Title: Another Century
Author: PG-13 (FOR LANGUAGE, not too bad)
Summary: Dean's thoughts before breaking into Sam's apartment in the Pilot.
Disclaimer: Would you believe me if I said I did own Supernatural?
A/N: Hmm this has been in the back of my head for a while. I don't know if there's that much angst but there is an underlying feeling of angst so whatevaa. I
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"Another century spent pointing guns,
at anything that moves."
-'Easy/Lucky/Free' Bright Eyes
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I'm parked outside an apartment building in a college town. The Impala is sitting quietly, hasn't talked once since it growled and shut off oh, 50 minutes ago?
Going in there and finally seeing what I've been waiting to see since that door slammed seems impossibly hard. I would have to cross the street and jimmy that lock and go up to the second floor to apartment 2H and then knock on the door. No. I'd jimmy that lock to and then I'll wait… or he'll hear me and come out. And then I'll have to play it cool. Then I'll have to smile and maybe find a joke or two to throw in. I'll have to do all this to try to play down the absolutely glee and relief when I hear the word 'Dean' fall from my brothers lips.
And the word 'Sammy' finally be heard.
Then again… I could put this car back in drive and high-tail it out of this cursed town. I could pick up the trail my father left, find him myself. I've done it all mostly alone for the past two years. I can go on for another lifetime. Another century or two.
But thoughts like that are the ones have stopped me from getting here in the first place. Ideas like 'Sam's happier now' and 'I can't tear him away' and 'Let him be normal' are the ones that have hindered me from sitting outside his window just like this.
Open the car door and think:
What if he says he doesn't want to go? I could enter that apartment and he could wake up and tell me to get the hell out. He could push me out the door and say he doesn't give a fuck about dad. He could ruin everything.
Slam the door behind me and think:
What if he's not even home? What if he went somewhere and his girlfriend is home? That Jess girl I've always seen him going in and out of his apartment with? Or oh god what if I walk in and they're… God what if my brother's about to get some and I-
Take a few steps into the street and think:
What if he's still angry at me? What if he confirms all my worst nightmares when I enter that apartment. I mean… There has to be a reason he hasn't bothered to pick up the phone and call me or dad. Maybe he doesn't want us around. Maybe he does hate us. Maybe he has heard all those voicemails I left him, begging him to call me. All those voicemails of me making a fool of myself. He probably heard them and ignored them.
Cross the street and think:
What if he's happy? What if I'll be tearing him away from the only true happiness for him. He's got a girl. He's got a life, he's not going to just pick up and leave. All he life I knew he didn't really want to be a hunter. I knew whenever he'd bring home his straight A report card. I used to call him 'nerd' or 'geek boy' but now that I think about it I was just jealous of him. I had all failed report cards. He was the smart one, and I just wasn't. He had a ticket far away from the hunting life but I had nothing but my guns and a century to use them.
Stand in front of the apartment door and think:
Sam will care about dad, right? He wouldn't not care. When I tell him dad's in trouble he'll think about our childhood, he'll remember all the great times we had as a family. All the car rides in the Impala listening to dad softly hum Kansas and Blue Oyster Cult. He won't think of the gun training and running drills. He'll think of the pride on our father's face when we saved his ass when Sam was only nine years old. He won't think of the bandages and casted limbs. He'll remember the two of us sitting around playing cards and watching old movies. And he will not remember me covering his ears so he wouldn't hear our father crying out from the pains of withdrawl or when he'd call mom's name out in the middle of the night. He'd remember us being brothers. He'd remember us all being happy.
But goddamn me if he doesn't.
Break in and think:
What if I put Sam in danger? Right now even though he doesn't have anyone protecting him he's reasonably safe. I could just wait for Dad to track me down again and stay here, seemingly invisible. I could rent a motel room and be a silent part of the hunt doing research and sending it to Pastor Jim or Bobby or someone. I could stay here and watch Sam as he has his normal life. I could stay here and be the silent protector of him and everything he loves now.
But I don't turn back and rent a motel room.
Reach the stairwell:
Try not to think at all.
Reach the door to Sam's floor and think:
What if dad is perfectly fine and I have absolutely nothing to worry about? What if I pull Sam out only to find out he lost his cell phone and just didn't bother to call? What if I only make Sam angrier and make my chances of getting our broken family back together disappear forever? This could be the biggest mistake of my life yet I'm still going towards it.
See his door down the hall and think:
What if this is the hunt for the thing that killed Mom? What if dad's finally got it and I'm pulling Sam into the most dangerous hunt of our lives? What if he actually gets into the hunt and it consumes him? What if the hunt becomes his life and Sam gets hurt? God. What if he's the one about to spent a century in fear of the dark again? What if he'll always have a gun on him again, ready. Trained to shoot again. Jesus. What if he becomes what I am now?
Think:
God I'm selfish. Yeah that too. I'm dragging him into this for me not him. Talk about the worst brother ever.
Stand in front of his door and think:
This is all too unreal. I'm not here. I'm about to wake up in some grungy motel room with dad throwing a duffle bag at me telling me it's time to go. I've probably fallen asleep in my car waiting for dad to return with some food. I can't really be about to see my brother again after all this time. I can't.
Jimmy the lock and think:
Turn back, Dean. Turn the fuck back. Don't do it. Don't mess this up.
Think:
Please god. Please just let him want to see me. Please don't let this destroy everything.
Think:
It was meant to be him and me. Us Winchester brothers hunting together with our dad. It was meant to be centuries of brothers and laughing and crying and being brothers. There was never meant to be Stanford or death or destruction. We were meant to be brother's dammit so let me put fate back on track.
Take my first step inside and think:
Come on Sammy. Let's take a ride in the Impala. Let's find dad.
Let's be brothers, Sammy. Come on.
Let's spend forever as hunters, as brothers.
Think:
God, this is going to be one hell of a ride, but I hope it lasts longer than centuries.
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A/N: Hope you enjoyed it cuz I loved writing it! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and I hope if you have a second you review!
-Liliaa