Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. own Harry Potter and related franchises. This is a non-profit work.
Warning: I do not mean to insult any authors with these poems, even though they do target some rampant fanon cliches. Many authors have made these cliches their own and added a new twist to it. I know I have at some point or the other. That said, read on!
INDEX
1. Daphne Greengrass
Daphne Greengrass
Who, you ask, is Daphne Greengrass?
Why, the girl o'er there, with the perfect arse!
Come round here and check out those perfect baps –
I know you're excited, but restrain your claps.
Beware! Don't let her catch you staring,
Don't grope her, or stand there leering,
She's the Ice Queen, a stone cold fox,
She won't hesitate to curse your rocks!
She's the best at Charms, her Potions ain't shabby;
She can get points from McGonagall, that biased old tabby!
So don't be taken aback by her quiet demeanour,
Step away before she pulls her wand and hexes your wiener!
So for the sake of your nads,
Look away, won't you lads?
I know it's hard, for she has the bluest eyes,
The kind that draw you in; spin a web of lies…
Only one man has approached her and escaped her ire,
Has melted her frozen heart with his passion and fire –
Harry Potter, Gryffindor Seeker,
Boy-who-lived, of course he's a keeper!
He brushed aside her shields, reached deep inside,
Touched the vulnerable Daphne she wanted to hide,
And so began an impossible affair
That stunned witches and wizards everywhere.
She was the perfect snake, sly and cold,
Him? The Hero – brave and bold.
Like the perfect guide, she took him under her wing.
Like the perfect wife, she began pulling some strings.
She fed him potions of the nutritional kind,
Taught him to meditate, to calm his mind,
Ne'er mind that the old Harry was a procrastinator of the highest order,
Within a week he had better grades than his fellow boarders!
She rescued his inheritance from the goblins,
Taught him new spells – cursin' and jixin' –
She helped him master the art of Occlumency,
Fed him a potion that made his vision twenty-twenty!
And so a new Harry emerged – calm and cool,
With a figure that made even Minnie drool –
He was the best in every way, like his wife,
Now he could finally achieve it – an independent life.
They uncovered a plan, by Al Dumbledore,
And Granger and Weasley were his friend no more!
The fact that they'd risked their lives for him was forgotten –
Wasn't it obvious? They were conniving and rotten!
Neville Longbottom now took Harry's best friend's spot,
And he helped uncover a terrible plot –
By Ginevra Weasley, that redheaded slag,
Who wanted to ditch her life of poverty and rags.
So Harry schemed, they plotted, killed a Death Eater or two,
He cursed Malfoy until his balls were forever blue.
He no longer required Hermione's brilliance or Ron, his oldest friend,
Daphne was better than both – a sexier blend.
Finally, free of all his chains,
After lots of training, lots of pain,
Harry took on ol' Voldemort,
For really, he was the most wicked sort.
Harry, once not the most brightest of wands,
Was now a genius on par with Albus and Grindelwald,
One year of his training was enough to counter Tom's seventy,
For he had Daphne's love – he had it in plenty.
And he returned to fall into Daphne's soft embrace,
For it was his love for her that had put Tom in his place!
Free of the prophecy, he turned the Wizarding World on its head,
That is – when he had time to leave their marriage bed.
And they lived happily ever after, with 15 kids...
And so ends most every HP/DG story you'll ever read.
Author's notes: Once more, I don't want to poke fun at, or malign anybody who's written similar stories. I've read more than my fair share of them.
Also, there are some stories which have tried to break this cliché. 'Ice Princess' by Luan Mao is one, and of course, I have tried, in 'The Ice Queen Who Never Was'. Luan's is infinitely better. Check it out.