Hi, it's Alec speaking. So I am sitting comfortably on the pastel couch with the Chairman on my lap shedding white fur all over my dark sweater. I continue stroking the cat that so much resembles his owner. I gaze around the room and remember all that has happened within these walls. I smile at some memories and grimace at others. The Chairman starts purring loudly and he looks up at me with somehow knowing eyes as I take another sip of my perfect coffee. This all may sound perfect with Jace happy with Clary, Magnus and I together, and everyone is happy, right? Except in this version, Magnus Bane is in love with Jace.
I chew on my lip as I hear the door open and close. I continue staring into space until I feel arms around my shoulders. I turn my head up to look at him and his beautiful cat eyes stare back. "How was your day?" He asks without conviction. This is how it has been for a couple weeks now. We pretend that everything is the same as it was before. We pretend. It's like a game. Except I still love him. Breaking me out of my reverie, he adds, "Alec?" He rarely calls me by that. He has always used my full name, unless I tell him not to.
I look up at his defined cheekbones and his dark toned skin. I can't help but want to reach out and touch him, to kiss him, just to be close to him. I fake a smile as he stares down at me. "It was fine," I reply with just as much precision as he does. After a moment of silence, I ask, "What about yours?"
He looks me up and down, but not with the same gaze that he used in the past. Not the loving, caring, sometimes predatory, look that he used. Now it has turned into a bored, slightly hurt look. Maybe he is disappointed. Maybe I am too boring for him, maybe I am too clingy, maybe I get too jealous. Maybe he was disappointed that he couldn't fix me, or maybe he is upset with himself because he thought this would last. This. This four letter word is all that is left of us. This and the pair of us acting, playing house, pretending to still be the way we were. The way I want us to be. The way I want to remember us.
He lowers his gaze and replies, "Same as usual." I don't want to sound cliché, but maybe I am. My heart doesn't feel broken. It feels as though someone cut it up, sewed it back together, and tore it apart again. I realize I haven't said anything for a while, and I realize I haven't taken a proper breath for a that long either.
I take in a shaky breath and reply, "Well, I am going to get something to eat." I look at him harder, more desperate than ever, with the last of the hope left in my body. I take a risk in asking, "Do you want to come with?"
He looks down and his hands clench as he replies, "I was actually going to take a shower. You go without me." He smiles his ever magnificent smile, except now it has turned dark. His lips have a sad twinge to them as he starts walking to the stairs. I look down at the Chairman and I slowly take him off my lap as I get up and walk to the door. I slam the door behind me as I walk down the stairs of the apartment. I push open the final door and walk outside to see it is pouring. I don't care. I look around as I walk. I watch the beautiful storm swirling around me: the beautiful lightning, the following cracks of thunder, the singing wind. It is all so perfect. I am in love with this storm and I walk slowly, so I can be a part of it while it lasts. I keep walking and suddenly I realize that I am not on my normal route to Taki's. I am walking nowhere I have been before. Suddenly, I realize I am completely and utterly lost. The best part is: I don't care.
I continue walking and feeling the beauty of the storm on my coat, but I decide I want to be closer to the storm and the rain, so I find my way up to a beautiful hill, where I have a perfect view of the storm. I hear a voice in my head, telling me to snap out of it, but I ignore it. It sounds like Magnus. After standing on the hill for a while, I start walking again. I walk on the street, finding a bench, and sitting on it. I hear the voice again, this time, louder. I close my eyes and breathe in heavily. I feel a sudden warmth surround my arm and I open my eyes.
There is a dark, perfectly manicured, soft hand on my arm. I don't have to look up to know who it is, so I don't. "Alec," he says carefully, "you are soaked." I continue to ignore the voice in my head. The one that still cares about me. The one that I make up in my head to hear what I want. "Alec." It says more urgently. "Answer me. Please. Let's go back." I shake my head. The voice in my head cares about me. Magnus doesn't. "We need to talk," he adds as I finally open my eyes, but I shut them as soon as I opened them when I feel the tears trying to invade. I feel him grab my hand and try to pull me up with him, and I know I can't fight anymore. I give up. I give up trying to pretend. I give up constantly attempting to make him love me again. I stand up and follow him as he leads me home.
We don't speak as we make our way home. When we walk into the apartment building, he keeps looking forward, so much the opposite of the first night I came over here. Every other time I have come here, I have been excited, happy, or at least with the knowledge that I was coming home to someone who loved me. Someone who I knew wanted to be with me, to comfort me, to help me in any way possible.
Now, we walk up the stairs as though we are suddenly strangers who have been forced together and don't particularly like one another. I keep my eyes on him, taking in his magnificence, even when he is hurting. That is one thing I have always loved about him and I probably always will. When we come to the door of his apartment, he opens it and waits for me to walk in before following me. I stand there awkwardly and wait. For anything. Just for him to tell me he still loves me, for him to tell me he wants me to stay, for him to tell me I was wrong in thinking otherwise.
