I've never thought of myself as someone brave or daring. I've always just waited around for someone else to come along and fix my problems for me. I've never taken some initiative and sorted my shit out for myself. I suppose you could call me a damsel in distress, of sorts.
So when I realised I was gay, I was stuck in a massive rut. Who the hell was going to come and save me from all the condescension? The prejudice? The hate?
Would my friends and family hate me? My mom and dad have always been uptight, but they never hesitated to call me every day to tell me that they loved me. I knew Jason's parents were really religious, and they passed those beliefs down onto him. I knew he thought homosexuality was wrong. I hoped at least the girls would understand. Caitlyn was a wild free spirit, and I was pretty sure she had a cousin who's a lesbian. Mitchie had an open heart, and she'd have been too polite to turn her nose up at me, even if she did disapprove. And Peggy was very open about her disdain for homophobia, being a true advocate for equality.
As it happened, my mother and father exchanged shocked looks, before telling me that they would love me no matter what, and never to be afraid of telling them anything again. Jason wrinkled his nose, but admitted that I was still the same person who he had grown up with, and so it was alright with him if I wanted to go against God's word. Caitlyn, Mitchie and Peggy had surrounded me in a group hug and insisted that I come and get a mani-pedi with them. And Shane…
Shane was a completely different matter all together. Arrogant, egotistical and gorgeous. A dangerous combination. And for some reason, he was the one person I was afraid to tell, in case he ended up hating me like I thought everyone else would. I wouldn't have been able to bear it if he hated me. I'd have been able to live with my parents disowning me, my best friends alienating me, but if Shane wouldn't accept me, I don't think I could have handled it.
Shane laughed, threw an arm around my shoulder and said that it was about time I came out of the closet.
I think he knew, even then, how I felt about him. But he just chose to ignore it, maybe hoping I'd move on. Nothing changed between us, except for the fact that there was no more sting of defensiveness whenever he made a crack at my sexuality, because it was actually true, and therefore lacked effect. There was less physical contact from both sides, understandably. I didn't want him to know. He didn't want to encourage me. I began to think that it was a silly schoolboy crush, and I'd get over it.
But sometimes I'd see that look in his eye, just for a split second, and I'd see the real Shane Gray. The one that made my stomach drop and my heart soar. He wasn't just any other arrogant, egotistical, gorgeously dangerous pop star. He was my arrogant, egotistical, gorgeously dangerous pop star. And it wasn't just a crush.
I never had the guts to tell him that, though.
That he took my breath away with every look. He'd wink and grin at me after a good show, and I'd feel my heart pound faster and faster.
That he made my cheeks go red with every touch. Sometimes I swear he would purposely brush against me suggestively, just to see if he could get a rise out of me. Like it was just some big game to him. He thought it was funny that someone he had known for so long was attracted to guys. And Shane was never one to be restricted by social barriers when it came to curiosity.
That with every kiss with Mitchie he flaunted in front of me, my heart broke just that little bit more. I saw Jason looking at Shane like I did, but it's not because he was lusting after him. No, Jason was lusting after the object of Shane's lust. I saw the way Jason stared jealously as Shane every time he patted Mitchie's butt, every time he whispered something in her ear that made her giggle, every time he casually brought up just exactly what Mitchie could do with her mouth besides singing.
The worst part? Mitchie knew. Mitchie knew that Jason was in love with her, but she didn't care. She just tried to pawn him off to Caitlyn, trying to convince him they were much more compatible. She just used him to her advantage when she wanted some dirty work done that she couldn't be bothered to do herself.
"Please, Jason, you're the only one old enough!"
"C'mon, Jase, don't be a spoilsport. It's just one itty bitty favour!"
"For me, Jason? For me?"
He'd have done anything for her. And she knew it. And sometimes I thought Shane did too. He would watch Mitchie and Jason interact, well, not enviously. Curiously, more like it. But he always wore a smirk of victory every time she came running back to him, Jason floundering in her wake. The poor guy. He should have realised long ago that nobody can measure up to Shane Gray.
