"No," said Ron seriously, "I mean we should tell them to get out. We don't want anymore Dobbies, do we? We can't order them to die for us –"
There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth.
...and quite suddenly, she let out a gasp of pain. Harry raised his eyebrows, wondered how such a smart witch could have been so stupid as Ron looked down in horror at that the basilisk fangs he was holding. At the fangs that Hermione knew he had been holding, and yet she had somehow impaled herself on them all the same.
"Oh.." she muttered, blinking as she fell. "I don't suppose you've got a phoenix hanging around do you, Harry?" Ron asked, unsure on what to do. He looked to Harry like a man who was unsure whether to laugh or cry as he dropped to his knees to cradle the dying witch.
"Shush now" Ron was saying, over and over, as he stroked her face with his large hands. Harry was sure that he saw Ron poke her in the eye once or twice but decided not to point it out as he heard a noise behind him.
"That's my wand you've got Pott….what happened here?" Draco Malfoy asked, looking over the scene. Beside him, Crabbe and Goyle looked as confused as ever.
"Hermione stabbed herself" Harry replied simply.
"Granger stabbed herself?"
"She tried to kiss Ron and she stabbed herself"
Malfoy seemed to understand. "Can't say I blame her. I think I'd stab myself too if I thought about kissing Weasley".
Suddenly Harry's barrier seemed to break, and he roared with laughter at it all. Perhaps he was going insane? He was certainly due a breakdown. Nearby he could hear the three Slytherin's laugh nervously as Ron fumed.
"Stop laughing! The love of my life is dead!"
"Then you shouldn't stabbed her!" Malfoy told him, and even Ron couldn't deny that as Harry laughed louder. "He's got a point Ron"
"Can we just go and kill Voldemort now, please?" Ron shouted, his ears bright red. Harry managed to control himself at the name, nodding. After all, they still had a job to do.
"Speakin' of the Dark Lord. We've come to kill you Potter!" Crabbe spoke up suddenly, as if remembering something for the first time in his life. Draco seemed to try and say something between his laughter.
"No - wait, Crabbe. Wait -" but Crabbe was not waiting as he drew his wand before either Harry or Ron could react and shouted "Fiendfyre!". Unfortunately, but true to form, Crabbe was an idiot to the last and had been holding his wand the wrong way. His robes caught fire as he was engulfed in flames.
"Will everyone stop killing themselves!" Harry complained. "What is happening tonight? Is it accidently kill yourself day?"
"Never know, mate" Ron replied. "You might get lucky. Voldemort might off himself too"
"I highly doubt that Weasley" Malfoy said dryly.
"Shut up, Malfoy you little -" Ron cut himself off, and instead make a rude gesture with his finger. For a moment the four stood looking at each other awkwardly, the bodies of Hermione and Crabbe between them.
"So?" Goyle asked slowly "Do we duel?"
"Not really in the mood now" Ron conceded and Draco seemed to agree. Harry glanced at his friend, who was looking understandably upset.
"Don't worry, Ron. You could always get back together with Lavender. I'm sure she'll survive the night".