The agony of a bitter end

I can still see you. I can still hear you. I can still smile, I can still weep for you. But there are many things I can't do. I can't touch you. I can't speak to you. I can't be the reason you're laughing, even if I can be the reason you still cry. I can't hold your hand. I can't do that. Out of all the things I can do, I can't do what I need to do. What I wouldn't do to hold you in my arms again. What I wouldn't do to touch your hair.

He woke up with a frown on his face again today. I knew that frown. He probably dreamed about us again. I wish he would stop. It's not like thinking about me will bring me back to him. The world just doesn't work that way.

"Reiji-kun, good morning." I say softly pushing my feet off the ground to float only inches from his nose.

He yawns in response. Not like he could hear me anyways. His sleepy gray eyes look right through me to watch his sleeping Kōhais turn and mutter in their deep slumber. At that he gives a soft smile. He has only had them for about a day or two, but they both seem to make him happy. Although the blue haired one is pretty up tight.

Stretching his arms out he pushes the thick blanket off of him. I float away to give him his room as he swings his legs over the side of his bed. His bare feet land on the floor with little sound. I frown at him.

"Reiji, even if it is still summer, you should have slippers by your bed. What if you were to catch a fever? There would be no way for me to help you." I scold.

Yes, I know that he can't hear me, nor can he see me. But even in death I couldn't leave him alone. Though I guess I'm not really dead. My uncle is forcing me to stay alive, but just barely. It was only after I woke up to see him crying over my body, I knew I had made a grave error. Since then I've been following him. Drifting here, floating there. Sometimes I go to check on my brother when he's alone. But these last few days have been, well, hectic.

"Still," I whisper softly, afraid of how true my words were. "I wish that you could acknowledge me. I feel so lonely."

He didn't say anything. He never does. But still every time he looks through me, I still have that small glissen of hope that he is looking at me.

I decide to leave him be while he goes for his morning jog today. Even as a ghost, I still get upset that he won't, can't, respond to me. Floating by, I see Ranmaru with another new kōhai. Over time I've learned all of Reiji's and Ai's friend's names. Ranmaru and Camus are so funny together, they're like a small comedy show.

"You have kitchen duty today." I hear Ranmaru tell the blonde.

"What? I made dinner last night!" He whines.

"Reiji pushed it off on me. Since you're m kōhai I'm letting you do it."

"Can't you just push it off onto Masato or maybe the chibi?"

"You can try." Ranmaru shrugs off the idea.

Neither of the two names mention I recognize. They must be kōhais for someone else. The only name I have so far memorized would be Otoyan's. He is the perky red head that rooms with Reiji. I believe that he calls the blue haired one Toki or something like that.

Feeling somewhat left out, I leave them. The kitchen will soon be full of the people who stay here, but I'm not worried about them. As long as I can stay by Reiji's side, I don't need anyone else.

By now I wonder where Reiji is. He probably returned from his run. Did I miss him? Checking in his room, I find he is not there. I frown. Maybe he went to see Ai. Those two have become closer since my not death. Not that they weren't close before that, but I notice that Reiji smiles happier smiles when he's with Ai. And Ai, well he's really good at hiding his emotions behind his unwavering robotic mask, but I know he's happier with Reiji too. What can I say? I know my brother well.

"I hate this schedule!" I hear the voice explode from behind Ai's door, as I land in front of his door. It is not Reiji's voice, that's for sure.

"Maybe if you didn't slack off..."

"It's called sleeping. Something that is required for daily functions! Not that a robotic person like you would know that." The voice huffed.

"And now, because you stayed to argue you are six minutes late rather than four." I could hear Ai's voice chiding him.

"Whatever!" The voice shouts again. By now I am very sure it's a male voice.

It doesn't even faze me as the door swings open. I see his furious blue eyes and somewhat messy blonde hair. His small fist balled, ready to hit someone. I hold back my laughter. He's so cute and looks so mad. Even though I know he can't see me I send him a small wave before entering the room.

"Ai-chan ~~~" I say with a whinny voice. "Have you seen Reiji? He's not back from his jog yet, is he?"

I give a small smile as Ai looks at his laptop. His emotionless eyes look over every word of the lyrics hoping to find a mistake that he may have missed.

"Ah." I hear the blonde's voice clear. "I saw him with Tokiya."

"What?" Ai turns around glaring daggers at the blonde. "Who?"

"Reiji?" He says puzzled.