-&-
I knew doing a show in Las Vegas was a bad idea. What happened in Vegas wouldn't just stay in Vegas. It would follow us around for the rest of our lives. It's called Sin City for a reason.
-&-
It started off badly, and only got worse. We rolled up to the hotel only to be told that half of out rooms had accidently been double-booked. Therefore, Mitchie would be sharing with Caitlyn, and I would be sharing with Jason. Only Shane and Peggy got their own rooms, the lucky bastards.
I slid the keycard through our door and called shotgun on the bed closest to the window, throwing myself on it before Jason even managed to get through the door.
"No fair!" he cried, racing over and pulling on the comforter, sending me spiralling off the bed and smacking face first onto the floor.
I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach to see Jason doubled over in laughter. He tried to say something, but couldn't manage through his shorts breaths. Glaring at him, I kicked out my legs, connecting my heels with the back of his knees. His legs buckled and he collapsed right on top of me in a somewhat compromising position. Not exactly what I had intended, but I thought it would be worth it to watch his squirm uncomfortably for a little while. How wrong I was.
"Whoh, Jase, I'm not that kind of girl! You at least have to by me a drink first!" I laughed sardonically.
To my surprise, instead of laughing along with me, Jason blushed furiously and rolled off me like I was diseased or something. "No! I would never… that's just… disgust-" Jason cut off the train of thought that was spurting out of his mouth and looked at me nervously.
"Disgusting? Is that what you think?" My face fell.
"Not exactly. I um, well, I don't like it when you, uh, are so, well, not really…" he spluttered.
"Spit it out, Jason! What's your problem?" I narrowed my eyes condescendingly.
"Homosexuality is wrong and unholy. I don't want you to talk about in front of me anymore," Jason retorted, scowling.
"Jesus Christ, Jason. I've been out for how long now? And you still haven't accepted it?" I rolled my eyes, hoping he wasn't being all that serious.
"Don't take the Lord's name in vain. And I can't accept it. It's just…"
"The Lord? Jason, your religion is only narrow-minded if you choose for it to be. There are heaps of meanings and sublevels to faith, you don't have to take it so literally."
Jason looked more offended than he should have been. "No, there's not. These are my beliefs we're talking about here. There is only the literal word of God. That's it. That's what I have to go by."
"And it's the word of God that men have to love women and only women?"
"Yes! The Bible says so!"
"God made me who I am, Jason. And God loves me for accepting who I am," I snarled.
"It's not right!" he protested.
"Says you! I'm not apologizing for being myself. And who are you to talk to me about the fucking Bible? Don't be such a hypocrite, Jason!"
"I'm not a fucking hypocrite!" Jason's nostrils flared.
"Yeah? How does your dear old God feel about that potty mouth of yours? And I wonder if he can see the way you look at Mitchie?" I taunted.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Jason mumbled through gritted teeth, avoiding my fierce stare.
I laughed rather hysterically. "Oh, I think you do! You want her. You want to kiss her and fuck her and love her. And you'd be willing to risk years of friendship if there was even a miniscule chance of her returning you feelings, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?" Jason looked up at me desperately, his eyes willing me to stop. But I was far too angry to slow down now. "But, oh, isn't that against one of your precious commandments? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife?"
"This is different!" Jason stood up in fury, his face bright red, with me following closely behind him.
"It's not! You're just a big fucking hypocrite! You're a shithouse Christian! You drink and you smoke and you swear and you freakin' lust after Mitchie every single day, and you act like I'm the one who's going to hell? Get fucked, Jason!" I shrieked, shoving his shoulders and running out of the room, straight into the last person I wanted to see at that moment.
"What's all the yelling about? Are you okay?" Shane held me at arms length, taking in my distraught expression before glancing at Jason's guilty face. Narrowing he eyes, he glared at him suspiciously, his hands tightening on my shoulders. "What did the hell you say to him? Is this what I think it's about?"
When Jason didn't respond, Shane looked back at me, his gaze boring into me, and when I looked away, he sighed, his question answered. "I think you should come and stay in my room tonight."
