The Best Kurtty Ever!
As I have stated many times before, I love Kurtty. However, I couldn't help but poke fun at it in this particular fic… After all, if you something, you aren't afraid to laugh at the absurd parts sometimes.
If you recognize any exaggerated cliché from your own stories thrown into this acid-trip, please do not be offended. I am not trying to purposely put down anyone here.
I do not own anything except this failed attempted at humor.
WARNING: CONTAINS HEAVY USAGE OF SARCASM, LANGUAGE, REFERENCES TO INTERNET LULZ, CRUDE HUMOUR, AND HORRIBLE CLICHES MAGNIFIED TO LARGE PROPORTIONS.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesn't get your humour like I do
I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me
Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me
Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me
"OMG, Rogue," Kitty sighed, "through the magical powers of songs in Fanfiction, I think I like, love Kurt!11!1!" The two girls were conveniently both in the room they shared as the radio finished blaring out Taylor Swift from the country station- even though she has nothing to do with country these days.
"Like Ah give a shit," Rogue muttered, reading one of her depressing Goffik novels that had to do with vampires, being surprisingly in character.
Kitty blinked. "But Roooogue," she whined, "because this is a Kurtty, you're suppose to be Out of Character by being all mushy and sisterly to me!"
Rogue immediately brightened up, having being reminded that this is a Kurtty, and liek, THE BEST KURTTY EVER. "Okay!" she beamed goffikly (anyone who recognizes this as a My Immortal reference gets an extra cookie). "But what about mah own background romance that will only be mentioned for three whole paragraphs with a super hot swamprat, bff forever?"
Kitty giggled and petted Rogue's gloved hand in a very loving way. "Silly Rogue! Kurtty writers do not have the mentality to comprehend CANON FOR NEARLY A DECADE! They pair you up with Evan even though you two have no chemistry whatsoever." Rogue's face fell slightly, but she soon forgot the sexy Cajun due to the laws of fanfiction. The two began jabbering on about clothes, make-up, and celebrities like stereotypical teenagers when Kitty finally remembered her dilemma.
"Omg, so leik, Rogue, what should I do?" she wailed, tears streaming out of her eyes suddenly. "I like Kurt, but I don't know if he likes me! He's my best friend!"
Rogue gasped. "But Kitty, even though I hate romance I know you two are made for each other!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" Rogue pointed at the summary, which appeared suddenly above their heads. "'so leik kitty finds herself sudenley in luv wit har bff now that he has broken up wt Amanda!1!111!eleven! But doas h3 luv h3r bak?11! LOL WUT WILL LANCE DO?11!111! I LUV KURTTY NO FLAM3Z OR ELSE ILL SEND WOLVERINE AFTER U LOL'." Rogue smiled in a very superior manner, as if this explained everything. Including the floating summary. Kitty beamed.
"Oh, Rogue, thank you so much for acting like a plot device and helping to find my true feelings for Kurt!" she squealed, and skipped out of the room to confess to Kurt her undying love.
Meanwhile…. In a land far, far away…. Next door was Kurt. He was acting emo in his Emo Corner, looking very depressed that Amanda had dumped him. Because Kurtty!Kurt would NEVER dump Amanda; he's too perfect! Just as he was complementing whether he should go buy a razor or not and sing to Evanescence, Kitty hopped into the room.
"Hey," she said shyly, her heart thumping and her stomach doing back-flips as she started to obsessive over his liquid golden eyes that were the color of the brightest rays of the sun in a beautiful afternoon in a very Twilight-esque manner.
"Hi," Kurt smiled at Kitty. Despite of dating Amanda the Girl with only Five Minutes of Screentime, he was totally still in love with Kitty. Duh. Here, the POV switched and Kurt was FEELING THE SAME EXCAT SENSATIONS. Except he started describing her wide blue eyes, which were the same exact shade of the sky on a warm summer day, not a single cloud in sight as the—you get the idea.
"So…um… IloveyouKurt," Kitty finally said after going into detail how the light captured the sheen on his fur for a full ten minutes in her head.
"Oh…." Kurt paused too long, and Kitty was about to burst into tears. "I love you too, Kitty! But alas, I am a demon!" He finally said dramatically, eyes bulging (which then made Kitty go off on tangents about his wonderful pupils again).
Kitty groaned. "Can we just cut the crap and make-out now?"
Kurt thought for a while. "But don't you want to spend endless chapters as we both cry in my room over my angsty, horror-filled past, thus making us fall more desperately in love over this overused plot-device?"
"No, not really."
"I was thinking the same thing. Let's make-out."
It took a chapter to fully describe the EPICNESS of the Kurtty kiss (it was so EPIC that only the word EPIC could paint the image) because the author kept on switching back and forth on the POV. It sort of went like this:
Kitty's POV
His lips were on mine as I touched his hair. He was so hot.
Kurt's POV
Her lips were on mine as I touched her waist. She was so hot.
