A/N: Well this is a sidetrack from what I normally do, and I might even call it a crack!fic, um, pointless!fic or meh!fic. This was just something I randomly thought of, and decided to do one less than 1500 for maybe like a birthday present to myself haha! That's in 3 days so thanks in advance for presents teehee.
Anyway, enjoy, anyway?
Dearest Granger,
I understand that this must take you by surprise at the time you reach the end of this letter.
However, I shall not go off on a tangent. I will make this letter as prompt and as clear-cut as possible.
I recently caught wind of the fact that you are, unsurprisingly, the best Mediwizard available in London at present. It may seem strange that I now come to you, given my past behavior, but stranger things have happened – which at once led to my seeking your professional services. In case you thought you may have read that wrong: yes, I must consult you concerning a problem I am now facing.
The reason why I chose to contact you personally instead of heading straight to St. Mungo's is because it is necessary, and of complete and utter importance that this session remain strictly private and confidential.
If you agree to assist me and undertake the task of remedying me because of principles that come with your job and kind self (and not at most out of curiosity), do write back with your selection of day and time.
Thank you.
Respectfully yours,
Draco Malfoy
Hi Malfoy,
OK. Tomorrow at 2pm sounds gd. My office. V. secure.
Regards,
HJG
Granger,
Very articulate, but nevertheless I appreciate your enthusiasm and prompt reply.
Still respectfully yours,
Draco Malfoy
Malfoy,
I don't appreciate the sarcasm but I feel the need to explain myself. I am a Mediwizard, and according to what you have heard, the best there is in London (thank you very much). That means I am very busy helping and not busy reading personal letters. It took only two days for me to respond. Be glad that it wasn't a week, or whatever ailment you seem to be experiencing right now might have killed you by then.
HJG
Granger,
It is not that critical. Even so, it still needs to be cured.
DM
Malfoy,
OK. Tomorrow 2pm. Will try my best.
HJG
…
Malfoy,
Our appointment is in an hour. I haven't heard from you although there wasn't much to say. But you better be there. Do not waste my time.
HJG.
Malfoy,
It is 2.20pm, where in Merlin's name are you? Giving you until 2.40 to show up, you ungrateful, rude git.
P/S Saw Blaise Zabini earlier. I thought he couldn't live without you.
HJG
Malfoy,
What the fuck are you playing at? It's 2.45. Arsehole. Zabini is outside my office. Is he also waiting for you? Arsehole.
HJG
…
Dear Malfoy,
I apologize for my rude behavior this afternoon. I really, truly, did not know you were there twenty minutes earlier before I was. I can see why your … problem can be quite a detriment. I also almost stepped on you. I am so sorry about that. If it wasn't for your shining, golden hair I would have been the cause of your death.
I will try my best to cure you. Again, sorry.
HJG
Dear Granger,
It is quite alright. As you can see, with my current size, it is quite difficult for me to move around, let alone write a reply to you. For the moment, I use – well, I've asked Blaise to help me with moving about and to help me write my replies to you. So you can understand why – oh sod off – ah, I apologize, that wasn't meant for you. Blaise spelled his quill to write whatever it is, so – Blaise, shut up. Blaise, I'm in the middle of something. Shut up, just wait until I revert to my normal size, I will throttle you then, my hands will be big enough to – are you fucking kidding me. You are not taking my favourite dress shirt out to that cheap pub. It does not matter that I cannot wear it now. What matters is that I will, arsewipe.
Granger, I will write soon. In a bit.
Dear Granger,
I wholly apologize for the pandemonium yesterday. Blaise thinks that just because I'm only as big as what his youngest stepsister has – something about a Muggle Barbie doll called Ken – that he gets to do as he pleases.
I appreciate you helping me, Granger. Let me know if you need anything or if there are any changes.
Draco
Malfoy,
Clearly a counter-spell cannot work on you. Mind telling me how you shrunk into doll-size?