I looked up gratefully, a small smile on my lips. "Thanks," I muttered.
"Don't let him get you down," he grinned reassuringly, before walking towards Jason threateningly. He picked up my bag as I watched from the hall, and stood to face my ex-best friend.
"If you ever," Shane whispered menacingly, "say or do anything homophobic around him again that makes him think less of himself, you can consider yourself officially out of the band, because I will not tolerate it. Understand?"
Remaining silent, Jason just nodded meekly, before sending a rueful look in my direction.
"Don't apologize yet," Shane snapped. "Apologize when you've had time to mean it."
And with that, he marched out of the room, grabbed my arm, and dragged me away. We finally came to a halt outside his own room, where he opened the door to let us both in. Begrudgingly, I walked over to the bed and slumped down, facing the ceiling. My heartbeat quickened just a little when I felt him lie down beside me.
"What happened?" he asked, turning his face towards me. His warm breath tingled on my cheek, and my face flushed red. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you Shane Gray, my knight in shining armour? I swelled with gratitude for him for dropping his usual arrogant, self-absorbed tool routine to stick up for me.
"I don't want to talk about it," I huffed, sitting up and away from him. It was bad enough he had that effect on me from a distance, but when he was right beside me, there is absolutely no way he could not notice. I bit my lip as I felt him slowly sit up next to me, and waited with baited breath for what he had to say next. It was moments like these, when Shane was just being his vulnerable, honest self, to me and only me; these were the moments I lived for.
"Want me to blow you?" he joked, slinging an arm around my shoulder. The serious Shane had disappeared, only to be replaced with his regular dickhead self. Well, it was nice while it lasted.
"Are you insane?" I gaped at him, wondering if he was even being genuine.
"What? It might make you feel better!" Shane laughed nonchalantly. "And besides, we're in Vegas, baby! It's our chance to do something different! I just want to know what it's like!"
"I'm not a toy you can just play with, Shane," I muttered, avoiding his eyes.
He tucked his index finger under my chin and tilted my face up to look at him in the eyes, before swooping down and pressing a swift kiss to my lips. Gasping in shock, I shot sideways, nearly slipping off the corner of the bed. I gawked at him, speechless, and a look of annoyance passed over his face.
"Why am I the only one you never come near anymore, huh?" Shane was suddenly angry. "You still hug the girls and Jason, but you barely even touch me. Why?"
"You know why!" I glared at him.
He looked taken aback for a split second before he narrowed his eyes and shoved his face two inches away from mine. "Say it."
"No," I spat, pushing him away from me and standing. "I'm not doing that to Mitchie, and there's no way in hell I'm getting involved in one of your little experiments! You're such an asshole!"
I turned on my heel and wrenched the door to his room open angrily, ignoring his chiding comment about my precise fascination with his asshole. I should have seen that coming, really.
At that point I had no best friend, no girlfriends on hand to confide in, and suddenly no room to stay in. But I really should have quit while I was ahead. I thought perhaps Shane was right (that was my first mistake right there). This was Las Vegas. A chance to do something different and not be judged for it. With this reasoning firmly in mind, I headed towards the closest bar I could find.
-&-
"Here," Mitchie slid another shot towards me. "That guy over there keeps buying them for me, but I hate tequila."
I nodded woozily and licked the salt on my hand for downing the contents of the shot glass and shoving a lemon slice in my mouth.
"Dude, maybe you'd better take it easy," Caitlyn glances at me in concern, but I shrug it off. I don't need her pity.
"Oh, leave him alone!" Mitchie waves her off, patting me on the back. "It's okay, drink as much as you want. I'm pretty sure the label pays for the tab here."
"Whatever," I mumbled, slamming down another empty glass.
I saw Mitchie and Caitlyn exchange concerned glances, and felt a flare of self-loathing. I felt bad for them, sitting around with me in this seedy place (regardless of the fact that they were here when I arrived), while I drown my sorrows in alcohol. It's not their fault my best friend is a hypocritical homophobe who hates the kind of person I am. I needed to talk to him again. There was no way we'd be able to continue a professional, let alone personal, relationship with all these unsaid things clogging the air between us.
