Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: I've been wanting for a while to write my own take on Raven forgiving Clarke for what happened with Finn. Then I got ideas for Abby and Octavia dealing with betrayals from Clarke as well, and I decided to make them all a sort of series. This first chapter follows Raven's thoughts from the end of 2x08 through the end of 2x09 with an original scene at the end to sort of tie things together. Enjoy!
Raven
Ever since Raven realized there was something between Clarke and Finn, a part of her has always known Clarke would take Finn from her. But she never dreamed it would be like this.
She never sees it coming. Or maybe she does and she just doesn't want to admit it. But one minute Clarke is walking past Lexa, right past the woman she's supposed to kill, and the next moment Finn's head is hanging limply. Raven can see the blood covering his stomach from here. Even so, it takes it a moment to sink in. Finn is dead. The boy she loves, the boy who risked everything to make her smile, the boy who gave up his life to protect her, is dead.
Clarke Griffin killed him.
The grief hits her then with all the force of a crashing spacecraft. Suddenly all she can feel is soul-crushing agony. It takes her a moment to realize that the primal scream filling her ears is coming from her own mouth. Then her knees give out and Bellamy's arms are the only thing keeping her from crashing to the ground.
Through the haze of brutal pain and swimming vision, Raven Rayes makes herself a promise. She will never forgive Clarke for this. Not ever.
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She holds herself to that promise in the day that follows. Any words from Clarke are met with as few as Raven can possibly manage said in the iciest tone possible. Apparently Clarke takes the hint, because after a few initial attempts, she makes a visible effort to stay out of Raven's way. And that's just fine by Raven. Clarke is a sellout, a traitor. Finn chose her over Raven, and then Clarke killed him. She had a chance at saving him, and she killed him. She killed the man she claimed to love. And it doesn't matter how upset she pretends to be about it. She made the choice, and she damn well better learn to live with it.
Personally, Raven hopes she lives a long life wracked by guilt. But even if Clarke lives to be a hundred years old, that still won't be long enough for Raven. No, Clarke needs to suffer. Raven would probably have jumped Clarke herself by now if it wasn't for the knowledge that Finn wouldn't want that. In fact, Finn would probably forgive her for killing him. That knowledge only makes Raven angrier.
But at least she can take solace from the fact that this so-called alliance is hopelessly doomed to failure. Clarke sold Finn for something she'll never have. The joke's on her, and sooner or later this little charade will blow itself apart. From the looks of things, that day will be sooner rather than later. And when it comes, Clarke Griffin will get hers. Raven only hopes she's there to see it.
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Clarke's assumption that Raven tried to kill Lexa is just the icing on the freaking cake. Who does she think she is, strutting over here asking if Raven is a killer? Clarke's the only killer here. And she doesn't even have the decency to be upset about it. She's acting like everything's completely normal. But it's not, thanks to Clarke. And Raven has had it up to here with Clarke's self-righteous crap.
So she punches her.
It doesn't make Raven feel any better, unfortunately. Neither does the fact that Clarke is apparently seeing Finn's ghost. It should. Clarke deserves to be haunted by what she's done. Knowing that she is should feel like justice. And maybe in some ways it does.
But even so, Raven can't shake just the tiniest twinge of sympathy.
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The knives cutting into her flesh are like nothing she's ever felt. Each cut is painfully slow, and it feels like each one will drag on for an eternity. Raven's felt pain before, but this… This is agony. Agony so sharp it's like nothing else exists. Like the entire universe is only pain.
And still it goes on. No matter how much she pleads or cries or insists that she's innocent, they just keep cutting. One agonizingly slow slice after another. The torment is unbearable. Why are they toying with her? This could drag on for hours yet, like dying a thousand slow deaths. It's pure torture. If they want to kill her, fine. But they could at least have the decency to make it quick, damn it!
Suddenly Clarke is yelling at them to stop. And mercifully, they listen. She and the commander exchange words, but Raven is too weak to understand them. Whatever Clarke says must work though, because the next thing Raven knows Abby and Bellamy are cutting her down. They have to hold her up because she can barely even stand. Her entire body is too weak with relief. It's over. She's not sure how much more of that she could have taken.
As Bellamy and Abby help her inside, Raven finds herself wondering what sort of people could use this as a punishment. How can they all just stand there and watch it happen, watch a person be slowly sliced to bits? It's beyond barbaric. It's...
It's what they would've done to Finn.
Raven manages to catch Clarke's eyes as they pass her. It's only for a second, but it's long enough to see that Clarke knows. She knows this is what would have happened to him. Raven tries to tell herself that it changes nothing, that Clarke still killed him. Because she did. And his loss hurts like hell.
But for the first time since Finn's death, Raven's anger falters.
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She pulls the blanket tighter around herself as she watches the Grounder execution proceed. Each cut across his body makes her stomach clench. Her own wounds are still stinging fiercely. As much as it hurts to watch, however, a part of her feels obligated to. This man had been willing to let her die for his actions. She needs to see him pay. But in spite of her anger, part of her still wonders if there isn't a better way to handle this.
A knife slowly drags its way across his stomach, and suddenly all Raven can see is Finn's head hanging limp and Clarke's knife dripping blood. That's when it finally hits her. If this is the punishment for claiming one life, what would they have done to Finn for taking far more? She can only imagine how much worse it would have been.
