Dear Citizens of Midgard,
Though your faith in us has become weak over the last few centuries, we the Aesir, your rightful Gods, have so kindly continued to watch over you. As such, it is only natural that we should find out about your silly movies which seem to become so vastly popular. While many were cute and insignificant, one has caught our eye. Your so-called "Avengers" movie has attracted a lot of attention, and more importantly, it seems as if you have a few notable references to us within this movie, and the one called "Thor" preceding it. As pleased as we are that you have chosen to return to the tales of old, I regret to say that you have gotten many details wrong and we find it necessary to highlight the points of your incompetence. The following series of letters details the complaints of my friends and relatives as they recount your numerous and embarrassing errors. Please do read thoughtfully. I will save my own opinions for the conclusion.
-Odin
Although I may not be particularly famous or significant across the Nine Realms, it is my honor to present my own letter first due to the incredible number of errors which are presented in my case. You may know me as Laufey- or Nal, in some cases -however I am not the character you think me to be. First and foremost, I am a lady and shall be treated as such. Secondly, I am not a king nor queen nor any kind of royalty. Moreover, I am not, in fact, a frost giant. I am not a giant at all, although my dearest Farbauti and two of my three sons are. Seeing as I have been to Jotunheim, and the aforementioned giants of my family live there, I also find it necessary to point out that Jotunheim is not a world of ice and snow, but rather a climate similar to that of Asgard or Midgard. If you wish to depict an icy wasteland, consider the realm Niflheim instead.
I do hope that I have cleared up a few details for you.
~Laufey
P.S. Expect a letter from my Aesir son, Loki, as well.
Hello. I am Heimdall, and I really only have one complaint for you today. Why did you find it necessary to include the shattering of the Bifrost? Are you not aware that a cataclysm of this level could only take place at Ragnarok- the end of all Nine Realms? Such an event would make for a thrilling "movie", but this is not what happened. Rather, you dared to say that the destruction of the Bifrost would prevent Thor from visiting his Midgard-bound mistress- and no more. Do you not understand the gravity of such a situation? Your utter disrespect for the Bifrost and myself is appalling.
Oh, and one other, happier insight. I find it lovely that you decided to incorporate a variety of ethnicities into your cast for your "movie" Thor. However, I am described countless times as the whitest of the gods. I might even be called this daily. As such, I find it particularly ironic and amusing that the man chosen to play my part was, as you say it, "black". Well done humans. Your repulsiveness is once again returned to excellence in my all seeing eyes.
Sincerely,
Heimdall
And here you have it, the letter I am sure you have been most eagerly awaiting. I, Thor, will be addressing your difficulties portraying my character. My wife, Sif, will have me put in a few words for her as well. So then, where to start?
Although it is not a major detail, I do find it most bothersome that you chose an actor with blond hair to play my part. I have red hair, and I am mighty proud of it. In fact, your pathetic "Chris Hemsworth" is not worthy of acting as the magnificent Thor. Can your puny actor wield the actual Mjolnir? Summon lightning? Does he have an actual beard worthy of a God? No. No human shall ever compare to me.
I also do not appreciate your depiction of me as immoral, unintelligent, and hungry for power. At least, for a good part of Thor that is. I shall have you know that life does not bode well for those who insult the Gods.
Sif, my dearest, would like you to know that, although she is entirely aware of my many affairs, she does not appreciate being set in as a background character while some fictional human fills in as my love interest.
In all, you all must know that I shall find whoever is responsible for the making of this film and I shall ensure that they sail onward into ever darker waters of misery.
-Thor
…
And Sif
I cnt rite wel wit hooooves but i wantd to telll yuu dat i has EIGHT8 legses Yoo put in onlee SIX6 andd me Sleipnir was being dissapoint Yuu shood bee nise to ponyies
-Hoofprint
All right, all right. Odin probably put this letter last didn't he? Douche. Oh, and I bet you're wondering why my language sounds so, normal? Yeah. I have been watching over you Midgardians for freaking ever. Not like I have anything better to do. Are the other Gods really just now figuring out that Marvel decided to throw us into the mix? Way to go slowpokes. Whatever. You want my two cents, you'll get them.
I have been called by many names. Mostly Loki. Sometimes Lopt. Occasionally really long mouthfuls of words that I am too lazy to write out for you. Got it? Know who I am? Good.
My main point here is going to be this. Baldur. Vali. Do you know what those two have in common? They are Thor's brothers. Note how I am not on that list, I will never be on that list, and I do not want to be on that list. Thor is cool and all, but I would never want to be related to him. Even if it was only through adoption. Also, it's not cool that you guys made me the dick. I'm a cool guy. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve to be TIED TO A FREAKING ROCK WITH THE GUTS OF MY OWN MURDERED SON. I mean, granted I did kill Thor's most popular and beloved brother, and I insulted him, several times…
Oh, look at that, I'm ranting. Back on subject.
Anyway, as much as I am a troll, I am not the one who started the actual violence part of all the fighting that has gone on between me and Thor. He should be the bad guy of the movie. I want to be the hero. You can still cast me as Tom Hiddleston though. That guy is every flavor of awesome.
But I have other points to address. I am not a frost giant. Or a giant. As I'm sure my mom has already told you. My dad is a giant, and I hate that. That's why I go by Laufeyson instead of Farbautison. My brothers are also giants, and I hate that too. Oh well. I'm still awesome, and I'm an Aesir just like Thor and Tyr and Heimdall and Odin and all of those other stupid preps who decided to… nah, not going to rant again.
So, I guess that about wraps it up. But I'm totally awesome so you all should use your magical fangirl and fanboy powers to release me from these stupid bonds or at least get rid of the stupid snake that has been torturing me. Either one would be awesome.
Your friend,
Who seriously wants you to come and GET ME THE FRICK OUT OF HERE,
Loki
So now I am certain you have come to understand a few of the blasphemous errors you have committed against us Gods, and I do hope that you feel the true weight and guilt of your actions. I myself have nothing more to bring forth which has not already been mentioned. However, I do rejoice that you managed to allude to my missing eye. This single attention to small detail has brought redeeming light unto the otherwise ungodly horror of the story you have presented us. On the next day humans dare to write their own tales of the Gods, remember this as a warning.
-Odin
P.S. Pay no mind to Loki.