"Caitlyn, you don't buy your own drinks! Why on Earth do you think we're wearing such ridiculously short skirts? You need to get the men to spend the dough, right?" Mitchie elbowed me in the side, her eyes urging me to agree with her.
"Forget it," I scowled, picking up the bottle of bourbon and standing up. The room was suddenly suffocating. "I'm going to find Jason."
"How about you just wait until you've cooled down?" Mitchie placed a tender hand on my arm. "Peggy's keeping him company."
I grimaced, recalling her Peggy's earlier words about how Jason had the right to his own opinion. In other words, she was taking his side. It's not that she had anything against homosexuality, but she was just the kind of person that sided with the underdog, even if it meant she had to sacrifice some of her own beliefs. Hey, maybe I was being too harsh on the girl. I know for a fact that she's a pretty good motivational speaker. Maybe she was trying to get Jason to change his mind. Good luck to her, if that's the case.
"No, I need to talk to him." I mumbled, staggering towards the exit. "I need to be his friend again."
"Just remember, you didn't do anything wrong!" Caitlyn exclaimed behind the door that swung closed behind me as I made my way onto the busy street.
Taking a swig out of the bottle, I cringed as the liquor burned down my throat, before setting back towards the hotel. I got a few strange looks in the street, and tried to avoid eye contact with anyone who might recognise me. Connect Three didn't need anymore bad publicity. Between my public coming out, Jason's ridiculously unintelligent citations and Shane's rowdy behaviour, we'd be lucky to go a week without being plastered over gossip blogs all over the world.
I made it to the hotel without being spotted by any paparazzi (I hoped), and rather than making a grand entrance through the lobby, I decided to try and get in through the back way. I stepped into the side alley and froze when I saw the familiar floppy, flat-ironed hair and trademark slouch leaning against the wall, surrounded in a haze of cigarette smoke.
"Hey," I called softly, taking a few tentative steps towards him.
Jason looked over to me in surprise, before taking a drag, and holding out the small box in his other hand towards me. "Want one?"
"Sure," I shrugged, going over and slumping on the wall beside him, pulling the thin stick out of it's packaging.
Jason reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, clicking the tiny flame on for me to lean in and exhale deeply, lighting the cigarette in my fingers. We remained silent for a few more moments, just breathing in and out our horribly addictive smoke.
"I'm sorry," Jason murmured suddenly.
"Are you really?" I eyed him cynically.
"Sorry for hurting your feelings. Not sorry for voicing mine," Jason shrugged, taking another puff.
"Peggy couldn't talk you out of it, then?" I sighed.
"What? Peggy got a phone call from Barron like half an hour ago and I swear she's been in her room having phone sex with him ever since," Jason wrinkled his nose in contempt.
I laughed, before my expression soured and I forced myself to look at him. Offering out the half-filled bottle in my hand, Jason hesitated, then snatched it up and put it to his mouth, tipping it upwards and gulping down some of the contents. He swallowed and gagged, sticking his tongue out and shaking his head as he handed the bottle back to me. I opened my mouth so say something, anything, to fill the awkward void of conversation, but Jason beat me to the punch.
"You were right about one thing," he grumbled. "I'm a terrible, hypocritical Christian."
I started to protest, but Jason held up his hand to stop me. "No, I am. Drinking and swearing and smoking," he threw down his burnt out cigarette in disgust, crushing it under his toe. "And the thing with Mitchie… is it really that obvious?"
"Well, yeah," I patted his arm sympathetically.
"Oh, God!" Jason threw his head back, wincing as it collided with the brick wall. "I don't know why I find her so… amazing. I know it's never going to happen. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you, Jase. You can't help who you fall in love with," I sighed at the irony of my words.
"Yeah, well, starting now, that's going to stop. No more of this bull sh-poop. I'm going to start following my religion like I'm supposed to. No more double standards."
"That's good to hear," I mumbled insincerely.