Kitty's POV
I couldn't believe it that my fuzzy elf was in my arms.
Kurt's POV
I couldn't believe it that my beautiful Katze was in my arms.
…And so on. Twelve year olds should be banned from writing out their sexual fantasies.
After a million years, they finally stopped exchanging saliva… in an EPIC way. (Deadpool soon popped in and killed the word…epically.) "Oh, Kurt," Kitty breathed/murmured/sighed/whispered in a Belly Duck-way after the kiss.
"Kitty," Kurt breathed/murmured/sighed/whispered as he gazed into her eyes, which looked like twin pools of crystal-clear-wait, we already did that. Then the promptly began exchanging information about each other in a teenage-romance-novel way such as embarrassing confessions, declaring their love for each other multiple times, souls, Kanye West, rainbows, the Danger Room, Apocalypse (which I always type wrong, so let's call him Appie now!), hearts, passion, feelings, ardor, and the probability of a banana falling in love with a shoe** all while making out at the same time.
It was perfect. Especially the Kanye West jokes.
After a long hour of mushy love, Kitty unwillingly went back to her own room-we have to keep this rated T for the little kids, hun. She threw herself unto her pink bed, smiling happily as she fell into a blissful sleep, dreaming about Kurt's perfectly arched eyebrows…
"Wake up, Pretty Kitty," a harsh voice said.
She woke up. Blanc then earned a Nobel Peace Prize for contributing such an elegant phrase into the English language. The first thing she noticed was that she was tied up to a pole. The second was that a very familiar ex-boyfriend was leering at her.
It…
Was…
Lance! What a surprise!
"Lance!" cried Kitty, totally surprised.
"Pretty Kitty," Lance sneered, "Glad to see me?" Kitty tried to wriggle free out of her bonds, but she just couldn't! Of course there was no other way out!
"Please, Lance," she cried, "let me go."
"Not until I rape you," Lance replied, a grin spreading across his face. "BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Why are you doing this to me?" Kitty cried. None of the readers noticed that she 'cried' three times in a row.
Lance tapped his chin, his face losing the evil look for a second. "Well, I think that completely changing my character into an evil rapist out for revenge against his sweet, innocent girlfriend is only a plot device for you and Nightcrawler to have naked fun sex as a comfort after he rescues you like a knight in shining armor."
Kitty nodded slowly. "Oh, well, in that case, proceed."
Lance cleared his throat. "BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" As he advanced, Kitty forgot very conveniently that she couldn't phase and beat the shit out of Lance as she suffered from the DUMBASS IN DISTRESS DISORDER (Those who recognize this as Nostalgia Critic's invention deserve an extra cookie AND a free Kurtty blanket. Although the latter is sort of weird and creepy.).
Suddenly (and not surprisingly) Kurt teleported into the mysterious room and defeated Lance with a huge punch, leaving the rock mutant unconscious on the ground as he gallantly untied the knots and held Kitty close to him, who was sobbing her eyes out.
"How…. How did you know where I was?" Kitty sniffled, clutching him like a lifesaver.
"Not only I can teleport, I also have a magical telekinetic bond with you," Kurt said in his newly deep and husky voice. "It's part of the deal, because all Kurtty writers actually want to be you, so they make me a Gary Stu. Little do they know that they will only get flames for their hidden sexual fantasies."
"Hey, WE'RE the guys with the telekinetic bond!" Scott yelled, appearing randomly into the room with Jean. Jean sighed and began dragged him away. Guess who wears the pants in the relationship?
"Come on, Scott… this is a Kurtty fic."
"Oh yeah…" So Jott walked out of the room, never to be seen again… until Emma and her underwear come into the picture.
"Oh, Kurt," Kitty breathed, her hiccups subsiding. "Let's make out now."
Kurt nodded as he began sucking on her face in a way that was ep- interesting. (What Deadpool kills stays dead.)
The story ends with an author note that was longer than the story itself, promising a another fic involving Amanda the Ultimate Bitch hounding down our OTP and bitch-slapping Kitty, then getting bitch-slapped by Kurt, Kurt being kidnapped by evil Germans, Kitty becoming pregnant, another rape attempt, Kurt and Kitty getting married after the pregnancy (oh, how scandalous!), Chris Brown joining the X-Men and beating his girlfriend Rihanna, and so on. Kitty eventually lost her valley-girl accent.
Oh, also Amanda became a tramp, and Lance died under a rock with only Pietro to comfort him as his fuck-buddy. The other characters were never mentioned again.
But nobody cared. They just wanted to read the Kurtty smut.
Love it, hate it? Just review this piece of shit... or don't.
**Shoemeo and Banaliet ftw! Long story…
Note: Nightcrawler's Shadow songfic is fantastic; I've only chosen this song because…well in EVERY fandom there's at least one songfic with You Belong with Me *eyeroll*.