The cuts on her body seem to scream in agony. Raven herself had only endured this for a few minutes, and already she was at the point of breaking. They had planned to make Finn's punishment last all night. He never would have survived that. And even if he had made it to sunrise, the hell he would've been forced to endure is beyond Raven's imagining.
She turns around and catches Clarke watching her. The guilt in Clarke's eyes is clearly eating her alive. But Raven understands now. Clarke didn't sell out. She killed Finn because she loved him. She saved him from hours of unending torment. And in a way, she saved Raven too. She saved her from having to watch the man she loved be slowly torn apart. Clarke sold her soul to save Finn. And for that, Raven owes her.
As she turns back to the execution, her own sorrow weighing heavily on her heart, Raven makes herself a new promise. She's going to mourn Finn like he deserves. And then she's going to find a way to make things right with Clarke.
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It's a couple days later when Raven finally gets that opportunity. She leaves the radio for a minute to go to the bathroom, and when she comes back, Clarke is sitting at the table staring at the receiver. It's the middle of the night, so the sight of her there is a bit surprising. Plus, now that Bellamy's finally made contact, Raven had sort of hoped Clarke would get out of her hair and get cracking on the assault plan instead. Apparently not.
"Shouldn't you be sleeping or something?" Raven asks as she approaches the table.
"Somebody needs to be here at all times in case Bellamy needs us," Clarke says. It's clearly meant to be a lecture, but her voice is far too weary and instead the words just fall flat. Something about her tone worries Raven. Usually Clarke is so full of fire.
"You okay?" Raven asks carefully as she sits down beside Clarke.
"I couldn't sleep," Clarke says without looking up.
Only then does Raven notice that Clarke's eyes are bloodshot. Suddenly she finds herself wondering how much sleep Clarke has gotten in the past few days. Not much, if the dark circles under her eyes are any indication. She probably hasn't eaten much either, knowing her. Clarke has gotten so good at looking after the rest of them, but now Raven wonders who it is that looks after Clarke. Finn's dead, Bellamy's gone, Abby and Clarke are on the outs, and Octavia is busy trying to get in good with the Grounders, so apparently that just leaves Raven. Who, unfortunately, has never exactly been the best with people. But she figures she can give it a shot for Clarke. Raven owes her at least that much.
"Bellamy's gonna be okay," she says in an effort to be reassuring.
"He has to be," Clarke says. Raven expects her to follow that up with some strong statement about how the whole plan depends on Bellamy and how he can take care of himself. That's Clarke's way, after all. But what comes out instead is, "I can't lose him too."
The amount of brokenness in that simple statement floors Raven. She's thrown herself so far into her work the last few days that she's almost forgotten about Finn's death. She's ashamed to admit it, although a small part of her wonders if maybe he would have wanted it that way. But clearly Clarke hasn't forgotten. Which, Raven realizes, is probably why she hasn't been sleeping. Finn's ghost must still be haunting her.
"I never said thank-you," Raven says softly. Clarke looks up in confusion, so Raven elaborates. "For Finn."
Clarke's gaze drops immediately.
"I killed him," she says flatly. "I don't deserve thanks."
"Look," Raven tells her. "I wanted to hate you for it. For a while I did. But when the Grounders thought I killed Lexa? When they tried to kill me? That's when I got it. What they would've put him through..." She trails off with a shake of her head. It takes her a moment to find her voice again amid the sudden tightness of her throat. "Finn was going to die either way, Clarke. At least this way it was quick. At least this way he didn't die alone."
Clarke still isn't looking up. Raven reaches over and takes Clarke's hand in her own, which causes Clarke to inhale sharply. Suddenly she looks so fragile sitting there. It's so easy to look at Clarke and see the fierce leader she has become. Sometimes Raven forgets that Clarke is just as young and inexperienced as the rest of them. She's just better at hiding it.
"Hey," Raven says softly. Clarke finally looks up with pained eyes. Raven meets her gaze, trying to cram every bit of sincerity she can manage into her next two words. "Thank you."
That proves too much for Clarke. She shakes her head, unable to speak as tears well up in her eyes. Raven scoots her chair closer and wraps her arms tightly around her friend. She can feel tears threatening to spill out of her own eyes as well. Clarke hugs her back, and then they're both holding each other as tightly as they can. It seems appropriate somehow that Finn's loss should draw them both together. They both loved him, after all. Why shouldn't they mourn him together?
"We're gonna be okay," Raven says automatically, her voice hoarse with emotion. Clarke's arms tighten reflexively around Raven's waist.
"I know," she chokes.
In spite of the growing damp patch on Raven's shoulder, Clarke sounds like she might actually believe it. And for the first time in a long time, part of Raven does too.
So how was it? Please leave a quick review and let me know what you thought. I would greatly appreciate it. Abby's chapter will be up in a few days, and it's about her coming to terms with Clarke knowing about the missile. So keep your eyes open for that. In the meantime, if you liked this story, feel free to check out my other stories for this show - "A Piece in Their Game" (Abby's thoughts on Clarke, Bellamy, Octavia, Finn, Raven and Murphy expressed as a chess analogy), "Ye Who Enter Here" (Bellamy's point of view on Finn's death), and "The Things We Lost" (my version of how I wanted Clarke, Abby, Bellamy and Octavia to deal with the aftermath of Finn's death).