"Thank you." I smile knowing that he doesn't see me. It was just a fluke after all.

At the same time though I hear Ai tell him sternly. "Maybe you should worry about where you are."

"Sure." He looks at the ground.

I haven't seen that blonde haired boy around. Of course I am assuming he's a child, after all he's so small. Though I haven't really looked for him recently. But today, as Reiji was getting ready for his daily jog, I couldn't help but to wonder. Maybe I'm being silly, but it really did feel like he was talking to me three days ago. Yes, it's Vexen three days and I'm still thinking about it.

"Reiji, what's that cute blonde's name. Not the tall one, but the short one? It feels almost like he was talking to me. But I know that's not possible, you know. After all no one can see me. I'm just a ghost." I rant as I lean my back against the wall while sitting on his bed. Note to self you are not able to do everything when you are a ghost. That first time walling into a door, I felt so embarrassed! Eventually I got the hang of it, but still it took a while to faze through stuff.

Reiji's head turns to look at Otoya, apparently that's his real name not Otoyan, who rose from his bed. "Otoyan, are you practicing with Masa today?"

"Hmmm, no. Syo-chan and I are going shopping with Natsuki today."

"Oh~ buy stuff to make karaage and I'll talk Saotome-san into cooking dinner tonight."

"Hai hai." Otoya yawns before flipping back over.

I feel my eyes widen. Reiji doesn't like to shop much. "Reiji~ are you okay if I go with Otoya? It's been so long since I went shopping. I'll be good I promise!"

Naturally he didn't respond. So I took that as a 'yes, go have fun'.

"Thank you Reiji! You're the best."

There are still dreams that I have, things I want to do. But I'm afraid. What if I can't make it? What if I'm not good enough? Life is so hard, but death is so boring. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to your world. The one filled with life. But I'm scared. There are so many 'what ifs'. At least if I stay the way I am, I can stay by you. Being with you makes me sad. Why can't you see me? Why can't I touch you, and you notice? Why is I that even when I'm happy, I'm so very sad? If I went back to my body, would everything change?

Otoya waves his hand to draw the other's attention to him. I'm not sure why but they had to come separately. One of them is a tall blonde with piercing green eyes. And the other is that cute little blonde.

I swear that if I didn't know any better he was glaring at me. He even opened his mouth to speak but was rudely interrupted.

"Sorry we're so late." The tall one says. "Syo-chan was on the phone for an hour."

The one I now know as Syo-chan blushes. "It was important, okay?"

"That's not a problem Syo-chan." Otoya says happily. "So what are we here for, Natsuki?" He turns to the tall one.

"Ingredients for my latest baking project!" He says all to happily.

"Ah, Otoya!" I say. "Don't forget Reiji's karaage!"

"Reiji's karaage?" Syo says looking at Otoya.

"Syo did he tell you too? That's a food thing, it almost slipped my mind."

I frown. That is the second time.

"No, your friend said it." He chocked with surprise.

"Who?"

"Him." He points in my direction stunning me.

"Syo-chan are you feeling alright? I didn't bring anyone else."

"What?"

"It's true Syo-chan. I don't see anyone." The tall one says.

"But..."

"Maybe you should go home and rest." Otoya dug in his pocket. "Here take a taxi back."

"But.."

"Please Syo." They both plead.

"Fine." The shortest takes the money and starts to walk away.

Seeing as he had pointed to me, I follow him. Well until he stops in front of me. Spinning around on his heels he looks me in the face and loudly asks. "Who are you?"

I'm surprised. I know I blink a few times before answering. "Use your cellphone."

"What?"

"You look like a crazy person, just do it."

He snatches his blue phone out of his pocket and puts it up to his ear. "Who are you?"

I smile. It has been so long since I could tell someone my name. Since I could talk to someone. "I am Aine."

"I've seen you before." He says turning back around heading to the exit. "You asked Ai where Reiji was the other day."

I gasp. "So you did see me!"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because I'm a ghost."

He stopped walking again. His face started to pale and his lips were trembling as he asked. "What?"

I smile even wider as I push off the ground to float in front of him. "I'm a ghost."

"So you died?"

"No I'm alive."

"Then..."

"What?"

"That's not being a ghost." He says almost to quietly.

"What do you call it?"

"Umm." He took his phone from his ear. After a few minutes of typing, he places it back and says. "OOBE"

"Oh~." I say with excitement. "What's that?"

He looks at me with those blue eyes and gives a small sigh.