Instead, he just stares at me for a moment. The long pause of silence, of us waiting, for whatever it is we are waiting for. I continue staring at the floor as he stares at me. I look up and he says, "Alec, we need to talk." He gives me a serious look and I am sure I see his eyes flicker, something I have noticed him doing in the past, only when the situation is dire. I look at him, really look at him, with a look that tells him to go on. He simply says, "I'm sorry."
I give him a look as if I don't know what he means, "What for?"
He replies with an indignant look, "I think you know what for." I give him another look and he sighs, "We haven't been… the same as before. I have noticed, I know you have noticed. Alec, I just… I don't know what to say." He tries to look at me and I meet him in a gaze. Though, this gaze is mixed between my love for him, and his oppressiveness. This gaze is of no hope. This is the gaze of someone giving up.
My chest constricts and I can't breathe. My body feels cold and feel goosebumps forming all over my body. I glance at the ground, then look straight at him. I manage to choke out, "Just say it."
He looks at me with sorrow and clenches his teeth for a moment. "I just don't feel the same about us anymore."
I look at the ground and snarl back, "Just say it. Say you don't love me. Tell me you love him instead." Then, my heart contricts even tighter and I blink back the tears trying to invade my face. I feel him walking closer to me and I take a step back quicker than ever. "Say it!" I yell. I start making ungodly noises and trying to breathe, but failing. Then, I realize I am sobbing.
Magnus POV:
Shit. He is sobbing. I feel like the lowest lifeform to ever live. He has only cried in front of me once. That was when Max died. And it wasn't like this. Nowhere as intense and heartbreaking as this. But I have to do this. I have to say it, otherwise we will just go on pretending. We will not be happy as we were and we will hate ourselves for it. I want to walk over to him, to comfort him, to tell him it will be okay. I say, "Alexande-"
"Don't. Don't tell me it will be okay. Don't say it, if you know it's not true," he said with such a calm, low voice that my heart was shattered. "And don't call me that."
I stare at him. He is a mess and I am the cause. I take a moment and say, "I am so sorry. You want me to say it?" I take a second to watch his reaction, "You are right. I do love him. But I love you, too. Just not the same way." I can't believe I am saying this. Why am I saying these things? Why can't we just go back to the way things were before?
He looks at me with distraught eyes and breathes, "How? How can you say you love me, and do this?"
I stare for a moment and reply, "Because I do love you. It's just not the same."
He gives me a look asking what the hell is that supposed to mean, but he just looks at the door and starts walking toward it. I catch him before he bolts, "Don't." I say, but he pulls his arm out of my grasp.
The look he gives me is of desperation and his pleading blue eyes stare at me. "Don't. Touch. Me." And he is gone.
Alec's POV:
I throw myself down the stairs and run out of the building, look back long enough to make sure Magnus isn't following me, and I starting walking. I try to process what has happened, but it doesn't seem to make any kind of sense to me. It doesn't sink in that I just lost the love of my life to my brother. I constantly have to remind myself to breathe as I see that I am on autopilot and it brought me to the place I know. The place I always go when things happen. The place I went after Max. This has always been the second place I go to. First place would be Magnus, but not anymore.
I walk over to the beautiful, gargantuan tree that stands in the middle of the grass. I put my hand to it and feel the bark. It is still wet from the storm. I remember the storm, though it seems like a millions years have passed since then. I start climbing the tree branches and I concentrate on getting to the top. When I arrive at my destination, I feel free because I am on the top of the tree and no one can touch me. I spend most of the night there, then I realize that the sun has long passed gone down and it is cold and dark. I stare as I try to think. I can't. I feel as if my mind is blank.
I start my way down, branch by branch, and I start to slip, but I catch myself. I end up getting a little cut up, but I don't have my steele, so I don't bother. I start walking back to the apartment and I trip a couple of times on the way. I look at the apartment once I get there and I walk up the stairs, dreading what is to happen. I open the door into the flat and I see no one immediately.
I hear an all-too-familiar voice, "Alec?" I turn to look at him, and he stares into my boring eyes with his cat ones.
I open my eyes and close them. I don't want to run away again. I can't look that weak. We need to just get this over with. "Yeah?"
He runs over to me, puts his arm around me, and kisses me. For a moment, I forget everything that has happened. I forget that he no longer loves me. I forget that I am supposed to be leaving soon, and never coming back. I lean into the kiss and I feel the warmth and comfort I have been searching for. I feel his arms around me tighten and I put my arms around him tighter. We continue kissing for about five minutes with a comforting feeling. Then, he backs away and looks down for a moment. "Magnus?" I ask as he looks back up.
