Howdy, y'all!
Welcome to my first Star Trek fic! This has got romance, action, adventure, hurt/comfort, everything in the universe!
I beseech thee to boldly go ahead and read!
"Steady as she goes, Mr Sulu." James Tiberius Kirk said, settling back in the chair with smug grin on his face. It was good to be Captain.
"Yes, sir." Sulu said, easing the Starship Enterprise into Warp 6.
"Anything to report, Mr Spock?" Jim peered over the back of the chair at his first officer, getting a secret thrill from checking him out as he bent over his equipment.
"Negative, sir. There is very little in this sector."
"Good. With no interruptions, we should get to Reigel 4 in plenty of time."
"Continuing our present rate of travel, I predict it will take around 52 Earth hours." Spock confirmed, unaware that the Captain was feeling much too pleased with himself to care about statistics; three weeks of undisrupted travel would do that to any commanding officer.
There was a squeak as the elevator doors opened. An ensign scuttled onto the bridge, clutching a tablet.
"A-Captain? I need you to sign this." The ensign said shyly.
"Of course, ensign. I-" Jim looked up at the ensign and paused, "I'm sorry, I don't think I recognise you. Are you new?"
"A-yes. I have been aboard for around two weeks." The ensign said, passing over the tablet with a smile. Jim signed the document (something about new karts for the colonists on Altair 2) and handed it back. The ensign was a young man, probably in his twenties, and he was looking at Jim with something decidedly stronger than professional respect.
"Thank you." Jim smiled warmly at the new ensign, taking a moment to appreciate how well-built, if petite in stature, he was. He looked more suited to professional wrestling than navigation.
Jim held the ensign's gaze until there was an abrupt cough from Spock. "Captain. Pay attention."
Jim blinked, as if a fog was lifting. "Ah...the mission. Yes. Of course. Thank you, Mr. Spock."
"You are welcome." Spock said curtly, glaring as the new ensign trundled out of the room.
"Who was that?" Jim asked dreamily, staring into the distant stars with a look of rapture in his eyes.
"I have heard the other ensigns refer to him as 'Rio', captain." Spock said, rather coldly. "Now, are you ready to get back to work?"
"Sure am!" Kirk bellowed. "I'm going to use my authority as Captain to make a few changes around here!"
Sulu looked around, "Changes, Captain?"
"Yes. I think it's time we had some new blood on the bridge. Mr Chekov, put on a red shirt. You're working in engineering from now on."
Chekov, unsure why his job was in jeopardy, whirled around. "Keptin? Is this a joke?"
Jim shook his head. "No joke, Ensign, I'm afraid. We need to shake things up around here. Lieutenant Uhura, contact logistics. I want you to summon Ensign Rio to the bridge immediately. He is to be the new navigator."
Uhura was shocked. "But sir, Chekov is the only qualified navigator on the ship. We cannot bring an inexperienced ensign from logistics up to the bridge, the responsibility is too great."
"I think Rio will be up to the job." Said Jim, smiling privately to himself. "That's an order, Lieutenant. Summon him up. Chekov, vacate your post."
"Yiss, Sir." Whispered Chekov, his eyes filling with tears. He walked sadly out of the bridge, taking off his golden shirt as he did so, and trying with all his might not to cry in front of his superiors.
A few minutes later, Rio burst onto the bridge, tugging a lurid yellow shirt over his ripped torso.
"A-Captain! Thank you for the promotion!" he said gratefully, beaming widely. Jim blushed and waved his hand.
"It's no trouble at all, Ensign. I believe you will fit right in." Jim chuckled, enthused by the ensigns youthful charm.
As soon as the ensign was sitting at his new post, trying to work out how to use the console, Mr Spock called Jim over.
"Captain, I believe you have made a serious error in your evaluation of Ensign Rio's talents." He said.
"No, I don't think so. Everyone deserves a chance, don't you think?" Jim glanced over at the new ensign with a smile.
"Not everyone, Captain. This ensign is clearly not qualified enough for this position." Spock said sternly. Jim sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Oh, Spock. You don't understand. Just because someone isn't as clever as you, doesn't mean they are incapable!" Jim said, patting his first officer on the arm.
"An obvious statement, Captain. I can see that I will not be able to change your m-" Mr Spock was cut off by the Starship suddenly lurching forwards at Warp 8!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ensign Rio, grappling at the controls with the finesse of a drunken antelope.
"Ensign! What are you doing!?" Spock roared, leaping forwards to steady the ship. Slowly, it returned to normal speed. The crew returned to their seats, shaken by their ordeal.
"Rio! Are you hurt?" Jim asked anxiously, rushing over to where the new ensign lay in a heap on the ground. The ensign struggled to his feet, brushing down his uniform and readjusting his yellow hat.
"I am a-fine, a-Jim." The ensign gasped in his rich, rustic, slightly rasping European accent.