"Of course you wouldn't understand," Jason sneered, picking at him fingernails.
"Maybe if you just try and see things from another perspective!" I retorted.
"I can't…"
"Jason, please!"
"I can't, dude! I can't pretend that I'm okay with your lifestyle-"
"It's not a fucking lifestyle! I didn't choose to be gay! I can't help that I don't find vaginas particularly appealing!"
Jason winced at my vulgarity. "I'm sorry, but no. I don't agree with the way you are."
I went to take a step forward, but the ground beneath my feet lurched and I stumbled. Instinctively, Jason's arms shot out and he caught me before I ate pavement. But one I had steadied myself, our eyes made contact and he released me like I was scorching him. I saw the confusion and conflict reflected on his face, and made my decision.
"Then we can't be friends anymore," I sighed.
"What?" Jason's face fell. "No, just because I don't like, well, you know, doesn't mean…"
"Yeah, it does. Because I am 'well, you know'. And if you can't respect that, then I can't be around you. I can't be friends with someone who can't acknowledge who I am," I sighed.
And with that, I turned on my heel and banged inside through the kitchen door, startling the staff. I ignored Jason's frantic calls behind me, and taking another swig of bourbon, I went and sat in the hall on our floor and waited for the next disaster to strike.
-&-
Caitlyn and Mitchie sauntered back into the hotel at an ungodly hour, completely and utterly drunk out of their minds, in a much worse condition than when I left them. It looked like they had found plenty of men to keep their alcohol river flowing that night. Shane took Mitchie back to their room, while I was dumped with Caitlyn, who I ended up handing off to Peggy, who would have been much better at holding back her hair while she threw her guts up in the toilet anyway.
I told myself I was going to find out how Mitchie was doing, but who was I kidding? I was going to see Shane. I was always finding excuses to see Shane. Whenever I couldn't see him, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I couldn't hear him, I would wonder what he was saying. There was not one moment of my life not spent revolving around my complete awe of him.
And if there was anyone who could make me feel better about the disintegration of my friendship with Jason, it was Shane.
Staggering slightly, I peered at the blurry number on the door. Was he in room thirteen, or thirty-one? Then I decided it didn't really matter, and knocked on the door loudly, twice. I heard the muffled step of someone coming towards the door, and I tried to stop my heart from racing too fast. But when the door swung open, I had to physically restrain my jaw from hitting the floor.
Shane was standing there nonchalantly, clad in only a pair of silk boxers. I wasn't sure if he noticed me tense at the sight of him, but all he offered was a simple. "Sup?"
"Is Mitchie okay?" I blurted out, feeling my cheeks turning pink.
"Come and see for yourself," Shane stood aside and let me into his room.
Averting my eyes from his sculpted torso, and stumbled towards to motionless figure sprawled across his comforter. "Mitch? Mitchie?"
"She puked in the sink and then tried to rape me before passing out," Shane chuckled, sitting beside her and brushing her hair off her face.
"I talked to Jason again," I murmured, staring at the ground.
Shane's head jerked upwards, his face awash with consternation. "And?"
"I think I'm going to quit the band." I sighed.
"What?" Shane stood up abruptly. "No! If Jason's got a problem, it should be him that leaves! You're gay, so what? What's the big deal?"
"Thanks, Shane, but I really don't think…"
Before I even knew what was happening, I was being shoved against the wall and Shane was attacking me with his mouth.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I hissed, pushing him off me and glancing nervously towards Mitchie, still unconscious on the bed.
"Don't worry about it, she's so trashed she won't wake up for like, three days!" Shane chuckled, leaning towards me again.
"No, no, no!" I slurred, my head spinning, and it wasn't just because of the alcohol in my system. "This isn't right! I will not be some twisted satisfaction of curiosity!"
"Come on," he grinned through his perfect lips. "It's our only night in Sin City. I want to have done something interesting in our time here!"
"Shane…" I mumbled, but was cut off by his mouth pushing against mine again.
"Don't act like you don't want this," he muttered against my lips.