Is it okay? I'm so confused. I know what I am isn't a ghost. I know that if I go back to my body I'll lose all these memories of us that I have created. I'll probably forget that no longer love you. So is that okay? I mean, I do still love you, and it will be hard again. But the other week when Syo and I came home early from shopping to see you two together... I know that you're over me. Although I do feel bad for Syo, I know he still likes Ai. It's funny how much I want to be my brother right now. I'm so angry. I feel like every moment around you is like an agonizing arrow piercing through my heart. Now I see, our end was bitter before it began. You always told me every end opens a new beginning. Is it okay to leave you to find mine? Because I finally found someone who makes me feel alive again. But I'm scared. I need you! What if I wake up and don't remember him. I mean, there is that small chance that I won't. What happens when I wake up from my astral projection? Will I remember, will I not? I'm afraid, but I'm glad. I finally found someone who I can talk to. I don't need to pretend like you are listening anymore. I have someone who is.

"Syo-chan." I call out as I float over to him.

Today he is wearing jut a plain white shirt and jeans, so not his style. He sits on the bench in the small garden in back. He looks at with with lack luster eyes. "Good morning Aine-san."

"Are you doing anything fun today? Can I watch?"

"No." He says. "I'm not feeling to well."

"Ah! You need to go back to your room then. No one would think to look for you here. Of you get sick there's nothing I can do!" I speak urgently knowing full well that he has a bad condition. I don't remember what it was at the moment, but I don't want him to be alone.

"No, it's nothing that bad, I'm just tired." He leans his head back letting the light hit his face.

"I'd rather you didn't." I say only to find he's already asleep. "Syo."

I bite my lip and pace a bit. I don't want to leave him and even if I did what good would it do? We've already tested, and he's the only one who can see me. After finally deciding that it's too scary, I go off to find someone.

The first person I find is Reiji. He's looking down at his phone with a frown. He's stopped in the middle of the hallway just reading his phone over and over again.

"Reiji! Come get Syo-chan! Please, whatever's on your phone can wait!"

"No." He replies in a small voice. He pushes a few numbers and lifts his phone to his ear. "Ai have you heard?"

I can't hear what my brother says but I know it's his voice. I watch as Reiji's eyebrows furrow.

"He'll die! We have to do something."

"Reiji." I put my hand over my heart. "Please s-o." I stop and try again. "R-ji.. i-.. -ouble-..."

I feel a tight pull. No, no. Out of all the times that I wanted to go back why now?

My name is Aine Kisaragi. I was told that I was in a coma for two years, a week ago, when I woke up in a white room. Since them I have learned many things. The morning I woke up, my uncle who kept me on my life support had passed away in his sleep. My brother had become an idol along with my best friend. It feels as though all the feelings I once held of my best friend have disappeared. In turn all his feelings for me, I can now see are aimed at my brother. And most importantly, I feel as if I have forgotten something. Something life-changingly important. I've tried many times to recall what it is. I've used a variety of suggested ways to remember things. But it eludes me every time. But whenever I try to think about it, my chest hurts. I feel as though if I were to remember it may become worse. This agony that I'm feeling, what is the cause? Why do I feel this way?

My best friend once told me that every beginning has an end. In order to have a new beginning the other has to end. But if this is my new start, what did I have to leave behind? Why am I so bitter? Did I leave something important? Did something bad happen because of me?

Ai taps on my partially opened door.

"Come in." I say.

"Brother." He says void of all emotions.

"Yes?"

He looks behind him and nods. "This is Syo Kurusu."

In walks a short blonde with brilliant blue eyes. He seems so familiar but also not. "Hello Syo-chan."

He opens his moth to speak but closes it after looking at my cyn blue eyes.

"Nii-san." Ai says. "I don't know how.. but..."

He looks down at the blonde waiting for a nodd.

"What?" I ask.

"You saved his life."

"Thank you Aine-san." He says before turning on his heels and leaving.

I give a small smile. That bitterness, that agony, somehow feels like it vanished with jut the sight of him. All that self-hatred for forgetting whatever it was... is finally gone.

Sooo this was different. I can tell you, anyone who has read one of my stories before, I am not good at first person POV. This is also a super long one shot for me and a very strange pairing. But I hope at least some like it.

OOBE (OBE)- an out of body experience.

I do have to give credit to the anime I was watching while writing this. Dusk maiden of amnesia or Tasogare Otome x Amnesia really helped me with the feeling invisible aspects.

Disclaimer- I don't own it.