Genkai x Toguro
Once More
I dreamt of a fever, one that would cure me of this cold winter set heart,
With heat to melt these frozen tears, and burned with reasons as to carry on.
Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow
But I swear that I will follow anything, just get me out of here.
She felt cold.
His words echoed around her head, his wish to be made a demon, his wish to bastardize everything that they held dear to them, every kind of morality that they had believed in. How could he betray her?
She sat with her back against a broad tree trunk, knees pulled up to her chest and arms hugging them, watching the clouds roll by in the sky. It was a cool day, and the grass was damp, making her shiver unexpectedly every time there was a gust of a breeze against her body. She was not sure what to do with herself now that the tournament was finished, and he had gone. She wished she could go back, go back to when that demon killed his apprentices, and stop him, kill him, make it so that he did not need to avenge his fallen comrades and his own pride. If that demon had not ruined everything then they could have been basking in their triumph together, keeping each other warm in the cold daylight; them against the world once more.
She wished she could see him once more, just be with him once again, once more feel his hands on her, his breath on her neck, be pressed against him and feel warm again, safe again, right again. They had had such heat between them, such immensity and passion, but they were connected by more than that, too. There was a bond of warmth and friendship and he had simply thrown it away, pushed her aside, betrayed her.
She wasn't sure if she could forgive him for that.
But then, she was not sure if he even wanted her forgiveness.
It did not even seem like he cared.
But he was so much to her. He was her best friend and her companion, and he knew everything about her. They did everything with each other, inspired each others drive and devotion and with him gone, she was not sure if she could think something to do with her life now. What was left without him?
She blinked back a tear that threatened to spill and shivered again as a particularly strong gust of wind blew against her. The clouds were blowing past with more speed in the sky, blowing ever on. Why could he not except that time passed, that months fell and years faded and that people got older. She had always hoped that she would meet someone and fall in love and spend the rest of her life with them and that that would be it, but it seemed that her life was destined to be alone, for she knew that she could not live with a monster, could not spend her time with a demon, and that he would not be able to live with her and watch her grow disgracefully older and closer and closer to death.
He had been her port in the storm, her candlelight in a darkened room, something to focus on and orientate around and fix herself upon. With him gone… she was going to have to walk their road alone. She did not think that there would ever not be the second shadow walking next to hers.
She sighed heavily.
She had to get a grip on herself.
She could not spend her time moping like this.
Genkai sighed again, lighter this time, and pushed herself to her feet, tugging the damp fabric on the back of her legs away from her skin. She stretched high into the air with her eyes closed, and allowed herself a small smile. Perhaps it could work out okay.
She opened her eyes and turned, only to see a silhouette at the edge of the clearing.
"What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't go without saying goodbye."
"Well, you managed to pick your last few choices without me."
There was a silence after her bitter retort, and he took a step out into the light of the sun. He looked the same, and felt the same too she realised as he let his aura seep out around him. He'd been suppressing it on approach, assuming she would leave if she felt him come near her. A fair assumption, considering that she had in fact done that several times yesterday, too. She had not thought that he would try again today… in fact, she had presumed that he would have begun the changing process by now.
"You could always come with me."
"What, and be a demon? No."
"Be the strongest, truly the greatest fighter."
"No. I'm not going to sacrifice my mortality for that."
He took another step towards her. He was not smiling.
"Mortality is useless, overrated. What good is living if you're going to die in the end anyway? It makes all of your endeavours pointless."
She shook her head.
"You don't understand."
"No, I don't. I don't understand you. You should want this! To spend forever in greatness."
"I do not wish to lose my power, or to become weak and feeble, but death is not something we can escape. Forever is worthless, it only takes away what is beautiful. The world is good because it does not last- otherwise it becomes stilted."
"Then all must end that is destined to."
He looked at her, and she knew he was saying something more with his still-human eyes than he was letting on. He took another step forward and slipped smoothly to his knees, a well practised action, so that they were the same height, and staying in silence, not moving his gaze from where it had met hers.
"Coward."
"You are the one too afraid to follow where I must go."
She nodded.
"Perhaps we were simply never meant to be on the same path."
"Perhaps."
The silence fell between them and she bit her lip, determined not to show any emotion. It was not fair that he was going, it was not fair that he had been turned from the right way, from the way of goodness, from her.
He reached out, and she realised that she had taken another step towards him unconsciously, and he touched her face gently with the tips of his fingers. She turned her head into his palm and closed her eyes against the feel of his warm skin against her own, and took another step towards him. He sat up slightly, so that he was a little taller than her, and rested his forehead against the crown of her head.
"Is there no way I can change your mind?"
"No."
He sighed then, and she felt his breath ruffle his hair.
"Are you going to be okay?"
"Don't talk like you care."
"I do."
"Shut up."
She kissed him then, hard and pressing on his mouth, closing her eyes and pressing herself to him, trying to sink into him and become part of him, just for a moment, just so she could feel him and remember this as something that had once been so right, so good. His hand rested on her hip and the other moved to the back of her head, and she did not miss that he was treating her as if she were far more fragile that she was. His touch was light, almost too gentle, and it did not feel like it should.
"Hold me properly."
"I am."
"I mean, hold me like you used to."
His arm wrapped around her, pulled her tight against him, feeling their heat meld together and create the fire that they had together. She kissed him again, and wondered if she could ever find that again with anyone else. She let a tear fall then, just the one before blinking it back, and he felt the movement of her eyelashes against his cheek.
She pulled away, pressed her cheek to his neck and swallowed where he could not see.
"Is it going to be okay?"
"Of course."
She smiled against his neck.
"Liar."
He moved his hands to her shoulders and pushed her gently away, standing up again, and looked down at her. She stared at where his face had been, level with her own height, and would not look up at him.
"I will see you again, Genkai, I'm sure of it."
She smiled bitterly.
"One day, when I am old and haggard, yes."
He glanced at her, before turning away, and walking away into the shadows of the forests again. She watched him go, watched that broad back, that strong neck that she would never press her face to again, and sank to the cold wet grass again.
"I'm sorry, Genkai."
She smiled briefly at his retreating figure, and took a deep breath.
Now, it was time for her to harden, time for her to persevere, and time for her to hold onto her strength for as long as she could.
Lie to me and say, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright,
Yeah, you worry too much kid, it's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
- Bright Eyes