I knew I should have resisted. I should have gotten out of there as soon as Shane started. But I didn't. I was drunk, I was upset, I was lonely. I just wanted some comfort, even if I knew how horribly wrong it was. I didn't care that I was just being used. In those short few minutes I was Shane's. That's all I've ever wanted.
So I let him lift my shirt up over my head. I let him stick his tongue so deep into my mouth that I nearly choked. I let him unzip my fly, and slide his hand into the front of my underpants.
And any self-doubt I may have held at the back of my inebriated mind disappeared as Shane self-righteously groaned into my mouth when I fiercely responded. My hands shot up and entangled themselves in his thick, dark hair, and I thrust my chest into his, revelling in the connection. But then the tiniest sound, I don't know what it was, maybe the tick of a clock, or the thump of music from down the hall or the beep of a car outside, but as soon as I heard it, reality came rushing back and I shoved Shane off of me. Panting heavily, I pulled up my pants and picked my shirt off the floor, before wiping off the saliva around my mouth with the back of my hand.
"So that's what all the fuss is about!" Shane smirked.
"You're despicable!" I hissed at him, before storming out of the room so quickly I didn't notice the single tear that was sliding down Mitchie's cheek.
-&-
I ended up staying the night on the spare bed in Caitlyn's room. She and I both woke to throbbing headaches and churning stomachs, to which Peggy greeted us cheerily with a few aspirin and the promise of a nice, greasy breakfast downstairs, complete with her guaranteed hangover cure smoothie. We made our way into the dining room, and I purposely avoided looking at Jason as I sat down. Caitlyn shoved an egg in her mouth before looking at the two empty seats that the table.
"Where are the lovebirds?" she mumbled.
"Must be sleeping late," Peggy shrugged with a disdainful look on her face. It was clear what she meant 'sleeping late'.
Caitlyn opened her mouth to make what I assumed to be a sarcastic comment about Shane and Mitchie's sex life, but was cut off by the appearance of the man himself.
"Hi guys," Shane yawned, sliding into the seat next to me. "How are we all feeling this morning?"
Luckily everyone's attention was on Caitlyn, moaning in revulsion as another wave of nausea hit, when I gaped at him in shock. What, did he think he could just get on with life and forget everything that happened between us? Of course he could. He was Shane Gray. Shane Gray does whatever the hell he wants.
"Hey handsome," he grinned at my astounded facial expression.
I returned the smile. Or maybe he wouldn't forget. He leaned across me to get some toast, letting his arm drag slowly across my chest, making me shiver in elation at the close contact. He caught me eye and wink, and I looked down at the table, blushing. I hoped nobody else could see this exchange between us. Because 'us' was practically forbidden. Shane had Mitchie. I was gay. I didn't know what that made Shane, but you could bet your ass the media would have a field day with it.
I was so caught up in the confusing, panicked thoughts in my head that I didn't realise Shane's face was so close to mine until I felt his arm snake over my shoulder and his warm breath against my ear. "Look, about last night. We're still best friends, right?"
I nodded fervently, terrified to even look at him. It was hard enough as it was just restraining myself from kissing him, knowing he was that close.
"Good. Because, you know, you're an awesome dude. But…"
Oh, shit. There was the but. The big, fat but that threatened to tear my heart to shreds.
"But I don't think that it meant as much to me as it did to you. Sorry, man, but I'm not homo. And I don't think I ever will be."
I tried to process all his words in my head without bursting into tears. But he was right. He wasn't gay. It didn't mean anything to him. And I even knew he was experimenting when he started, so I really shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. I practically set myself up for this fall. It wasn't Shane's fault I felt like this. There was really only one thing I could do.
"Okay, cool," I sighed, nodding. "Best friends it is."
"You rock, Nate," he laughed onto my cheek, before pulling his arm away and focusing back on devouring his breakfast.
I snuck a small smile at him before finishing off my orange juice. Looking through the bottom of the glass, I saw a girl in a green tank top storming over to the table, straight towards Shane.
Mitchie. I felt my stomach drop in guilt and I immediately looked over to Peggy and started a meaningless conversation, distracting myself from Shane.
