path to take.

The Illusive man would have tripped over in his haste. He wouldn't have thought about the decision at all. But then he'd always been a control freak. So annoyed when you didn't see the world from his point of view. It's funny. I spent such a long time hating him, but now that he's dead, I don't know what to think. I should hate him more, for killing Anderson, but he was a puppet dangling from the reapers threads. I have no doubt that he would have killed Anderson if he'd been in his right mind. But he hadn't. I almost pitied him. He'd devoted so much of his life to controlling the reapers that his obsession had ended up controlling him. He'd always been so warped that it was hard to tell when the transfer had happened. But I feel like I should have known from the first moment I'd seen his eyes.

There will always be people like him in the world. So convinced that their own morals, opinions and priorities outweigh everyone else's. I'm like that too. I've made a lot of value judgements according to what I thought was right at the time. I don't know if I was always right. But it seemed like the more powerful I was, the more ramifications my decisions had. I don't think I'm the right person to control the reapers. I don't think anyone is. It may start out fine, I may be very principled and just as I send my army of reapers to keep the galactic peace, but how do I know I won't change over time? How do I know I won't become as twisted in logic as the catalyst? I won't be human anymore. I won't be me. I won't ever die. I'll just corrupt over time, until someone else stands before me and demands to be given an option to stop my madness… and I will give them three. It won't be a human. It might not happen for millions of years… but during that time, I will see whole civilisations whither and die.

I'm scared to die, but the idea of never dying; never getting to rest; never escaping from my actions as the people I love pass on one by one… I don't have the capacity to deal with that without going mad. Someone else in my position might, but I can't. Garrus once told me that he couldn't deal with grey. I actually thought it may have been a subtle jibe at me, after all we've been through. He is without a doubt my closest friend. Unquestioningly loyal, hilarious and reliable. I used to think he was such a kid. He was always so determined to throw away the book and do things his way… but his comment just showed how much he's changed. Oh, he still sees right and wrong quite clearly, but he doesn't immediately think that gunning someone down is the right option. It's easier. It makes sense at the time, but it's a hard thing to judge.

I was always amazed at the lengths Garrus went to for me, when we disagreed so much. He always gave me so much of himself, and I… maybe I was cruel. Looking back, I always went out of my way to help him track down the people he was looking for, but I never let him go through with it. I always held him back. But I wasn't trying to be cruel. I was trying to show him he was better than that. To tell him that I believed in him. I will always wonder what would have happened to us. He's a turian. They handle sex differently from us. Very all or nothing. Well, I chose for us to end. That was on me… and I feel like it wasn't as cut and dry as all that. I feel like we were borderline. I certainly hope he doesn't think that he meant nothing to me. He didn't. He was so important, the only person keeping me together when we went after the collectors. I can't express how I feel about it properly. I needed the friend more than the lover when I met him again. I needed him to still have my back, and I knew that if we went on, we would never be friends again. But I think I lost a lot in saving that friendship. I think we would have been… well. It doesn't matter now. I'm here. I'm not coming back. I'm glad we didn't pursue it. I'm glad that he's with Tali. I never wanted to break his heart.

I guess I rather like grey. Everything's complicated because there are more than two people in the world. If you have any kind of priorities, and you're the kind of person who considers what other people think, then any degree of simplicity is already lost. The world is grey. Exerting forceful control would just force people to squish their grey thoughts into a black and white perspective, and in controlling the reapers, trying to control the chaos in life, I'd be continuing where they left off. That's how this all started, anyway. With the catalyst deciding that the chaos had to be controlled.

Well, I believe in informed choice. I believe that if everyone can make choices, that something great can come out of the chaos and conflict. I believe there will be people that try to hurt others to achieve their goals… but I know there will be others who stand up to them.

It doesn't seem right, to rewrite everyone… but I'm not rewriting their ability to take decisions. I'm not taking anything away from them. They will be the same people they always were, but they might strive to understand one another. They might care a little more. It's not the best solution. It doesn't solve everything, and it isn't what I came up here to do. It's just the best thing I can come up with.

