One night in the World That Never Was, Xigbar was getting himself a midnight snack from the fridge. Although, because the sun never rose in that place, it was almost always midnight, so he was essentially just getting a normal snack. Anyway, he grabbed a ham sandwich and some beer to wash it down with. Kicking back to watch the game on Xemnas's big screen, he was miffed to get interrupted by some kind of special news bulletin.
"Murdered forest dwarfs? As if I care about those lame bearded bums!" he said through a mouthful of soggy ham. When the stupid news reporter kept yapping on and on, Xigbar changed the channel. But Xemnas never actually paid for cable service—he opted to steal from the Nobodies next door. So instead of getting a wide selection of programs, the only things available were ESPN and HSN.
"...And here we have this premium mop for sale. Made for that housewife on the go, you'll notice the finely textured rod also doubles as a suitcase handle!" said the perky blonde saleswoman.
Xigbar held a pensive look. "Y'know, I think the big man used to own a mop..." He took the last sip of beer from the six-pack and then dozed off on the couch.
And that's when something magical happened...
Particles of light fluttered through the window, setting off all the emergency radiation leak sensors and effectively locking down the fortress. Somewhere very far, yet very near, a nuclear missile had exploded and propelled the fallout all over the tri-state area. The particles combined with Xigbar's beer-induced, freakish dreams and gave form to a girl who was never known and long forgotten.
Xigbar mumbled in his sleep a bit, eventually awakening when he felt a hand ghost over his scarred cheek. With a groan, he opened his only functioning eye and saw the girl for the first time. "Whoa, what was in that ham? Never goin' through the boss's stuff again, that's for sure..."
"Hello, Mr. Bar," said the girl, a tinge of pink in her cheeks.
"Daycare's closed, kiddo," he said, waving his hand as if shooing away a fly. His eye then rolled back into his head and he let out a loud yawn. "Go on and...get..." He then fell asleep again.
But she wouldn't let him sleep. She wanted him. With a little hop, she pounced on him and sent the drunk Nobody rolling off the couch.
"What's your deal, girlie?" yelped the drunk. The thick stench of alcohol on his breath didn't repulse the crazed girl at all. In fact, it had the opposite effect. She started clawing at him like a kitten on catnip. Maybe Mr. Wow was her dealer or something. "Get off me, you creep!" Xigbar shoved the girl, but she was clinging to him for dear life.
"Mr. Bar...I've always..." The girl gave an audible gulp as her face flushed deeper scarlet. "Please, Mr. Bar...be my valentine!" The weird, drugged out girl then produced a heart-shaped card that she oh-so lovingly kissed and handed to Xigbar. Where she got it, Nobody knows.
"Yeah, I know," said Nobody. "I ain't tellin', though."
"Shut up, Carlx!" Xigbar sneered. He then shot Carlx the Nobody and tried to shoot the weird girl, but she was just a figment created from his perverted dreams, so she didn't really exist and he wound up shooting himself in the chest. Xigbar died instantly, and so did the girl, because without anyone left to think about her, she didn't have an anchor in this world anymore.
When the dream apparition vanished, the computer in the castle sensed the nuclear radiation had retreated to normal levels. The doors opened, allowing Roo to hop inside and grab the Pooh sticks that were fired into Carlx and Xigbar from the modified gun. He also confiscated the Pooh stick-loaded gun and returned everything to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The end.