Shane saw Mitchie too, and stood to greet her. "Hey babe!"
Mitchie drew back her arm and slapped Shane across the face with as much force as she could muster.
"Stay the hell away from me! I never want to talk to you again!" she shrieked, before throwing a dirty look in my direction and stalking back out as quickly as she had come in.
"What the fuck was that about?" Caitlyn was the first one to break the silence that followed Mitchie's outburst.
Shane shrugged, sat down and resumed eating, giving me a warning glance. I just shook my head and stood up. "I'll go talk to her."
"No, I probably should," Caitlyn shot an accusatory glare at Shane before standing too.
Her progress was quickly hindered as her hand shot to her forehead and she slumped back down into her chair again. "I think I'm going to be sick."
While the focus was on Caitlyn's retching, I slipped out of the dining hall. I caught up with Mitchie just as the doors to her elevator were sliding shut. I forced myself in though the tiny gap and gave a nervous smile to her angry, tear-stained face.
"I don't want to talk to you, either," she glowered at me, turning her back to me.
"You saw, didn't you?" I whispered.
Mitchie held back a small sob and gave a sharp nod.
"Shit. Mitchie, please don't tell anyone," I begged.
"Why shouldn't I? That way everyone will know what a dirty little slut you are!" Mitchie spat venomously.
"What would you have me do, Mitchie?" I screamed at her.
She spun back around to face me in rage. "Anything! Anything but that! You're meant to be my friend! How could you do this to me?"
"I'm sorry, Mitch, okay? I'm really, really sorry! You have no idea, I was drunk and miserable and Shane just… Shane…"
"Shane was being Shane," Mitchie choked out, her eyes watering.
"Yeah," I breathed. I took a tentative step towards her. "I'm so sorry, Mitchie. Please, forgive me?"
Mitchie shook her head sadly, and I felt my chest clench. I didn't want to lose another friend. "Mitchie, please! I'll do anything, I-"
"No," Mitchie cut me off. "There's nothing to forgive, Nate. You love him, don't you?"
"What?" I spluttered. "What… I… no, I… well…"
"I knew it," Mitchie smiled sadly. "I love him too. But if there's anyone who needs forgiving, it's Shane."
I opened my mouth to argue, but was hit with the realisation that she was right. Shane was the one who started all this with his damn persistence and overwhelming need to get his own way. The elevator door pinged on our floor, but I kept my finger on the close doors button and sent us to another random floor. I needed to have this conversation. I needed to get this off my chest.
"Shane is first and foremost in love with Shane. And that's hardly fair to us, is it?" Mitchie reached out and took my hand as I shook my head. "And I always thought that eventually, I'd make a big enough space for myself in his heart that he'd love me just as much as himself. I was so certain that would fall for me, eventually. But last night, it was the first time that I'd ever doubted that. I was so damn jealous. Shane's always had his other random hook-ups, but you're different."
"That's the understatement of the century," I muttered bitterly.
"You're someone Shane actually knows. Someone he actually cares for. And you're a boy!" Mitchie's voice trembled as tears trickle down her cheeks.
"If it's any condolence, Mitchie, I never expected in a millions years for this to happen," I sighed.
"That must have been hard," Mitchie looked up at me sincerely. "I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to see the person you love every day and know that it's practically impossible."
An uncomfortable image of Jason flashed into my mind, but I pushed it away. "There was always my false hope though," I shrugged. "That made it more bearable."
"Except it wasn't false, was it? Shane wanted you anyway," Mitchie broke down again, and I pulled her into a tight hug.
"Mitch, he never wanted me. He wanted to know what it was like to be me."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Are you sure?" Mitchie whimpered. "You should hear the way he talks about you sometimes. He thinks you're one pretty amazing guy. He never fucking shuts up about Nate's new songs and Nate bought the coolest shoes today and Nate this and Nate that. I swear he likes you more than anyone else on the planet."