Which leaves me with Kaidan… how many times did we miss each other? His adherence to regulations opened me up to Liara… a whole world I'd never even thought of before. I died. He must have thought he'd lost me for good. Then Horizon. Was it really so hard for him to clam down and give me five minutes to explain the situation? I'd never seen him so angry. He'd never tried to see it from my point of view.

But, as he pointed out to me, neither had I. He'd lost me. Twice. He'd been grieving, trying to move on, and then this miracle had happened – I was alive again. But he'd felt it was a cruel joke. Because I'd looked like me, talked like me, acted like me… but I'd signed up to something he'd never thought I could do. Yes, he'd never considered that I was using Cerberus for my own good. He hadn't quite connected the dots. Didn't realise that of course I wanted to do something to help the colonists, and that was my only option. Ignore the red tape, just like Garrus, and go vigilante – just with more funding, and a much shadier reputation hanging over my head. But I never thought what it had looked like to him. He'd gotten his hopes up, and then… well, I'm the first to admit that I'm not elitist. I'm anti-xenophobic. Ashley had always been convinced that my willingness to take a chance on people would get us all killed. How on earth would I end up wearing the Cerberus colours? An organisation that repeatedly did the opposite of everything I stood for. Well, neither of us had really tried to understand each other. We'd both been furious. Betrayed. Far too emotional.

But I'm also glad it happened, because my anger was what pushed me to tempt Garrus into a relationship. Regrets are complicated. Just because I wish I'd had more time with one person, doesn't mean I'd change my time with everyone else.

I wish there was a way that I could do this, and still go back to everyone, to Kaidan. I've gotten out of impossible situations before. But I've given him hope, and that may be terrible. It can get you through the worst experiences of your life, but it also makes it far too easy to flip over into the worst state of despair when life doesn't go your way. If hope is all that's keeping you going, you'll judder to a halt when it's gone.

Kaidan was the love of my life. He was the only one to challenge me, to keep me on the straight and narrow. I earned everyone's loyalty. I led everyone. But when it came to thinking about whom I wanted to build a life with, it could only be him. He didn't have blind faith. He loved me, even when he hated me, and I felt the same for him. If only… if only I didn't have to leave so many people behind. If only we lived in a parallel universe. If only we could all live happily ever after, as a family. If only I'd never lost anyone.

If only I could come back alive. I would have all of their backs, all of the time. If only I had told them, all over again, how much I loved them. How much they meant to me. How happy I was to have met them. I'm not like Garrus. I don't expect the worst, and so I'm rarely pleasantly surprised. But if the worst had not happened, I wouldn't have met any of them.

I wouldn't have helped Tali find her way home. She was just this young quarian on a pilgrimage who'd obviously gotten in way over her head. How was I to know how much she would make me laugh? Getting drunk using a straw as a, what had she called it, incubation tube? Something like that. The wave of nostalgia I had hearing her transmission on Freedom's Progress, wishing I was there to see it. How was I to know how she would change, to become an Admiral of the fleet, warning me that if I didn't think of the whole crew, people would get hurt, or killed.

I wouldn't have met Wrex. Wouldn't have inspired him to change his people. I could still remember how negative he'd been when he first got on the Normandy, and how angry he'd been on Virmire. I wouldn't have used that experience as the basis to save his people, even when the Salarian government was heavily biasing me not to. I wouldn't have had the patience to deal with Grunt's bloodrage. I wouldn't have learnt nearly so much about Thresher Maws… although those were perhaps experiences I could have lived without. I would never have been a battlemaster. I would never have learnt to make friends with the enemies of my enemies in the krogan way. I wouldn't have united anyone if not for him.

I wouldn't have met Miranda, or saved her sister. She would still be vengeful. Still seeking to be cool and calculated, even when I knew she cared a great deal about people. As she did about Jacob once. I wouldn't have inspired her to be greater than her genetic modification. She once told me she didn't have my fire, she couldn't lead people into hell. If she hadn't met me, she might still think that way. If I hadn't met her, I might still be dead. I wouldn't have watched Jack grow from a kid the world repeatedly kicked in the ribs, to the inspirational leader of tomorrow's best and brightest biotics. She would still be haunted with the ghosts of her past, and Miranda might still think Cerberus was the best organisation in the world. I would never have brokered the peace between them. Jack might have been stuck in prison forever, making her way through one bad relationship after another.

