A/N Hello! This is my first IZ fanfic. Hope you enjoy it (or at least don't die from it).

Disclaimer: I don't own IZ but you know that don't you?

Chapter One: The Useless Home Improvement Channel

"Oh my gosh! I love it!" squealed a blonde human female who was grinning insanely and pointing at something.

"Me too," squeaking a certain robot who was currently watching the UHI channel.

"GIR! Turn that down. It's hard enough concentrating on improving the computer's obedience chip without hearing those filthy pig-smellies squealing like a bunch of rabid squirrels." Zim was bending over a small chip while sitting at the table in the kitchen. He wished he could be underground in his labs but the computer had kicked him out. He had just managed to find the computer's obedience chip and a few tools before the computer tried obliterating him with lasers. This wasn't the first time the computer had acted up but it had never been this bad. Zim cursed himself for not thinking of fixing up the computer's obedience chip before.

"But…but the house is so pretty, "GIR sniffed happily, a few tears shining in his cyan eyes. "And the happy lady is so happy." Nonetheless, he turned the volume down a bit as the human started screaming in delight as she saw the rest of her transformed home.

Zim put his tools down and sighed in irritation. He rubbed his head; he needed a break. He walked over to the living room to sit on the couch beside his faithful but useless robot.

"What are you watching anyway? This doesn't look like any of the shows you normally watch," he commented curiously.

"It's the Useless Home Improvement channel. They take ugly old homes and make thems all purdy n' stuff. The Scary Monkey Show isn't on right now so I'ma watchin' this." Though the truth was, GIR was brought into watching it because it had a lot of happy bright colors that reminded him of his usual cartoons. But not even he knew that.

"Hmm," Zim said, uninterested. He had no need to watch such pitiful shows that the hyumans made in order to satisfy their simple short attention spans. He needed to fix whatever was wrong with his computer and watching human TV would not bring him any closer. He was willing to bet his squiddely spooch that the large headed Dib-stink was behind his computer's malfunction. Since his computer was forced to go offline, his security system was also offline, making him vulnerable to any human attack. But there was no doubt in his mind that he would be able to fix it. After all, he was the amazing Irken Invader Zim! But once and a while even his awesome brain meats required a few hours of rest if he had a challenging (but not impossible) task.

"GIR! I'll be walking around in the filthy Earth city to clear my head so I need you to watch over the base until I get back. Understand?" He knew what was coming but he couldn't help but ask.

"Ooooooh. Da cheese gonna eat the piggy. I liiike cheese. Piggy cheese!" The dysfunctional robot proceeded to jump off from the couch and run around in circles screaming "Piggy cheese!"

Zim let out a tired sigh. He wondered why he never got rid of the robot. Putting on his old man disguise and trudged out the door, thinking of complicated ways he could send GIR off somewhere. Maybe to Africa…Yes, that would be good. Of course, GIR would probably make friends with the bees over there…

GIR, on the other hand, was thinking about exploding dancing weenies. A colorful advertisement with sickly off-key jolly music on the TV caught his attention and he sat back on the couch calmly.

A high-pitched, slightly crazed man's voice spoke. "Did you like the useless improving we did on the last episode? Huh? WELL DID YA?!" he screeched. Clearing his throat, he started again in a calm cheery tone, "Well that's just GREAT! Is your house pathetic and ugly?"

"Yep," GIR responded proudly.

"Well, what if we re-did your house to make it nice and purdy? Just call this number and a team will rip house inside out until it's not ugly…uhh…no more! Woo! How would you like that?"

Vivid yellow numbers flashed on the screen. GIR sat there, slowly processing what was just said. Suddenly he jumped up. "I got's me an idea. Master's gonna looove me for making his base nice n' purdy!"

He grabbed the phone and miraculously dialed in all the numbers correctly the first time. It was a new record. Everybody celebrate! Woo-hoo!

Someone picked up after the third ring. A bored female voice sounded in GIR's phone. "Hmm? Yeah this is the UHI phone line. We guarantee your satisfaction or disappointment. Whichever you prefer."

Ummm…yeah. I want to make my master's base purdy."

"Uhh…Please stand by while I search for an opening." A few minutes filled with elevator-like music goodness passed. "Sorry. WE are booked for the next ten years—No! Wait! An opening has just been—well—opened!" The telephone person's voice swelled with excitement. "Yes, we can uselessly improve your home tomorrow!"

"Yay! I can't wait. Master's gonna be so happy that he'll explode! I like explody happiness!"

"So do I, kid. Now leave me alone! I have some important sleep—I mean business to catch up on." The phone clicked and a beeping filled GIR's phone. He didn't care though. He just kept shouting into the receiver about happy exploding bunnies.

A/N Hope you all didn't die. Please review nicely.