I tried to fight the excited lump building in my throat, but my attention was brought back to Mitchie as she let out another strangled sob. "Just once I'd want him to talk about me, no, fuck that, I just want him to look at me the way he looks at you. Just so I know that he doesn't take me as much for granted as I think he does."
I hugged her tighter, my heart breaking at her misery. "He's not worth this, Mitchie," I tried to reassure her, not sure if I was even believing my own words.
Mitchie paused before mumbling into my chest. "Yes, he is."
Just they way she said it, the way she was so sure, made something inside of me snap. She really did love Shane. And that's when I realised why I could never take her place in Shane's eyes. Mitchie was so open about her affection for him; she was a light that illuminated him. She made him glow. She was the one who made him the person that he was, the person that I loved. And, however unlikely it may have been, if Shane chose me over her, then he wouldn't be that person. He'd be someone completely different. And I wouldn't have a reason to love him anymore.
"I really am sorry, Mitchie," I whispered into her hair.
"I'm sorry too, Nate," Mitchie bunched my shirt in her fist and pulled away slightly, tilting her chin up to look me in the eyes. "But one day you'll find an amazing guy who a thousand times better for you than Shane, and you'll realise what an idiot you've been."
"What about you? Have you been an idiot?" I raised a single eyebrow cynically.
Mitchie bit her lip and looked at the ground. "Yes. Love makes fools out of us all. But I know there is no one better for me than him. I don't want there to be. But until he decides to reciprocate those feelings, I'll only ever be half-whole. There's a gaping emptiness in me that only he can fill. No one else could ever fit. No one."
I sighed and gathered her in my arms once more, as tears resurfaced in her eyes. We stood like that for a few more minutes, before the doors to the elevators opened and we found ourselves on the ground floor once again.
Mitchie gently pushed away from me and blew her bangs out of her red eyes. "I'm going to get room service. I can't stand to be in the same room as him right now."
"Understandable," I shrugged. "Do you want me to make up an excuse for you?"
"Why bother? It's not as if he really cares," Mitchie sighed.
"Don't say that, Mitch. He does. He just… doesn't show it very well. But I know he cares about you more than anyone else, really," I extend my arm and ruffle her hair.
"More than you?" she looks up sadly.
"Especially more than me," I grimaced.
"We'll see," she patted my arm kindly and closed the doors.
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. The way Mitchie feels about Shane… I can't compete with that. Shane deserves that. Mitchie deserves more. And I don't deserve her as a friend. Groaning, I tug at my curly locks before throwing my arms to my sides and heading back towards the dining room.
-&-
"How is she?" Caitlyn looked up urgently as I approached the group finishing up their breakfast
"She's pissed, Shane. Really pissed. She knows what happened," I ignored everyone else at the table and addressed Shane directly, sitting down next to him.
Shane looked nervously at the curious faces around him who were waiting for some sort of explanation. But then a relaxed smile broke over his face and he leaned back into his chair.
"She'll be back," he shrugged, taking another bite out of his banana.
"No, Shane, she won't!" I yelled, jumping up. "What you did, it was by far the worst thing you've every done! You can't just talk you're way out of this pile of shit! You cheated on her with me!" I ignored the collective gasp around the table. "She's fucking in love with you, you idiot! And if you can't open your eyes and make up your mind and love back the best damn thing that's ever happened to you, then you're going to end up a very lonely and miserable person wondering where the fuck you went wrong!"
"Nate, listen to me…" Shane tried to talk through the half-masticated food in his mouth.
"No, you listen! This is it, Shane, I'm done! You'd better decide what you fucking want, because I'm not going to stand for your shit anymore!" I scream, pounding the table with my fist before stalking away. And with every step I took, I felt tears well up in my eyes, my chest throb and a pang in the bottom of my stomach. But surprising, I also felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
I was finally free of Shane Gray. It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would.
Many thanks to suburbs, pyrolyn-776 and Serendipity545 for all their help and encouragement with this!
If you watch Skins then you will know where I got my inspiration from. If not, well then, just pretend I'm totally original :)
Please Review? Even if you hated it, I would really like to know. I just wanted to try something different.