The Last Mission
"What's your opinion on the last mission?"
She made it a point to ask after each and every mission, to get to know her crew and how they thought. She could only imagine what Ashley would stay to this one.
"Hell, ma'am," the woman would reply briskly. "I mean that was one hell of a decision to make." She could have been talking about any of the decisions she'd had to make on Virmire- the genophage cure, the suicidal frontal assault, the…
Abruptly she stopped herself. She couldn't bear to think about that. Not about Virmire, not about the fate of the galaxy. The only thing that mattered was that she had been forced to leave one of her own behind.
"No one gets left behind," she muttered viciously and kicked the wall of her cabin. But it rang hollow. She'd left Ashley behind. And Ashley was dead.
"I had no choice," she tried to tell herself, but that too rang hollow. Of course she'd had a choice. She could have refused to let the Salarians have her crew member. Her crew member! She'd railed and cursed and swore inside at the time, glad that she was wearing a helmet, because she was a most unbefitting representative of humanity right then. At least the Salarian captain had understood her reluctance. He'd admitted it was a hard thing he was asking her to do, and she had respected his honesty, soldier to soldier. He was a good man.
And he was dead too. His fellows had thanked her for letting them on board- but how could she leave them behind? They were fellow soldiers who had lost a friend, no matter their race.
"No one gets left behind." The words rang even hollower this time. Tears blurred behind her eyes and she hastily wiped them away. She couldn't give up. The galaxy still needed her- even if she was mad enough to tear it all to pieces, and more than a little inclined to let Saren destroy it all.
Not before she tore his throat out though. Her fists clenched painfully and rage, grief and terrible, crippling, all too familiar guilt filled her. Ashley was dead, and it was Saren's fault. It was all Saren's fault. Was all Saren's fault. All Saren's fault. Saren's fault.
Her fault.
She had made a choice. And her choice had killed Ashley. Ashley was dead because of her. She had killed Ashley.
Ashley was dead and it was her fault.
She slumped against the wall and let herself cry.