He seems to really look at me and he exclaims, "Alexander! What the hell did you do to yourself?" He comes back to me and starts thumbing my skin and the bloody scratches on it. He looks at me, and when I don't answer, he just says, "Oh, Alexander." Then, he starts moving his fingers on my skin again, but this time I feel his magic radiating through my whole body. When I look back at my skin, it is healed. Like it never happened.
Then, I remember everything that has happened. I back away from him and ask, "Magnus? What are you doing?"
He backs away a step and gives me a sorrowful look. "I am sorry, Alec… I shouldn't- I was just worried."
I look at the floor for what seems like the millionth time today and nod my head, as if I understand completely. I feel the weight on my chest again as I stand there. He continues to look at me, "Alec, I don't know what to do now. I will be honest."
I look at him, but only for a second, and I feel my heart convulsing again. I shake my head as I look at the ground. "And you- you think I do?" I asked desperately.
He takes a step closer, but not so we are touching again. "Alex- I-" he starts, but it seems I am not the only one lost for words.
I shake my head back and forth and try not to break down again. I look him straight in the eye and reply, "I think I should leave."
He jerks his head up at me, as if he is surprised, but he isn't. He knew exactly what I would say. He knew exactly what would happen. "Is that what you want?"
He went too far with that, so I defensively growl back, "No. That is not what I want! How can you look at me and ask that? Of course that is not what I want!" I clench my fists and tell myself to breathe.
He looks back at me and replies, "I know. I am so stupid. I am so sorry, Alec." He stands there, looking like he might speak again, but remaining quiet.
I look at the ground, then back at him. "So," I breathe, "I will." And I walk over to the bedroom, grab my Steele, my Witchlight, my copy of the Codex, and I walk to the door. He follows me and when I get to the door, he comes closer to me and hugs me tightly. I choke back the sobs that are raging in my chest. I sigh into his neck and puts my arms around him. Then, I say, "I'll be back tomorrow for the rest." I back up and walk through the open door.
Magnus' POV:
He's gone. The one I said I would never leave. The one I said was the only one for me. What a piece of shit I am. I recover enough from the shock to sit down on the couch with the Chairman. I stroke his soft fur and I try to sleep, but I can't calm my brain down enough. I close my eyes for a while and try to breathe. Eventually, I fall asleep thinking about a pair of piercing blue eyes.
Alec's POV:
I am lying in my bed thinking about those cat eyes that have always meant the most to me. When I first walked into the Institute, Isabelle bombarded me with questions, but then she realized it was no use and it was too soon for those questions. She smiled at me, hugged me, and sent me to bed. So here I am. In my room, on my bed.
I feel for my phone as I hear a knock on the door. I have only been in here for an hour, I lay there, as if asleep. The knocking turns into loud banging until the voice on the other side of the door says, "Alec. Either open the door, or I will open it."
I sigh and I trudge over to the door and slide it open. It is Jace. First when I look at him, he is my brother. Then, he is the monster that stole Magnus from me. No, I tell myself, Magnus is in love with him, Jace loves Clary. Right? I walk back over and sit on my bed with my shoulders slumped. He shuts the door and sits next to me. "What the hell is wrong with you? Isabelle is worried sick that you are going to up and disappear or something and we have no idea what the hell is going on with you. What is wrong?" He asked.
I keep my eyes on the floor as I shake my head. "I can't," I reply as my voice shakes.
He asks, "Can't what? Tell your brother, your best friend, your parabatai about why you look like you are going to go on a rampage? Or have you already done that part? You look like shit, Alec, so please, tell me what is wrong, so I can help."
I snap, "You can't help."
He looks at me with hurt, "Why not? I always help you. Why not now?"
I can't. I try to breathe, but I just yell, "Because you can't! Because it's you, it's not me! It has always been you! It will always be you! You are the perfect, gorgeous, amazing one, I am just-" I cut off, trying to breathe, but my head collapses into my hands as I break. I can't take this. "Please. Just- Just get out," I mutter into my hands.
I hear, "Ale-"
"Get out!" I yell louder as I hear him sigh and walk out, slamming the door. Then, I try to calm my breathing, but I lay down on the bed and I hear Jace shouting and Isabelle arguing with him.
"What the hell, Jace? I told you to leave him alone!"
"He needs to talk to someone, Izzy. Normally, he comes to me with these things! I don't understand why this is any different."
"Jace, I have a feeling this is completely different."
"But he said is was me, it is always me. What does he mean?"
"How the hell do I know, Jace? Look, I am sorry. I just got worked up. He worries me sometimes. And I haven't seen him like this since…" Then, it is quiet. I close my eyes and everything is black as I fall into a wonderful sleep.