Hermione
Granger,
As you know, I am no longer affiliated with the House of Malfoy. I am blacklisted from ever working in the Ministry, and so I started up my own magical daycare. Do not laugh; I am completely serious and passionate about my job. Blaise is my partner, and we are a very successful business despite our attitudes when facing one another.
We deal with magical children, sometimes Squibs, taking care of them whilst their parents work during the day. This one Squib child (or so we thought), grabbed a hold of my wand and said that I was pretty like one of her dolls back home. I thought nothing of it, neither did Blaise, as Squibs – you know, no magic and all that … Well, she just flicked her wand at me and before I knew it, I became a living, breathing doll.
We tried to get her to do a counter-spell, but her magic only lasted for a minute – a minute that was wasted on transforming me into this state. Blaise tried everything he knew to no avail.
DM
Malfoy,
Truly sorry to hear that although you would pass off as a doll and you might be an even bigger hit than Barbie and Ken.
Anyway, I digress.
Will need to keep you at close quarters. Do you mind?
HJG
Granger,
Not at all. Where am I to be kept?
D
Malfoy,
Will run tests in my adjoining personal lab. Will be very safe. Don't worry.
H
Granger,
This is a boring, dull place. Thank you for the mini-bed, though.
D
Malfoy,
Don't complain. I'm trying to help you. But I'll bring something for you later.
H
A cure, perhaps?
D
No.
H
Granger,
Thanks for the dollhouse. I am most comfortable.
D
Malfoy,
Was that sarcasm? It truly is a nice dollhouse, you know. I've kept it all these years.
H
Malfoy?
H
…
Malfoy,
You must be feeling faint. I realize that I may have taken too much blood from you, for such a small body. Will send something to increase your red blood cells. Small portions, of course, teehee.
H
…
Granger,
Thanks for today. It was bizarre that you voluntarily shrunk yourself just to have some tea and conversation with me in the house but … appreciated, nonetheless. I might actually start to like you.
D
Malfoy,
I like tall men. Or maybe if you grew up a little.
H
Granger,
Tsk, double insults when I'm actually trying to get along. Fine. Goodnight.
D
Malfoy,
Oh come on, Malfoy … don't be like that! I was just playing.
H
Malfoy?
H
…
Granger,
If you're planning on coming by, bring some of that fancy tea you brought for the past three weeks and maybe some wine.
Draco
Malfoy,
Fine.
Hermione
…
Hermione,
I am merely curious. Are you delaying the curing process just to spend some quality time with me in this lovely house?
Draco
Draco,
No. I realize it's been a month, sorry, but I'm almost there.
Hermione
Hermione,
There where? There here or there cure?
Draco
Draco,
Both. Leave the door unlocked.
Hermione
Hermione,
Ever considered spending the night? In the other room of course.
Draco
Draco,
Well my dolls used to stay in the same room. But of course, you're much better than Ken.
Hermione
Hermione,
Why thank you. Same room then?
Draco
Draco,
Very funny.
Hermione
…
Draco,
I think I kissed you last night, did I?
Hermione
Hermione,
Maybe.
Draco
Draco,
Ugh. Whatever. I got your cure. Will drop in later.
Hermione
…
Dear Hermione,
Thank you for all your time and effort. I can now resume my life, as per usual, and it's all thanks to you. You truly are a capable woman.
Very truly yours,
Draco Malfoy
Dear Draco,
Pleasure. Take care.
Sincerely,
Hermione Granger
2 weeks later
Dear Granger,
Small problem.
Draco
Draco,
Oh dear. Don't tell me you got hit by something again.
Hermione
Hermione,
No, no. Quite a small problem.
Draco
Draco,
What is it?
Hermione
Hermione,
My small problem is that I think I have a massive crush on you. However, I suggest the perfect remedy would be maybe dinner. What do you think?
Draco
Draco,
Definitely. I recommend a high dosage of me.
Hermione
Hermione,
Perfect.
Draco
Draco,
OK. C u 2moro 7pm. Thks.
Rgrds,
HJG
Hermione,
K.
Draco
The end!