"It is impolite to refer to the captain by his first name whilst on duty, ensign." Spock muttered. Neither Jim nor the ensign took any notice; Jim was too busy helping Rio up.
"Take it easy with the controls, eh?" smiled Jim, patting Rio on the back. "Don't worry, you're doing great."
There was a choking noise from Sulu, who was rubbing a black eye he had just acquired from hitting his head against the controls when the ship launched forward. "Doing great?! He has no idea what he's doing! We never had this problem with Chekov!"
Jim, who had returned to the chair, glared at him. "Mr Sulu, do you want to take a trip down to engineering too? Because I don't think Scotty will be as tolerant of your rudeness as I am."
"No, sir. Sorry sir." Sulu chuntered, looking down at his feet.
"Very good. Continue course to Reigel 4."
"A very a-good decision, Jim." Rio smirked, earning a furious glare from Spock.
"You see? You lot could learn a lot from this fine young man." Jim grinned, looking around at his crew. "But of course, you're all a bit distracted by my good looks." He laughed uproariously at his own irrelevant joke.
"AHAHAHAHA!" Screamed Ensign Rio, rocking back and forth in his chair while the rest of crew sat in stony silence. "A-good one, a-captain!"
He cleared his throat and self-consciously twisted his charismatic moustache. "A-true, too. I am a-most...distracted..."
Jim paused, unsure what to say. Then he winked at the eager ensign, leaning back in his chair. "Well, you aren't so bad yourself!"
Rio blushed, gazing at the captain from beneath his heavy brows. "Aha a-thank you, sir."
"Excuse me, Captain. I believe this is neither the time nor the place for such a conversation." Spock said, furious beneath his facade of serenity. Jim straightened up, embarrassed at his lapse of duty,
"Sorry, you're quite right, Mr Spock. Back to work, everyone!"
And the bridge fell silent at last, apart from the furious pounding of Jim Kirk's heart.
That night, as the Enterprise flew through a glowing nebula on the edge of the Reigel system, a rendezvous was taking place. Jim walked up onto the brig, awkwardly adjusting his collar. He was wearing his favourite shirt and a type of aftershave called 'Bullet Bill.' He stood, gazing out of the window, waiting for his date to arrive.
Then, in a cloud of cologne, Ensign Rio emerged from a passageway. Jim gasped – Rio looked so beautiful. His yellow shirt perfectly accentuated his strong arms, his purple, tight dungarees clashing stylishly with his smooth white gloves. His moustache had been gelled into a jazzy shape, and the W on his hat was thrown into sharp relief by the light of the stars.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Jim gaped, reaching down to take Rio's hand. Rio stood on tiptoes to wrap his arm around Jim's waist, grinning.
"A-no. You caught me when I a-fell." He leered smoothly, gyrating his hips like a princess in peril.
Jim blushed. "Yoshi – I mean, gosh. You know, when I'm with you, I feel like I'm tripping on mushrooms."
"Aha! Well, A-Jim..." here, Rio lowered his voice to a sultry whisper, "You can go digging in my gold-mine any time. And you don't need no mega-a-mushroom to make it a-worth my while!"
Jim giggled nervously, feeling his trousers tighten around his cod-piece. "Heh, well. Ensign, don't get me wrong. I would love to come round and..um... check out your plumbing...but I don't know how Mr Spock would react to that."
Rio scoffed, waving his gloved hand dismissively. "Ah! That a-crazy Vulcan! He remind me of a-me brother! Skinny, a-pointy ears, always a-gettin' between me and the ladies! "
Jim chortled. "Your brother sounds like a real star!"
Rio patted Jim on the knee, straining his arm to reach. "You're a-sex bob-omb, alright!"
"I'm more than that, Ensign. You see, this is my kingdom, and it'll take more than a few jealous red shells –sorry, red shirts - to stop our love!"
Rio sighed wistfully. "Oh, Jim. I think we're invincible."
Jim leaned down and planted a kiss on the lips of the young ensign, clutching his small, round body in his arms.
"You've got my chomp in chains!" Rio gasped as he came away for air. The lovely couple sat down together and watched the rainbow roads of the nebula twist and turn in the galaxy yonder.
"A-space is a-beautiful." Rasped Ensign Rio, clutching Jim's hand.
"I just have one more question box." Jim said, turning to face Rio with a burning curiosity.
"If your name is Rio, why do you have a W on your hat?"
Rio broke out into a feisty grin. "Rio is a-just a nick a-name."
"Oh?" Jim said in surprise. "And what is your real name?"
The ensign stood up to his full height of 2 feet 1. "A-WARIO!" he roared, and leapt up into the air.
As Jim watched in horror, a green pipe appeared in the floor and engulfed the ensign, leaving him alone on the brig.
"Goodbye, Wario." Jim whispered, falling to the ground in tears.
Hands up, who saw that coming?
No one!
Live Long and Prosper!
Love, Septimus xxx