I wouldn't have watched Jacob grow from a resentful son to a hopeful father. I wouldn't have watched him fall in love. Wouldn't have made him fight to be one of the good guys, no matter how hard a job it was. Just as I wouldn't have helped Samara be the mother she aspired to be in spite of the horrible circumstance behind her daughters' genetics. I wouldn't have been there to stop her killing herself, and she would not have taught me the importance of laying down your life for a just cause.

I wouldn't have persuaded Steve to keep living, despite the loss of his husband. I wouldn't have persuaded James to take on the N7 program. Wouldn't have persuaded him that he was worthy of it, even though his team had died. Wouldn't have made him see how terrific a soldier he really was, or told him how proud I was.

I would have met my honorary family. The fraternal figure that was Joker, quipping at every opportunity. My maternal reference, Dr Chakwas, and our monthly toasts. Or my paternal inspiration, Anderson, who I tried to do proud. Perhaps Joker wouldn't have felt so guilty or honour-bound to look after me if I hadn't died saving him. But then I'd never have encouraged him and EDI, and they had something great between them. Perhaps Karin would have found more peace staying at Huerta, but then she never would have developed the extended family she'd had aboard the Normandy. The constant need that Joker had for her help. She might have used my first name, if it had all been different, and if I hadn't been a hero, but would she have been safe? Would she have been saved from the collectors? Perhaps Anderson wouldn't have died. Perhaps he would have taken a break. Sat down. Retired. But I would never have gone to Grissom. His love might have died there, if not for me.

If only I had saved everyone. If only I'd killed Kai Lang before Thane got in the way to save me. He'd been the one to tell me that I couldn't protect everyone, but I thought he'd been talking about his illness. How he was beyond saving. I'd wanted him to know that he had more than just me as a friend. He was part of the family. That I'd learnt from his words that there was always another mission, that I had to make time for someone else in my life. But if none of this had happened, I would never have saved Kolyat. His son would have been condemned to the same isolated life, or he'd have died.

If only Mordin hadn't died in curing the genophage. I wish he could have run tests on the seashells too. I was so disgusted that he'd built the genophage. That he'd essentially built it twice. But if I'd never met him, he'd never have thought twice about fixing it. He'd never have met Eve. He would have remained unapologetic, convinced that he was correct.

I loved them. All of them. Even when we had our misunderstandings. I don't want to leave. I wish everything were different. Except that I don't. I did everything I could. It meant something. Maybe there would be a body. Maybe they could pour all the money in the world into a Lazarus Project mark 2. But there were so many people who had died. How would they ever justify it? No. I can't think about that. I have to go now. I've done so many things I'd never dreamed were possible at the start of all this. I've made so many friends. Loved so many people. Been loved in return.

It has to be synthesis.

It has to be me.

Someone else would have gotten it wrong.

Author Notes: It's essentially… my rationalisation to myself. Maybe you've enjoyed it? Probably you disagree about what the correct path is. It was just, something I wrote in mourning for the character, I suppose. I loved Mass Effect. Fortunately I was one of the lucky ones who only played ME3 after the extended cut had come out, which made the entire series much more satisfying the first time around. I can see why some people were so upset – there wasn't any closure before. It was a rather abrupt finish. Although, personally (ducks out of the way of all the projectiles and abuse) I never expected there to be a happy ending to all this. The whole of ME3 is a goodbye to all the characters we know and love. It's a war. Of course people are going to die, and honestly, it's ridiculous that Shepard survived as long as Shepard did! Ridiculous suicide missions left, right and centre. As you can tell (maybe?) I was most inspired by Mordin. I like the idea of self-sacrifice so that everyone lives. It's very Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5. But then, I'm a Joss Weidon fan. If there isn't a tragic element, I don't feel satisfied.

Luv ya

XxMookinexX